Boogoose Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Hi This is driving me crazy and I don't know what to do for the best so I'm going for some 'outside' advice please. My mum and my boyfriend have had a huge row and I'm stuck in the middle. We all went away for a long weekend and me and my bf went out alone for the night. He drank too much and got jealous and moody so we had a bit of a row and he went back to the apartment, I stayed out. Anyway, it turns out that my bf went back in a foul mood and he and my mother had a big set-to. From what I gather, she kicked off for him leaving me alone on my own (I'm 33!) and he being in a drunken horrible mood was horrible to her and used foul language and name calling. The next day when I was there, they continued with the row... Both calling each other nasty names. At this point I sided with my mum as I feel it was disgusting the way he spoke to her and I still can't get that out of my head. That said, I also watched her bait him... Knowing he was in a foul mood she would start conversations about stuff she knows rattles him. He had actually raised this with me before and said he felt she was baiting him, I'd told him I'm sure she didn't mean it and tried to smooth it over but I watched it for myself and saw he was right. The argument kicked off because he was drunk and in a foul mood and ultimately because of the way he spoke, he's the one in the wrong and I'm disgusted with him so much so that I'm questioning our relationship. But my mum was not innocent in this, I can see that she was baiting him, trying to push buttons which she eventually managed to do. I've spoken to him and told him I need time to think as I can't get my head round his behaviour. I've also told him that I'm not prepared to live with someone that can behave so nastily when drunk, so if the relationship continues it's on the condition he stops drinking. My mum lectures me every chance she gets now about what a monster he is, she says she is the victim and she was nothing but nice to him... This isn't true and I told her I was disgusted by his behaviour but she was no innocent bystander and I'd seen her bait him and she was also guilty of name calling. She does not see this at all and is outraged at the idea she baited... I don't know if she's even aware of her behaviour. She said she shouldn't have to walk on eggshells to pander to his mood - that's not what I mean at all, I think it's unnecessary to start conversations which you know people are sensitive about or which irritates them and she definitely chose her topics to annoy him. She's now saying she won't ever speak to him again and that events such as birthdays and Xmas she and my dad won't be there if my bf is (Xmas day is usually at mine). She's trying to emotionally blackmail me so that I end it with my bf. she's calling me a doormat because I'm allowing him to behave like that (it seems I'm a doormat if I don't do as she says!) The thing is, my mum has turned into quite a bitter person. If someone does not agree with her, she knows better than them and suddenly dislikes them. She ruined my previous relationship by creating a massive row with her and my ex, she said that my ex said things and manipulated/used me... I don't think he did to be honest but the situation we were in meant I needed support from my mum for me and my ex to work (long distance). We ended the relationship and to this day she spits poison about him. My partner before him was a nice person almost horizontal he was so laid back and she managed to row with him and of course it's his fault, not hers. The relationship I had in my teenage years was a disaster, she met him once and he was banned from the house as she didn't like him...she met him twice in 5 years. Then theres my brothers ex wife who she fell out with and my other brother who passed away... She often falls out with his wife and tells me that she knows my bro would have left her. See a pattern here!? She can't, it's everyone else who is to blame... My problem here is my mum will NEVER accept any responsibility and will hold a grudge forever. I asked her to not put me in the middle and I told her I'm making my own decisions not bring pressured to do what she says. I asked her not to bad mouth my bf and said it's their issue not mine. The argument was definitely my bf's stupid and bad behaviour and he sees this and will work at making it right for me (incidentally he hasn't bad mouthed my mum to me at all since then, just said he felt she was at him a lot....but has not made any move to apologise to my mum and try to make it better) but there is no way to make my mum see her part in this and so while she continues to be like this, I'm stuck in the middle of this stupid row yet again. Oh and she managed to make sure my entire family have been told what a monster my bf is and how she was the victim of his bad behaviour so they all hate him too. How should I handle this? Thanks x
tunaluna Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 From what I can tell from your post, is that your bf shouldn't drink if he acts like that. 1) Your mom shouldn't have taken him serious knowing that he was drunk. 2)If you mom has a done this in the past you need to have a talk with her..... 3) I am sorry that they put you in the middle. Sadly my mom was like this with both my sister boyfriend and brothers girlfriend. She absolutely hated the people they dated and it got so bad that they went NC with her for 2 years. Eventually my sister got pregnant and things changed somehow now she loves both the person that my sister married and my brother gf. But now I have seen her focus turn to me and my gf....... All you can do is worn your current/future partner how your mom is. I also tend to ignore the advice she tries to give me because it so negative. I hope this somewhathelps and know that other people can relate to your story.
bubbaganoosh Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Why in Gods name would you take your mother with you and your boyfriend for a long weekend unless I'm missing something here.
CC12 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Why in Gods name would you take your mother with you and your boyfriend for a long weekend unless I'm missing something here. This is a good point. It sounds like you were all staying in the same room for a long weekend, and for me, that would be a little too close for comfort. Given your mom's history of arguing with your boyfriends, I think from now on you need to keep them more separate from each other. Your mom doesn't have to be buddies with your boyfriends. My mum and my boyfriend have had a huge row and I'm stuck in the middle You're not stuck in the middle unless you allow yourself to be. Being "stuck in the middle" implies that you have to choose a side. They were both so completely in the wrong that there's no side to take. You can just step away from it and say, "You both were at fault and you both behaved badly. You two need to work it out on your own." And until that happens, unfortunately it might mean that they won't be celebrating birthdays and holidays together. You didn't create this problem so you don't need to fix it by trying to make either of them admit wrongdoing and apologize.
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