Why don't people who cheat break the relationship off before cheating?

[peruano99]

This is something I always wondered...

[liloldlady]

Financial. Fear of change. Comfortable in current situation.

[peruano99]

Financial. Fear of change. Comfortable in current situation.

 

Interesting .

[RightThere]

My STBXW told every single one of the guys she cheated on me with that:

 

"I'll never leave my husband."

 

It dawned on me much later how odd I found that. But I'm not going to bother asking her why now.

[anne1707]

Financial. Fear of change. Comfortable in current situation.

 

In some cases yes. In other cases it is because the WS loves the BS.

[peruano99]

If the person loved the person they are in a relationship, they would think really hard before cheating and try to avoid doing it.

[threelaurels]

Because most WS do not percieve having an A as a real "risk" to their marriage. They don't think they'll ever be caught. They think they can go have fun on the side, promise the world to another person, and then cut it off before they get in too deep.

 

If you actually listen to WS talk instead of listening to everyone else's opinions on the matter, this is the most common reason you'll find.

[anne1707]

If the person loved the person they are in a relationship, they would think really hard before cheating and try to avoid doing it.

 

Unfortunately the WS can often be too selfish and wrapped up in themselves and the excitement of the affair to actually do the decent thing of thinking about someone else first.

[Faery]

I am new here. Wish I would have thought about seeking out such a site during my own brush with cheating. But still, i managed to dump his sorry ass before the deal was done. But his cheating was a minor problem in the relationship. Even if he hadn't cheated on me the relationship was doomed.

 

But I don't think it really is as simple as choosing between f****** and leaving. It seems to me affairs are often born out of irrational behavior or thinking. And so from the other side it may look simple and easy to avoid or choose right unless we are in that situation... Dunno, just a thought but I don't really think all affairs are a matter of dump then pump or whatever.

[liloldlady]

In some cases yes. In other cases it is because the WS loves the BS.

 

I can imagine loving someone and being grateful they helped me through a rough time. But if I'm seeking and desiring eroticism from elsewhere, can't speak for anyone else, but I'm guessing something is missing from the primary relationship.

[dichotomy]

Better for kids to stay

Don’t want to leave the current marriage lifestyle/community/home

Believe in loving more than one person at a time

The affair fills only a special niche/need and is not meant to replace

[Arty54]

They want the best of both worlds, have their cake and eat it!

Having been the cheater and lost everything I would NEVER cheat on someone again as I know the pain that it can cause, it just isn't worth it, want to move on with someone else, end the current relationship first, treat people how you wish to be treated, I learnt the hard way!

[AlwaysGrowing]

A myriad of reasons. For some, I am sure it is because they feel entitled, financial, comfortable and because they do love their spouse.

 

The choice to cheat, speaks to the emotional immaturity of the WS at that time. Many get caught up in the moment and take a break from themselves. Only to find the price they paid was way, way too high. And I am not talking about consequences that others might give them. Its the consequences that they gave themselves, they killed a part of themselves, someone who they were proud of.

 

Some of the people I respect the most, are those that have taken a dark path, and returned. There is a knowingness about them, they see things....way way down the road. They appreciate all things in life, they enjoy the little things, they are so very interesting to talk to....their thoughts enlightening. I have learned much from them.

[Sub]

I'd guess kids are a big part of it. Apart from the effects an A or D would have on a child, the WS may think nobody could replace their BS as a parent to the child they share. Even if WS doesn't have the same emotional attachment to their spouse they once had.

[anne1707]

I can imagine loving someone and being grateful they helped me through a rough time. But if I'm seeking and desiring eroticism from elsewhere, can't speak for anyone else, but I'm guessing something is missing from the primary relationship.

 

Eroticism? Sounds a tad delusional to me.

 

Cake eating. Plain and simple.

[liloldlady]

Because most WS do not percieve having an A as a real "risk" to their marriage. They don't think they'll ever be caught.

 

I dunno, he said to me a LONG time ago: just because we think we're getting away with something doesn't mean that we are. So of course this doesn't apply to every situation, but in some cases chicks know but haven't said anything.

[threelaurels]

I can imagine loving someone and being grateful they helped me through a rough time. But if I'm seeking and desiring eroticism from elsewhere, can't speak for anyone else, but I'm guessing something is missing from the primary relationship.

 

Unless you have cheated, you aren't qualified to make that judgement.

 

If a person can love more than one child, a person can love more than one partner. Having desire for someone outside the M does not mean the primary relationship is lacking in any way.

[BetrayedH]

In some cases yes. In other cases it is because the WS loves the BS.

 

I sure wish you would post more often. This place needs it.

 

Hope you are well, anne.

[yellowmaverick]

I can imagine loving someone and being grateful they helped me through a rough time. But if I'm seeking and desiring eroticism from elsewhere, can't speak for anyone else, but I'm guessing something is missing from the primary relationship.

 

Sometimes it's as simple as they took advantage of an opportunity. Not sure that getting a BJ in the backseat of a dirty car and in a 2-star hotel is all that erotic, but then again I have never been that hard up.

[BetrayedH]

...but I'm guessing something is missing from the primary relationship.

 

This is certainly intuitive but there have been WAY too many waywards here that started their first post saying that they have good marriages and great spouses but they cheated anyway; in many cases, you have to look deeper.

[RightThere]

This is certainly intuitive but there have been WAY too many waywards here that started their first post saying that they have good marriages and great spouses but they cheated anyway; in many cases, you have to look deeper.

 

And a lot of the times it's really not that deep. They're just selfish.

[liloldlady]

Unless you have cheated, you aren't qualified to make that judgement.

 

If a person can love more than one child, a person can love more than one partner.

 

But you're forgetting sex. Sex is a very powerful mode of expression. It makes some people quite territorial.

 

There's so many different types of love anyway...

[threelaurels]

But you're forgetting sex. Sex is a very powerful mode of expression. It makes some people quite territorial.

 

There's so many different types of love anyway...

 

I don't understand what you're trying to say.

[BetrayedH]

And a lot of the times it's really not that deep. They're just selfish.

 

I'm not sure that we're disagreeing here. My point was that it's many times not the marriage or the BS at all (even though it seems intuitive to say that "they weren't getting their needs met at home"). Sometimes the wayward is, in fact, the more benefitted partner in the marriage but the wayward just wanted "more." I think many (most?) waywards would admit their actions were selfish. Some just "didn't think" and compartmentalized. Some thought they would never get caught and so there would be no harm done.

 

In some other cases, there were legitimate marital problems that were factors in the decision to cheat. My exwife said she had been unhappy for two years. It was news to me. She simply lacked the courage to address them. I think cowardice (conflict-avoidance) can be another factor. I mean, she literally switched to 2% milk and low-fat Triscuits thinking I would get the hint about needing me to lose weight.

 

Why do people cheat instead of fixing or ending the marriage? To me, most answers get down to an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, an excessive need for external validation, or severe conflict-avoidance. Sometimes it's a combination. Those things fall on the wayward. All marriages have marital problems but something in the wayward chose this as a coping mechanism (much like others do with drugs, alcohol, video games, or porn). It's a hell of a mistake.

 

Fortunately, many people escape from using unhealthy coping mechanisms and it doesn't define who they are as a person. And in the case of infidelity, it doesn't have to define the marriage or betrayed spouse either.

[RightThere]

I'm not sure that we're disagreeing here. My point was that it's many times not the marriage or the BS at all (even though it seems intuitive to say that "they weren't getting their needs met at home"). Sometimes the wayward is, in fact, the more benefitted partner in the marriage but the wayward just wanted "more." I think many (most?) waywards would admit their actions were selfish. Some just "didn't think" and compartmentalized. Some thought they would never get caught and so there would be no harm done.

 

In some other cases, there were legitimate marital problems that were factors in the decision to cheat. My exwife said she had been unhappy for two years. It was news to me. She simply lacked the courage to address them. I think cowardice (conflict-avoidance) can be another factor. I mean, she literally switched to 2% milk and low-fat Triscuits thinking I would get the hint about needing me to lose weight.

 

Why do people cheat instead of fixing or ending the marriage? To me, most answers get down to an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, an excessive need for external validation, or severe conflict-avoidance. Sometimes it's a combination. Those things fall on the wayward. All marriages have marital problems but something in the wayward chose this as a coping mechanism (much like others do with drugs, alcohol, video games, or porn). It's a hell of a mistake.

 

Fortunately, many people escape from using unhealthy coping mechanisms and it doesn't define who they are as a person. And in the case of infidelity, it doesn't have to define the marriage or betrayed spouse either.

 

That is almost poetic.