I ended the affair today

[TurkishDelight]

Today I ended my affair. Now to be strong and not go back or regret my decision...

 

How do you move on and not want to contact them?

Edited November 5, 2013 by TurkishDelight

[ChooseTruth]

Today I ended the short affair I have been having with MM.

 

I was beginning to develop feelings for MM and knew I was starting to want more than he could give - more than we could both give (I'm also married).

 

I was also starting to feel that the risk I was taking in jeopardising my marriage wasn't worth what I was getting from MM in return.

 

I love my husband and I hate myself for saying it but I've never been as romantically in love with him as he is me and I don't feel that "connection" with him - I never really did but he is a wonderful husband and father. The MM and I had a lot in common with a chemistry I never had with my husband, even in the beginning of our relationship. That is why I was attracted to MM in the first place.

 

I knew that even after an affair of such a relatively short time it would be hard to end and it is. I've been holding in the tears until I can fall apart later on my own.

 

MM was in agreement with everything I said about ending things and I don't think there is any chance that he will try to pull me back in to the affair. He has too much to lose as well. I did ask him that if I hadn't of ended things today if he would have, and he said he probably would have done so eventually.

 

My first instinct is to confess to my husband, but I know that is only to make myself feel better and nothing good would come of it. The MM was already on my husband's radar as a colleague with whom I was getting too friendly with so to admit what I have done would destroy him. I also think he would contact MM's wife and tell her and that's not my choice to make - MM should tell her if he wants to (which he said he won't).

 

I can't deny that I do feel some relief in making the decision because I knew it couldn't go on as it was and it was starting to do my head in thinking and wondering all the time, but it still hurts to know I won't spend time with him anymore. Most importantly I'll miss his friendship which is how the affair started off in the first place.

 

• It would put a definite end to the affair.
  
• It would give you back a real connection to your H instead of a fake one.
  
• It would give him the choice to stay with the real you or not instead of tricking and manipulating him into being with you through lies.
  
• It would stop the web of lies.
  
• It will explain to him what has been off in your marriage.
  
• It would give you a fighting chance to save your marriage, unlike if he found out some other way.
  

 

Lies do more damage to marriages than anything else. Once trust is gone then one can't believe anything they hear. If you show him you can be truthful even when it's scary as hell, that's a great start. If he discovers through some other means you will be set back further than you can even imagine right now. He's already suspicious. Don't underestimate him.

[miguelcervantes]

Are you going to tell your husband and is he going to tell his wife and both of you ask for forgiveness ?

 

Or are the betrayed going to stay in the dark until each of you stray again ?

[atreides]

Today I ended my affair. Now to be strong and not go back or regret my decision...

 

How do you move on and not want to contact them?

 

I don't subscribe to helping "cake eating" you want to get away with it and only find a way to end your lust for the AP and go back to your fallacy of a M.

 

So the only advise i would give is to expose your A to your spouse and the AP's spouse, that will guarantee and end to the A.

[atreides]

Looks like the OP edited the post, I will respond to the quote

 

My first instinct is to confess to my husband, but I know that is only to make myself feel better and nothing good would come of it. The MM was already on my husband's radar as a colleague with whom I was getting too friendly with so to admit what I have done would destroy him. I also think he would contact MM's wife and tell her and that's not my choice to make - MM should tell her if he wants to (which he said he won't).

 

I will blunt, in my opinion you are ending the A because you don't want to get caught, you said it yourself, your AP is on your H's radar. Everything else you state comes off as shallow to me.

Confess to your H and yes he should expose it to the OM's wife. That will ensure all lies stop and if you really love your H, and he wants you back, you will then have earned the position to be back in your M. You are better off confessing as you have no guarantees that your H wont find out anyway and if he does without confession, the damage is far worse.

 

Please don't make your H live a lie of a marriage with you.

[dichotomy]

Unless you can fix this

 

I hate myself for saying it but I've never been as romantically in love with him as he is me and I don't feel that "connection" with him - I never really did but he is a wonderful husband and father

 

You are facing the risk of another affair and not being the wife your husband should have.You are not the first wife (or husband) to say they love their spouse but not as a romantic/sexual/intimate way - and this usually leads to them seeking this part out elsewhere.

[atreides]

Unless you can fix this

 

I hate myself for saying it but I've never been as romantically in love with him as he is me and I don't feel that "connection" with him - I never really did but he is a wonderful husband and father

 

You are facing the risk of another affair and not being the wife your husband should have.You are not the first wife (or husband) to say they love their spouse but not as a romantic/sexual/intimate way - and this usually leads to them seeking this part out elsewhere.

 

Good point, BUT... i never buy into that reasoning. I see it as an excuse to blunt some of the blame and walk into the land of victimville.

 

If true, it asks too many questions as to her intent for getting married in the first place. Are we really to believe the reasoning that she walked into a marriage without romantic feelings? I would then question character, manipulative intent and most of all the entire point of the marriage. Her H never had a chance at all.

 

I sincerely hope it is just a verbal excuse, and that the OP can come to terms with her "cake eating" to put it mildly and look deep within and find the courage to end the lies to her H and there is to be any saving of the M.

 

If not, then she needs to end it with her H and tell him why. But... i don't think that will happen as the context suggests otherwise from the original post.

[not-so-sure]

Good point, BUT... i never buy into that reasoning. I see it as an excuse to blunt some of the blame and walk into the land of victimville.

 

If true, it asks too many questions as to her intent for getting married in the first place. Are we really to believe the reasoning that she walked into a marriage without romantic feelings? I would then question character, manipulative intent and most of all the entire point of the marriage. Her H never had a chance at all.

 

People get married for lots of reasons. As much as we all would like to believe there's a meeting of the minds and hearts, sometimes that's just not the case. I would hesitate to cast aspersions on the OP on reasons for marriage. Some feel pressured, others want to please, and other choose to marry for love.

 

I sincerely hope it is just a verbal excuse, and that the OP can come to terms with her "cake eating" to put it mildly and look deep within and find the courage to end the lies to her H and there is to be any saving of the M.

 

If not, then she needs to end it with her H and tell him why. But... i don't think that will happen as the context suggests otherwise from the original post.

 

Life is far more complicated than the black and white picture you're painting. I wish it wasn't. There'd be no place for a forum such as loveshack if everything were so easy. You can't ever get the full picture from a forum post and it's so easy to be judgmental based on what you read.

 

To the OP? Resist. Stick with your decision. The grass isn't necessarily greener. I, as a WS, am slowly discovering that.

[bobwhite007]

You should tell your husband asap. How can you live with yourself if you don't. He has a right to know the truth. This all sounds just like my situation. It started out as friends and quickly became more. Its just plain wrong.Come clean today. You may never get another .chance.

[Realist3]

Today I ended my affair. Now to be strong and not go back or regret my decision...

 

How do you move on and not want to contact them?

 

One day at a time, and you will definitely want to contact him. From my own experience, and from reading other's experiences the chances are pretty high you will get back together at some point.

[Confused48]

You should probably post this on the OW/OM board. You seem much more like an unrepentant OW than someone wanting recover from infidelity. You would get a lot more sympathy and support for your desire to just sweep this under the rug on the OW/OM side.

[atreides]

People get married for lots of reasons. As much as we all would like to believe there's a meeting of the minds and hearts, sometimes that's just not the case. I would hesitate to cast aspersions on the OP on reasons for marriage. Some feel pressured, others want to please, and other choose to marry for love.

 

There are exceptions, i have a friend in an arranged marriage.. it's his culture and family that enforced it. However all too often, we tend to give too many exceptions, when more than likely there is a norm of response excuses living in the fog. However, all i stated was it begged the question, which is a fair assessment.

 

 

Life is far more complicated than the black and white picture you're painting. I wish it wasn't.

 

I would say the opposite, black and white is much more complicated and much harder to face.. saying there is grey is white washing, too much can live and hide in the grey. There can be unknowns to which once known is clear and that is a process achieve it.

 

There'd be no place for a forum such as loveshack if everything were so easy. You can't ever get the full picture from a forum post and it's so easy to be judgmental based on what you read.

 

That's my point, excuses are easy, facing what the OP should do is hard. As I stated, black and white is the more difficult, realities need to be faced and I stated as well... is a process. That is the point in my opinion of LS. However, if one cannot come to terms and face themselves in the mirror, it's all moot.

 

The OP should not live a lie nor should her H have to live with never knowing. If there really isn't romantic love, she should either try to kindle some or move on... but in either case tell her H what she did. He deserves that much. The excuse of "it will destroy him" is as shallow as the intent to continuing to live a lie. It may indeed destroy him but i should use that in the past tense, the damage is already done.

[atreides]

You should probably post this on the OW/OM board. You seem much more like an unrepentant OW than someone wanting recover from infidelity. You would get a lot more sympathy and support for your desire to just sweep this under the rug on the OW/OM side.

 

Indeed, and so sad... too much rug sweeping.

[Yesterday]

You probably felt the same attraction, romance and connection for your husband when you dated too. It is easy to forget about those true feelings after years together, the day to day dealings with work, home, and family. Please understand, you have not only cheated on your husband, it is your kids, your friends, your family, that is affected by your relationship outside your marriage.

 

Those feelings for your AP are there from the excitement of being together in secrecy and without any boundaries. Was your affair physical, if so you may have placed yourself and husband at risk of STDs? Your AP may have been in any other affairs, it is possible he knew how to play you? Your husbands radar seems to have picked up on this.

 

As others are saying, the only way to move on is to start fresh with your husband. He gets to decide what his options are knowing the real you. At least with coming clean, you are showing true signs of remorse, and that you are willing to accept full responsibility. It won't be easy on him, or you. He may ask for details, or not. Be prepared to give him any that he asks for, be true and honest. Warn him, he may not like what he hears.

 

I suggest you seek professional help, good luck.

[harrybrown]

If your husband had an affair, would you want to know?

 

Have you been tested for stds? My friend's wife gave him a serious illness from her affair. If that happens, he will find out. His wife thought that he was in love with her and just using her and others for sex. He would cheat and lie to his wife, but he would never lie or cheat on his AP.

 

The best way is to go NC and either he or you find another job.

 

Your affair you keep in a secret fantasy world of unicorns. You should tell your husband and that is the best way to stop the affair. The affair thrives in the fantasy world of darkness.

 

Give your H a timeline of your affair in writing and do not trickle truth him.

 

You are probably still in the affair fog. Tell you H with the timeline now.

[Artie Lang]

i'm not so sure that it's over, as i see this is a co-worker..... also married.

 

you need to go NC. i don't see this happening in your current situation.

 

 

do you plan on telling your husband?

[Chi townD]

"TurkishDelight

Today I ended the short affair I have been having with MM.

 

I was beginning to develop feelings for MM and knew I was starting to want more than he could give - more than we could both give (I'm also married).

 

I was also starting to feel that the risk I was taking in jeopardising my marriage wasn't worth what I was getting from MM in return.

 

I love my husband and I hate myself for saying it but I've never been as romantically in love with him as he is me and I don't feel that "connection" with him - I never really did but he is a wonderful husband and father. The MM and I had a lot in common with a chemistry I never had with my husband, even in the beginning of our relationship. That is why I was attracted to MM in the first place.

 

I knew that even after an affair of such a relatively short time it would be hard to end and it is. I've been holding in the tears until I can fall apart later on my own.

 

MM was in agreement with everything I said about ending things and I don't think there is any chance that he will try to pull me back in to the affair. He has too much to lose as well. I did ask him that if I hadn't of ended things today if he would have, and he said he probably would have done so eventually.

 

My first instinct is to confess to my husband, but I know that is only to make myself feel better and nothing good would come of it. The MM was already on my husband's radar as a colleague with whom I was getting too friendly with so to admit what I have done would destroy him. I also think he would contact MM's wife and tell her and that's not my choice to make - MM should tell her if he wants to (which he said he won't).

 

I can't deny that I do feel some relief in making the decision because I knew it couldn't go on as it was and it was starting to do my head in thinking and wondering all the time, but it still hurts to know I won't spend time with him anymore. Most importantly I'll miss his friendship which is how the affair started off in the first place."

 

 

 

Apparently, this is what you ORGINALLY wrote in your first post, but you went back and changed it to something that wouldn't get you blasted by some posters. So, you're hiding things from total strangers just like you're going to be content to do to your husband.

 

Sorry Lady, but I can't help anyone who won't own up to their own sh*t.

[atreides]

 

Sorry Lady, but I can't help anyone who won't own up to their own sh*t.

 

Priceless, i couldn't have said it any better.

[Mr. Lucky]

"TurkishDelight

 

I love my husband and I hate myself for saying it but I've never been as romantically in love with him as he is me and I don't feel that "connection" with him - I never really did but he is a wonderful husband and father.

Nice that you would use someone you don't really love to provide for you and help with the kids. And what a sweet deal he has - he gets to be in the dark about both how you feel about him and what you're doing with your spare time.

 

And that's your definition of "love" for your husband ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[not-so-sure]

There are exceptions, i have a friend in an arranged marriage.. it's his culture and family that enforced it. However all too often, we tend to give too many exceptions, when more than likely there is a norm of response excuses living in the fog. However, all i stated was it begged the question, which is a fair assessment.

 

I completely agree.

 

I would say the opposite, black and white is much more complicated and much harder to face.. saying there is grey is white washing, too much can live and hide in the grey. There can be unknowns to which once known is clear and that is a process achieve it.

 

How can you say that when you open your post with a clear exception to any black or white construct? To impute that the laws of love and companionship are immutable is, to my mind, naive and lacks serious thought. As you rightly point out, cultural differences lend shades to the spectrum, and who are you, or I for that matter, to judge on the reasons why people agree to spend their lives together? That whitewashing you're talking about is *context*, and it's neither right nor wrong, black or white.

 

That's my point, excuses are easy, facing what the OP should do is hard. As I stated, black and white is the more difficult, realities need to be faced and I stated as well... is a process. That is the point in my opinion of LS. However, if one cannot come to terms and face themselves in the mirror, it's all moot.

 

The OP should not live a lie nor should her H have to live with never knowing. If there really isn't romantic love, she should either try to kindle some or move on... but in either case tell her H what she did. He deserves that much. The excuse of "it will destroy him" is as shallow as the intent to continuing to live a lie. It may indeed destroy him but i should use that in the past tense, the damage is already done.

 

I do agree whole heartedly that transparency in a relationship is the bedrock of its longevity.

[miguelcervantes]

Still no word from "Turkish Delight" - just that one original post and then the flurry of comments from all of us.

[atreides]

It looks like we agree in the most part, so i will just answer this quote.

 

I completely agree.

 

How can you say that when you open your post with a clear exception to any black or white construct?

 

 

An exception is a clear result (I was talking about vs the norm), a non "blurred" happening if you will, it is or is not. We may see definitions differently but black and white is not about being limited to 2 results but is about clarity. It is what is. For example, below you state that I implied love cannot change, sure it can, it is a new reality with new clarity there is nothing questionable or unknown about it. Black and white is very much dynamic.

 

 

 

To impute that the laws of love and companionship are immutable is, to my mind, naive and lacks serious thought. As you rightly point out, cultural differences lend shades to the spectrum, and who are you, or I for that matter, to judge on the reasons why people agree to spend their lives together?

 

The culture exception is not a shade, it is black and white, it is what is dealt to them. As to judge, it is a waste of time to assume, we are given a post and could as you have state, "there is more to the story" and be correct. However, I go off what is given without assumption, the post was edited and changed in such a way that lead to my judgement. I believe judgement whether it is right or wrong is part of the process when any of us fall from grace. We are better for it.

Take sophie's threads, read my posts, there i change as information is given but it is also based upon what is written. Sophie later reveals and gives more info where i gladly retracted opinion for new opinion.

 

That whitewashing you're talking about is *context*, and it's neither right nor wrong, black or white.

 

Too many times we escape clarity or when we simply know what is and or know better but do not admit to it or deny it. We then add shallow complexities to hide from or to mask with layers under the guise of "being human" which we so often call the grey.

 

There are a few legit uses for grey such as when it is really unknown but once solved becomes black and white.

[atreides]

Still no word from "Turkish Delight" - just that one original post and then the flurry of comments from all of us.

 

True, we bombarded the thread but likely as one stated, this user is better suited to post in another forum the OM/OW suited for support of what she wants to do. Too many in this forum "infidelity" including myself do not subscribe to assisting an A or hiding form it whether that is right or wrong.