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Missed Call from a 23 year old hot bartender on my bf's phone...

romerosgirl

By romerosgirl
in General Relationship Discussion

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romerosgirl New Member

romerosgirl

Posted
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My bf and I are 33, madly in love with each other and talking about moving in together soon...BUT we have had some major trust issues lately. I've really been trying to forgive him for some excessive flirting he's done with other girls in the year that we've been together. And he says he's making an effort to not do this, even when I'm not around. But I don't think he's really made that effort. I think he's just gotten better at hiding it. I think this because I constantly see him deleting text threads on his phone and there are a lot of girls I don't know who call him up and post things on his fb. Anyway, last Fri. night we were getting ready to go to a party at 10 p.m. I noticed on his phone it said he had a missed call at 9:45 from a girl who's name I didn't recognize. I thought about it awhile and later on in that night I snuck a peek at his phone to see if this might be a co-worker or something legit (he is the kind of person that always puts some type of descriptor next to a contact on his phone). It said she was a bartender at the bar he frequents after work all the time with his friends. I thought that was weird. She was calling him from her personal cell at 9:45 on a Fri. night AND according to his call history - he called her right back. Because we are trying to work on trust with one another, I flat asked him about her. He looked shocked and said "she's just a girl I met." Long story short, I asked more questions and he fumbled over words, looked like he was going to cry and didn't really have a straight story. He gave her his #, that much he admitted to but he wouldn't give me a reason why he gave it to her or why she'd call him...all he said was, "I'm lonely and I want friends." I explained that this was inappropriate because she's 23, single, nothing in common with him and I don't believe his motive was friendship. I asked him if I should clear this up with her - go to her work and just calmly, kindly describe the events to her and ask girl-to-girl "is there anything more I should know?" He totally flipped out! He looked scared as hell and with tears in his eyes he said "please don't do that" and "you have to trust me" over and over. It's been a couple of days since then and I've barely spoken to him. I told him I needed time to think. The truth is - this might be a deal breaker for me - even though it's like nothing really happened. I do feel like I'm blowing it all out of proportion in a way that's making me question my sanity. I really can't decide what to do here. Try to forgive him and move on since I have no proof of anything more than his bad decision to give his number out...or should I call a pig a pig and move on?!

This is painful.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
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I'm a flirt. So was my EX. OMG, he'd flirt with anybody or anything. My GFs didn't understand why I put up with it & why I trusted him. It's simple . . . there are bright line boundaries & giving out your phone # crosses them. Plain old flirting that doesn't go farther than the moment is no big deal.

 

 

I wouldn't move in with your BF until this gets straightened out.

  • Like 2
melell Established Member

melell

Posted
Posted

It sounds like you know that he knows he has done something wrong. By this I mean you are validated in being upset and questioning things.

 

Bottom line is he did something he knew you wouldn't be ok with. He made a conscious decision to put something meaningless ahead of you. I almost think that if it was 'meaningless' then why do it when it could mess with things between you.

 

He could have chosen to respect you, respect that you both were working on trust, and respect the relationship. Instead he did whatever he wanted and had no regard for how it could effect things.

 

My advice- walk away, from everything I have read it is a slippery slope with this kind of thing.

  • Like 3
darkmoon Established Member

darkmoon

Posted
Posted (edited)

no you are not insane, it is a lot to take in, a strange woman in the picture, this post seems about appeasing your boyf by deciding that you are at fault blowing it out of proportion, well, you must love him then

 

as he was crying at age 33 I think he does love you too actually, I think he has to prove it to you, let him :) give him a chance - just one

Edited by darkmoon
  • Like 1
OpheliaSong Established Member

OpheliaSong

Posted
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It sounds like you have had trust issues before this so you know the answer. You get in life what you accept and if you accept someone who chats to strange girls (bartenders no less) on the phone, you know he was looking for a hook-up. I would be careful about moving in with someone like this....this si the red flag you swear you never saw ten years down the line when he runs off with his secretary and you are left with a broken marriage and two kids.

  • Like 1
CherryT Established Member

CherryT

Posted
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You're not blowing it out of proportion. My ex was the same "I'm lonely, I need friends". He was so insecure with his own manhood that even though he had a girl at home, he couldn't stand it when other guys would get attention from other females. So he worked double duty to make sure girls liked him, even if he didn't think they were attracted to them. For awhile, he made it feel like I was being insecure. But I wasn't. I have a lot of guy friends and he had girlfriends I know were harmless. But there's the general being friendly with the waitress who's serving you and blatant disrespect that he's showing to you. Eventually my ex cheated on me and I dumped him. For years, he tried and tried to crawl back to me and I wouldn't even be his friends. I cut him off and wanted nothing to do with him. Even now, once in awhile, he'll send me some sappy email about how he can't get on with his life. It's been over 5 years... I feel sorry for him.

 

I am now with an amazing man and we're about to get married. He would NEVER in a million years even think about being friendly with a waitress who's serving him. He'll be polite and that's that. He has the upmost respect for me and would never do anything like that to cause any trust issues. There are men out there who will treat you well.

 

Guys like your boyfriend and my ex are insecure and there's no amount of attention that can fix that until they learn to be OK with themselves. You can't fix that... I think since this has been happening for some time, you have to decide when enough is enough for you. When I was with my ex, I was 19-23. He was immature. At 33 years old, he should have himself figured out a little bit more. Unless he's trying to pull the wool over you and acting like he's a sad puppy, but in fact he knows exactly what he's doing.

  • Like 2
emva07 Established Member

emva07

Posted
Posted

yah.....these are insecure men that need other women to stroke their egos....and eventually one comes along that falls in the web and an affair takes place.

 

These guys are good at making girls feel that THEY are the insecure ones and are overreacting.

 

All of your gut instincts are right on.

 

But like you said, you need proof, without proof, you will always second guess leaving him (did i overreact? was he telling the truth? was it really THAT bad? Am I the insecure one?). With proof you will not look back.

 

I had millions and millions of redflags, to which his answers were also "i'm lonely" "i get bored and start texting girls" "I'm just playing around" "i can't have girl friends?" "you are so jealous/insecure/crazy".

 

Long story short....he was a cheater. But emva was not happy until she saw it with her own eyes :rolleyes:

 

Never ignoring the redflags again.

  • Like 2
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romerosgirl New Member

romerosgirl

Posted
  • Author
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wow. thank you all for the insightful thoughts. I really appreciate it...I wasn't sure what to expect from asking this question. I've never done the forum thing before but I really wanted unbiased advice. I still don't know what I'll do - but it's nice to know I'm not crazy for being unsure.

Thank you all, again.

Warmest Regards.

emva07 Established Member

emva07

Posted
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it's like my mom says "we've all been through it, you live and learn from it and move on"

 

next time, you aren't fooled as easily.

 

When your bf has a platonic relationship with a girl you know....when there is more....you know. IDK how to explain it, but we just know. And YOU know.

  • Like 1
Midnight_Princess Established Member

Midnight_Princess

Posted
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Tell/ask the girl. He doesnt want you to cause he has done something. Anyone who needs to say "trust me" 5 times cant be trusted. If hes lonely wanting friends why would he need to delete his messages? If he were innocent he would not delete messages and would have no problem with you asking the girl.

Dont be a fool, find the truth you deserve.

Good luck!

  • Like 2
CherryT Established Member

CherryT

Posted
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Wow.

 

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

 

This guy is a first-class cheating scumbag and you're making excuses for him just because YOU don't "have proof" of anything more than a phone call between them? The guy is a snake and you're signing up for a LIFETIME of lies and pig behavior if you move in with this jerk.

 

I would have to agree with this. You already have enough proof... Don't let him cheat on you to be the proof you need. Stand up for yourself and higher your standards and don't let a boy treat you this way. He will continue to flirt because its in his nature. He isn't remorseful for his actions, he's remorseful because he almost got caught. But now he's sighing a breath of relief because you are still around.

 

I've been there and done that and there really isn't a good way it will end. He'll either continue "flirting" and you'll have to continue trying to forgive him or he'll eventually really "cross your line" - what is the lowest he can do? Do you really want to get there? There is no real relationship without trust and it's clear you don't trust him and he's not doing much to build that with you. Cut your losses now and realize that you are worthy of someone who will treat you well. Who won't even go as far as look at another girl in a flirtatious manner let alone act on it. There ARE men out there like that... but if you keep yourself occupied with men like this, you won't be able to find him.

  • Like 2
crederer Established Member

crederer

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Innocent flirting is one thing but giving his number to a girl from a bar? What planet are you from where this is okay?

 

I have no problem with men and women having friends of the opposite sex in a relationship as long as they were friends before the relationship started or they have mutual friends in the same circle (i.e a friends girlfriend or boyfriend). Finding a complete stranger of the opposite sex and befriending them is simply not acceptable to me.

  • Like 2
theothersully Established Member

theothersully

Posted
Posted

This is no good. What's a relationship without honesty?

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