maznblu16 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 This is my first post, so Im not sure how to start things out, but I recently identified as being 'love addicted' which I found out falls under the category of sex addiction. Heres the deal, my husband is fantastic, and he understands (to a certain point) all that I struggle with, and has stood by my side and supported me through mutiple emotional and physical affairs. However, its like because I Know he won't leave me, I think it gives me permission to find another 'victim' to reel in and flirt with, until he finds out and the cycle restarts. Selfish and stupid....I know. My question here....how do I know if Im doing this because its truly the addiction....or am I sabotaging my marriage because I just don't feel connected to my spouse anymore? Married 6 years been together 9 3 small children Me 31 him 42
ChooseTruth Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Your decisions are your decisions. Take responsibility for your own actions. 4
painfullyobvious Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 I think this is an issue you and a therapist need to address. Are you in counseling if not go.
RightThere Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 "Real" sex addiction is rare. Poor self esteem and need for constant validation all the while abusing your current husband is a choice people make. Leave the poor man because he obviously won't leave your abusive relationship. 6
Mr. Lucky Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 am I sabotaging my marriage because I just don't feel connected to my spouse anymore? You've got it backwards - you don't feel connected to your spouse because you've sabotaged your marriage. And I love this strategy of subtly enabling people to act out and cheat through the use of acronyms, phantom disorders and fake diseases. You're not unfaithful, you're "love addicted". Sheesh ... Mr. Lucky 9
RightThere Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Selfish and stupid....I know. I don't think you truly do "know". If you really felt it was selfish and stupid, you would correct the action or remove the people you are hurting. Putting a name to your addiction is only enabling you to say "If it wasn't for this cursed addiction, I wouldn't do what I do." But you're treating it like it's another part of you that you don't own or control. It's not your addiction, it's YOU that's cheating on your husband and abusing him. 2
jphcbpa Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 You've got it backwards - you don't feel connected to your spouse because you've sabotaged your marriage. And I love this strategy of subtly enabling people to act out and cheat through the use of acronyms, phantom disorders and fake diseases. You're not unfaithful, you're "love addicted". Sheesh ... Mr. Lucky people use to think this way about alcoholics.
jphcbpa Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 OP, Are you in therapy? Are you in a 12 step based recovery? What were your R's like prior to your M? Were they love addicted/sex addicted too?
ChooseTruth Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 people use to think this way about alcoholics. but this part is spot on: "You've got it backwards - you don't feel connected to your spouse because you've sabotaged your marriage." 2
AlwaysGrowing Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 This is my first post, so Im not sure how to start things out, but I recently identified as being 'love addicted' which I found out falls under the category of sex addiction. Heres the deal, my husband is fantastic, and he understands (to a certain point) all that I struggle with, and has stood by my side and supported me through mutiple emotional and physical affairs. However, its like because I Know he won't leave me, I think it gives me permission to find another 'victim' to reel in and flirt with, until he finds out and the cycle restarts. Selfish and stupid....I know. My question here....how do I know if Im doing this because its truly the addiction....or am I sabotaging my marriage because I just don't feel connected to my spouse anymore? Married 6 years been together 9 3 small children Me 31 him 42 Ever hear of the saying "A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client." The same can be said for being your own psychiatrist. 3
dichotomy Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Do you feel the need to constantly chase the next "high" from another person? In other words, you like new and strange - and get bored even with one affair - and move on to the next affair? Or is it you simply like having multiple (poly) love relationships at the same time? Or is it that you have major issues with your marriage and husband - needs not met, or not compatible? Or is there something inside you - esteme, needs, or maybe hurts?
Mr. Lucky Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 people use to think this way about alcoholics. You are correct. And yet, not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic. Just as not every WS is helplessly in the throes of some loosely defined ailment. Some are just weak and selfish... Mr. Lucky 2
2sure Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 When did you start cheating in your husband? My X was a serial cheater , he liked to have constant new validation. Have you been diagnosed with this addiction? Has your doctor offered to treat it as an addiction?
Oberfeldwebel Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 If you want to leave your husband, fine that is your right, but have the intestinal fortitude to tell him and develop a co-parenting plan. Your children are young, but still learn from your behavior. The question is what are they learning? Do you want them to emulate your current behavior? If you continue this behavior of skipping from man to man, then you run the potential of having them repeating your behavior. I think that it is time that you put on your big girl pants and take responsibility for your actions.
Bryanp Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Is it possible that not all of your children are your husband's? I have a hunch if your husband told you that the marriage is over and he will be leaving to find another woman who treats him with respect; your love addiction would end immediately. How would you feel if your husband humiliated disrespected you the way you do to your husband? 3
underwater2010 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 This is my first post, so Im not sure how to start things out, but I recently identified as being 'love addicted' which I found out falls under the category of sex addiction. Where/Who gave you this identification? First, I have never heard of it. Second, does it mean that you look for long term "love" or is it the endorphins you get from new attraction? Because if it is the endorphins, you can get those from working out too. Heres the deal, my husband is fantastic, and he understands (to a certain point) all that I struggle with, and has stood by my side and supported me through mutiple emotional and physical affairs. You have to be one of the luckiest ladies I know. Why are you disrespecting him so much? However, its like because I Know he won't leave me, I think it gives me permission to find another 'victim' to reel in and flirt with, until he finds out and the cycle restarts. So you have the mentality of a child being caught with the hand in the cookie jar. Yep I got in trouble, but since they are up there I will do it again because they are good and I can. If I sound a little rude...it because my FWH's MOW has your same mentality. It reeks of...I don't care who I hurt as long as I get what I want. I think it is sad and sick at the same time. Selfish and stupid....I know. My question here....how do I know if Im doing this because its truly the addiction....or am I sabotaging my marriage because I just don't feel connected to my spouse anymore? You will NEVER feel connected to your spouse until you put the time and effort into him that you put into these other men. I personally don't think it is an addiction...more of you don't care to do the work or change your behavior. And why would you....it would require you to face yourself, admit that you are being bad, realize that you don't mind hurting other people and look at what might be lacking in your marriage. Married 6 years been together 9 3 small children Me 31 him 42 Please see above and get into IC asap. This is not normal or beneficial for anyone you are involved with. 1
KathyM Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I think there is such a thing as being addicted to sex. Sex produces brain chemicals that make a person crave it more, but unfortunately, you've allowed yourself to seek satisfaction outside of your marriage, and your spouse is enabling it by staying with you. As long as you are getting away with cheating on your spouse and your spouse is tolerating it, you will not be motivated enough to change, unless you decide for yourself that this is not the kind of person you want to be. It might help to make out a list of what is important to you. Make a list of the reasons you want to change. Avoid putting yourself in situations where you will be tempted to engage in infidelity. Put a block on certain websites that might be enabling you to cheat. And when you start having thoughts of cheating, redirect that attention/energy to your spouse, or masturbation if he is not there, or something that is also satisfying or fun, but doesn't involve sex. You treat this addiction just like you would an alcohol addiction: outlining your motivation for change, removing temptations as much as possible, having boundaries in place, and having a plan/course of action of what to do when you feel the desire to cheat, to redirect your thoughts/actions to something that is also pleasurable but not harmful to you or your marriage/family. 1
SoAlone88 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Hi It's more than just sex you know! It's about feeling connected, chased, wanted and being the prize of the other person's eye! spouses often lose their significant others when they get in dole drum ruts. I see that with you. You're hot and just because you have 3 small kids doesn't mean you can't be wanted by other men, like me! I mean that in a way that is safe because you don't feel connected to him and need a safe relationship without killing off your marriage. Once you have someone who can agree to those terms, you are in a good spot to get your needs met without collapsing the house. I've been lurking here for awhile. It both amazes me and disgusts me how WS and APs use the BS to justify their actions. If the love of a relationship is gone then either go to counseling together or divorce. Period. The BS deserves more than half a spouse/partner. You are breaking promises you made each other and you are also cheating them out of a life with someone who loves them when you cheat. Even if a WS does eventually leave it can take a BS years to reach the point to where they can trust someone enough to be in a relationship again. Hell, they might not ever be able to do that. 4
Stellar Wench Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Self identification of love addiction is convenient, but won't get you what you need. How soon after you got caught did you have this epiphany? 1
Spark1111 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 This is my first post, so Im not sure how to start things out, but I recently identified as being 'love addicted' which I found out falls under the category of sex addiction. Heres the deal, my husband is fantastic, and he understands (to a certain point) all that I struggle with, and has stood by my side and supported me through mutiple emotional and physical affairs. However, its like because I Know he won't leave me, I think it gives me permission to find another 'victim' to reel in and flirt with, until he finds out and the cycle restarts. Selfish and stupid....I know. My question here....how do I know if Im doing this because its truly the addiction....or am I sabotaging my marriage because I just don't feel connected to my spouse anymore? Married 6 years been together 9 3 small children Me 31 him 42 uh....your H is not a part of your pathology. You are emotionally very immature and believe TRUE LOVE is that heady, giggly, stage of Limerance which is fueled by hormones and the early phase of attraction...something we all experienced at 15, 16, 17 years of age... It RARELY lasts more than two years ( longer in an affair when you cannot have daily access to each other) and your brain chemistry is similar to a cocaine addict. many women suffer from this, also known as "Romanticism." romanticism, or the belief in it, has probably killed more good marriages than anything else. read Dr. Frank Pittman. and read ANYTHING on the stages of a long-term relationship and what it takes to reach "mature love." OR, you can throw away many a good man in the pursuit of the butterflies in the stomach feeling. Which translates to a NEW man every two to four years. The choice is your's .....and 3 or 4 marriages and 7 to 8 partners could be your's too. 3
Author maznblu16 Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 Spark1111 hit the nail on the head. It is absolute romaticism, and I am now beginning to understand that he/she is absolutely right, I will end up married 12 more times and not be happy, or figure out how to truly make my marriage last with a Genuinely Great man. I read somewhere on here that someone had recommended the book 'Not Just Friends' so I started reading that, but youre right, I should find some material on long-term marriages and add that to my reading list. For your response, I thank you. For others that are not aware of how emotional affairs can become a part of your life, its not something I chose to happen to me, and I am in intensive counseling, both individual and marriage. So, yes, there is more than one professional that agress that this is the right track of focus, and that I am not in search of a new man, but rather, chasing the good feelings that come along with finding someone that feeds that part of my brain. It is Entirely an addiction, and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a very real group, that follows the 12 steps. I am slowly getting through this day by day, and appreciate all the feedback.
Try Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 (edited) However, its like because I Know he won't leave me, I think it gives me permission to find another 'victim' to reel in and flirt with, until he finds out and the cycle restarts. The issue is probably not that you are a sex addict, but that you are just a selfish person taking advantage of a husband that is too much of a nice guy for his own good. You cheat because you beleive that there will be no consequences to your cheating as your husband will always take you back. Rather than give you consequences, I am guessing that with every affair your nice guy husband works even harder to be the perfect spouse. Here is the rub. There really is a consequence to your cheating. With every affair, your husband is in fact giving up on you a little more. With every lie, he is disconnecting from you that much more. One day, when he finally tells you that the marraige is over, he will be done with you forever. There will be nothing left of you in his heart and he will end it with you and never look back. It will be the mother of all consequences, as it will be the sum total of all consequences for every affair rolled into one. At his age, he will learn that the math has changed and that there will be many good women lining up to be with him. He will quickly place his nice guy heart with one of them, and that will be that. He will never love you again and you will just be the mother of his children. Edited November 10, 2013 by Try 1
Recommended Posts