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Rough Spot

dichotomy

By dichotomy
in Infidelity

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dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

Posted
Posted

BH here.

 

WW had some progress with a new therapist earlier in the year, things were improving but then we hit a rough few months (not really anyone’s fault - health issues) and wife can't seem to get back on track with therapists suggestions and directions. No sex for last 10 weeks. Now I am getting angry/depressed and triggering hard. Have not felt this bad in a while.

 

...and just now - an old college girlfriend sends me an email out of the blue "hey Dichotomy, been a while, what you been up to, give me a call.. here is my phone number..."

 

Ugh... No I did not call her... but phhuk me. God is messing with me - I know it. :confused:

  • Like 2
Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

Posted
Posted

Harmless call. Just do it. You of all people know your boundaries.

RightThere Established Member

RightThere

Posted
Posted
BH here.

 

WW had some progress with a new therapist earlier in the year, things were improving but then we hit a rough few months (not really anyone’s fault - health issues) and wife can't seem to get back on track with therapists suggestions and directions. No sex for last 10 weeks. Now I am getting angry/depressed and triggering hard. Have not felt this bad in a while.

 

...and just now - an old college girlfriend sends me an email out of the blue "hey Dichotomy, been a while, what you been up to, give me a call.. here is my phone number..."

 

Ugh... No I did not call her... but phhuk me. God is messing with me - I know it. :confused:

 

Take your wife out. Don't talk about any of the bad stuff. Just have a good time as a couple.

 

Sorry to hear about the setbacks. Don't let it take your eyes off the ultimate goal.

  • Like 3
Clay Established Member

Clay

Posted
Posted

No Doubt you are in a rough spot. Try talking to the wife about how you feel frustrated over the lack of sex. Avoid if all possible talking to the other woman. Those things never end well. Imagine your wife is probably thinking that she is not being intimate with you and she is probably feeling self conscious. I hope you get it worked out.

 

Clay

  • Like 2
compulsivedancer Established Member

compulsivedancer

Posted
Posted
Take your wife out. Don't talk about any of the bad stuff. Just have a good time as a couple.

 

Sorry to hear about the setbacks. Don't let it take your eyes off the ultimate goal.

 

I like this idea. This probably has nothing to do with the affair and much more to do with the health issues. Also, if the two of you have been focusing on the lack of sex, she may be self conscious about her lack of interest. She's probably tired and not feeling well, and a bit down on herself to boot, especially if she realizes you're triggering.

 

You guys are a long ways out from the affair. A lot of couples go through slumps, and a lot of them are due to lack of desire because of health stuff.

 

But think about the things that make her happy and make her WANT physical intimacy - having a nice time with you, enjoying a romantic movie (or a scary movie - apparently this gets the adrenaline pumping and makes women horny).

 

It's hard to tell because - duh, you're posting on an infidelity forum, so of course you'll be focused on the affair here - but is it possible that you're still too focused on the affair? I know that you've kind of had to drag her through dealing with her own sh]t, but what help have you gotten? Were you really able to find that true forgiveness that allows you to let go of the affair and see her needs as a wife, or are you focused on the injustice of her not having sex with you (when, many many years ago she was always hot for him) ?

 

I hope I'm not being too harsh, and if I'm off-base, then I apologize, but it's been a long time for you and so if you can, please consider my questions and do some soul searching.

 

Good luck! I hope you both do well. Focus on having a good time, and she'll want to f*** your brains out (or make sweet love). Whichever. :D

  • Like 3
beach Established Member

beach

Posted
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It's her stuff to sift through. You can't control her.

 

You CAN control you - your choices. Do you think having her move out may motivate her to start changing hard and fast?

 

If you lay down consequences - it may stimulate her to grow.

  • Like 3
RightThere Established Member

RightThere

Posted
Posted
It's her stuff to sift through. You can't control her.

 

You CAN control you - your choices. Do you think having her move out may motivate her to start changing hard and fast?

 

If you lay down consequences - it may stimulate her to grow.

 

For someone named "Beach," I really thought you might have a sunnier disposition.

 

I don't think kicking her out is the next logical step here. It's just a rough patch as far as I can tell.

  • Like 1
beach Established Member

beach

Posted
Posted
For someone named "Beach," I really thought you might have a sunnier disposition.

 

I don't think kicking her out is the next logical step here. It's just a rough patch as far as I can tell.

 

She may only get motivated to change if she's "uncomfortable" - leaving things the same doesn't necessarily motivate someone to change.

 

She's obviously still selfish and thinking of herself if/since she isn't considering how her H feels without sex!

 

And a sunnier disposition has nothing to do with implementing things that invoke change - I know he cares about her - but her actions aren't showing SHE cares ENOUGH to consider how it's affecting him in a negative light.

 

She could be working on it - but obviously she's so comfortable that she hasn't made it HER priority!

Pretty.in.Pink Established Member

Pretty.in.Pink

Posted
Posted
Take your wife out. Don't talk about any of the bad stuff. Just have a good time as a couple.

 

Sorry to hear about the setbacks. Don't let it take your eyes off the ultimate goal.

 

Best advice!

2sure Established Member

2sure

Posted
Posted

Isn't this one of these conversations that should always be had in a healthy marriage, or especially in a marriage struggling to recover, and learning how to communicate honestly?

 

Put your feelings out there, in a non confrontational way, and tell her about the email, and your decision regarding it.

  • Like 3
Confused48 Established Member

Confused48

Posted
Posted

I'm with Beach on this. Dichotomy, 10 weeks is a very long time for a dry spell, IMHO. Maybe you and your WS are not compatible physically. Maybe you need to do a 180. Not sure if you did one before but now would seem to be the time to do it either the first time or again. Don't fake it. Do it. Kick her out or leave. And no easy take backs. Really move on if you have to. Intimacy is one of the most, if not the most, important aspects of a marriage. Don't keep trying with this person if she does not feel the same about intimacy with you that you feel for her. This should be a deal breaker for you. IMHO.

  • Author
dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I like this idea. This probably has nothing to do with the affair and much more to do with the health issues. Also, if the two of you have been focusing on the lack of sex, she may be self conscious about her lack of interest. She's probably tired and not feeling well, and a bit down on herself to boot, especially if she realizes you're triggering.

 

You guys are a long ways out from the affair. A lot of couples go through slumps, and a lot of them are due to lack of desire because of health stuff.

 

But think about the things that make her happy and make her WANT physical intimacy - having a nice time with you, enjoying a romantic movie (or a scary movie - apparently this gets the adrenaline pumping and makes women horny).

 

It's hard to tell because - duh, you're posting on an infidelity forum, so of course you'll be focused on the affair here - but is it possible that you're still too focused on the affair? I know that you've kind of had to drag her through dealing with her own sh]t, but what help have you gotten? Were you really able to find that true forgiveness that allows you to let go of the affair and see her needs as a wife, or are you focused on the injustice of her not having sex with you (when, many many years ago she was always hot for him) ?

 

I hope I'm not being too harsh, and if I'm off-base, then I apologize, but it's been a long time for you and so if you can, please consider my questions and do some soul searching.

 

Good luck! I hope you both do well. Focus on having a good time, and she'll want to f*** your brains out (or make sweet love). Whichever. :D

 

Yes I know the health/life issues rightly affected our sex life this time. Most times there has been no reasons other than her own struggles with her sexuality.

 

Part of the reason my anger spiked - is the health issues passed well over a week ago. We normally have regular weekly date nights, and when we finally got back to it - nothing. I took her to her favorite place she asked, we have a great time, dinner, drinks, then on to her favorite desert place. Back home, on the couch, then in bed with me rubbing her back and. her behind to her notable pleasure ..and then nothing. I was crushed. She basically said she needs more time to get back to connected with me after so many months with us being diverted with other issues. She said she could not just turn it on right away.

 

It has been a long while, the reconciliation has been dragged out. Longer than I have ever seen with any couple. Remorse and accountability took a very long time. Strangely with the remorse and accountability -and my feeling better about that - her sexual drive plummeted - particularly the type of sex she would engage in. Her current explanation is that certain types of sex she had were bad - just like the men she did it with. She lumps it all together as unhealthy. I am not talking anything truly kinky - normal stuff.

 

We are seeing a marriage therapist who is also a sex therapist. Until we went off the track with health and other issues and too a break - the sex therapist was really working on getting her to reignite her sexual passion and to see it as healthy and good. Bottom line I (we) have really good help - but I guess I just wanted to vent here.

beach Established Member

beach

Posted
Posted

And she hasn't provided other options for your pleasure in all that time?

 

If she hasn't - then she's still the same selfish woman only thinking of HERSELF - and that's what helped her to cheat.

 

If lay it out in simple terms "if you aren't willing to do this WITH me - I plan to find someone who will".

 

I still think she's "acting like" she was when she was cheating - so it makes no difference - she may as well BE cheating now IF she's not proactively making things BETTER with you by repairing the damage SHE caused!

  • Like 1
AlwaysGrowing Established Member

AlwaysGrowing

Posted
Posted

Then vent away. Sometimes it helps just to say it out loud to get it out of your head.

compulsivedancer Established Member

compulsivedancer

Posted
Posted

It probably doesn't help, but if she's really compartmentalized it that way, it's probably a lot of work to think about it another way. One week isn't a long time after you've been sick. She's probably exhausted - mentally as well and physically. It's hard to "get it up" for women when you feel that way.

 

Love and sex are not equivalent. Just remember, it's not about YOU and how she feels about you. It's about her own feelings about herself and sex in general. I know it's frustrating. Hang in there. Good luck.

  • Like 1
Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted

Oh man....just tell her the truth of ALL your feelings...tell her abouth the email and why it intrigues you....

 

Forget the therapist and all the respect and compassion.....AND JUST LAY IT OUT THERE with her....

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted

In the very best, strongest marriages....BOTH partners talk of attractions to other people...Imagine that confidence?

 

And TOGETHER they take steps to enforce the boundaries of their marriage and devise plans to make the relationship stronger.

 

I'm a huge advocate of counseling....and it's encouragement of courtesy, appreciation and respect...

 

But sometime you have to cut to the chase with brutal honesty and say, Hey! I feel tempted here.....and what can we do about it?????

  • Like 3
underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
Posted

Hang in there!!!! Keep up your vows and find strength where you can. I always love the ego boost I get from the good "come on" and then turning them down. Nothing like knowing someone else desires you and being strong enough to do the right thing.

  • Like 2
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dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Thank you again for all your replies. It was mostly venting in this thread.

 

The therapist has at times been very stern on her about the sex - almost angry with her. You can imagine my relief earlier this year - to see a pretty female therapist get into an argument with my wife about why she needs to get back to giving me frequent sex, and various sex acts, because there are not many men like me as husbands and this type of sex is healthy and right in marriage. In other words - the therapist is right on task and it helps to have a female tell her this - rather than me due to her past abuse issues.

 

One point about old GF. Frankly I am not attracted to her physically, and I do not want "her". I can also tell she would be a "bunny boiler" if I let her get her hands on me. There is no point therefore in mentioning her email. A larger related issue that I could bring up - but may not - is that I am yearning sexual touch and fun and passion. It has lowered my boundaries and has put me at risk - I have changed. It is not a self esteem issue - I fixed my self esteem issues in IC, it is only about wanting what rarely shows up anymore in our marriage.

 

I will keep working on it. We have a MC session every other week, and started back up last week. Since before the health issues - I saw my wife trying and succeeding with the therapist, things got better. I simply have to suck it up and try to be supportive again - instead of angry. I do still hold her past against her when we hit these rough spots that many marriages have -and that's my work.

Edited by dichotomy
underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
Posted
Thank you again for all your replies. It was mostly venting in this thread.

 

The therapist has at times been very stern on her about the sex - almost angry with her. You can imagine my relief earlier this year - to see a pretty female therapist get into an argument with my wife about why she needs to get back to giving me frequent sex, and various sex acts, because there are not many men like me as husbands and this type of sex is healthy and right in marriage. In other words - the therapist is right on task and it helps to have a female tell her this - rather than me due to her past abuse issues.

 

One point about old GF. Frankly I am not attracted to her physically, and I do not want "her". I can also tell she would be a "bunny boiler" if I let her get her hands on me. There is no point therefore in mentioning her email. A larger related issue that I could bring up - but may not - is that I am yearning sexual touch and fun and passion. It has lowered my boundaries and has put me at risk - I have changed. It is not a self esteem issue - I fixed my self esteem issues in IC, it is only about wanting what rarely shows up anymore in our marriage.

 

I will keep working on it. We have a MC session every other week, and started back up last week. Since before the health issues - I saw my wife trying and succeeding with the therapist, things got better. I simply have to suck it up and try to be supportive again - instead of angry. I do still hold her past against her when we hit these rough spots that many marriages have -and that's my work.

Have you talked to her about this. Might shock her to know that the fallout from her affair leaves you open to the extra attention. Not saying you would ever do anything, but that it sits back there festering. That we associate any disconnection from them as behavior that allowed them to have the affair. And that our vows were already broken by them, so it makes it easier to say f*** it.

  • Like 3
Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted

I told my H how vulnerable I felt while reconciling if I sensed he was falling back into that complacent, secure I'm married and it ALL okay.....because it wasn't.

 

I NEEDED attention, flirting, dating, desire from him and told him so.

I needed fun too!

 

I also told him about every come on and flirt, something I had never done because it seemed crass and of no import to our relationship.

 

I was protecting his feelings by keeping stupid secrets. Don't do that!

 

Whether you desire the xGF or not, you MUST TELL your wife about every fishing expedition or friendly discourse with anyone of the opposite sex immediately.

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