Chi townD Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 She wants you to show her? Then fine! Show her the 180. Here it is: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." 2
JaelBlue Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 And a little more about me. This is personal **** OK. Judge me all you want, but enduring abuse as a child has some kind of an unchangeable effect on people. It isn't bull****. It's real. I wonder if anyone here has the balls to share with me some of the evil things they have done. Anyway, something had long since changed inside my mind, and I am pretty sure it stems from my childhood. It's not an excuse. I know what I have done is wrong. I only offer this information as sort of an explanation of WHY I have rage toward animals sometimes. Dear Sadman, My heart breaks for you because I understand. And I am so very sorry. I do not have the nerve to share my details in this forum but I DO understand (my situation did not involve animals). Unless they have experienced it no one can or will understand it...ever. Try not to be too hurt by the reaction of others. The only way to avoid the compulsion, in your case hurting animals, is to avoid the object - animals. No matter how good you are doing, no matter how well the meds are working, you can NEVER have another pet. Not even if you get back with your wife and she says she believes in you. Not even if your son begs for a pet and wonders why all his friends get them and he doesn't. Not even if you have gone 20 years without incident. You know it's always there, deep inside, that undefinable blackness waiting to take over. That split second when the rage is all you see and the release is all you need and nothing else exists. Accepting that this can happen again at anytime makes you a better, safer person. I hope things work out with your wife but if they don't, please consider something. It could be good for you to have a relationship with someone who has not been a witness/victim of your abuse. Of course you would have to be honest with any other woman who might become important to you. However, it would be much easier for a person who has not been directly involved with it to support you in your recovery. It could also be much more healing for you to be with someone who is not a daily reminder of the damage you have caused. I know how difficult it is to forgive yourself and to accept that God has forgiven you. A clean slate can make this easier. I just wanted to reach out and let you know that there you are not alone. I commend you for taking responsibility for your actions and pursuing health. God bless you in your journey. -Jael
harrybrown Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 After reading this, I was glad that the 180 was mentioned. Have you gone to individual counseling? If not, go. that is an action that you can take.
Author sadman37 Posted November 29, 2013 Author Posted November 29, 2013 (edited) Hey thanks to ALL who replied here. I've been busy reading and learning and working out and going to meet with my sponsor and also busy at work. Also, I found my own apartment. Here's where we are at, right now. There is a lot of stuff in this message, but I want to be as detailed as possible. Since last Saturday, I have been upbeat and positive, as well as calm and collected and in control of my emotions, whenever I have been around my wife. I am actually really feeling quite a bit better than I was a week and a half ago, so I am not pretending around her so much. My wife told me this evening that she has noticed my attitude change. Last Friday, I texted her in the evening and asked her about her job prospects. She asked "Why?" I told her "because we are close friends, and I am taking an interest." Then, I texted her, "No biggie. I'm going to the gym now. Have a good evening." She texted me a simple good night message later that evening. The next day she texted me and told me she "missed me yesterday..weird huh?" She actually texted those words..."weird huh?" with a little smiley face. I wrote her back and said, "Miss you too." I went over to start getting boxes out of the basement. She was all stressed out about finding a job and an apartment and stuff. I was very positive and upbeat and joking around and making her laugh and stuff. Right before I left, she said, "I am sorry. I am not trying to be rude to you. I'm just stressed out. You're the only one I can vent to. I really did miss you yesterday, and I thought about you all throughout the day." It sure felt good to hear those words! We then shared the best hug we have had in many months. She was actually very close to me, and we hugged for a long time. Sunday, at church, as we sat next to each other, she wrote me a little note that said, "Will you come over for pizza after church today?" I wrote her back and said, "Yes." It was another good day. I was going a bit overboard on the compliments and the joking around, she told me, but she said she would rather see me like this instead of all depressed and stuff. I've seen her several times since then, to help her find an apartment. She tells me it means so much to her that I am helping, and she acknowledges how weird it must be for me to be helping her "leave me." I was at our house helping her with low income apartment paperwork. I told her. "Yes, it feels strange and yucky, but I am here for you, and I understand that you need to do this for YOU." I also told her, "I feel like I am losing you." She said, "You aren't losing me." We hugged again. We left at the same time, and as she pulled backward out of the driveway, she said "I love you." I could see her mouth moving, through the windshield. she smiled and waved. Later that evening, I texted her "Your amazing smile reminded me of something." She wrote back, "Ha what?" I then texted her the little story of how I saw her at the mall before I even met her (I met her two years later)...etc. etc., and she immediately called me all happy and stuff. I was going to tell her something, and I first told her, "I am not trying to dazzle you with what I am about to say..." she then said, "No please dazzle me." We continued to talk for quite a while after this. Now I know some people on here would not agree with me helping her. However, since she is not my "Ex" yet, then helping her is fine, in my opinion. It's not like we are divorced or even in the process of getting a divorce. She has not mentioned divorce for three weeks now. She mentioned divorce to me at the mall three weeks ago. I ran into her there, and she thought I was following her. I had no idea she was there. Casper is a small town. I told her the truth, that I was there to buy a coat and get a haircut, and I had no idea she and our son would be there. She finally believed me that I was not following her. She has complimented how I look and smell, three times, since Saturday. Now I know what cologne to buy!! My sample is gonzo. I have been dressing very very nicely and present myself this way every time I see her (except when I went over to move boxes and junk). We text fairly regularly, but I do not text her until she texts me. It's hard, but she eventually texts me, at least before our son's bedtime. She texted me the other night, after I picked up a box of green tea that she had left in the planter outside our front door. She texted, "You got your stuff :)" I then texted her that I appreciate everything she does, and she responded that she appreciates everything I do too., She then called later that evening and was calling me "baby" and "honey" and she was very sweet and in a good mood. I told her it was good to hear her voice before going to sleep. She told me it was good to hear my voice, as well. Today, I was at her parents' house for thanksgiving. She was there, too. She hugged me when I went out to the car, right when she pulled up, to help get our son out of his carseat. She smiled and said hello enthusiastically when she saw me. I sat on the couch before the food was served, and I looked over at her as she was setting the table. She smiled and waved at me. Then, she hugged me again when she walked past the little tool room next door, as I was searching for a tool. I told her she smelled good and looked good. She smiled and said, "Thank you." She had complimented me before this and told me I looked very nice. At the table, while we were all eating, she reached across our son's shoulders (he was sitting between us) and gently stroked my shoulder. I reached over and gave her a short shoulder stroke, as well. She got up and got the coffee pot to refill all the cups. As she poured mine, she put her hand on my back and then gently ran her hand across my shoulder blades. It felt really nice!! Later, She hugged me good bye, as I wanted to be the first to leave the house. She also said I could come over to our house later and bring some food I had made. She called when she was done at her folks' house, and she told me to come over and bring the food. I showed up with a drink for her and we sat on the couch in the living room and ate a little food and she talked and talked about her mom and stuff. I sat there silently and listened to her. She said, "Oh Tim I will stop talking now. It's probably driving you nuts." I said, "Not at all. I like listening to you talk." She then continued to talk and talk, and I just listened, with a few words of input here and there. Then, I presented to her a message in a bottle I had made. She loves art, so I made a very small little drawing with a note behind it. She loved it. She then told me she felt inspired to paint again. She hasn't painted in over two years. She has said over and over how she "lost her desire" to paint anymore. She said, "Sorry to kick you out Tim, but I have to paint!" I texted her a few times and then called her to see how her painting was coming along. She texted me and asked me what music she should play while she painted. She had painted for three hours. I called her and told her good night, and we talked about stuff, stuff that is kind of yucky, for a while, but the conversation never got "heated." I said, "I love you." She said, "Love you." She also told me that she made the decision that she is NOT going to go see that guy at the mall again and that it has been "a long time" since she last saw him. She said, "I am a strong person, and I just do what I need to do." She is a strong person, this I know. That was it. She told me she will call me tomorrow. I know she is still going to move out on her own. She told me the other night, "This is just how it has to be, for now." I am hanging on those words, "For now." This is where we are at, and it seems pretty darn good. I keep taking little baby steps and am very controlled when I am around her. I think she is noticing how I am changing, and I am ACTUALLY changing, which is the beautiful part. Well, I know she is seeing how I am changing. She told me that I am doing really good. I know she is waiting for me to fall into some bi-polar depressed, agitated state. I just know it. I WON'T LET HER SEE THIS SIDE OF ME ANYMORE, IF AND WHEN IT HAPPENS!! What do you guys think? Edited November 29, 2013 by sadman37
thedude1974 Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Stay the course ... for YOURSELF. Best of Luck.
Author sadman37 Posted November 29, 2013 Author Posted November 29, 2013 Stay the course ... for YOURSELF. Best of Luck. Yes, exactly. There is hope, for me, and for me and my family. I'm taking baby steps with my wife and big steps for myself. Thank you for your input. I sincerely appreciate it.
Author sadman37 Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 She wants you to show her? Then fine! Show her the 180. Here it is: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." Dang man....so she wants to SEE me just move on as if I don't care at all, basically. Some of this stuff is SO HARD to do. Blah. So, doing all this stuff will give me my best chance of her becoming sexually attracted to me again?
Author sadman37 Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 Yesterday I read my wife a letter I wrote. Simply put, it was all about letting her go. She stammered around and stuff, after I read it. She said, "Um...does...um...are you saying this is the END?" I said, "No. I am letting you go. I am letting you go so you can be separate from me." She said, "Are we still going to talk?" I said, "Yes, if you call me, I will talk to you." She said, "Will you sit by me in church still?" I said, "Sure." Later last night she texted me and apologized for posting a picture on FB of some really buff guy. I told her, "I shouldn't have checked. You are free. The cage door has opened." She then sent a sad face with tears and put "I know." Today, she called me and told me, "I feel like a kid who wants to be let go. Let me go let me go. But when you read that to me, I thought wait a minute do I really want to be let go?" She also told me, "I just want you to know that sometimes it is SOO hard to not be close to you....like today in church I wanted to be close to you, but I am still in such a weird place. I just wanted to let you know that it is so hard for me." Wow. I felt so empowered after I read that letter to her. I felt like a gained some respect, which is extremely important, if I ever want to get back together with my wife. Anyway, there you have it. Good stuff.
aliveagain Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 The best way to show her you are changing and working on yourself is to get yourself into counselling. You need to show her you are working on your anger issues and that she and the children are safe. Do this for yourself in any event. Learn about art, her favorite artist, talk about what she finds interesting. Take her to a gallery in whatever major center is near you, there is always an art show somewhere.
Author sadman37 Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 Hey thank you for your reply. I am in counseling. So this is good, for me and for her. I also have talked to her about her paintings and also bought her a book about "being an artist." She loves it! I also have the idea in my head to take her to Denver to an art gallery. I do not feel it is the right time to ask her about this yet. she is all stressed out about finding work and a place to live. I can't wait to ask her about the gallery in Denver, however. I bought her some brushes and a good brush cleaner jar. I will give them to her on Saturday. I am working on figuring out how to talk to her more about painting. I am an artist, too. I use graphite and charcoal. I sent her some of my old drawings today, in fact, in phone pics. Today, she and I saw each other three times for "business" reasons, yet we spent a lot of time talking and I also held her hand more than I have in a long time. She let me pick her up and twirl her, too, like I used to do. It has been a good day, overall. The best way to show her you are changing and working on yourself is to get yourself into counselling. You need to show her you are working on your anger issues and that she and the children are safe. Do this for yourself in any event. Learn about art, her favorite artist, talk about what she finds interesting. Take her to a gallery in whatever major center is near you, there is always an art show somewhere.
Author sadman37 Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 (edited) Just an update, Hope some women can chime in here. Well, I got a kiss on the cheek from her earlier. I set up wifi in the house, and she hugged me for a long time and then kissed me on the cheek. She said "Tim, you warmed my heart tonight by helping me. Thank you." sure felt good to be close to her. I haven't felt her lips, in any way, shape, or form, in 10 weeks. Feels like forever. After I got to my place, she called with a Facetime request. I was surprised. I joked around about her stripping for me over the phone, and she laughed and laughed some more and sort of danced while showing me her body (clothed). She kept zooming in on her eyes and her face, and she was smiling a lot. It felt good to know she was happy, at least, for the moment. She is so ****ing gorgeous. Anyone here who would see her picture would agree with me. Anyway, we were on the phone for a good long while. It was so nice. I have been consistently calm and confident, these past two-three weeks, and she is noticing and has commented on how much she likes being around me when I am like this. She has told me several times that she talks to me more than she talks to anyone else, in person, or over the phone. She acknowledges that I am the one who is supporting her the most, through this whole separation ordeal. She told her sister this, too. She told me she is working on getting over this ****ing guy who is just an impossible fantasy. She says, "I haven't gotten over this and other things yet. It's so retarded. I know it is." I believe in time this fantasy will fade, and this will certainly help in the "us" department. She is stressed out about the apartment deal...she is waiting to hear about whether she got this one place or not. Crazy times. Things seem to be looking up. She hasn't mentioned divorce, lately. She mentioned it a few times, when I really pissed her off (I didn't mean to). She would call later and tell me she was speaking out of anger and told me not to worry, and she apologized. I think the best thing I can do is not contact her first and wait for her to contact me and also be calm and speak softly and listen to her a lot. It is also crucial that I keep working on myself and taking care of myself, which is what I have been doing. I am working on my issues. I had a lot of anger inside of me because of stuff that happened to me, in my life. I never dealt with the anger properly. I wish I had....but HEY it's never too late to get better!! I am trying. There is still hope for us. It will be a long road, though....I think. Edited December 27, 2013 by sadman37
Iguanna Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I guess it's very hard for people who are involved in a situation to see the facts in it. This woman wants to have a flirt with another guy, that's why she needs time. She doesn't want to leave the marriage though or be called a cheater, so what does she do? She says "I need some time to figure out my feelings", she is free for the moment, she screws with the other guy some times, and after she is renewed she goes back to her husband and he treats her like goddess and he is grateful she made him the honor to come back. If only all cheaters would do that! Really respectful behavior... No I'm being sarcastic. She has a great audacity and I would not take her back unless she proved that she was faithful during this time and that her heart is 100% in the marriage. (have read only the 5-6 first posts, I'm sure there is more to this story). 1
Author sadman37 Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 ETA: Not my place. I don't understand
Author sadman37 Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 I guess it's very hard for people who are involved in a situation to see the facts in it. This woman wants to have a flirt with another guy, that's why she needs time. She doesn't want to leave the marriage though or be called a cheater, so what does she do? She says "I need some time to figure out my feelings", she is free for the moment, she screws with the other guy some times, and after she is renewed she goes back to her husband and he treats her like goddess and he is grateful she made him the honor to come back. If only all cheaters would do that! Really respectful behavior... No I'm being sarcastic. She has a great audacity and I would not take her back unless she proved that she was faithful during this time and that her heart is 100% in the marriage. (have read only the 5-6 first posts, I'm sure there is more to this story). Yes there are lots of details. I know them all, inside and out...trust me. I am a sneaky mother****er. She is NOT screwing another man, nor is she looking to do so. She wants to get rid of the URGE to be with another man. She is a good woman who got pushed away....by me. She is trying to do what is right, for her and for me. She really is.
aliveagain Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 If your not working on the marriage your working against it. I agree, separation is just an excuse to be single without the guilt. What woman leaves the father of her child for a maybe fantasy? What woman leaves her living breathing husband for someone she met in a mall if she isn't sure about the outcome, do woman do that? I think you need to stop this insanity and push her off the fence. Your both looking for apartments, apartments have lease's and financial commitments. You need to know where you stand today. You need to tell her that infidelity is never going to be acceptable in your marriage and you will remove yourself from it one way or another. You need to tell her that you will not be sharing your wife with other men that she is free to date anyone she wants to, just not as your wife. If she doesn't want to be with you stop being nice, talk to a lawyer. You can't fix this by yourself, she needs to be equally committed to the marriage. You need professional help because trying to do this on your own is not working. 1
revitup Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 ETA: Not my place. At least I got it ...... Not mine either, REVITUP
Sittinginmcds Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 You hurt your animals? I know you may be upset but I think you deserve every bit of misery the world can heap on you. Sorry no sympathy here.
Author sadman37 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 I am sorry now that I was honest about my problem. I HATE it more than any of you do, let me assure you. Yes, I have hurt men, too, but I did it for self-preservation. I served in the United States Marine Corps. Don't talk to me about hurting "a man." I know how to hurt a man, and I do not like it, nor do I like thinking about it. It's easy to talk smack in a forum like this when you do not know a person. If a man threatens my personal safety or the safety of my family, I will hurt him or worse. That's normal. Now for the abnormal, which I have acknowledged. I DON'T KNOW why I sometimes suddenly, out of nowhere, have an uncontrollable rage that I let out on a helpless animal. Believe me, it makes me sad as HELL. I do not understand it fully, but I have been working on it, with a special therapist. I really am not a horrible person. I have a good heart. I do not enjoy the fact that I have this problem. I didn't ask for it. It just IS. My therapist told me that it has everything to do with my father choking me and smothering me with pillows and beating me and starving me, when I was a child. I endured other abuse that I will not mention here. This is not an EXCUSE for my actions, OK. It is simply an explanation. I do not excuse myself or shun any responsibility, for my actions. I AM getting therapy, for a variety of my problems, and I AM getting better..... ...which brings me to the update on my marital situation. I love my wife, more than anything on this damn planet. She is a gem, and no other of its kind exists in this damn place. She saved my life more than once. This is because her heart is full of so much love that it is incomprehensible. I am never giving up on my marriage to her. It is too precious. She is too precious. Anyway, My wife and I have grown closer to each other, over the past two months. She is actually visiting me a lot and allowing me to visit her a lot. We sit together and hold hands and talk to each other. We cry together. We laugh together. We share everything about ourselves with one another. We have gotten pretty intimate with each other this past month. My wife has known me for 13 years. She saw the good parts of me and accepted my proposal of marriage. She found out the bad parts of me, over the years, and she still loves me because she knows I am not a horrible person. She knows that the good parts of me are really really good. She realizes that I have problems. She wants me to get better. She wants us to get back together, when we are both healthy again. I have been very successfully treating my bi-polar disorder and my other problems. I have been working my ass off at all of this. It is worth it, for me and for my family. My wife noticed the changes I have experienced. This is what has drawn us closer to one another. She finds me more attractive now. She enjoys being around me now. She enjoys talking to me now. I enjoy listening to her now. I enjoy just sharing the same air with her. We have gone out on dates, and they were spectacular. She was happy and actually told me, "You were the man I have always wanted you to be, tonight." This felt damn good to hear, from her. I am a good father, to my son. I love him, with all my heart. He is precious. The HUGE problem that my wife and I face is her obsession with that guy she met at the store. She is so stuck on him...the idea of him. She thinks she loves him. He is UNAVAILABLE. She and him will NEVER happen. She is sad about this, in her heart. Her mind is clear and does not want him. Her heart tells her otherwise. She WANTS me and her to work, to be a family again. She is struggling a TON to get over this damn guy. She and I have talked openly about this problem. It was very therapeutic, for both of us. It finally all came out from under the rug. It was like a breath of fresh air, for once. It is no longer this "taboo" thing or whatever. This is a good thing. My wife told me just earlier today that it is just going to take time. She just does not know how much time. Also, she does fear that I will backslide and become the bi-polar mess I once was. All I can do is remain consistent, which I will do. She tells me that she needs me, but it's weird. She tells me that if I do not wait for her that she will understand but that she would be devastated if I walked away from our marriage. She told me she feels she cannot put stipulations on me, since she is the one who wanted the separation. She is not playing games with me. She is simply being honest with me about where she is at. She and I are planning on going on a date next week again. This is a huge thing considering that back in October through mid-December she did not want to have anything to do with me, for the most part. We talk tons on the phone. We have warm, close hugs. We tease each other, in a sexual way, and we have been pretty sexual a number of times, which is amazing to me. I thought it would take way longer to get to this point. We really are making progress, in so many ways. The biggest and most important thing is that we are communicating more effectively than we ever have. I believe that this is what is going to save our marriage.............communication and me remaining stable. Of course, when I am not stable, I cannot converse with anyone properly.
Author sadman37 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 I don't want, nor do I need your sympathy. You hurt your animals? I know you may be upset but I think you deserve every bit of misery the world can heap on you. Sorry no sympathy here.
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