Eternal Sunshine Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I have noticed this pattern over and over again. Say I date someone for a while and I go for a job interview and fear that I failed. I confide in a guy and he kind of goes through the motions of being supportive but I can sense him distancing and being somewhat turned off... Or say I get a flu and tell him I feel like cr-p. Same thing. I only really had success when I am acting strong and confident all the time and hide any vulnerabilities. But that's fake and exhausting I don't get it. I am happy to support a guy and it makes me feel closer to him when he tells me something like that. Maybe men are just wired differently.
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I've always been strong & confident, maybe even too c0cky. It has been my experience that men are more turned off by that & want somebody who is weaker, more vulnerable (than I am) and who they can take care of. If I wasn't happily married, I would suggest we fix each other up. 4
heartshaped Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I used to have this problem. I found it was because I had a tendency to portray myself as superwoman. Maybe not on purpose, but I tend to internalize things and act way more confident than I feel so I would attract men who were attracted to that type of personality even though that's not necessarily who I am. Being way more selective with who I date and being a little more vulnerable in the beginning went a long way. 2
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 I've always been strong & confident, maybe even too c0cky. It has been my experience that men are more turned off by that & want somebody who is weaker, more vulnerable (than I am) and who they can take care of. If I wasn't happily married, I would suggest we fix each other up. Ha I wish. I just want a kind man that will be sweet to me. Why is that so hard to find? 2
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 I used to have this problem. I found it was because I had a tendency to portray myself as superwoman. Maybe not on purpose, but I tend to internalize things and act way more confident than I feel so I would attract men who were attracted to that type of personality even though that's not necessarily who I am. Being way more selective with who I date and being a little more vulnerable in the beginning went a long way. This is interesting. Yes, I tend to portray myself as super strong in the beginning but it's really just a mask :/
RedRobin Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Many men are socialized to want to try and 'fix' it... and if it's not something they can 'fix', they are at a bit of a loss. 2
gaius Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 It almost seems like you're taking on the traditional strong male role, attracting men who are attracted to masculine attributes then disappointing them when you start getting feminine. I love a little vulnerability from my women, I just don't like when they take my crap.
Art_Critic Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Or say I get a flu and tell him I feel like cr-p. Same thing. I always stay far away from my wife if she has the flu IMO... it isn't that they are sensing weakness but something along the lines of drama or perceived drama, I think the last thing a guy wants is to be a GF.. that is what a woman's GF's are for... 1
f1asr88 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I have noticed this pattern over and over again. Say I date someone for a while and I go for a job interview and fear that I failed. I confide in a guy and he kind of goes through the motions of being supportive but I can sense him distancing and being somewhat turned off... Or say I get a flu and tell him I feel like cr-p. Same thing. I only really had success when I am acting strong and confident all the time and hide any vulnerabilities. But that's fake and exhausting I don't get it. I am happy to support a guy and it makes me feel closer to him when he tells me something like that. Maybe men are just wired differently. I'm not like that! Maybe other men do feel differently, I don't know, but when I was with my girlfriend, I liked to reassure her, care for her, and make her feel happier and better about herself if she was ever in need of it. Maybe you're with the wrong kind of guys, and they are acting like that because they think sex is off the cards if you're not at your chirpiest? If you can't be yourself with a guy, then you're with the wrong one. 2
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 I'm not like that! Maybe other men do feel differently, I don't know, but when I was with my girlfriend, I liked to reassure her, care for her, and make her feel happier and better about herself if she was ever in need of it. Maybe you're with the wrong kind of guys, and they are acting like that because they think sex is off the cards if you're not at your chirpiest? If you can't be yourself with a guy, then you're with the wrong one. Aw you sound wonderful. I wish they could clone you I somehow always come across cold, uncaring types.
lindsay1990 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I used to have this problem. I found it was because I had a tendency to portray myself as superwoman. Maybe not on purpose, but I tend to internalize things and act way more confident than I feel so I would attract men who were attracted to that type of personality even though that's not necessarily who I am. Being way more selective with who I date and being a little more vulnerable in the beginning went a long way. This is eye-opening on some many levels to me. I read it and I was like "DUH! That was it". Seriously, if you play a part in any... little... way, even if it's being tougher or more detached than you actually are, you will be held to that standard you created for yourself. Can't believe I didn't catch that before in myself despite the previous three-months of introspection...
lino Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 (edited) I've never seen this, in fact it's the opposite way round. Edited November 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 This is eye-opening on some many levels to me. I read it and I was like "DUH! That was it". Seriously, if you play a part in any... little... way, even if it's being tougher or more detached than you actually are, you will be held to that standard you created for yourself. Can't believe I didn't catch that before in myself despite the previous three-months of introspection... I agree - that was a great insight. I guess I would like to be tougher and more detached. So I try to come across that way, but because it's not real - it can only go on for short term.
Clockwork Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 You know, you are just with the wrong men. A real man loves the fact that his woman needs him. We love to feel like the protector and if there is anything that turns me OFF, it is a partner who acts as if she would be just fine without me. 1
crederer Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 In my opinion there are really only two reasons for this. 1. The guys you are attracted to are very selfish and don't care about you other than how you effect them. 2. You complain and carry on a lot more than you realize. I don't mean for either of those reasons to be offensive, just saying those are a couple of things to thouroughly think about.
soccerrprp Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I have noticed this pattern over and over again. Say I date someone for a while and I go for a job interview and fear that I failed. I confide in a guy and he kind of goes through the motions of being supportive but I can sense him distancing and being somewhat turned off... Or say I get a flu and tell him I feel like cr-p. Same thing. I only really had success when I am acting strong and confident all the time and hide any vulnerabilities. But that's fake and exhausting I don't get it. I am happy to support a guy and it makes me feel closer to him when he tells me something like that. Maybe men are just wired differently. Meeting the wrong guys. 1
RedRobin Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 (edited) It almost seems like you're taking on the traditional strong male role, attracting men who are attracted to masculine attributes then disappointing them when you start getting feminine. I love a little vulnerability from my women, I just don't like when they take my crap. That would be me. The guys are practically begging to do shyte for me, but I always turn it down until I know what strings are attached. My new guy wanted to cook dinner for me. We had to flip a coin over who was going to cook dinner. He won That's ok. I brought my homemade apple butter and fine *ss. That made it even-steven. lol ...but enough about me... ya know, ES... I find when I don't ask a guy for help, that is when they offer. Not sure why. But darnit if I really NEED help, it's like, crickets chirping. Maybe because it is so rare that I ask for help? Or they only offer because they know or sense I'm going to turn it down most likely. Have you noticed anything like that?? Edited November 5, 2013 by RedRobin
Imported Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 When you say "weakness", do you mean crazy? "Confide"....complain? "Fear"......needy? Do you ever think for a millisecond that maybe, sometimes you say more than you should have? Cause I do that **** all the time.
thefooloftheyear Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 (edited) I think for me because my mother is a VERY strong woman..I tend to like strong women...I have no problem being compassionate, but I TBH, I spent a loooong time with a very weak and needy woman and it just wore me out-quite frankly.. Some men are intimidated by these types of strong willed women, because they arent as self assured as the women are. Now, I dont want a real domineering bitch, but I dont like whiners..Sorry to say..Show me a woman that can do a 12 mile hike in the woods and fck like hell all night after we get home.. But ES, I dont think you have any issues, nor should you compromise your demeanor.. TFY Edited November 5, 2013 by thefooloftheyear 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 (edited) I think you might be giving these men the sense that you are becoming emotionally dependent on them. However, I think if a man is truly interested, invested in the relationship between each other...even just for the sake of the dating phase then he's going to stick around. But another thing to take into consideration, just because a man does appear to be emotionally available/supportive doesn't mean he is interested in a long-term commitment. So I therefore think that some men are getting the sense that you are moving closer to them and they are pulling away because they essentially aren't comfortable with that and wish to retain this buffer...where you just kind of carry on with the situation based on how it's been going so far, which might be partly due to "relationship" or dynamic you develop with men thus far...they might be getting the sense that you are acting one way, then drastically and unexpectedly turning into someone else within a moment, leaving them a bit confused and perplexed. This can happen when you're retaining this strong facade of pure confident and composure to shifting to a more emotionally vulnerable and open state...that can kind of freak people out for a moment, it's just not part of your normal demeanor. At any rate, I believe how you develop relationships with the other people in general is what you are giving and exposing, that allows people to be open and give the same back...if they're not reciprocating then you might either be going too fast for them. But be careful the side you are coming off as....because people buy the facade pretty easily because they don't know you, and they tend to actually think you are that way in your entirety. As much as you might expect a person to understand there is something more or someone more vulnerable than meets the eye, that may not be something many people will understand or comprehend. Surprisingly, some people believe that if someone is strong, they are strong all the time and there isn't any other vulnerability underneath. So while the strong and rigid attitude/presentation towards men might be appealing and alluring to some, it still has to be a representation of who you really are at some point so they get to know the real you...or you're crossing the line of expecting people to understand you or read your mind without you ever exposing it. Try to show them vulnerability but also with strength, you don't have to be an open book but you might be painting two conflicting pictures for people to interpret. And then when you need them to be there for you, they just kind of back away or are dumbfounded by the experience. Edited November 5, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 But another thing to take into consideration, just because a man does appear to be emotionally available/supportive doesn't mean he is interested in a long-term commitment. I do have male friends that are emotionally supportive but not romantically interested. I also think that with them, I feel more at ease talking about my weaknesses since I am not trying to "seduce" them. I also may be less sensitive if they don't appear to want to hear my problems at that particular time. So the whole dynamic is more "natural". This thread is making me realize that it's probably something to do with how I try to present myself to romantic partners.
FitChick Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 It could also depend on the stage of life the man is in. If he just got out of a marriage with dependent wife and kids, he may not want to be tied down emotionally yet. He needs a break. Those guys just want to play and don't want any more responsibility, at least for a while. Timing is important, too. I am independent and strong because I've had to be. I tread a fine line because some men, again the newly divorced, think you want them to support you not just emotionally but financially and they are burned out. I try to present myself as an asset in their life and not a burden. It's tricky! Bottom line is some men are more caring than others. Period. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 This thread is making me realize that it's probably something to do with how I try to present myself to romantic partners. I think it must, because though I'm pretty strong and independent, I've found that men love to swoop to the rescue when I'm in a pinch. In the past it was hard for me to lean on anyone, but I've always loved that kind of heroic streak that seems built in to most men. Most of the guys I've been with positively light up when they get a chance to do something sweet for me, be there for me, be strong for me. And I love it, too. How could I not? My advice is just to be more genuine from the start, rather than projecting a false image of permanent confidence and togetherness. 1
soccerrprp Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Bottom line is some men are more caring than others. Period. This is the bottom line. Men, as many have claimed and my gf is convinced of, are much more simple than women make them out to be. In this regard, some are comfortable about being emotionally available and support and others are not for one reason or another.
gaius Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 That would be me. The guys are practically begging to do shyte for me, but I always turn it down until I know what strings are attached. My new guy wanted to cook dinner for me. We had to flip a coin over who was going to cook dinner. He won That's ok. I brought my homemade apple butter and fine *ss. That made it even-steven. lol ...but enough about me... There actually needs to be way more talk about you. Should start a thread when stuff like that happens.
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