Fear of being alone...

[sambo77]

There's been an almost compulsive desire inside me over the last 6 weeks to do...well...something...anything...to either (a) get her back or (b) fill the void that she left behind.

 

If I'm honest, it has been fear driving that compulsion. She left me alone in the world again. I think I'm petrified of that and of what it means. I want her back because I felt safe with her. She gave me a purpose. My future was sorted. I was needed.

 

In many ways, my relationship with her allowed me to forget about how terrifying being alone is/was and to just bask in the beauty of "having somebody." I loved her. But I realise that every relationship I've ever had (as much as I loved them) has distracted me from an intense fear of being alone. I've tried very hard not to look at that fear for as long as I can remember.

 

This time, I think I need to look across at the void she left and just...do nothing about it. Leave it there. As I do that, I am slowly but surely learning that it's OK if nobody needs me right now. It's OK to exist in the world as just...me. I can survive in the world as just...me. There may even be some fun to be had that way. Feeling a fear of loneliness but doing nothing about feeding it (letting her go...not making any attempt at finding another) is very very slowly giving me little tiny injections of belief I can survive...alone.

 

I'm not so sure I know what it's like to begin a relationship from a point where I am equally comfortable existing in the world alone or as part of the relationship. Time to give that a try...by learning to accept that being by myself is a viable way of existing too. Maybe that'll be the gift I get from this BU.

[AnyaNova]

I couldn't have said it better myself.

 

And with some additional reasons added in, is a great description of why I am choosing to take a dating hiatus for a while as well.

[Anethen]

I know what you're feeling. I'm scared of being alone also. I hate that I'm not needed anymore. I realize now that I put so much time, effort, and energy into my relationship that I forgot what it was like to be an individual. I used to be so independent before my 2.5 yr relationship, but now I have no clue what to do with my life, no purpose.

 

I'm also scared to even think about another relationship. I forgot what it's like to "start" a relationship. I think I'll just compare the new person to my ex. But, I guess that means I'm nowhere near ready to date yet.

 

This BU was a wake up call in a way. Like you said, I guess this is my time to learn to be me again and to be comfortable being a single independent woman.

[mtnbiker3000]

For me, I'm mostly just bored to tears. Currently, in a small town with few friends and few things to do. Used to live in a major metropolis with lots to do and always new folks to meet.

 

And, I also just miss spending time with someone special. Holding them. Hugging them. The way their hair smells so good. Just to be close and intimate with someone. I miss it. Bored by myself...

[aybc123]

I think everyone fears being alone it's perfectly natural. The important thing is to not just have that fear be held at bay by one person who can up sticks and leave whenever they feel like it.

 

If i had no family no friends no gf, yes my life would be legitimately lonely and i would feel bad. I need people, there's no shame in that.

 

The problem lies in if you're a long way from or not close to your family, and you have few close friends where you live and THEN you get dumped. If you can rebuild your world without a SO in it and be happy with it then you're in a good place to find someone and not be relying on them for all of your companionship. The best i've felt since the BU was when a bunch of my old friends came to visit for a week as they do every year, surrounded by people i knew so well and was so close to i honestly felt pretty much normal, and it made me realise that although I was missing her, i was actually missing my life where I am being full of people im close to more than anything, and that that was what i needed to fix rather than just find another bandaid.

[AnyaNova]

I think everyone fears being alone it's perfectly natural. The important thing is to not just have that fear be held at bay by one person who can up sticks and leave whenever they feel like it.

 

If i had no family no friends no gf, yes my life would be legitimately lonely and i would feel bad. I need people, there's no shame in that.

 

The problem lies in if you're a long way from or not close to your family, and you have few close friends where you live and THEN you get dumped. If you can rebuild your world without a SO in it and be happy with it then you're in a good place to find someone and not be relying on them for all of your companionship. The best i've felt since the BU was when a bunch of my old friends came to visit for a week as they do every year, surrounded by people i knew so well and was so close to i honestly felt pretty much normal, and it made me realise that although I was missing her, i was actually missing my life where I am being full of people im close to more than anything, and that that was what i needed to fix rather than just find another bandaid.

As in, displaced to grad school. Thank you. I think you have helped explain my reaction and why it has taken longer than I thought it would, at this point. :-)

[ponchsox]

I know what you're feeling. I'm scared of being alone also. I hate that I'm not needed anymore. I realize now that I put so much time, effort, and energy into my relationship that I forgot what it was like to be an individual. I used to be so independent before my 2.5 yr relationship, but now I have no clue what to do with my life, no purpose.

 

I'm also scared to even think about another relationship. I forgot what it's like to "start" a relationship. I think I'll just compare the new person to my ex. But, I guess that means I'm nowhere near ready to date yet.

 

This BU was a wake up call in a way. Like you said, I guess this is my time to learn to be me again and to be comfortable being a single independent woman.

 

I am very independent person by nature as an only child. What scared me is the last 1.5 years caused me to become somewhat codependent on my ex. I guess I got too comfortable and always thought that she would be there. Not that she is suddenly gone, I am trying to figure out how to fill that void. I quickly ran out and when on a date 5 weeks after, that didn't work. Working out is helping me immensely.

[BottleofHope]

My ex-gf left me when we were suppose to move to the UK together after college. Everything was set, there was an apartment (hers) and a job waiting for me as I was getting my stuff done in Sweden. It took her only 1 month to find a new guy and broke it off with me.

 

I lost control of everything, was jobless and homeless. She was everything, my future, my home but she threw it all away for a cheap-ass guy who still dress like a high school boy with a hoodie and gym shorts. She didn't even looked back twice or asked how I was going to survive.

 

I was so scared of facing the world alone but I came to realize that fear only happened because I FORGOT how to be alone. Being in a relationship with someone kinda makes us dependent on the other person, which is not wrong because relationships are foundations of support emotionally and physically.

 

It took sometime to get my **** together but now I am living in London and working, life has never shown great opportunities like this before.

[ponchsox]

Adopt a puppy!

[AnyaNova]

Adopt a puppy!

 

Or a kitty. Kitties are sweet and loving, and less demanding.

[Salvatore85]

I know what you're feeling. I'm scared of being alone also. I hate that I'm not needed anymore. I realize now that I put so much time, effort, and energy into my relationship that I forgot what it was like to be an individual. I used to be so independent before my 2.5 yr relationship, but now I have no clue what to do with my life, no purpose.

 

I'm also scared to even think about another relationship. I forgot what it's like to "start" a relationship. I think I'll just compare the new person to my ex. But, I guess that means I'm nowhere near ready to date yet.

 

This BU was a wake up call in a way. Like you said, I guess this is my time to learn to be me again and to be comfortable being a single independent woman.

 

This is exactly how I feel. Terrified of being alone but having no idea if I want to date again or just not knowing how to date again?

[bubbaganoosh]

There's a big difference between being alone and lonely and I lived it.

 

After my second marriage ended, I was through. No more. I lived by myself and when I felt like going out, I went out. I f I met a woman, I would date her but I kept everything at arms length for fear of getting burned. I also had a daughter that I saw as much as I wanted to which was what my EX and I agreed on.

 

I always looked at it this way. Be damned if I'm going to get into a relationship just for the sake of everyone seeing that I have a girlfriend. Now granted, I'll bet you a dollar to doughnuts that I'm older than you. I was in my early 40's at that time and I really liked living alone. I came home when I wanted, ate when I wanted, went to bed when I wanted. Went out when I wanted. All in all. Life wasn't that bad. I've been single now for 21 years although I tried back in 2009 to have a relationship with a old girlfriend from way back and stayed with her for 9 months and couldn't take it any longer.

 

What I'm trying to tell you is a lot of people will stay in a relationship that is 100% dead just to be in one. Nver mind that their unhappy, but the thought of not being in one is worse than a dead relationship. That's some kind of a real crappy life

[Salvatore85]

There's a big difference between being alone and lonely and I lived it.

 

After my second marriage ended, I was through. No more. I lived by myself and when I felt like going out, I went out. I f I met a woman, I would date her but I kept everything at arms length for fear of getting burned. I also had a daughter that I saw as much as I wanted to which was what my EX and I agreed on.

 

I always looked at it this way. Be damned if I'm going to get into a relationship just for the sake of everyone seeing that I have a girlfriend. Now granted, I'll bet you a dollar to doughnuts that I'm older than you. I was in my early 40's at that time and I really liked living alone. I came home when I wanted, ate when I wanted, went to bed when I wanted. Went out when I wanted. All in all. Life wasn't that bad. I've been single now for 21 years although I tried back in 2009 to have a relationship with a old girlfriend from way back and stayed with her for 9 months and couldn't take it any longer.

 

What I'm trying to tell you is a lot of people will stay in a relationship that is 100% dead just to be in one. Nver mind that their unhappy, but the thought of not being in one is worse than a dead relationship. That's some kind of a real crappy life

 

The last year of my 5 year relationship was exactly this way. I felt more alone in that relationship than now when I'm single. I'm 28 so yes I'm much younger but you've really given some great advice and it's much appreciated.

[mtnbiker3000]

There's a big difference between being alone and lonely and I lived it.

 

Think I have both going on right now. Don't mind the alone part, but it's being lonely that sucks!!

[Haydn]

I really like this thread. It hits the nail right on the head. I could quote so many of you and agree. I was holding on for years i think to a relationship when i really should have walked. In hindsight i was alone in the relationship. I was doing all the work. I remember times when i came back to my flat and put on a good movie, cracked open a beer and felt good to be away from the madness for one night. It was good to be alone. But after she dropped me the loneliness really kicked in. I realised how many friends i`d sacrificed to be with her. And i felt totally alone. Its only after a long time that i am getting used to my own company again. Yes its about appreciating yourself. And not to be be with someone for the sake of being alone. I have always been in relationships, one ended another one started. But his time i have been alone. And i think this is needed now at this time in my life. Thanks for the thread Sambo. Food for thought.

[sambo77]

There's a big difference between being alone and lonely and I lived it.

 

After my second marriage ended, I was through. No more. I lived by myself and when I felt like going out, I went out. I f I met a woman, I would date her but I kept everything at arms length for fear of getting burned. I also had a daughter that I saw as much as I wanted to which was what my EX and I agreed on.

 

I always looked at it this way. Be damned if I'm going to get into a relationship just for the sake of everyone seeing that I have a girlfriend. Now granted, I'll bet you a dollar to doughnuts that I'm older than you. I was in my early 40's at that time and I really liked living alone. I came home when I wanted, ate when I wanted, went to bed when I wanted. Went out when I wanted. All in all. Life wasn't that bad. I've been single now for 21 years although I tried back in 2009 to have a relationship with a old girlfriend from way back and stayed with her for 9 months and couldn't take it any longer.

 

What I'm trying to tell you is a lot of people will stay in a relationship that is 100% dead just to be in one. Nver mind that their unhappy, but the thought of not being in one is worse than a dead relationship. That's some kind of a real crappy life

 

You're right bubba...I'm a little younger than you...35. Your last paragraph makes some great sense...in our heads we sometimes equate simply "being in a relationship" with "everything being OK again." But that couldn't be further from the truth.

 

In truth, I bet a huge chunk of those who are "in a relationship" are struggling more than we are (but with different demons). I know that in every relationship I've been in there was a sizeable chunk of it where I was quite unhappy "because" of the relationship?!

 

Gotta figure that one out.

[sambo77]

Thanks for all your replies. Strange huh, it isn't really "being in a relationship" that cures loneliness. It's being "known." I mean...really getting the impression that somebody else (a) cares about, (b) listens to, and © wants to connect with the stuff that goes on inside our heads...who we really are. That's when we feel less lonely because it's like somebody else enters into your little isolated room and cares to take a look around...and they might tell you that it's like that in their little room too...or their world might be different...but they want to know you and they accept you.

 

I don't think my ex ever cared to look that deeply into me...I spent most of our relationship holding her hand while she dealt with the demons in her own head (which she has still not dealt with).

 

In fact, this thread has made me feel less alone because I can see that you guys know what I'm feeling too...and it frightens you too...and...well...oh god, I just wish she had cared about what was going on inside me too.

 

It was like as soon as she realised that there was stuff going on inside me as well (that I'm not just an emotionless shell that empathises with her 24/7) she just wanted nothing more to do with me.

[ponchsox]

You're right bubba...I'm a little younger than you...35. Your last paragraph makes some great sense...in our heads we sometimes equate simply "being in a relationship" with "everything being OK again." But that couldn't be further from the truth.

 

In truth, I bet a huge chunk of those who are "in a relationship" are struggling more than we are (but with different demons). I know that in every relationship I've been in there was a sizeable chunk of it where I was quite unhappy "because" of the relationship?!

 

Gotta figure that one out.

 

 

This thread really hits home for me. I was in a relationship that I knew wasn't right, had lots of red flags, yet I stayed in it out of fear of being alone. Since the breakup, I stayed in contact to try and win her back. I also went on a date just 5 weeks after to try and quickly fill the void. Dating her gave me a sense of purpose and comfort, even though there were many times I was frustrated and upset by her unwillingness to put effort into the relationship. I can't tell you how many times I told myself I needed a new girlfriend while dating her. But there I was, kept at a distance, but back in her bed.

[xUnknown]

I know what you're feeling. I'm scared of being alone also. I hate that I'm not needed anymore. I realize now that I put so much time, effort, and energy into my relationship that I forgot what it was like to be an individual. I used to be so independent before my 2.5 yr relationship, but now I have no clue what to do with my life, no purpose.

 

I'm also scared to even think about another relationship. I forgot what it's like to "start" a relationship. I think I'll just compare the new person to my ex. But, I guess that means I'm nowhere near ready to date yet.

 

This BU was a wake up call in a way. Like you said, I guess this is my time to learn to be me again and to be comfortable being a single independent woman.

 

I'm right there with ya on this one...

[Lizrd3000]

I never understood this ''fear of being alone'' could anyone explain?

 

You're born alone, alone you go out.

 

To bo honest, I've had one RS in my life with a girl I love for 6 months, but I knew I was still alone, I didn't mind it, but I was still alone. Everything comes to an end, and at the end of the day, the only one who's going to be there for you is you, so you better start loving yourself as much as possible, because YOU ain't going nowhere, you can trust you.

 

In love, IMO, you can only hope to have an everlasting companionship, but there are SO many factors that can break it, and there's always this possibility that your SO doesn't want your relationship to work out as badly as you do.

 

Sorry if I sound bitter, I'm having a bad day today.

[Mz_sassy_77]

I think part of it is all the crap we are fed by the media from the time we are young. That we need to be part of a couple to be happy and for-filled. But I'm starting to think this isn't the case. I mean it's hard going from being in a relationship to being on your own because you are used to having someone else around all the time, someone to do things with etc. But i think you also get used to not having someone around all the time, and most people have friends and family to do things with so that can be filled by someone else.

 

The thing i am noticing is how many people are in a relationship and are not truly happy. It's like they complain about their partner does this or doesn't do that. I now wonder if it's all worth it really. If a lot of people are in relationships because they feel that's what they are supposed to do.

 

If you think about it all relationships end - someone leaves or someone dies - at some point you are going to be on your own. I'm actually really happy on my own. Once I got over the upset of the BU I realized I can do anything I want, when I want, don't have to answer to anyone, think about anyone else's feelings, plan around someone else. I can be totally selfish.

[mtnbiker3000]

Great thread!! Really has made me think I really appreciate all of the different points of view here

 

I think part of it is all the crap we are fed by the media from the time we are young. That we need to be part of a couple to be happy and for-filled.

 

My therapist talks about this often. And it's not just relationships. We are constantly being bombarded with what a happy, successful life is supposed to 'look' like. This constant message has added to my own issues of self-esteem and self-worth. Very difficult to not hold yourself up to the light for comparison. Very dangerous and self-defeating!!

 

The thing i am noticing is how many people are in a relationship and are not truly happy. It's like they complain about their partner does this or doesn't do that. I now wonder if it's all worth it really. If a lot of people are in relationships because they feel that's what they are supposed to do.

 

Damned if you do. Damned if you don't...

 

If you think about it all relationships end - someone leaves or someone dies - at some point you are going to be on your own. I'm actually really happy on my own. Once I got over the upset of the BU I realized I can do anything I want, when I want, don't have to answer to anyone, think about anyone else's feelings, plan around someone else. I can be totally selfish.

 

Yes. I agree here. But one of the things I miss when single is the intimacy and physical benefits of a GF.

[BottleofHope]

I never understood this ''fear of being alone'' could anyone explain?

 

You're born alone, alone you go out.

 

To bo honest, I've had one RS in my life with a girl I love for 6 months, but I knew I was still alone, I didn't mind it, but I was still alone. Everything comes to an end, and at the end of the day, the only one who's going to be there for you is you, so you better start loving yourself as much as possible, because YOU ain't going nowhere, you can trust you.

 

In love, IMO, you can only hope to have an everlasting companionship, but there are SO many factors that can break it, and there's always this possibility that your SO doesn't want your relationship to work out as badly as you do.

 

Sorry if I sound bitter, I'm having a bad day today.

 

I guess the 'fear of being alone' comes to us when you get use to being in a relationship, some people that have been in long and serious relationships have gone through several things in life with their partner, bad things and good things. You always have someone that has your back no matter what you are doing and when that person leaves, you are suddenly left to face the world alone.

 

I commented before, when my ex-gf dumped me, I was scared of being along because I FORGOT how to be alone. Before I stepped into a relationship I did everything by myself, facing what ever life has thrown in my way. You just get dependent on your partner and when they leave, that empty space turns into fear of being alone.

Edited November 5, 2013 by BottleofHope

[mtnbiker3000]

^^ This is co-dependence... A very easy trap to fall into!!

[xUnknown]

You just get dependent on your partner and when they leave, that empty space turns into fear of being alone.

 

I agree with everything you've said. Not only the sentence above, but you're willing to stay in a relationship, even if its hanging on by a string, convincing yourself that it will get batter and is only a small bump in the road, because you don't want to loose that person - the person supporting you for the past X years/months.

 

Looking back, this is how I was. You can't be dependent on the other person to make you happy or always using them as a crutch for support. Some things you have to tackle on your own. I had this problem.