Guy doesn't inititate: Not interested?

[simsim]

Sigh I HATE that I keep overthinking these things but I need a little advice! I think I'm getting my hopes up a little too much about someone and need an outsider's view.

 

Me=25, Him=28. We met through a dating app. Have had 5 dates so far. SO into him. Which sucks I know, because it's always one person who's way more into the other. My entire life, I've never been that person. Always been the dumper, always ran away from guys who I felt were coming on too strong. Of course, I've also probably jumped the gun and had sex too early. I find that guys can be extremely clingy after sex. At the same time, I never felt head over heels for any of them.

 

This one = total package. Makes my head spin. I've only known him a month but I have never felt this way. I admire his confidence, his wit, his ability to playfully tease, his non-clinginess. He absolutely sets me on fire when I'm around him.

 

Here's the deal though. We haven't talked about feelings yet, or past relationships, or what we're "looking for," blah blah. I wasn't even CLOSE to wanting a serious relationship, even when I agreed to meet with him, and have kept it very light and playful. I'm honestly shell shocked I have fallen for him like I have - I think it's because of this fun, no-pressure aura he emits.

 

At the same time he's a total gentleman. He's talked about how much it means to him to be a good father one day. He's talked about his faith and being close to his family. He kissed me on date 3 and date 5...very sweet, romantic kisses that lingered but didn't involve tongue. I've been over to his place a couple times and have fallen asleep in his arms. I've never moved at a pace like this and it totally has me walking around on cloud 9. I must stress that I WOULD BE DOWN to sleep together, but HE seems to be the one to want to move at a snail's pace, sex wise.

 

Being around him, I feel like he's into me. However, he rarely initiates texts. I try to let him, but if more than a day goes by without talking to him, I end up texting him something I know he'd find funny or weird, a pic of my Halloween costume, a pic from a sporting event...that kind of stuff. I've never told him I want to hear from him more or anything. I keep it light.

 

Thing is, he always texts me back. Lately, he's been texting me back a lot quicker than he did the first couple weeks. Good texts, not one word answers or anything. He just never initiates! One time when we were drinking, he said something to the effect of "yeah you gotta leave them wanting more!" when we were talking about dating tactics. In hindsight I really wish I would've quipped "Oh yeah? Is that what you're doing to me?" with a sly grin, but I just didn't have the cajones. We've never told each other we're attracted to one another, but I feel like it's been pretty obvious with the physical chemistry and interactions on our dates.

 

We've kind of been switching back and forth asking each other out. Neither one of us has flaked, said "no" or "sorry can't make it that day" to an invitation so far. I saw him last Saturday and last Wednesday. We don't have any hang outs scheduled now, and it's driving me nuts! I invited him to a game on Wednesday, we had a great time. Thanked him on Thursday via text, we went back and forth a little about the game. Friday I texted him a picture and he responded positively. Saturday I texted him a random question and he answered quickly. Sunday I texted him about something that happened I found hilarious and he seemed to find it amusing. I don't know...he doesn't seem turned off by me getting in contact.

 

I guess I feel like I just keep texting him to try to bait him into inviting me over or out to do something? Maybe I'm not up to speed on how real dating works, like maybe you don't communicate every day. It's just making me paranoid that he's not interested. He sent the last text in our conversation, but it was merely a response, and my GFs tell me to stop trying to talk to him, that he'll chat me up/ask me out again in due time if it's meant to be. I understand that soon I'll need to communicate to him how I really feel, but I want to do that in person...and I want him to be the one to ask me out on the next date! I know it's a new millennium and us women just need to go after it, but deep down I just really want him to pursue me. Because if I pursued him and he just went along with it, I might not know until my heart is broken.

 

I know we're playing games. But without the games, there's no tension, there's no build up, no courtship-phase-excitement. I won't lie, I'm kind of addicted to the way he does things. The only caveat: I really want to believe he likes me but is purposely making me sweat a little, rather than not really feeling it and just texting me back out of courtesy.

 

Also, yes I know a phone call would clear things up more. But I can't talk on the phone, I get nervous, my voice shakes. Just never been a chat on the phone kind of person. It's texting or face to face.

[MrCastle]

He's right though. You do have to leave them wanting more.

 

Ideally I'd like a 50/50 deal where we both initiate, but I'm content with always being the one to initiate provided she is warm and receptive when it happens and it doesn't feel like I'm smothering her.

 

You can try to let on that you are scared that you're annoying him since you're always the one to initiate, or you can be super vulnerable, not initiate and see how long it takes him to reach out. But the result may upset you.

[simsim]

He's right though. You do have to leave them wanting more.

 

Ideally I'd like a 50/50 deal where we both initiate, but I'm content with always being the one to initiate provided she is warm and receptive when it happens and it doesn't feel like I'm smothering her.

 

You can try to let on that you are scared that you're annoying him since you're always the one to initiate, or you can be super vulnerable, not initiate and see how long it takes him to reach out. But the result may upset you.

 

It might upset me, but at least I'll know he's not interested, right?

 

I mean I can't imagine him thinking I'M not interested if I wait for him to text. I feel like I text him all the time! There's no way in a week he goes "Welp, haven't heard from her, guess she's not interested!" More like "Oh thank god she stopped texting me, I thought I'd have to tell her I just wasn't feeling it."

 

So I guess it's a win-win situation if I sit back and wait for him. 1) I win if I find out he was never that interested to begin with and can move on, 2) I win if he initiates a conversation or asks me out without me doing it first.

 

yaaaa?

[d0nnivain]

When I first met & started dating my husband he moved at a snail's pace I was sooooo frustrated. He didn't even kiss me until our 3rd date, nor did he give me a natural opportunity to kiss him. I had worn the shortest skirt I own that night & was planning to break it off if he didn't do something. . .

 

Once we did kiss things progressed at a slow but steady pace. I was still a bit frustrated but willing to go at his pace.

 

Looking back it makes me think the deliberate guys are the keepers. Good luck.

[simsim]

When I first met & started dating my husband he moved at a snail's pace I was sooooo frustrated. He didn't even kiss me until our 3rd date, nor did he give me a natural opportunity to kiss him. I had worn the shortest skirt I own that night & was planning to break it off if he didn't do something. . .

 

Once we did kiss things progressed at a slow but steady pace. I was still a bit frustrated but willing to go at his pace.

 

Looking back it makes me think the deliberate guys are the keepers. Good luck.

 

ugh you are so right! I've never had a shortage of guys interested in me, but NONE of them seemed to want to take their time getting to know me/get physical like this one. It feels amazing. It feels like he's not the kind of guy to go around spurting his honey into every flower he sees.

[jphcbpa]

ugh you are so right! I've never had a shortage of guys interested in me, but NONE of them seemed to want to take their time getting to know me/get physical like this one. It feels amazing. It feels like he's not the kind of guy to go around spurting his honey into every flower he sees.

 

good you see that...enjoy where you are, enjoy the now and don't over think it. keep it light, playful and fun

 

this is not the time to mind *&%# it

[clia]

You need to pull back and let him text you first. He's right -- you do need to leave him wanting more! Think about how you start to feel when you haven't heard from him in eight hours...twelve hours...sixteen hours...twenty hours....etc. You start to think about him, right? Wonder what he is doing? Want to talk to him? Let him feel that way about you. Let him reach out to you when he gets to the point to where he can't stand wondering anymore what you are doing and why you haven't contacted him. It's perfectly fine to go a day or two (or even three) at this point in the relationship without speaking. You don't need to talk to him every day. If you give him a chance to miss you, it might make him realize how much he likes you.

 

That said, there is nothing wrong with going slow, but...

 

We've kind of been switching back and forth asking each other out. Neither one of us has flaked, said "no" or "sorry can't make it that day" to an invitation so far. I saw him last Saturday and last Wednesday. We don't have any hang outs scheduled now, and it's driving me nuts! I invited him to a game on Wednesday, we had a great time. Thanked him on Thursday via text, we went back and forth a little about the game. Friday I texted him a picture and he responded positively. Saturday I texted him a random question and he answered quickly. Sunday I texted him about something that happened I found hilarious and he seemed to find it amusing. I don't know...he doesn't seem turned off by me getting in contact.

 

It's concerning to me that after five dates he didn't ask to see you over the weekend. Do you know if he had prior plans for Friday or Saturday night? What was he doing? Who was he with? In my experience, the guys who are really interested will book up your weekend evening(s). Five dates in is typically getting to the point where things should be moving in a more serious direction. But here you are, five days since you last saw him, and still have no plans in sight for a sixth date. That raises my hackles.

 

Whatever you do, don't ask him out for date six. You asked him out last -- it's his turn to step up to the plate. But I have to say...it's concerning to me that he went all weekend without seeing you.

[simsim]

You need to pull back and let him text you first. He's right -- you do need to leave him wanting more! Think about how you start to feel when you haven't heard from him in eight hours...twelve hours...sixteen hours...twenty hours....etc. You start to think about him, right? Wonder what he is doing? Want to talk to him? Let him feel that way about you. Let him reach out to you when he gets to the point to where he can't stand wondering anymore what you are doing and why you haven't contacted him. It's perfectly fine to go a day or two (or even three) at this point in the relationship without speaking. You don't need to talk to him every day. If you give him a chance to miss you, it might make him realize how much he likes you.

 

That said, there is nothing wrong with going slow, but...

 

It's concerning to me that after five dates he didn't ask to see you over the weekend. Do you know if he had prior plans for Friday or Saturday night? What was he doing? Who was he with? In my experience, the guys who are really interested will book up your weekend evening(s). Five dates in is typically getting to the point where things should be moving in a more serious direction. But here you are, five days since you last saw him, and still have no plans in sight for a sixth date. That raises my hackles.

 

Whatever you do, don't ask him out for date six. You asked him out last -- it's his turn to step up to the plate. But I have to say...it's concerning to me that he went all weekend without seeing you.

 

Thanks for the great advice!!! I will sit back and let him contact me. I know I need to be patient. It makes me happy that it's normal to go 2-3 days without communication. Hell, if I were in a R with him, I'd totally give him all the space he needs! As long as I know I'll see him again!

 

One thing is, he's a huge college FB fan and I think Saturdays are usually his hang-out-with-buddies day. I did see him last Saturday and a Friday night before that. And he's invited me to both weekend days, I invited him to 2 dates that both fell on weekdays. Also, I was swamped Friday with a game and a Halloween party that he knew about, and texted pictures from both.

[todreaminblue]

I proetct my heart because i know i have to , and many of the guys who are interested and pursue me are not right for my heart , they would kill it...the two sides fo the spectrum the clingy guy pursues and also the agressive guy pursues...neither are right for my heart.A courterwith no tongue is right for my heart....smiling...you found yours ....so be relaxed .

 

There's a difference between old fashioned courting and pursuing for sex.Sounds like he is courting you.

 

 

Courting is determined but non invasive, sounds the type with no tongue adn faith etc that yuou have put in your post to court.Peopel of faith if true to it, are normally honest and go forward with good intentions

 

 

 

You said faith, yes well, welcome to your calm courter....respectful determination, this guy is serious about you as in long term potential make sure it is what you want then initiate the texts let him know what you like he will respect you and your wishes, he isnt going to let you tread all over him, he is a man on a mission.

 

Dont mistake that for apathy or for insecurity,todays world doesnt hold many courters they are a rare breed, and actually dominant over players, because you dont or cant quite work them out, players are obviousas are clingers., he knows what he is doing, he is treading the path lightly because he is working you out, he isnt a fool .

 

 

Now if you are a player you can play with him if you want,you will not win, he is calm.I don't think you are a player, you sound nervous and invested and hopeful, dont be nerovous relax a little, the guy likes you.He just isnt up for games or to be trodden on, he is setting the pace you either walk it with him, or go your own way.He is serious not a pushover ....congrats hope you get exactyl what you need.....sounds like it is him...;0)...and he knows it....lol.....

Edited November 4, 2013 by todreaminblue

[Leigh 87]

Guys who are interested don't need days without communication.

 

Guys who are that into you initiate 50% or more of the texts.

 

If he really liked you, he'd have set up another date to see you after 5 days without seeing you.

 

He'd have told you that he misses you by now if you knocked his socks off.

 

It sounds like he isn't that into you, yet does really like you as a person.

 

I'd move on. I'd be open to being pleasantly surprised, if he changed he's tune and his actions started to show be really WAS into you.. However, I wouldn't expect it.

[henderson14]

Your getting what you deserve. You don't want to date guys who "come on too strong" AKA like you, and you're always the one dumped. So quit dating the guys who don't like you and start dating he ones that do.

[Phoe]

ugh you are so right! I've never had a shortage of guys interested in me, but NONE of them seemed to want to take their time getting to know me/get physical like this one. It feels amazing. It feels like he's not the kind of guy to go around spurting his honey into every flower he sees.

 

It feels strange at first, but it's actually quite pleasant. I can't really offer much on whether your guy is or isn't interested, I'd say Castle's post probably sums up your options best.

 

 

My last boyfriend did not kiss me until we'd been dating for almost 2 months. I had pecks on the cheek and he kissed my hand a few times, but kiss on the lips? He took 2 months. I was worried he wasn't interested, but he's just a slow mover.

[StanMusial]

Sigh I HATE that I keep overthinking these things but I need a little advice! I think I'm getting my hopes up a little too much about someone and need an outsider's view.

 

Me=25, Him=28. We met through a dating app. Have had 5 dates so far. SO into him. Which sucks I know, because it's always one person who's way more into the other. My entire life, I've never been that person. Always been the dumper, always ran away from guys who I felt were coming on too strong. Of course, I've also probably jumped the gun and had sex too early. I find that guys can be extremely clingy after sex. At the same time, I never felt head over heels for any of them.

 

This one = total package. Makes my head spin. I've only known him a month but I have never felt this way. I admire his confidence, his wit, his ability to playfully tease, his non-clinginess. He absolutely sets me on fire when I'm around him.

 

Here's the deal though. We haven't talked about feelings yet, or past relationships, or what we're "looking for," blah blah. I wasn't even CLOSE to wanting a serious relationship, even when I agreed to meet with him, and have kept it very light and playful. I'm honestly shell shocked I have fallen for him like I have - I think it's because of this fun, no-pressure aura he emits.

 

 

It sounds like he has you all figured out.

 

Enjoy the ride.