Do I break up with her because she can't have kids?

[555]

I've been dating my GF for just about 3 years now and I don't know if I want to be with her. She's perfect. She's an amazing GF, I couldn't ask for better. She really is the best GF I've had. BUT she can't have kids. I knew this before we started dating, or shortly after, and was fine with it. I was fine with it for the first 2 years of the relationship, couldn't care less. It was the one thing I was sure I'd never leave her over, and I told her that often. But about a year ago it started to change. She got pregnant and (like we knew we would) we lost the baby. After that I found myself wanting to have kids, even though I didn't care before. That desire got stronger and stronger and now I really want to have kids. But if I'm with her I will never have kids.

 

To clear it up, biological kids are not an option because of health issues with her. She will NOT use a surrogate and does not want to adopt. So lets pretend those aren't even options. Basically, no kids, no exceptions.

 

But I love her. Before we dated and for the whole relationship it's something that she has been worried about a lot. I had to promise her a lot that I'd never leave her because of that and I'd be completely happy without kids. But now that's a lie. She is completely in love with me and expects that we're getting engaged right away, I led her on with that because it's what I planned/thought would happen. Last Christmas I said we'd be engaged "this time next year". So that's what she expects, not a break up.

 

I hate it because otherwise she is so perfect. She's beautiful and has an amazing personality and is an amazing GF, we get along perfect. She's the best I've had. So I don't know what to do. Do I try and ignore the desire for kids or break up with her? Telling her will crush her because that's her biggest fear and the one thing I promised her.

[Ninjainpajamas]

How old are you and her?

 

Have you spent any time with children and thought about the changes in your life that would occur and demand realistically?

 

Why do you think you suddenly decided you would like to have children? why you so indifferent then but sure that you want to have them now?

 

How important do you think it is for you to have a child?

[Grumpybutfun]

555:

My wife didn't want kids, but she ,like your gf, told me from the beginning exactly what was going on. I thought long and hard about the prospect of not having kids and what it would mean to me as a man...not being a father, not having a big family, not getting to have little mes in this world, etc. There was just no choice really for me. She is dazzling...funny, sweet, beautiful, nurturing, kind, interesting, wicked smart. I made my choice to go on this adventure with her and it has definitely been worth it to me. 20 years later and I have never regretted our decision not to have children and I have never regretted my decision to choose her rather than a woman who wanted children. This isn't easy, and I remember the soul searching I did to make sure I wasn't just making a lovestruck decision. Whatever decision you make, make sure it is one you can live with for the long haul. Regret can destroy marriages just not as quickly as other things.

Good Luck,

Grumps

[Leigh 87]

I don't want kids.

 

I'd rather stay single due to not finding men who are of my mind set, than to get love, but with a man who needs kids.

 

Most people want kids. You will have no problem finding women who does want kids, and who you're also crazy about.

 

You're prospects are better than mine, insofar as dating and finding love is concerned! Considering it's rare enough as it is to find a person whos crazy about you and who you also feel the same way about. ...

 

Taking kids out of the equation? Put it this way; I am literally resigned to the fact that true, deep love won't happen for me. Since most men in my age bracket wants kids.

 

 

 

You will be okay. It is always a hard few months after a break up... However, you will probably meet another women you're just as into who WILL give you a family.

[555]

I'm 27 and she's 22.

 

She wants kids, but only wants her own kids, from her own body. She just can't have them.

 

There are a lot of kids in my family, and quite a few of my friends have started having kids over the last 3 years. So I've spent a lot of time with them. Before I use to find kids annoying, now when I see them out I find them cute and want that. Like a very strong desire to have that. If I see any kid doing something remotely cute I feel like a little girl with a puppy. My heart just melts and I want it. It's been like that for just over a year. It started after my GF had a miscarriage. We both got excited for it, thinking maybe the pregnancy would hold but it didn't. Mentally I prepared for a kid. I don't think I realized how much I wanted one until I was actually going to have one.

 

I don't know how important it is to me, but the desire/want/need feelings are very strong. I hate the thought of never having kids.

 

If I stay with her how do I stop feeling like this? I've been acting a bit different towards her. I don't spend as much time with her and just seem distant. I don't want to resent her. I also don't want to be unfair to her. Should I tell her how I feel even though it would really hurt her, whether I leaver her or not?

[d0nnivain]

You are both young & people's views on kids may change. If kids are important to you & your life won't be complete without them, you will end up resenting her. I suspect that as her maternal instincts change over time, adoption or surrogacy (assuming you can afford the $100k that costs) may become an option. However, if you will not be able to be happy without kids, you need to leave.

[felicity1]

Do I try and ignore the desire for kids or break up with her? /QUOTE]

 

 

Break up with her. It's obvious you don't really love her as much as you say you do. If you really loved her, then her infertility wouldn't be an issue for you. Don't lead her on anymore.

[Omei]

Shes being closed minded of only ever wanting kids from her own body given her age perhaps she feels she could never love another child unless she bares it? I had my child at 20 im 27 now shes too young i still think im too young. THERE IS SO MUCH TIME for her to mature, grow and her ideals about children having may change.

[Shepp]

Its your call. It wouldn't be wrong of you to walk away if that's the decision you feel you have to make.

 

I know I couldn't do it, don't get me wrong the health thing isn't a problem i'd be happy to adopt. But not getting to be a dad was never an option for me.

But then I've always known I wanted to be a dad, think I announced it to my folks when I was about 8 years old. If it wasn't all that important to you before maybe you can deal with it, or maybe she'll feel differently.

[Grumpybutfun]

555:

Do you have someone close to you like a mentor, friend or spiritual guide that you can speak to about this stuff?

Best,

Grumps

[RedRobin]

I'm sorry your GF won't consider adoption. I had my tubes tied at a young age specifically because I didn't want kids out of my own body. I felt it was irresponsible given overpopulation AND the dire need of children for good homes. I feel the same way about adopting animals. Just too many out there in need to consider bringing more into the world... is my humble opinion.

 

Have you thought about being a foster parent for a little while? Or even having the kids of your relatives come and stay for an extended period?

 

I did that with my niece for years. Was awesome. She'd come to stay for two weeks up to a month in the summer.

[melell]

If you want children, have children.

 

This is something that makes two people incompatible.

 

If it was something insignificant, then it would be different. But it is significant...

[Phantom888]

You two are too young to think about future with kids. Revisit the topic 10 years from now. Things will change and you will have a clearer picture. Dont dump her now because of something that shouldn't even be an issue right now.

[youaremysunshine]

It's likely that her views about what motherhood means like change as she ages. She might reconsider adoption if she meets a person who was adopted. There is SO MUCH more to motherhood than gestating for 9 months... I would even guess that's the easy part.

 

She's really too young to be having kids right now anyway. Maybe in a few years she will come to terms with her loss and her infertility and be ready to consider other options.

[pteromom]

I'm 27 and she's 22.

 

She wants kids, but only wants her own kids, from her own body. She just can't have them.

 

How does she know for sure that she can't have kids? Who told her that? What was she diagnosed with? Do you know how many mom-friends I have that were told they would never have kids?

 

Assuming she really CAN'T have kids (she has no uterus and/or no ovaries), she's 22. And she wants kids. As she gets older and more accepting of her limitations, she just may open up to more options. Fertility medicine will continue to advance. More options will become available. Her mindset will change.

 

Trust me on this. Trust me. When you want something bad enough, you are willing to walk through fire for it. But she's only 22. That fire isn't burning very strongly yet.

 

But she wants kids.

 

And that's enough for me to say you should put kids on the back burner for now and continue the relationship.

[runningfar]

This is coming from someone who can't have kids, and is wanting to adopt, and I still have to say PERFECTLY reasonable. Tough luck. But reasonable.

 

I would be honest with her and see what she says. I would NOT drag it off hoping that she'd change her mind later.

[nomadic_butterfly]

You two are too young to think about future with kids. Revisit the topic 10 years from now. Things will change and you will have a clearer picture. Dont dump her now because of something that shouldn't even be an issue right now.

 

I disagree. He should think about it NOW as they have ALREADY DISCUSSED MARRIAGE. This is a serious relationship. This dilemma is serious enough to cause a divorce. You cannot go into a lifelong commitment, or any romantic commitment for that matter "living on a prayer." Maybe she will change her mind later, maybe she wont. What he knows is how she feels RIGHT NOW and how he feels RIGHT NOW and that's what you have to go by.

 

It would be unfair to marry her out of "obligation" and "hope" that later on she will change her mind when there is a possibility she wont. Think about it on the flip. Imagine you and your significant other whom you have had talks about marriage and future children with suddenly out of nowhere decides they don't want kids anymore PRIOR to even marrying you. How crushed would you be to find this out AFTER you were married although she had thoughts of this BEFOREHAND. You would think, then if we already agreed and sealed the deal with marriage, how selfish of you to STILL marry me knowing your view points on a dealbreaker have changed and you never discussed it with me?

[missmac]

She really is the best GF I've had. BUT she can't have kids. I knew this before we started dating, or shortly after, and was fine with it.

 

you answered your own question, let me break it down for you..

 

1. She really is the best GF I've had.

 

2. she can't have kids. I knew this before we started dating, or shortly after

 

3. I was fine with it.

 

you were fine with it then, then you should be now, otherwise youve lead this poor girl on. Take it from someone who had to end a relationship because he wanted kids, and I dont - but he kept saying that he possibly didnt want them..... save both of your time.

[SoleMate]

you were fine with [her childlessness] then, then you should be now, otherwise you've lead this poor girl on....

I disagree. "Leading her on" would be knowing that you really want kids, but swearing that you don't. The OP did not do that. He told her his honest feelings when they got together. The problem now is that his feelings have changed but he hasn't yet been honest with her. He did not lead her on 3 years ago, but he is starting to do so now if he doesn't come clean.

 

How does she know for sure that she can't have kids? Who told her that? What was she diagnosed with? Do you know how many mom-friends I have that were told they would never have kids?

Definitely!

 

Furthermore, the idea that she absolutely wants kids but absolutely refuses any of the less common routes for getting them (including adoption) is a hallmark of a....very young woman. She's 22. I remember my thoughts at 22. Wasn't sure I wanted kids (actually surveyed parents about whether they were regretful) and was dead set against the idea of actually birthing them as it seemed way too gross to contemplate. Well, I ended up choosing to have two of them Mother Nature's own way....the exact thing I felt was unlikely/unacceptable when I was 22.

 

Bottom line: Be honest with her about your changed feelings. Regardless of the fallout, it's the right thing to do. Let both of you work with the new reality together. That's what committed life partners, or potentially committed life partners, do.

[Johnson1]

I've been dating my GF for just about 3 years now and I don't know if I want to be with her. She's perfect. She's an amazing GF, I couldn't ask for better. She really is the best GF I've had. BUT she can't have kids. I knew this before we started dating, or shortly after, and was fine with it. I was fine with it for the first 2 years of the relationship, couldn't care less. It was the one thing I was sure I'd never leave her over, and I told her that often. But about a year ago it started to change. She got pregnant and (like we knew we would) we lost the baby. After that I found myself wanting to have kids, even though I didn't care before. That desire got stronger and stronger and now I really want to have kids. But if I'm with her I will never have kids.

 

To clear it up, biological kids are not an option because of health issues with her. She will NOT use a surrogate and does not want to adopt. So lets pretend those aren't even options. Basically, no kids, no exceptions.

 

But I love her. Before we dated and for the whole relationship it's something that she has been worried about a lot. I had to promise her a lot that I'd never leave her because of that and I'd be completely happy without kids. But now that's a lie. She is completely in love with me and expects that we're getting engaged right away, I led her on with that because it's what I planned/thought would happen. Last Christmas I said we'd be engaged "this time next year". So that's what she expects, not a break up.

 

I hate it because otherwise she is so perfect. She's beautiful and has an amazing personality and is an amazing GF, we get along perfect. She's the best I've had. So I don't know what to do. Do I try and ignore the desire for kids or break up with her? Telling her will crush her because that's her biggest fear and the one thing I promised her.

 

Are you prepared for the impact kids would have on your life? How much do you value your intimacy with her? I can tell you from experience my friend that if you have kids don't expect your feelings for her to stay the same, or hers for you. Kids change lives, permanently. She'll live for the kids and forget about you. I can put that in writing. That's how sure am it'll happen. It'll create a rift between you and you'll find yourself arguing over how to raise them, money issues, her lack of interest in your desires because she's too tired from taking care of the kids, and a million other little things that are too many to mention. I'm telling ya, it's a BIG MISTAKE! Trust me. I've lived it and know plenty of other married men who went down the same road. Very few guys survive raising kids from infancy to adulthood and end up coming out the other side being satisfied. It just doesn't happen. 9 times out of 10 it ends up in divorce.

[KathyM]

First, I would suggest consulting with a fertility specialist. If she aborts during the early stages of pregnancy, it could be insufficient hormone production that is causing her to lose the baby. That can be remedied by hormone injections or pills. If she is aborting in later pregnancy, it could be that her cervix is weak, and surgeons can do a procedure that literally ties the lower part of the uterus/cervix to strengthen it so that she can carry the baby to full term. I think the first step should be to consult with a fertility specialist if you haven't already done so. After you've done that, if it's determined that she would not be able to carry a baby long enough despite medical intervention, you'll have to rethink your options. Some people who don't have children of their own find other ways to have children in their life, such as volunteering to be a Big Brother to a child, volunteering to coach children, be a Boy Scout leader, be a tutor or mentor to a child, or volunteer to teach classes that work with children. You could also become a very involved uncle in the lives of your nieces and nephews, and add a wonderful element to their lives. I had an aunt whom I loved very much, who was not able to have children of her own, but she was very involved in the lives of her nieces. She came to all our family gatherings and events. We were like her adopted children, because she was so active in our lives. We were very fortunate to have a loving mother and a very active, involved and loving aunt. But I think you also need to be honest with yourself and imagine your life down the road without children that you call your own, and if that is something you feel you would be fine with, and could fill that urge in other ways that I mentioned. If the answer is no, then you owe it to your gf and yourself to be honest about it, and leave the relationship. Don't assume she will change her mind about adoption or surrogacy. She very well might not. Don't sweep your feelings about this under the rug, and hope your feelings will change or she will change. They may not. Don't pressure her to change her feelings. She has been honest with you about her feelings, and it's up to you to either accept them or to leave. If you go into a marriage hoping she will change on this, you will just find yourself resenting her when she doesn't change her opinion. You can't count on her changing her mind about this. Many people have gone into a marriage thinking their spouse will change their mind about having children, and then when their spouse doesn't, they become resentful and the marriage suffers. So first thing, consult with a fertility specialist if you haven't already done so. If you have already, you may want to get a second opinion as well. Then, if the determination is that carrying the child is not possible, consider your options. Don't assume she will change her mind about this later on. She very well might not.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Are you prepared for the impact kids would have on your life? How much do you value your intimacy with her? I can tell you from experience my friend that if you have kids don't expect your feelings for her to stay the same, or hers for you. Kids change lives, permanently. She'll live for the kids and forget about you. I can put that in writing. That's how sure am it'll happen. It'll create a rift between you and you'll find yourself arguing over how to raise them, money issues, her lack of interest in your desires because she's too tired from taking care of the kids, and a million other little things that are too many to mention. I'm telling ya, it's a BIG MISTAKE! Trust me. I've lived it and know plenty of other married men who went down the same road. Very few guys survive raising kids from infancy to adulthood and end up coming out the other side being satisfied. It just doesn't happen. 9 times out of 10 it ends up in divorce.

 

Please disregard advice from the bitter and jaded stating unscientific statistics and ramblings from his own negative experiences. You also will find a lot of counter arguments of how kids bring people together. If you are financially incompatible it is going to surface with OR without children. If you are incompatible period it will eventually be evident.

 

It seems you and your previous wife had poor communication and compromising skills and did not discuss what you should have prior to marriage so stop projecting your rather inconsequential shortcomings onto the OP. If you really want sage advice, speak to someone who has been HAPPILY married for decades and decades because then it will be clear they learned to OVERCOME because there will always be obstacles. An optimistic divorcee that can tell you constructively what NOT to do might also be a good bet.

[regine_phalange]

This is tough... Is is possible that deep inside she wants kids, but she is scared to try, fearing failure? Is she a proud person?

 

My dad used to have a small fertility problem. He didn't want to adopt back then. But after couple years, it happened that he and my mum made some kids. And then, the time came that my dad showed genuine interest in adopting. So he was never really against adopting, the opposite, but he was very proud.

 

Just don't lead her on, even though you have good intentions. Share your worries with her. Sharing will either bring you closer or drive you apart. The relationship is about both of you, not only about the one of you. Do not see her as someone with a disability. And most important, do not let her see her self as such.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Tom,

this is a tough one. First of all, I think you should talk to her honestly about how you feel. I know you started out thinking you would be happy without kids, but you changed your mind over time. That happens. People get married, swearing to love each other until death does them part, but years later one or both fall out of love. Happens every day. It is sad, but it does not make them a liar, simply because they promised they would love that other person forever.

 

BUT you say you have been feeling this way for a year, which means you have been leading her on or lying to her to all that time. Stop it. Sit her down and tell her honestly how you feel. Tell her you love her, but you don't think you will be happy if you never have the chance to have children and you are afraid you will resent her for that some day. Ask her again if she might be open to adoption or fostering.

 

It does not mean you have to break up straight away if she is adamant about her no-adoption or surrogate stand, but at least she will know how you feel and maybe you can find a solution together.

 

Good luck!

[carhill]

To clear it up, biological kids are not an option because of health issues with her. She will NOT use a surrogate and does not want to adopt. So lets pretend those aren't even options. Basically, no kids, no exceptions.

 

She sounds inflexible and not open to compromise nor team solutions, so I'd launch her for those reasons.