Wayward Wife I Need Suggestions

[sadman37]

A big part of me feels that I deserve all this pain.

[lollipopspot]

You probably did kill the dog, or even worse - left to dogfighting, starvation, etc.

 

It would have been far better to have taken the dog to be killed at a vet or shelter, rather than to be left to whatever fate she had.

 

How remorseful are you for doing this?

 

If you still get feelings that you want to do something so callous and heartless, then you need to work a lot more on yourself.

[sadman37]

She also told me the other night that when she went to the mall she had, in the back of her mind, worries about me hurting our son.

 

I have never ever had the urge to hurt any human person....only animals.

 

I can see how she would have a dark worry about this....but it still hurt my feelings a lot when she told me this.

[sadman37]

You probably did kill the dog, or even worse - left to dogfighting, starvation, etc.

 

It would have been far better to have taken the dog to be killed at a vet or shelter, rather than to be left to whatever fate she had.

 

How remorseful are you for doing this?

 

If you still get feelings that you want to do something so callous and heartless, then you need to work a lot more on yourself.

 

I am extremely sorry for what I did. I think about it every day....a LOT.

 

I haven't had these feelings since then, but we have not had a dog, either....for good reason.

[sadman37]

I hate myself for having this problem. Ugh

 

I can't blame my wife for being all ****ed up.

[2sunny]

Do you take medicine regularly for your bipolar diagnosis?

[sadman37]

Yes. I began seeking treatment after the dog incident, in early January.

 

I am doing better now....much better.

 

My wife says so, and I know so.

 

It seems my wife never really DEALT with the dog issue. My son always brings it up too. He asks where she is all the time.

 

Ugh. It's a nightmare...for everyone.

[lollipopspot]

Killing the dog would have been less traumatic than letting the dog loose. Because they don't know what happened. How much the dog suffered (there's no question she did), and if she's still suffering.

 

When people lose children, it is much harder for the child to be disappeared without knowing where the child is or if they're still alive, than to just know the child is dead.

 

Why do you just want to hurt animals, but not people?

[sadman37]

I have no idea why I do not want to hurt people.

 

I think my attitude toward animals comes from the abuse I endured, when I was a kid.

 

My wife told me that even if she believed me that I did not kill the dog it would not help her feel better, not even if she knew the dog was safe.

[Sparta]

Okay somebody understand when people hurt animals coward mother f***** Why don't you try that with man. you wouldn't want that because he would fight back you really need to psychotherapy. Can't stand people like you well I know I pre-much overreacted but I just don't understand I have no tolerance for that ****. You got more problems than you think. Well it all makes sense now she's pretty much through with you dude.

[sadman37]

She tells me that this "isn't over" and that she is not "done with me."

 

She would not tell me this if she didn't mean it. She is NOT the kind of woman to play mind games with me. If she were, she would not have told me about that young guy she met who got her all hot and bothered.

 

She HATED telling me this story, she balled her eyes out and felt terrible because she never thought in a million years this would happen because of how much she loves me, but she felt she had to, since it was the honest thing to do.

 

It just plain sucks.

 

She is in a fantasy land right now, and I hope she comes out of it and decides our marriage is worth saving.

[sadman37]

And you guys won't believe this, but it's true.

 

My wife was a 27 year old virgin, before our wedding night.

 

I KNOW this is true. Why?

 

She had to have surgery, in order that we could have sex. I know. I was there.

 

The doctor was amazed, by the way. She said, "Wow. You've been a good girl for a long time."

 

My wife is a damn good woman.

[heartshaped]

I grew up with a bipolar mother who was often unmedicated. It was traumatic and frightening to say the least.

 

Out of everything you've posted, that's what stands out the most to me. You are bipolar, an alcoholic, and abused animals. I don't think your wife is stringing you a long at all. I think any person with sense would feel the same. If I were in her shoes, I would've ended the marriage long ago.

 

I think right now in order for your marriage to work you have to just continue to work on yourself as an individual. Continue to seek help for your disorder(s), try to become more self aware, and just more stable.

[thefooloftheyear]

I grew up with a bipolar mother who was often unmedicated. It was traumatic and frightening to say the least.

 

Out of everything you've posted, that's what stands out the most to me. You are bipolar, an alcoholic, and abused animals. I don't think your wife is stringing you a long at all. I think any person with sense would feel the same. If I were in her shoes, I would've ended the marriage long ago.

 

I think right now in order for your marriage to work you have to just continue to work on yourself as an individual. Continue to seek help for your disorder(s), try to become more self aware, and just more stable.

 

 

Your whole statement is one big contradiction...

 

If she wasnt stringing him along, she would have left..If the animal abuse was such a sticking point, then she should have just had the balls to walk. Not go out looking for another dick....Is that the proper way to solve a problem in a marriage??

 

She/they should have either worked out the issues at hand, and moved forward...

 

And leys be real people...Are all of you that self-righteous that you live perfect lives?? People make mistakes and everyone should have the opportunity to make good on past misdeeds...The getting rid of the dog has nothing to do with this(not to say that its acceptable)...

 

She doesnt love him...She doesnt find him sexually attractive, and he is kidding himself if he thinks this will "grow"...

 

TFY

[revitup]

Wow, in light of the new information REV is all over the map now.

 

Brother,I shot a Pitt Bull in front of it's owner,I did this after the dog had killed several pet pigmy goats belonging to my daughter on the farm here.I have no remorse and the owner of the dog had intentionally let the dog out while away from his house.I had warned him earlier and he refused to believe "His" dog would ever have randomly killed little pet goats with collars on them...it did.

 

My problem-unlike yours,was the safety of my daughter.This dog would bite the little goats in the neck and they bled out in a couple minutes-it killed for sport and went into their fences to do it.When I saw my daughter crying and upset after witnessing this I had no choice.

 

You on the other hand have done something I could never do,harmed an INNOCENT animal.I really do not know how to process this.

 

Your story interests me because my BPD STBXWW later (when she wanted to dump the bank accounts and go wayward) claimed I was bi-polar!

 

You and your wife need to get some serious help individually before going too much further.I think there may be a side (hers) that could be very different than you are allowing us to see.

 

I hope you do get help and wish you success.

 

REVITUP

[Steadfast]

If she wasnt stringing him along, she would have left..If the animal abuse was such a sticking point, then she should have just had the balls to walk

 

This is a true statement. Sadman provided the cheater's 'dream justification' and being a cheater, she took it. She is not a 'good woman' sadman. Good women don't cheat. As for the rest, so what? Being faithful and honest isn't something we 'store up' in order to cheat and lie later.

 

My ex used that one too. "I was faithful for so long!" Translation: she was faithful for nothing. That same reality applies to your wife too sadman.

 

..Are all of you that self-righteous that you live perfect lives?? People make mistakes and everyone should have the opportunity to make good on past misdeeds

 

Disagree strongly. If being perfect was a requirement for giving good advice, then no one could say anything to help anyone. Personally, I believe we learn more from our mistakes than our accomplishments. Cheating (her) and abuse (him) are not mistakes; they're decisions. There is a huge difference between mistakes (done innocently) and decisions.

 

She doesnt love him...She doesnt find him sexually attractive, and he is kidding himself if he thinks this will "grow"

 

If the past and human nature is any indication, I'm inclined to agree.

 

There is no justification for cheating sadman. And while it is clear that you love your wife, the fact that you feel responsible for pushing her towards this proves you shouldn't me married to her. Her faithfulness cannot depend on your ability to be 'good enough' to prevent it. If it were, you could blame your heartless, drunken abuse of an innocent animal on her. IMO, these are two people who shouldn't be married to each other. Deal with your own issues sadman and leave her to hers. Move on. Start fresh.

[Misadventure]

Not sure what transpired but ANYONE who does animal abuse has a screw loose, no excuses.

[sadman37]

Well my wife didn't cheat on me.....not physically anyway. In her mind...yes.

 

She told me she felt trapped. In her feeling trapped, she wanted to "get out" and her sexual feelings opened up again when some guy at the mall was nice to her. She did not like this! She still does not like this!

 

I know her, you guys.

 

As far as the animal thing....I HATE it OK. I don't want to want to get angry at animals. I had done great for over 4 years, then something happened in my mind, and all this RAGE just grabbed ahold of me, and I got rid of the dog. I did not kill her. I DID BETTER. I had SOME control,

'

Those of you who do not struggle with this have no idea how powerful the rage is, how baffling, how terrible. YOu have no idea the remorse I feel and the guilt that haunts me. I am working on this.

 

She is telling me there is hope still. She needs to be away from me because she sees me and only sees the evil I have done.

 

She has to work this out in HER OWN MIND, somehow.

 

And yes she DOES love me. If she didn't love me, then she would have left my ass years ago. She would tell me if she didn't have any love for me...trust me.

 

I called her out on ALL the stuff I found on her phone. She came forward and told me she did, in fact, look up stuff that I surely wouldn't like to know about.

 

Either there is hope, or this is not hope. Time will tell.

 

She does not want a divorce. She told me this last night. She wants a fresh start. She wants to get to know each other all over again. In order for things to feel fresh, for her, she needs to be on her own right now, with our son.

 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. She WANTS to miss me, you guys. She HOPES this is what will happen.

 

Either she is lying, or she is not lying. I know my wife....and I am quite certain she is NOT lying.

 

Now could her feelings change later? Yes. She may meet Mr. Wonderful. She will have a tough time trusting another man, that is for sure.

 

NOBODY here KNOWS what is going to happen.

 

When she left me the first time, she was totally dead to me....totally. 6 months later, she texted me, "I miss you." She got her feelings back for me. I asked if this could happen again, and she said YES.

 

If she didn't think this, she would TELL me.

[sadman37]

And the first time she left me she told me there is ZERO HOPE for us.

 

If that can change, then this situation can change,

 

I AM working on myself, you guys. I am working hard. I am going to meetings, seeing a therapist, taking my medications, working out, finding new interests.

 

I am TRYING. And YES, I AM doing for ME. I do hope that the better ME becomes attractive to my wife again.

 

Where there is love, there is hope.

 

Life sucks UGH.

[sadman37]

I will keep you guys posted on any new developments.

[heartshaped]

Your whole statement is one big contradiction...

 

If she wasnt stringing him along, she would have left..If the animal abuse was such a sticking point, then she should have just had the balls to walk. Not go out looking for another dick....Is that the proper way to solve a problem in a marriage??

 

From what the OP has said, his wife has not physically cheated on him and hasn't went "looking" for anything. She's unhappy in her marriage for fairly obvious reasons and is forming attachments that she should not be. I believe she is very wrong in this aspect despite what he's done.

 

Also, just because she hasn't left doesn't mean she's stringing him along. Relationships are not necessarily black and white. It isn't always stay or go especially when you love the person.

 

 

And leys be real people...Are all of you that self-righteous that you live perfect lives?? People make mistakes and everyone should have the opportunity to make good on past misdeeds...The getting rid of the dog has nothing to do with this(not to say that its acceptable)...

 

She doesnt love him...She doesnt find him sexually attractive, and he is kidding himself if he thinks this will "grow"...

 

TFY

 

I'm not self-righteous at all, but I think animal abuse, alcoholism, and having bipolar disorder aren't exactly "mistakes". They are more or less character traits or flaws depending on how you look at it. Huge ones.

 

This may yet be reconcilable, but the OP needs to work on himself and understand that he is far from blameless in this whole mess.

[sadman37]

Thank you heartshaped, for your comments.

 

To start, I know I am not blameless. In fact, I admit that I AM to blame here. This is why I disclosed some of the terrible things about me.

 

Yes, my wife has her flaws, but when weighed against mine, it's like the difference between the Titanic and a canoe.

 

Correct, my wife has not cheated on me. She told me she needs to get OUT of the close contact with me, in order that she DOES NOT cheat on me. She does NOT WANT to cheat on me, even though she has had those thoughts. Her feeling "trapped" with me was what caused her to have thoughts of cheating, no matter the magnitude of these thoughts. In short, being around me was too much for her, since all she has seen this past year is the hurt I have caused her....AGAIN

 

 

She says that the only hope of us having a future together is that we ARE APART, for however long it will be, so she can get her mind where it needs to be, which is on me and our son, our family.

 

She is unsure that sexual feelings toward me will return. She just told me today, "I cannot lie, if Mr. Wonderful shows up and swoops me away, I will be tempted to continue seeing him or, at least, become friends with him."

 

She keeps telling me, "SHOW me...SHOW me...no more words...just ACTION." I am not sure what exactly she wants to see me change or how she will see these changes when we will not see each other very often at all.

 

She is honest with me, even though it hurts my feelings.

 

Believe me, if she were the kind of woman to go from man to man just for sex or whatever, she would have left a long long time ago.

 

She is a ONE MAN woman.

 

Hearthshaped, please help here:

 

I am thinking that the biggest thing I can SHOW her is to just chill out, right? I mean keep my contact with her very very limited and make her wonder what the heck I am doing, right? Make her feel her consequence of leaving and having to find work and a place to live, after not having worked for 5 years, right?

 

Plus, I AM working out at the gym. I AM reading. I AM meeting with my sponsor. I AM dressing very nicely. I AM taking my medications for my bi-polar disorder. I AM taking care of myself.

 

She has even told me that this may be too hard for her and that this would possibly change some of her feelings toward me.

Edited November 13, 2013 by sadman37

[sadman37]

She told me this separation is an "open book," and we will see what happens.

 

She truly does love me, but she just cannot handle being around me. She says when she looks in my eyes, all she can see is the evil inside of me. She has nightmares about the dog, and our son always brings the dog up and asks where she is.

 

Ugh. ****ing ugh man.

 

The dog issue really tore her heart out. I tore my own heart out by succumbing to that ****ing rage that pours out of me, from seemingly out of nowhere.

 

I ****ing hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I am trying not to hate myself.

[sadman37]

And a little more about me. This is personal **** OK.

 

Judge me all you want, but enduring abuse as a child has some kind of an unchangeable effect on people. It isn't bull****. It's real.

 

I do not know EXACTLY what happened in my mind, but something was forever altered, for me. I am working on this ****.

 

My father would suffocate me and torture me, as a child. He would smother me with pillows until I passed out or close. He would tell me he couldn't kill me because then he wouldn't be able to hurt me anymore, after I was dead. He told me he wanted to keep hurting me.

 

He would beat me, throw me across the wooden floor of the house. He would choke me. He would take me into the bathroom and make me eat my own ****. He would shove my head down into the toilet, and I thought I was going to drown. He beat me with sticks and belt buckles and he made me bleed.

 

My mother left when I was 4. She just ****ing vanished. She left me with my mentally ill father. Growing up sucked ass.

 

I wrote letters to God asking for Him to take me to Heaven. I prayed for death most nights.

 

I had a bad recurring nightmare, for 12 ****ing years. I wet my bed until I was 15. I couldn't sleep....ever. I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom. I was terrified.

 

Later as I grew, my Dad played mind games with me and would do weird ****. He burned the clothes my mother sent to me. He would lock me in a room in the trailer and starve me for weeks at a time. I know what it feels like to be hungry as ****. He would stare at me, with these evil eyes. He scared the **** out of me.

 

I had one pair of pants and shoes, and one shirt. Kids beat me up at school and made fun of me because of my clothes. I ****ing hated my life.

 

Now, I don't know what this kind of abuse does to a child, but it does SOMETHING, whether we like it or not.

 

I was forced to live in a house that belonged to one of my Dad's girlfriends, and there were lots of dogs there. I never slept. I could not sleep because my nightmares were so ****ing awful that I was afraid to sleep.

 

Anyhway, the dogs **** in my room and on my bed. I became angry at the dogs. I began locking the dogs in wooden boxes and would enjoy trapping them. I enjoyed making the dogs feel uncomfortable. I enjoyed hearing them whine and whimper. I wanted to kill the dogs, but I was afraid to kill them. I was afraid of getting caught.

 

As I grew older, I began torturing animals. I abused the **** out of my step mom's dog. She was a ****ing bitch, my step mom. I hated myself for doing bad things to that dog. I did not understand why I enjoyed hurting them. I think it was some kind of a powerful and therapeutic release, for me. The urge to hurt this dog was OVERPOWERING. I HATED it about myself. I contemplated suicide many times, to escape myself.

 

I was fine with my two dogs in New Mexico, for three years. I never harmed them in any way. I thought I was better. But I wasn't. Later, I killed cats and dogs, and I felt a HUGE relief from whatever it was inside of me. I didn't give a rat's ass about the animals when I was hurting them, but then I would feel ****ing terrible later. This is the honest truth.

 

I cannot explain it. This is my deep, dark secret, if you will. Now I have shared some things about myself on a public forum. Please feel free to judge me.

 

I wonder if anyone here has the balls to share with me some of the evil things they have done.

 

Anyway, something had long since changed inside my mind, and I am pretty sure it stems from my childhood.

 

It's not an excuse. I know what I have done is wrong. I only offer this information as sort of an explanation of WHY I have rage toward animals sometimes.

Edited November 13, 2013 by sadman37

[revitup]

Two things..

 

I am sorry for the trauma you went through as a kid, really no one should have to endure that. However too many people in this world blame bad beahviour for what happened them in the past. What you did was sick and disgusting, so stop making excuses for it. I don't care how much better u are doing people don't get 'cured' overnight. They don't get 'cured in days, weeks or months but YEARS.

 

There is no guarentee in future you won't do such things again, no matter how good you think you are doing.

 

Your wife is in the process of leaving you, accept you refuse to see this. The problem here is your denial to the situation. You keep focusing on "Why would she say this and why would she say that" if she was leaving. This is classic behaviour of a confused person on the way out the door. Leaving a marriage is not easy. For most people when they take those vows they take them seriously and believe marriage is a life long commitment. I would say your wife is one of those people.

 

However she realises you are are mentally ill and who knows if that will ever change. When people leave a marriage a lot of them will say reassuring things to their spouse before departure. Its part of the confusion. Some days they genuinely think they might stay, other days their gut instinct rules and they feel it's time to leave. Inevitably when a partner leaves, the dumpee keeps focusing on their past words. But he/she said this and he/she said that how can they leave! They are in a perpetual state of shock, because they thought their partner was different to the others. They simply cannot comprehend the thing they thought would never happen has actually happened.

 

You are focusing on the wrong words in your state of desperation. You need to focus on the fact she is no longer attracted to you and is attracted to someone else. She is only reassuring you because there is still confusion there, BUT the harsh reality is this marriage is almost certainly over. It's just a matter of when.

 

You need to stay in therapy for years in my opinion. I don't say this lightly, but I am REALLY concerned for animals WHEN your wife leaves...That is very sad to even think about...

 

I concur....

 

REVITUP