JDPT Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 If you fear being alone, then it's a good idea to be alone, to become comfortable with the feeling. Once you're comfortable with being alone, you'll bounce back from a break up much faster each time. Speaks the truth 1
yorkie Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 tbh boys n girls yes its tough but i think we all agree that our loves were good once! and me personally i do want to share my life with someone special yes im a romantic and probs my downfall but hey we all move on alot of my mates who are 40's now dont want another relationship and i find that sad. yes my true love i still think of and im gutted but you know what i will find love again. also someone who will care for me as i will them. thats the power of love! not just the pain but the highs as well!
Author sambo77 Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 tbh boys n girls yes its tough but i think we all agree that our loves were good once! and me personally i do want to share my life with someone special yes im a romantic and probs my downfall but hey we all move on alot of my mates who are 40's now dont want another relationship and i find that sad. yes my true love i still think of and im gutted but you know what i will find love again. also someone who will care for me as i will them. thats the power of love! not just the pain but the highs as well! Yeah...I see your point Yorkie. And I do wanna share my life with somebody too. I think I'm saying that I'd like the MOTIVATION to get into another relationship to be something other than the fact that I don't like being alone and find a hot girl who also doesn't wanna be alone and thinks I'm hot too...if that makes any sense. Deep down inside me, I still have the "you need to find somebody" "this loneliness is horrible...you'll die with it if you don't act quickly" voices whispering away. They are persistent, snide, annoying little b&stards. If I listened to them (and they are powerful) then I could sooo easily start hunting for the next R. Thing is...when something came out of it, then it would predominantly have arisen out of that deep seated fear (even if the other person is great). That's been the driver in a few of my relationships (for me AND for the partner)...I'm just starting to wonder if it can ever result in a truly healthy relationship. I might be wrong...but I'm sceptical.
ponchsox Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I felt like being in a bad relationship was better than being alone. And I was wrong.
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Deep down inside me, I still have the "you need to find somebody" "this loneliness is horrible...you'll die with it if you don't act quickly" voices whispering away. They are persistent, snide, annoying little b&stards. One thing I've learned in therapy is that these voices are most likely NOT your own. They are your parents (in my case), the media, and others. But not your own. It takes a tremendous deal of strength and wisdom to squash them and focus on what IS your own message about your happiness and well being. 2
crederer Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I really have no desire to be with anyone (other than her) right now. I really don't care to put any effort into finding dates and once finding them putting the effort into the whole song and dance of trying to get them to like me. Basically been single for 7 months now and dating has not lit my fire in any shape or form. Don't plan on changing that anytime soon either. I have a couple FWB which is enough for me for now, but that being said it's starting to cause some unneeded drama as well.
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 What is wrong with being alone? Why is that scary? I don't get it. Think it was covered pretty thoroughly in this thread... 1
Salvatore85 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 What is wrong with being alone? Why is that scary? I don't get it. I'd rather be alone than deal with the abuse / lies / cheating / etc. that many of you have tolerated from someone so you could avoid being alone. It's not that I'm really scared of being alone per se, it's more so the thought of never finding someone I'll connect with in that way again. I'll be honest I want to have a family but I want do it just for the sake of doing it. As far as avoiding things because you might get hurt or cheated on, than you may as well not leave your house because you might get in an car accident or attacked by a dog. I'm very aware of the risks it involves however when a relationship is good and both people are happy it's an amazing feeling and to me it's more than worth the gamble.
Salvatore85 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Skid mark- I apologize if I misunderstood you but I thought you meant living alone without ever giving love another chance.
yorkie Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Yeah...I see your point Yorkie. And I do wanna share my life with somebody too. I think I'm saying that I'd like the MOTIVATION to get into another relationship to be something other than the fact that I don't like being alone and find a hot girl who also doesn't wanna be alone and thinks I'm hot too...if that makes any sense. Deep down inside me, I still have the "you need to find somebody" "this loneliness is horrible...you'll die with it if you don't act quickly" voices whispering away. They are persistent, snide, annoying little b&stards. If I listened to them (and they are powerful) then I could sooo easily start hunting for the next R. Thing is...when something came out of it, then it would predominantly have arisen out of that deep seated fear (even if the other person is great). That's been the driver in a few of my relationships (for me AND for the partner)...I'm just starting to wonder if it can ever result in a truly healthy relationship. I might be wrong...but I'm sceptical. i to have them voices and tbh i have a very good lady friend who i have started to get feelings for, i have known her for 7 years. but you know what im torn. my ex was stunning and when we both were in love it was magic! i now remember the good times and think wow that was special and i still question where it went wrong but with the new lady friend and we are just friends but she has been there to support me and has said she likes me and has said im not ready yet when i told her i liked her i can be myself with her! and you know what! i can be myself with her. before my ex somethings i could not discuss with her as i didnt feel comfortable. it weird and yes im confused to those voices i think are all about the good times and what love should be like! just a god dam shame the ex isnt hearing them lol. anyhow i think love comes to you when you are least expecting it. i dont know what will happen between me and ex or between me and my lady friend. but i know im getting stronger every day even though i am struggling. 1
fujidabruin Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I think you misunderstood me. I would rather be alone than date someone who lies, cheats and does not want to be with me. You do read the threads on here, don't you? Most of the people on here would kill to be back with the liar, cheater or person who doesn't want them. I get feeling disappointed, upset about the outcome and being devastated / hurt due to the break up and things not working out. For many here, it is their first break up or first time dealing with being cheating on and lied too. However, there is also a lot of people on here who are older and still want to go back for seconds and thirds with the very person who caused them this unbelievable amount of pain knowing damn well the person will hurt them again and again. For me, I have been through the "First Love" Break up and now that I am older / wiser / experienced... I'd rather be alone and wait till I met someone special who will actually love, care about, value and respect me. For some, they would rather be with anyone regardless of how they are treated just so they don't have to be alone.[/quote To me, what I hear Skidmark talking about is NOT settling for anything less than true fulfillment. This is a philosophy that I have finally been able to adopt in recent years. The problem is that a lot of people have issues within then they go seeking others to fill the void and do not even realize that they are creating dependency/codependency. They sometimes call it love and it gets confused with simple "attachment". I have gone through this more than once in my relationships. For me the loneliness part was hand in hand with the unhappiness about where I was in my life. From the time I was 16 till my early 40's I was often unhappy when not in a relationship. Looking back, I guess I became dependent on the relationships to validate that I was worthy of love. Only in recent years have I been able to stay in touch with my self-love and my love within. I think many people are fearful of being alone until they embrace their self-love. In my opinion, we can only be free to fully share and accept love when we have discovered and chosen to embrace it within ourselves. 1
Canadiangirl78 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I am the complete opposite..I like being alone so much that it ruins my relationships because I push people away. I have always been independent, almost to an extreme and it causes me so many problems. I am aware of it but can't stop it. For example, if I go get groceries and come home with 15 bags of stuff and my bf offers to help carry the stuff in to the house, I refuse to let him help me. I would rather break my right arm then allow someone to help me. I count of myself for everything and I don't let people in..it's a terrible way to be, especially when someone is just trying to love and help me through life..
Author sambo77 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Posted November 6, 2013 So what is it about letting others in or allowing them to care for you that you don't like CG78? Do you have any idea of what exactly it is about that that could be so uncomfortable for you?
theonlyjuan Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I was someone who could not stand to be alone, that is why I jumped into my last relationship 2 months after a 7 year one. I have done a complete turn and now can't bare the thought of being in a relationship. I think it has a lot to do with breaking old habits and making new ones. I am so much happier now doing everything on my terms. I am pretty busy and don't have the time for someone else, unless they magically fit in around my life. It is so much easier without all the drama a relationship brings, I only have to worry about myself. Relying on having someone to be happy or complete is the worst way to be, eventually it will fall apart. Be happy with yourself first and then you can be truly happy with someone else. That's what I think anyway
Canadiangirl78 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I think it's being vulnerable to people that I have a hard time with. I've always been looked at as the strong one. That's within my family and group of friends. Because I have always been seen that way I suppose I have a hard time not playing that role. There are times in my life, such as right now after splitting up with my fiancé of four years that I am literally falling apart inside and my heart is in pieces but I don't feel like I can show that to anyone. I have a friend and one of my family members going through some hardships now too and I feel like I have to be strong and be there for them rather then bothering them with how I'm feeling..
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I think it's being vulnerable to people that I have a hard time with. I've always been looked at as the strong one. That's within my family and group of friends. Because I have always been seen that way I suppose I have a hard time not playing that role. There are times in my life, such as right now after splitting up with my fiancé of four years that I am literally falling apart inside and my heart is in pieces but I don't feel like I can show that to anyone. I have a friend and one of my family members going through some hardships now too and I feel like I have to be strong and be there for them rather then bothering them with how I'm feeling.. Please find someone, anyone who you can open up to. Carrying around this pain will eat you alive. I get what you are saying about the 'strong' role, and I think we men face this stereotype a lot. It's BS. If you're hurting then you're hurting. It's OK. YOU are allowed. YOU are entitled to have these feelings and emotions. Release it. No good will come from keeping it in... 1
ponchsox Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I think it's being vulnerable to people that I have a hard time with. I've always been looked at as the strong one. That's within my family and group of friends. Because I have always been seen that way I suppose I have a hard time not playing that role. There are times in my life, such as right now after splitting up with my fiancé of four years that I am literally falling apart inside and my heart is in pieces but I don't feel like I can show that to anyone. I have a friend and one of my family members going through some hardships now too and I feel like I have to be strong and be there for them rather then bothering them with how I'm feeling.. I consider myself very strong too and my recent breakup has me in crumbles also. It's because we have big hearts and a high regard for others. My ex didn't care so much. She was very black/white when it came to us dating.
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 The problem is that a lot of people have issues within then they go seeking others to fill the void and do not even realize that they are creating dependency/codependency. They sometimes call it love and it gets confused with simple "attachment". I have gone through this more than once in my relationships. Only in recent years have I been able to stay in touch with my self-love and my love within. I think many people are fearful of being alone until they embrace their self-love. In my opinion, we can only be free to fully share and accept love when we have discovered and chosen to embrace it within ourselves. I have read this about 5 times. I think this sums up my problem very nicely. I'm just not sure how to reach this place in my own life. I feel like I am stuck in a cycle. I know I am not happy with my current life situation. Unfulfilling job. Living in a town I don't like. Living in an apartment I don't like. Etc... And I know I need to work on self-esteem / self-worth issues (self love). But it's very difficult to 'build-up' these things (self love) when I am unhappy with my life situation right now. And I can't really change the situation without a strong sense of self-esteem. I kind of feel like I need one to get the other and vice versa. But, instead I have neither. I feel stuck. 1
Haydn Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Really understand you here. Break ups have that way of sucking away all hope from life. I read your earlier posts and threads and you gave a ****load of emotional investment, (Me too). It seems to take so long to get back up. I currently hate my flat here in Budapest because of her. When i am home in London the gloom lifts. But self esteem and self love are tricky beasts to tame. I love to give someone as much as i can. I never expect anything in return so in the words of our friend Reddragon i didn`t `man up`. So this leads me after months of painful soul searching to try to see what i can love about myself. Some days i can. I am still passerbly good looking. Have all my own hair. Am funny and kind and have a beautiful daughter. Should all click yes? But no not yet. I am in the same kind of limbo as you. Time time. Take care. I have read this about 5 times. I think this sums up my problem very nicely. I'm just not sure how to reach this place in my own life. I feel like I am stuck in a cycle. I know I am not happy with my current life situation. Unfulfilling job. Living in a town I don't like. Living in an apartment I don't like. Etc... And I know I need to work on self-esteem / self-worth issues (self love). But it's very difficult to 'build-up' these things (self love) when I am unhappy with my life situation right now. And I can't really change the situation without a strong sense of self-esteem. I kind of feel like I need one to get the other and vice versa. But, instead I have neither. I feel stuck. 1
Canadiangirl78 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I think that is why I have found such comfort in these forums, it helps me deal with my feelings through reading others stories and helps me sort through my own emotions through the experiences of others. It's funny though because I have posted replies to others stories in here and tried to offer advice or kind words where I thought I could help but I have not posted my OWN story. Again, this has to do with not wanting to trouble anyone with my bullsh*t while they are dealing with their own. I think for some weird reason I see others struggles and triumphs as more important than my own. Strange isn't it..
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I think that is why I have found such comfort in these forums, it helps me deal with my feelings through reading others stories and helps me sort through my own emotions through the experiences of others. It's funny though because I have posted replies to others stories in here and tried to offer advice or kind words where I thought I could help but I have not posted my OWN story. Again, this has to do with not wanting to trouble anyone with my bullsh*t while they are dealing with their own. I think for some weird reason I see others struggles and triumphs as more important than my own. Strange isn't it.. Not strange at all, at least not to me. I have similar feelings. I have discovered that, at least for me, these 'feelings' and ways of looking at life, were formed early in my childhood and I have carried them around with me for many, many years. I am just now uncovering them and attempting to rectify my way of thinking. But, please do post your story. I know there are many who would be interested to know and learn from it. It IS an important story. You are NOT troubling anyone.
Canadiangirl78 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Thanks, it's nice to know I may not be as bat sh*t crazy as I thought! Haha! I suppose it all comes down to self worth. Why is it that I don't feel my struggles are as important as the next persons, is it because I don't value my own self and my own experiences as much as others? Even in my job (I'm in the social work field) I have to constantly be the one others lean on for support. The thing is I am an over analyzer and I have a hard time turning my brain off, I always try to be one step ahead of others and think of every possible roadblock to every situation, it never stops for me. I have a very difficult time making decisions because I have to analyze every angle of every situation I am in. Maybe because I am constantly thinking about my own crap being a "rock" for others gives me some relief and allows me to turn my mind to something other than my own stuff all the time?
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Thanks, it's nice to know I may not be as bat sh*t crazy as I thought! Haha! I suppose it all comes down to self worth. Why is it that I don't feel my struggles are as important as the next persons, is it because I don't value my own self and my own experiences as much as others? Even in my job (I'm in the social work field) I have to constantly be the one others lean on for support. The thing is I am an over analyzer and I have a hard time turning my brain off, I always try to be one step ahead of others and think of every possible roadblock to every situation, it never stops for me. I have a very difficult time making decisions because I have to analyze every angle of every situation I am in. Maybe because I am constantly thinking about my own crap being a "rock" for others gives me some relief and allows me to turn my mind to something other than my own stuff all the time? We have many similar traits. I am guilty of many of the things you describe as well. And what I have learned in the last 8 months is that it is NOT a healthy way to live. And in fact, one can benefit greatly by 'turning off' ones thoughts. Constant thinking and over-analyzing can be quite detrimental and are probably leading you into these feelings of low self-worth. They definitely are not helping. That's for sure. Have you seen a therapist about this? Helped me a great deal. I also recommend the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. I can send you an MP3 if you PM me... There are some other pretty good books I would recommend too. Just wondering, are you a Libra as I am?
Canadiangirl78 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Haha! Yes I am a libra. I have not seen a therapist, but I know I should. I have had quite a few traumas in my life over the past 5 years and I'm almost afraid to open the flood gates so to speak..but I do know it needs to be done. I know it's unhealthy to carry so much weight in my shoulders but is it weird to say I wouldn't know what to do without it? I feel all my stress in my stomach and I'm almost sure I must have an ulcer by now..I know it hurts me to be this way and I know the light I have inside me has definetly been dimmed over the years but I am also very hopeful that it can and will shine bright again one day soon..I wish that for you aswell..
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I know the light I have inside me has definetly been dimmed over the years but I am also very hopeful that it can and will shine bright again one day soon..I wish that for you aswell.. This won't just happen by itself. You have to work for it. Work hard! I highly recommend therapy!!!
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