Wayward Wife I Need Suggestions

[KathyM]

Unfortunately, when a person has shown dealbreaker behaviors and love/feelings for that person is diminished gradually over time, it's hard to rekindle those feelings once a person has been emotionally separating for quite some time. All you can do is to continue your road of sobriety, continue to improve yourself physically/emotionally, develop passions/interests in life that make you a better person, and continue to be an involved father to your son. Keep conversations to her short but pleasant. Don't go cold or mean, or it will reinforce to her why she wanted to leave you in the first place. Sneak in little glimpses of what you are doing in life, to peak her interest, but without giving her too much detail. You need to build the attraction back and show that you have changed, but you do that by living a better life, working on yourself, and giving her glimpses of it that peak her interest (in other words, don't go begging and pleading: see what I've done, why won't you take me back now?) Brief, but friendly communications with her, but only when you need to communicate with her about your son or other business matters. Show her (through your actions) that you can manage just fine without her, as an independent adult who has his act together.

[Pretty.in.Pink]

Tough situation!

 

It's incredibly difficult to live with an alcoholic, especially one who flies into drunken rages and becomes violent toward helpless animals. The alcoholic is drunk, so largely unaware of just how traumatizing and disruptive his/her behavior is. For me, violent drunkeness and hurting animals or small children are absolute dealbreakers. While I view marriage as a forever commitment, these would be two of only a few reasons that would prompt me to leave. I understand why your wife wanted the temporary separation to re-evaluate. She's trying to figure out whether your marriage is salvageable.

 

Luckily for you, she still clearly cares about you and your well-being...even though (and completely understandable) she is no longer sexually attracted to you. She is still wearing her wedding rings, so at some level is still committed to your marriage.

 

Here's the challenge... Of course you are going to be on your best behavior right now! Is this a temporary or permanent change? Words are pretty meaningless. Time will tell, and consistent action will be key.

 

In the meanwhile, I would encourage you to see a marriage counselor together, preferably one who shares your faith and is happily married. I would also recommend pastoral counseling since your faith is important to both of you.

 

Best of luck!

[sadman37]

Why would she tell that guy that it looks like things will work out? Wouldn't she tell him something else, if she were trying to attract him?

 

I also told her I am trying to let her go, and she said, "No! What if I want to still be with you?"

 

She also says to do things that make me more attractive.

 

She always says she loves me.

 

She wishes me sweet dreams at night.

 

She says I still make her laugh.

 

And yes I truly am working on myself and taking care of myself. I am not just telling her stuff. She says she is happy for me and that she notices.

 

She also said she does not want a divorce. She said if we further the separation and she moves out into another place that she still wants us to part of each other's lives and that she would not be "counting me out."

 

If you guys knew her, you would KNOW that she is not going to jump into the sack with some guy.

 

It seems she is leaning toward getting back together.....probably not anytime soon, however, I have a feeling.

 

She is not the kind of woman to play games.

 

I have known her for more than 12 years. She still wears her wedding rings when she goes out. She told me she is not over me. She told me she is taking things day by day. She told me to show her ACTIONS to back up my words. I am trying to show her that I truly am working on myself.

 

She told me she is TRYING to be attracted to me again and admits her feelings toward this other guy are wrong, and she HATES having these feelings because she is married to me.

 

And I am doing good with not texting her. She always texts me by now, and she hasn't yet, and it is driving me nuts. I have not texted her today at all and always wait for her to text me first.

 

She also told me that after our dinner I can come back home and take things from there and that I would sleep on the couch.

 

She will have to uproot everything to make this work. Our son would be in day care, she would be even poorer than she is now, and she will have to find a job. She has been a stay at home Mom, since our son was born.

 

She told me that she is not sure she can uproot everything just to chase some "dream." She also told me that the hates the fact that she is happier, in some ways, that I am not there in our house with her. She DOES NOT want to feel this way.

Edited November 5, 2013 by sadman37

[thefooloftheyear]

Why would she tell that guy that it looks like things will work out?

 

I also told her I am trying to let her go, and she said, "No! What if I want to still be with you?"

 

She also says to do things that make me more attractive.

 

She always says she loves me.

 

She wishes me sweet dreams at night.

 

She says I still make her laugh.

 

It seems she is leaning toward getting back together.

 

She is not the kind of woman to play games.

 

I have known her for more than 12 years.

 

 

Ugh.,..

 

There are things that can never be "unsaid"....When someone says they arent sexually atttracted to another person...in almost 100% of cases, thats the end of it...you just cant "unsay" that type of stuff...

 

A friend of mine's wife blindsided him by telling him she wants a divorce...So he divorced her..Filed the papers the next day....They had no kids and few assets..The whole thing was done in a month...She wasnt pushing for a speedy timeframe, but his thinking is why in the HELL would I want to live one single day with someone who tells me they want to divorce me?...And I totally agree..They were married for 23 years and I am sure they had some problems..

 

There may be a million reasons that she is doing this...It seems "nice" but could easily have a very negative motive behind this..She may simply be trying to shift the blame to you...

 

Either way...Dont be her eager puppy dog...Because then you might really find out what animal cruelty is all about. Your story isnt unique..Go and take a look at the breakup section..There are all types of stories just like yours..Many women like to friendzone guys after they drop them on their heads..And foolish guys just let them do it...

 

You could be the exception here..But start looking out for yourself...She obviously has been looking out for herself...IME, you cant "try" to be attracted to someone...Once that ship sails...its gone..

 

I wont say any more about it..I wish you well

 

TFY

[sadman37]

Ugh.,..

 

There are things that can never be "unsaid"....When someone says they arent sexually atttracted to another person...in almost 100% of cases, thats the end of it...you just cant "unsay" that type of stuff...

 

A friend of mine's wife blindsided him by telling him she wants a divorce...So he divorced her..Filed the papers the next day....They had no kids and few assets..The whole thing was done in a month...She wasnt pushing for a speedy timeframe, but his thinking is why in the HELL would I want to live one single day with someone who tells me they want to divorce me?...And I totally agree..They were married for 23 years and I am sure they had some problems..

 

There may be a million reasons that she is doing this...It seems "nice" but could easily have a very negative motive behind this..She may simply be trying to shift the blame to you...

 

Either way...Dont be her eager puppy dog...Because then you might really find out what animal cruelty is all about. Your story isnt unique..Go and take a look at the breakup section..There are all types of stories just like yours..Many women like to friendzone guys after they drop them on their heads..And foolish guys just let them do it...

 

You could be the exception here..But start looking out for yourself...She obviously has been looking out for herself...IME, you cant "try" to be attracted to someone...Once that ship sails...its gone..

 

I wont say any more about it..I wish you well

 

TFY

 

THank you for your posts.

[Pretty.in.Pink]

I don't believe she's playing games. You shouldn't play games either. She seems committed to her marital vows. But you have to realize that your marriage is still in deep trouble...(and I'm really not trying to knock you while you're hurting but)...in large part because of your past behaviors.

 

Are you seeing a counselor? Couples therapy? Speaking to your pastor or priest? A new wardrobe is great, but your marital problems run far deeper. A change of clothes and a new haircut will not be sufficient here! What are you actually doing to prove that you've changed and that you are committed to making your marriage work for both of you?

[jphcbpa]

she is treating you like another child

 

is she in Al-Anon?

 

have you been to therapy together?

[Sunshinegrl]

Sadman,

 

unfortunately, everything she is saying to you at the moment is what my ex husband said to me in the months before he divorced me for another woman.

 

He was just stringing me along "in case he still wanted to be with me" and so I would continue paying the bills until he and the other woman got their affairs in order. He was "shifting blame" to me. Telling me everything I needed to change and what I did to cause the divorce.

 

It wasn't me. He just found someone else, and later told me that he had made a huge mistake. I had done nothing wrong and was an awesome wife.

 

Let me guess, you are still paying the bills aren't you?

[sadman37]

She does not want to see a counselor with me. She said she needs to work through this by herself.

 

She doesn't like talking to others about her problems.

 

The only one she talks to is ME

 

Again, why would she tell that guy that "my husband is living with his Mom and he is doing better and things look like they will work out."?

[sadman37]

Sadman,

 

unfortunately, everything she is saying to you at the moment is what my ex husband said to me in the months before he divorced me for another woman.

 

He was just stringing me along "in case he still wanted to be with me" and so I would continue paying the bills until he and the other woman got their affairs in order. He was "shifting blame" to me. Telling me everything I needed to change and what I did to cause the divorce.

 

It wasn't me. He just found someone else, and later told me that he had made a huge mistake. I had done nothing wrong and was an awesome wife.

 

Let me guess, you are still paying the bills aren't you?

 

we have only been separated for a little more than two weeks. I have been the only one working since we got back together in 08. She is not looking for a job yet. I would think that if she wanted to separate even further that she would be looking for a job.

 

She has told me many times that she is just "torn."

 

She rarely goes out, except to go food shopping. She is in the house all day and night, with our son.

Edited November 5, 2013 by sadman37

[sadman37]

I will let you all know what happens when it does.

 

I am terrified of our dinner date.

 

ugh

 

I love my wife with everything that I am.

[littlejaz]

I think you still have a chance to save your marriage. The only way to show her that you have changed is by your actions and that takes time, sometimes a lifetime. I doubt she is looking for any specific actions. She is just watching to see if your actions reflect your words. Unfortunately, time is the only thing that will heal her.

 

I think you need to show her that you can stand on your own two feet. That if you have to you can and will be fine without her. You cannot be too clingy or needy, that will turn her off.

 

I believe a little of the 180 would be good but don't go overboard. You want her to see that you have changed for you not for her, because she won't have any faith in you if she thinks you are doing it just for her. Also I would try to not talk about your relationship much. Don't keep asking her how she feels, again that is a real turn off.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[2sunny]

If she really loved you - she wouldn't be criticizing you AND trying to change you.

 

That is NOT love!

 

Start checking - she may be interested in and corresponding with someone else.

 

Love is a verb = action! Since she's trying to DO this on her own - that alone should tell you what HER problem is = HER!

 

Operating on your own - especially through difficult times - was NOT what agreed to when you got married.

[strive]

My take on this is that she still loves you very much but you've done things that hurt her and may possibly be dealbreakers for her. She's torn because her love for you is fighting with her need to love and protect herself/her heart.

 

I think you're doing well in making some changes. Love yourself, become a better person and maybe in time she can love you back again. But don't do it just to get her back. Do it for YOURSELF! Whether she comes back or not.

 

You'll find that people who know how to love and take care of themselves can attract love much easier.

 

Just my 2c.

[sadman37]

Thank you all. She is not criticizing me. She tells me I am doing great! She says it is HER! She is having an inner struggle. She is torn because she does love me and is not sexually attracted to me anymore.

 

I can understand where she is at. It's a tough place to be in. I hate it with a passion. Ugh.

 

I have not texted her all day today, and she has not texted me.

 

It drives me crazy.

[2sunny]

Like I said - see who it is she IS in love with and attracted to now.

 

She's interested in another man - check her phone bill and email.

[thefooloftheyear]

Thank you all. She is not criticizing me. She tells me I am doing great! She says it is HER! She is having an inner struggle. She is torn because she does love me and is not sexually attracted to me anymore.

 

I can understand where she is at. It's a tough place to be in. I hate it with a passion. Ugh.

 

I have not texted her all day today, and she has not texted me.

 

It drives me crazy.

 

Im amazed that some posters are trying to blame you for her behavior...I have my own theory, but Ill keep it under my hat..

 

Someone who loves you supports you through tough times, doesnt use it as a reason to turn away.

 

Someone who loves you isnt telling you she isnt sexually attracted to you..

 

I agee with 2sunny...as I have said earlier in the thread...She either has someone else or is working on it...And she is trying to let you down easy and relieve her guilt by filling your head with the "its not you , its me" crap...

 

Truth is, unless you want a penpal or buddy, when someone says they arent into you sexually....well...thats pretty much the end of the road as far as a wife/gf/SO.....

 

Get your ducks in a row.

 

TFY..

[revitup]

we have only been separated for a little more than two weeks. I have been the only one working since we got back together in 08. She is not looking for a job yet. I would think that if she wanted to separate even further that she would be looking for a job.

 

She has told me many times that she is just "torn."

 

She rarely goes out, except to go food shopping. She is in the house all day and night, with our son.

 

Sorry you're here,

 

Now,Wait a minute here, Back together in 08? Not looking for a job yet?

No to counselling?

 

Okay brother,I have a couple of questions for you.I am very sorry for your situation but I can tell you SOME of the others here are being way too nice ,in order to save you additional pain by telling you the way this is heading.It ain't good,I was right there too.Heard the same things and believed it all just like you.

 

So here goes some questions-You may have already answered these but I didn't see it.

 

How long were you separated back in 08' and what happened during the "separation" ? Was either of you testing the water with someone else?

 

Christians know that if a man lusts in his heart-he has sinned,so if your wife has made that move,has she been honest simply because she confessed?

 

What does rarely goes out mean? Where is she going out to when she rarely goes out?

 

I am not trying to bash your decision making process nor your faith,I am a Christian and was whacked by a wife who said the same things and who I also thought was the most HONEST and caring woman on earth.I was blind but now I see.This is the only reason I am writing- to help you see what you do not as of today.

 

It hurts brother but this woman is the cause of the hurt you are feeling.Would you do to her what she is doing to you?

 

She may come back and it may work out and it may be better and she may love you and she may be honest.

 

Then again she may be playing you and another man at the same time.I suspect there may be an emotional affair in her head right now.You are the only player in the game who is unaware of the rules.

 

Your wife has convinced you it's all your fault at the same time as saying "It's not you,it's just me" and "I just need space" .

 

This is how this works,she will always say exactly what she needs to say in order to control you,your Bible calls this Witchcraft.We call it manipulation.There is never a reason for a wife who really loves her husband or vice-versa to make you behave and dress like she wants as she is out looking for herself.

 

She has already done things that if you knew them,would hur tyou more than the known facts today.Her rationalizing is that by lying and deceiving you as to her real thoughts and misdeeds,she is somehow sparing you pain.She wants to never cause you pain,she is above causing you pain,so she is jus tlusting in her head about the other man or men.

 

What can you do? You can take back your God given man card and tell her this is never going to work for you!

 

You need to immediately shock the crap out of her or your marriage is over and done and you will be the balme-for not taking back your man card.

 

She is never going to love a man she doesn't respect and she does not respect the man who lives with his mother and keeps the man card hidden as she works the vitamin dude and others with "Flirty" stuff.

 

Shut down the communication lines and disappear...right after you tell her you have been seeing things differently as a result of her helping you to see that she is right...It is all her fault and then thank her for letting you explore the other fish out there.

 

I would even say "Being thrown back into the sea by you,hurt at first, but afterwards,I have realized there a lot of fish in there". Then, " I hope we both find ourselves and our true partners". "Thank you so much for admitting it was you and not me,it helps me to move on."

 

Brother, it is gonna get harsh no matter which way you go,just know that we all thought OUR partner WOULD NEVER do this or that and that they were the perfect mate and they were HONEST .We wouldn't have been with them if we didn't! We were wrong!

 

I will pray for you and you do the same for me but most importantly,pray for God's will and not yours to be done.

 

REVITUP

[sadman37]

Hey guys.

 

I read all of your replies. Thank you.

 

Well it's very tough, indeed.

 

When she goes out, she goes to Wal Mart, the organic store, and sometimes to the nutrition place.

 

She sometimes would go to the mall on Sundays, and I would stay home with our boy. She told me that about 5 months ago she began losing her attraction toward me. The dog issue really hurt her. I mean...it KILLED her...it took something from inside her and just stomped on it. I had already killed two of our other dogs when I was a drunk bastard...over 5 years ago.

 

She has admitted to me that she had lustful feelings toward some guy at the mall. This was hard to hear, especially from her, that she has been driven this far away from me.

 

She does not go "out" if you know what I mean. She would never "pawn off" our boy just so she could go out to a bar or wherever. Trust me on this.

 

I am bi-polar, and she has put up with my untreated disorder, all the way up to January of this year. This has been a tough road for both of us. She tells me I am doing great and that she wants to see me keep doing great, and she tells me she just needs to have peace and quiet and her own place in the world.

 

She goes from wanting a divorce to "finalize" things in her mind, to not wanting a divorce. She goes back and forth back and forth. Ugh it's driving me insane. I am just there for her...to help her through in any way I can. I love her.

 

She told me she would like a fresh start and would like to get to know each other again, like from the beginning when we first met. She says she thinks there is a great chance for us to work out and to start fresh. She says she needs a "finalization" right now, in order to move past all the pain in our marriage. Tonight, her definition of that "finalization" was that we separate into our own places and I will meet up with her and our son and spend time together.

 

My wife IS a good woman, as good as they come. She is hurting really bad right now because she DOES love me but is struggling with the fact that she does not have the sexual feelings toward me.

 

She is TRYING to get these feelings back. The only way this can happen is if I stand on my own two feet and be a man and just be confident, consistent, and strong.

 

If we do not work out, then by the time this is 100% certain, I will be more ready to accept it. I hope for the best here but also prepare for the worst.

 

She admits to me that being on her own will suck, she will miss all the little things I do/did for her, she will miss our home, she will miss the good times we have had together, and she will hate putting our son in daycare, so she can work. She also said that maybe she will come to her senses when she is out there in "the real world" and that she may want me back then. If this would bring us back together, then, at least, I would have a chance to actually SHOW her the positive changes that are taking place in my life....my new adventure.

 

If not, she will see the better me when we meet so I can see our son. Worst case scenario here is a non-hostile, fairly easy divorce, as far as splitting assets and all that crap goes. Neither of us have anything anyway.

 

During our first separation, she had a thing for this guy she worked with. She did not sleep with him but came close. She came to her good senses and left the situation. How do I know this? Well....I read her journal. It presented itself before me when I was moving stuff out of storage. I could not resist. Every day we were separated, she wrote in that journal. So, that's 180 days. I read it front to back...every word. She DID NOT sleep with that guy.

 

Back then, she was TOTALLY dead to me...I mean TOTALLY....up until the time she texted me out of nowhere and said she missed me. This took 6 months, and she was DEAD to me for most of that time.

 

So, if she can miss me back then, suddenly, then it can happen again. She lost her sexual attraction to me before THAT split, and she got it back again. Therefore, she COULD get it back again. I mean, this is just logic I guess.

 

I know she dreams of some younger guy....but, as a man, I know how these kind of dreams\fantasies can fade. I have fantasized about other women....not lately...but when things became "routine." These fantasies faded, and I came to my senses. Either this will happen with her, or it will not. Time will tell.

 

I HATE time. It drags on and on and on, especially nowadays. Several nights ago, she was balling over the phone saying, "Please don't leave Casper...please stay here for me and Channing." It messes with my head, but oh well. I'll hang on to hope, until there is no hope left. She is the ONLY woman I have ever loved. This is true.

 

Right now, all I can do is wait.

Edited November 10, 2013 by sadman37

[2sunny]

Placating and begging her to love you will not make her love you more.

 

Start looking at it realistically... She isn't INVESTING in you/the M.

 

That's what makes me think she may begin making effort if you have her leave...having her stay hasn't helped the M - so have her leave.

 

Why is she still going to that store?

 

You are acting like her doormat - no woman respects a doormat.

 

Stand on your own for a long while - and make her get a job and figure out how to support herself. Maybe then she may get a bit more grateful to "have feelings" for you.

[sadman37]

OH and there are no odd texts or phone calls and no online profiles out there, regarding her.

 

I check the phone usage online and check the dating profiles and such.

[sadman37]

If she really loved you - she wouldn't be criticizing you AND trying to change you.

 

That is NOT love!

 

Start checking - she may be interested in and corresponding with someone else.

 

Love is a verb = action! Since she's trying to DO this on her own - that alone should tell you what HER problem is = HER!

 

Operating on your own - especially through difficult times - was NOT what agreed to when you got married.

 

She is not criticizing me and is not trying to change me. She is simply telling me the truth about how my actions have slowly torn her heart out, over the years. I was doing good with our dog for four frickin' years, then I suddenly got pissed at the dog and took the dog away and left her far away from our home. I do not understand why I have this problem...it could be the terrible abuse I endured, as a child.

 

Anyway, she also realizes that she CANNOT change me. I must change myself. She just wants to see me change myself and be a happy, healthy man and not all bi-polar and up and down and up and down and unpredictable. She says I am doing great now, but it's too late, for now, for her to have those feelings for me (sexual kind). Like I said, she has lost these feelings for me before and then got them back months later, when we had ZERO contact of any kind. Ugh that was a tough time.

 

My wife could not believe this happened, after I was doing well for so long. It ripped her heart out. She still thinks I killed the dog. I cannot convince her otherwise.

[lollipopspot]

I was doing good with our dog for four frickin' years, then I suddenly got pissed at the dog and took the dog away and left her far away from our home...She still thinks I killed the dog. I cannot convince her otherwise.

 

So the dog never got found? Did you leave the dog in a residential area?

[sadman37]

And yes she tells me all the time that she is a heartbroken mess, and that it is, in fact, HER!!!

 

She is trying to get on a path that is not as frightening as the path she has been on with me.

[sadman37]

So the dog never got found? Did you leave the dog in a residential area?

 

I left the dog in a residential area....yes. It was a bad area of Casper. It's called "felony flats." Nobody returned the dog to us. My guess is that someone sold her for drugs.

 

I WANTED to kill the damn dog....but I didn't. I was freaked out that I had those feelings again. I don't know where they come from....they just COME.