Wayward Wife I Need Suggestions

[sadman37]

My wife and I have been married 11 years.

She recently admitted she has no sexual attraction toward me because of past hurts I inflicted (alcoholism and some violent acts toward our pets because of my alcoholism).

 

She says I am doing great now, which I am doing much better.

 

She says it is "just her" and she needs space and time to think and figure things out.

 

We are separated currently.

 

She is very honest and the best most moral woman in the world. She admitted that she met a guy briefly and felt all sorts of attracted to him

 

She tells me "don't worry babe...I'm just trying to figure out my thoughts." She says she is in a "weird place." Before, se has told me that she wasn't sure we could be "together" and her remain faithful. Ugh

 

She texts me every day, and I go home some days to tuck our son in. I hug her and tell her I love her when I am there. She asks me what food I want her to buy for me, so I can take to my mother's house where I am staying. She tells me things I can do to make myself "attractive," and I am doing them all. She said she smiled when she saw me in my brand new outfits and says I am doing great.

 

We sometimes talk on the phone. She told me we will go to dinner two Fridays from now and she will let me know "her decision."

 

She said I can come home, after this dinner, and that she would just have me sleep on the couch.

 

I am so heartbroken. Ugh.

 

She tells me even if we move to different places that she wants us to be a part of each other's lives and that this would not necessarily mean a divorce.

 

She tells me she loves me every day. She calls me by my nicknames and calls me "babe" and stuff still. I still make her laugh, and she tells me this.

 

What are the BEST things I should do and should NOT do, to have a chance to make her attracted to me again and want to be with me?

 

Thanks to anyone who can help here.

Edited November 5, 2013 by sadman37

[lollipopspot]

She recently admitted she has no sexual attraction toward me because of past hurts I inflicted (alcoholism and some violent acts toward animals).

...

What are the BEST things I should do and should NOT do, to have a chance to make her attracted to me again and want to be with me?

 

I can only speak for myself, but you hit on one of the few deal-breakers for me. Violence towards animals. That would kill any attraction that I had for someone, period. I consider that extreme bullying and cruel behavior to hurt an animal.

 

If someone wanted to turn that around for me, it is possible, but they would have to really show me with their actions that they had changed and they were very remorseful.

 

I almost don't like to say this because I wouldn't want you to just go through the motions and pretend you changed, when you really didn't. You'd really need to change your value system and consciousness that allowed you to do it in the first place.

 

Watch Earthlings (free):

Earthlings // Feature | Earthlings.com

Then volunteer to help these creatures. And go vegan (because why is a pig's suffering less important than a dog's?). If I see you consistently, in your words and behavior, helping and standing up for animals, then I will come around. If you become a hero instead of a perpetrator, it's possible.

Edited November 5, 2013 by lollipopspot

[sadman37]

The thing is that my wife says I am doing everything right nowadays and that it is "just her."

 

I constantly share how remorseful I am, and I have been sober for over 5 years.

 

She says there is nothing I can do...."it's just me," she says.

[lollipopspot]

That may be true.

 

OR it may be that you haven't sufficiently shown her all you are capable of being. You may not have developed yourself well enough yet for her to feel attracted to you again.

 

I don't know they key for her. But if she's like me, then if someone shows me their compassionate and courageous side consistently - I'm speaking in terms of the animal issue - then they can turn from "meh" into someone I'm attracted to.

 

It may just be me though. I'm saying what could turn me around from losing attraction big-time to being interested again.

[sadman37]

If I volunteered at an animal shelter, it would freak her out. she would think I would want to hurt those animals.

 

I used to have a problem with this, but I am better now, with lots of hard work. I was terribly abused as a child, and my wife knows this.

 

Anyway, if she says there is nothing I can do, then can I still do ANYTHING to make her attracted to me again?

 

I have dressed nicely (she complained about my dress for years). I am calm and attentive toward her. She still holds my hand. She still wears her wedding rings.

 

I am confused, and I am dreading the "dinner date."

 

She did tell me the other day that she want to see "actions." Not sure what actions to take. Why would she say this if she says there is nothing I can do?

[sadman37]

She says she does not want me to be with another woman during this separation.

 

So that's a good thing.

[thecharade]

But you called her a wayward wife, so is she seeing someone else?

[thefooloftheyear]

If I volunteered at an animal shelter, it would freak her out. she would think I would want to hurt those animals.

 

I used to have a problem with this, but I am better now, with lots of hard work. I was terribly abused as a child, and my wife knows this.

 

Anyway, if she says there is nothing I can do, then can I still do ANYTHING to make her attracted to me again?

 

I have dressed nicely (she complained about my dress for years). I am calm and attentive toward her. She still holds my hand. She still wears her wedding rings.

 

I am confused, and I am dreading the "dinner date."

 

She did tell me the other day that she want to see "actions." Not sure what actions to take. Why would she say this if she says there is nothing I can do?

 

 

Forget about the animal abuse...Thats not the issue here, bro...

 

She used the two lamest lines in the world.."its not you, its me" and "I need space"....

 

Shes dicking you around..She doesnt love you anymore , but doesnt have the balls to just flat out tell you that..So she'd rather lead you around like a stupid lost puppy..

 

Dont you see? You are letting her call all the shots...You are making HER life easy until she finds another dick,( she probably has already)...Do yourself a favor..Just tell her to go the fck away and only limit contact to what involves your kid...I know it hurts, but she is only looking out for herself and doesnt give a shyt about you....You need to look out for YOUR self....

 

TFY

Edited November 5, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[theothersully]

Assuming she had good intentions, I think you must need to stay the course and show your compassionate side at any time you naturally can. Shoe her you care about her and your kids and their comfort over your own, if you can. Other than that, stay the course. Make sure you look and smell good at that dinner too.

 

Don't volunteer at an animal shelter because it makes it look like you are faking it or over correcting. Just be cute playinf with an animal if it comes up.

 

Now... i have a comment on if dogs are more important than pigs - a little ot. I say not. All animals are equals and should all be on the menu.

[Speakingofwhich]

Continue to dress nice, treat her well and go home to tuck in your son. But, begin to pull away from her in ways, be more independent.

 

When you visit your son, always be well groomed but leave the house right after you tuck him in, don't hang around to talk with her. Be a gentleman, just excuse yourself before you normally would as you have "things to do." Make yourself a little more scarce with her.

 

Don't let her buy food to take to your mom's. If she asks what food she should buy, just tell her "thanks, but, don't worry about it, I've got it covered," or "I'll grab something to eat after work, don't worry about it."

 

Find other ways to distance yourself from her, while still being cordial with her.

 

Take up a new interest or new hobby or hobbies. Don't be eager share all about the new interests and hobbies with her beyond just casually letting it be known you are doing these things.

 

Plan things to do with your son that are different than what she's used to you doing with him and forget to invite her along.

 

Do things with guy friends. Meet new people. Start going to the gym, running, or whatever, if you don't do those things now.

 

Not sure if she's told you what clothes to buy or not but if there is someone else in your life (sister or relative, no one you'd get attracted to) who could steer you in the direction of other nice clothes that are a bit different than what your wife suggests, I'd try that out.

 

You don't want to be her project or her "little boy" she buys food for and takes care of.

 

If you begin to pull away from her a little bit (independence) she'll notice and wonder why.

 

Schedule some things you're interested in that you've never taken time for.

 

Start reading some interesting books. The Bible would be a great one to start with. Pray.

[Speakingofwhich]

There's great book that's been around a long time called, "Love Must Be Tough," by James Dobson.

 

It explains male/female relationship dynamics clearly and I think it would really help you. It addresses the issue(s) you are having with your W.

 

You probably could find a used copy online to buy if finances are an issue.

[sadman37]

But you called her a wayward wife, so is she seeing someone else?

 

By wayward I just mean she is not with me right now. I mean...she has lost that connection with me that she once had and is therefore not sexually attracted to me, either.

 

She has admitted this. She has also admitted that she was unnerved when she had a conversation with a guy and felt very attracted to him. You see, she is a VERY faithful woman and she never thought in a million years she would be open to feeling these things for another man.

 

The truth sucks, but she has been honest with me.

 

Weird story here: I figured out who the guy is (I am almost certain this is the guy). He works at a supplement store here in town. My wife goes there about every Monday to get some stuff.

 

Now, I went to that store yesterday after I knew she had just been there. The guy there could tell I was very agitated. Long story short, he and I had coffee together, and he told me he asked how she and I were doing (he knew she and I are married because we went into the store about a year ago together). He very much respected how much love I showed for my wife, and he never forgot us.

 

My wife mentioned to him that she saw him and his girlfriend at Starbucks. He told me my wife puts out a flirty vibe when she is in the store with him. After she told him she saw him and his girlfriend at Starbucks, he asked her "How are you and our husband doing?" She replied, "My husband is living at his mother's house, and he is doing really good, and I think things will probably work out. I don't really want to talk about it." He also said she was wearing her wedding rings.

 

Anyway, this was encouraging! Right?

 

She tells me she really doesn't know anything yet. She is trying to get her head straight and figure out her thoughts. She REALLY is.

[sadman37]

Continue to dress nice, treat her well and go home to tuck in your son. But, begin to pull away from her in ways, be more independent.

 

When you visit your son, always be well groomed but leave the house right after you tuck him in, don't hang around to talk with her. Be a gentleman, just excuse yourself before you normally would as you have "things to do." Make yourself a little more scarce with her.

 

Don't let her buy food to take to your mom's. If she asks what food she should buy, just tell her "thanks, but, don't worry about it, I've got it covered," or "I'll grab something to eat after work, don't worry about it."

 

Find other ways to distance yourself from her, while still being cordial with her.

 

Take up a new interest or new hobby or hobbies. Don't be eager share all about the new interests and hobbies with her beyond just casually letting it be known you are doing these things.

 

Plan things to do with your son that are different than what she's used to you doing with him and forget to invite her along.

 

Do things with guy friends. Meet new people. Start going to the gym, running, or whatever, if you don't do those things now.

 

Not sure if she's told you what clothes to buy or not but if there is someone else in your life (sister or relative, no one you'd get attracted to) who could steer you in the direction of other nice clothes that are a bit different than what your wife suggests, I'd try that out.

 

You don't want to be her project or her "little boy" she buys food for and takes care of.

 

If you begin to pull away from her a little bit (independence) she'll notice and wonder why.

 

Schedule some things you're interested in that you've never taken time for.

 

Start reading some interesting books. The Bible would be a great one to start with. Pray.

 

Thank you for this advice. We are both Christians. She tells me she HATES having the feelings she is having.

 

The food thing messes with my head. Is she testing me to see if I will "not be her little boy and instead be a man?"

 

I have been working out and going to meetings and dressing very nicely.

 

I wait for her to text me before I text her. Well, I've been doing this for about 4 days now, anyway.

 

We agreed to see each other only at church, since this past Friday. She invited me over after church, since she and our son were not there on Sunday. Also, our "agreement" was broken on Saturday. She had me come over and have pizza and spend time with our son, and she and I chatted and stuff. It was nice.

 

I just wish I knew what she was thinking.

[Sunshinegrl]

I agree with fool of the year.

 

Dude, she is keeping you around as the fallback guy. Keeping you in waiting and in limbo while she has her chance to sow some more oats. All of these "problems" you have are just her way of rationalizing her own selfishness and making her feel decent about her own behavior.

 

This is a good woman gone selfish. You will never win her "respect" or "attraction" back by being her p*ssy. Man up and rid yourself of this woman. Move on.

[sadman37]

Well I'm not giving up on my marriage.

 

She is honest with me, and she is not the "string my husband along kind of woman."

[Cali408]

If you want her back, have limited contact. Give her space to miss you. Answering her texts, talking to her on the phone don't provide that. The only contact you should have is in regard to your children.

 

Other than that nothing. It's a long shot however.

 

I would be getting my ducks in a row from a legal and financial standpoint.

[thefooloftheyear]

Well I'm not giving up on my marriage.

 

She is honest with me, and she is not the "string my husband along kind of woman."

 

 

Look....Im trying to talk to you man to man.....

 

First off....You can say you arent giving up on a marriage isnt a valid statement. You can say things like I am not going to give up on getting a promotion or bench pressing 300 lbs..But a marriage requires two participants..You can want all you want, but if she is checked out..thats that ....And from what you posted....She HAS checked out on you, she just isnt mean enough(or has a guilty conscience) so she is playing games with you..And that just sucks..

 

She said she isnt sexually attracted to you(among other things)...She used some excuse to give you a reason...She doesnt want to tell you the real reason, because she doesnt want to be the villian....So she shifts blame to you...DO you see whats happening here?

 

Man up.,..This isnt going to go the way you think-if what I am reading is correct...I wish you all the best...

 

TFY

[Goodbye]

Work on yourself and your recovery. Focus on being a good dad, and not so much the marriage. Many marriages do not survive addiction...this is the sad truth. But, in recovery you can rebuild yourself and have better, more authentic relationships. As a woman in recovery, I know this. Let your recovery be your number one priority.

[Got it]

Look....Im trying to talk to you man to man.....

 

First off....You can say you arent giving up on a marriage isnt a valid statement. You can say things like I am not going to give up on getting a promotion or bench pressing 300 lbs..But a marriage requires two participants..You can want all you want, but if she is checked out..thats that ....And from what you posted....She HAS checked out on you, she just isnt mean enough(or has a guilty conscience) so she is playing games with you..And that just sucks..

 

She said she isnt sexually attracted to you(among other things)...She used some excuse to give you a reason...She doesnt want to tell you the real reason, because she doesnt want to be the villian....So she shifts blame to you...DO you see whats happening here?

 

Man up.,..This isnt going to go the way you think-if what I am reading is correct...I wish you all the best...

 

TFY

 

I disagree. Those could be her reasons. Dealing with an alcoholic and an animal abuser could be all the issues right there. And the statement that "she would freak out" if he was volunteering in a shelter tells me that there has been little time that has a lapsed since the last incident.

 

She wants actions. No amount of nice clothing is going to change things. Get therapy, get into AA, become a better person, do this for at least a YEAR, and then circle back around with her.

 

She may have some lingering feelings for you and she is trying to hold on to you but not be fully involved and that isn't fair. So you can say no, I want all or nothing, and move forward from there. But YOU need to become a better person because you want to be one.

 

And animal abuse would be the biggest, fastest shut down on any emotions or respect I would have for someone else. You hurt an animal, especially one of mine, I would despise you forget about any loving feelings. That's not a man, that's a cowardly bully.

[blue963]

Personally, I dont think a woman would wear a wedding ring if they still didnt love you. Keep trying to be consistent, be patient, all of this did not occur over night and it will not go away at night. She, essentially needs to fall back in love with you. Just continue to be there in any way that she or your son needs. Eventually, it will all work out wen she sees that your words match your action.

[Owl]

I've got an alternative suggestion. Some call it "the 180".

 

Instead of pursuing her...take a step back. Stop chasing after her, stop trying to demonstrate your love for her.

 

Instead...give her polite but cool responses. Stop trying to organize time together, and instead, leave it to her to do. Or...fill your time doing something else.

 

Let her see that you'll be ok without her.

 

Here's the thing. First, a woman cannot be in love with a man that she can't respect. She can't respect a man that she can treat like a doormat. She can't respect a man who is desperate to keep her in his life.

 

Secondly, if you step back, she'll (probably) sense that distance, and try to close the gap. She'll come to you, instead of you going to her.

 

Give it a shot...I doubt it would make matters worse.

[thefooloftheyear]

I disagree. Those could be her reasons. Dealing with an alcoholic and an animal abuser could be all the issues right there. And the statement that "she would freak out" if he was volunteering in a shelter tells me that there has been little time that has a lapsed since the last incident.

 

She wants actions. No amount of nice clothing is going to change things. Get therapy, get into AA, become a better person, do this for at least a YEAR, and then circle back around with her.

 

She may have some lingering feelings for you and she is trying to hold on to you but not be fully involved and that isn't fair. So you can say no, I want all or nothing, and move forward from there. But YOU need to become a better person because you want to be one.

 

And animal abuse would be the biggest, fastest shut down on any emotions or respect I would have for someone else. You hurt an animal, especially one of mine, I would despise you forget about any loving feelings. That's not a man, that's a cowardly bully.

 

I hear what you are saying.....but let me tell you something-from personal experience....

 

I do a job training gig in the prison system...I am there frequently...There are women(wives, gf, whatever) failthfully visiting and supporting rapists, murderers, armed robbers, etc...These people write letters to parole boards, visit regularly..Hysterically cry when they have to leave...etc..

 

So this guy has no chance because of some drunken animal abuse??

 

And if what you are saying is true, she would have just left, not dangle thoughts of other men or tell him she isnt sexually attracted to him...She would just plain be angry about it...

 

Im not minimising animal abuse, but someone who is really devoted to another isnt going to let that be an issue..especially if they are contrite, which this guy obviously is...

 

TFY

[anne1707]

I do a job training gig in the prison system...I am there frequently...There

are women(wives, gf, whatever) failthfully visiting and supporting rapists, murderers, armed robbers, etc...These people write letters to parole boards, visit regularly..Hysterically cry when they have to leave...etc..

 

In all fairness, there would also be many women who would not tolerate such extreme behaviours and would end the relationship.

 

So this guy has no chance because of some drunken animal abuse??

 

The OP actually described it as "violent acts" towards their pets which sounds like pretty extreme abuse to me. I know if my husband deliberately hurt any animal let alone one of our cats then I would have serious issues with it. If it was repeated violence, then that may mean the end of the marriage. A lot of people would feel the same.

 

And if what you are saying is true, she would have just left, not dangle thoughts of other men or tell him she isnt sexually attracted to him...She would just plain be angry about it...

 

She has told the OP of an attraction which she has not acted on. It is unfortunate that the OP described her as "wayward" because I think it has caused some posters to jump to conclusions. As for loss of sexual attraction, the OP is an alcoholic. That is a surefire way of losing sexual appeal.

 

Im not minimising animal abuse, but someone who is really devoted to another isnt going to let that be an issue..especially if they are contrite, which this guy obviously is...

 

Which is why Got It is recommending the OP that he has therapy for his problems. Saying sorry is not enough for what he has done. He needs to prove that he has changed.

[AlwaysGrowing]

In my opinion, whenever we use change to seek an outcome that is dependent on another, it never sticks.

 

Stop focusing on your marriage. Stop focusing on your wife.

 

You need to embrace change for yourself regardless of the outcome of your marriage.

 

If your marriage is your motivator, what happens if it ends? Do you stop working on yourself? What if your wife never finds you attractive? Are you going to just roll over and stop living?

 

Embrace change so that you become a better you, regardless if your wife ever finds you attractive again. Be attractive for yourself. Reap the rewards of all the positive change that you are making, don't let another minimize it.

[2sunny]

Well I'm not giving up on my marriage.

 

She is honest with me, and she is not the "string my husband along kind of woman."

 

But she IS stringing you along, right? So she IS THAT kind of woman!

 

Stop handing HER all YOUR power!

 

 

It's not up to HER to tell you how to dress - what to do and what not to do!

 

You've been recovered 5 years - act like it! Respect YOURSELF - honor yourself and stop making HER your higher power!

 

Practice being a MAN - not HER doormat!

 

She's thinking about it because she wants the OTHER guy! But she still wants you to provide HER all the things she wants/needs. That's called USING another person!

 

She wants to work it out? No more going to that store to see the dude she flirts with!

 

Start laying down some ground rules! Get a healthy boundary and allow her to understand what's expected from her!

 

Stay on path - continue not drinking and work on the anger issues.

 

More than that - get busy living! Go find hobbies and interests so you have other things to be interested in - besides her!