mtnbiker3000 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Things I have learned about myself and my latest RS and BU: • I have weak boundaries • I have very low self-esteem / self-worth regarding certain critical areas of my life • I make poor decisions • In my RS, the emotional investment was completely one-sided • My ex was emotionally unwilling / uninterested • My ex used me while working through her own challenges, then quit me • My ex did not love me, but used me as a crutch and for support only • My ex deceived and manipulated me • I was familiar, comfortable and secure for my ex • I was merely a variable in an equation • I based my decisions and emotional investment on fantasy, illusion and fabrication • I ignored many red-flags • I ignored being treated poorly • I was afraid of being single and losing an attractive, younger woman • I was addicted to the RS and my ex • I was co-dependent 12
velozdelnorte Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Thats the first time i have ever seen how i was treated and let myself be treated, im not totally innocent ... but that list kinda summed up where im at now thanks well said. 2
Haydn Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Ditto mate. But i think we were taken for a ride. Take care. Things I have learned about myself and my latest RS and BU: • I have weak boundaries • I have very low self-esteem / self-worth regarding certain critical areas of my life • I make poor decisions • In my RS, the emotional investment was completely one-sided • My ex was emotionally unwilling / uninterested • My ex used me while working through her own challenges, then quit me • My ex did not love me, but used me as a crutch and for support only • My ex deceived and manipulated me • I was familiar, comfortable and secure for my ex • I was merely a variable in an equation • I based my decisions and emotional investment on fantasy, illusion and fabrication • I ignored many red-flags • I ignored being treated poorly • I was afraid of being single and losing an attractive, younger woman • I was addicted to the RS and my ex • I was co-dependent
faithfully Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Love love love this thread. Most or all of us can see our breakup issue in this post. Well i know i can see many of myself in this tread. Love it And sooo true 1
ponchsox Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 This describes my last relationship to a tee. I'm not sad it's over, because it was toxic. The bigger issue for me is why did I stay in a relationship like this for so long. I think I just may be a little emotionally unavailable myself. 1
ponchsox Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Things I have learned about myself and my latest RS and BU: • I have weak boundaries • I have very low self-esteem / self-worth regarding certain critical areas of my life • I make poor decisions • In my RS, the emotional investment was completely one-sided • My ex was emotionally unwilling / uninterested • My ex used me while working through her own challenges, then quit me • My ex did not love me, but used me as a crutch and for support only • My ex deceived and manipulated me • I was familiar, comfortable and secure for my ex • I was merely a variable in an equation • I based my decisions and emotional investment on fantasy, illusion and fabrication • I ignored many red-flags • I ignored being treated poorly • I was afraid of being single and losing an attractive, younger woman • I was addicted to the RS and my ex • I was co-dependent How long did it last? Did they dump you out of the blue and leave you heartbroken? Did you try to get them back?
sambo77 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Things I have learned about myself and my latest RS and BU: • I have weak boundaries • I have very low self-esteem / self-worth regarding certain critical areas of my life • I make poor decisions • In my RS, the emotional investment was completely one-sided • My ex was emotionally unwilling / uninterested • My ex used me while working through her own challenges, then quit me • My ex did not love me, but used me as a crutch and for support only • My ex deceived and manipulated me • I was familiar, comfortable and secure for my ex • I was merely a variable in an equation • I based my decisions and emotional investment on fantasy, illusion and fabrication • I ignored many red-flags • I ignored being treated poorly • I was afraid of being single and losing an attractive, younger woman • I was addicted to the RS and my ex • I was co-dependent Hey...are we related? That's a literal carbon copy of mine? ONLY genetics can be behind such similarity?! I always wanted an older bro. Other things I've learned about you while hanging out on LS: - You have been incredibly self-reflective and seem to be genuinely growing out of this BU - You have not been afraid to look your greatest fears and weaknesses right in the eye -Your ability to really admit who you are (warts and all) has helped me to feel better about who I am too...I'm kinda relieved that many of the weaknesses I KNOW I possess (but am uncomfortable owning) are in others too Thanks... 2
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 This describes my last relationship to a tee. I'm not sad it's over, because it was toxic. The bigger issue for me is why did I stay in a relationship like this for so long. I think I just may be a little emotionally unavailable myself. Yes, this is the $10,000 question. As I mentioned, for me, it was due to several of the reasons I mentioned in the first post. How long did it last? Did they dump you out of the blue and leave you heartbroken? Did you try to get them back? Dated: 3 years Living together: 2 years 11 months Engaged: 18 months BU and NC: 8 months BU seemed out of the blue to me at first, but I soon realized she was planning it for a while. Yes, she dumped me...
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 Hey...are we related? That's a literal carbon copy of mine? ONLY genetics can be behind such similarity?! I always wanted an older bro. Other things I've learned about you while hanging out on LS: - You have been incredibly self-reflective and seem to be genuinely growing out of this BU - You have not been afraid to look your greatest fears and weaknesses right in the eye -Your ability to really admit who you are (warts and all) has helped me to feel better about who I am too...I'm kinda relieved that many of the weaknesses I KNOW I possess (but am uncomfortable owning) are in others too Thanks... Thanks!! Yea, I figure what's the point of lying to oneself or trying to put blame on somebody else. I want desperately to 'fix' some of these things and give myself the opportunity to be happy and have a solid, loving relationship. And I believe the first step is to admit you have problems/issues. Then, you can work on them! I think I have only just realized many of these things about myself as this was the first RS where I really cared and wanted to make things work. I wanted to marry this girl. I'm at a point in life, finally, where I want to settle down and plant roots. Never wanted that before. And realizing it takes a lot of work, desire to make it work and a lot of luck, too! Thanks for your kind words. Always makes me feel better to spill and receive some positive feedback from others. A sort of camaraderie, I guess... 2
AnyaNova Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Things I have learned about myself and my latest RS and BU: • I have weak boundaries • I have very low self-esteem / self-worth regarding certain critical areas of my life • I make poor decisions • In my RS, the emotional investment was completely one-sided • My ex was emotionally unwilling / uninterested • My ex used me while working through her own challenges, then quit me • My ex did not love me, but used me as a crutch and for support only • My ex deceived and manipulated me • I was familiar, comfortable and secure for my ex • I was merely a variable in an equation • I based my decisions and emotional investment on fantasy, illusion and fabrication • I ignored many red-flags • I ignored being treated poorly • I was afraid of being single and losing an attractive, younger woman • I was addicted to the RS and my ex • I was co-dependent Not all of these are true in my case, but many of them are. Very self-reflective. This is the kind of thing I need to do, to help me move on and recover. 2
JDPT Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I can certainly resonate with most if not all of those. I would have also used the exact words, and I've actually used them in the past. How naive and blinded by "love" was it, live and learn. 1
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 Yeah, it's a real kick in the sac 1
Heartbroken Eagle Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Yep, sadly this post pretty more or less sums me up too!!! The things you do when you thought you were in love.... 1
headinthecloud Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Thanks for sharing mtnbiker3000. Great self reflective post and no doubt resonates with many of us here. Just curious, are you dating again, and if not, when do you think you'll be ready for a relationship?
LifeIsGreat Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Break-ups are a great opportunity for growth if you handle them with maturity. Good for you. Live and learn. Some of my most profound steps towards maturity have been through heartbreak. Frankly, I think I have become an awsume guy and look forward to meeting a woman who appreciates me for who I am. 2
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 Thanks for sharing mtnbiker3000. Great self reflective post and no doubt resonates with many of us here. Just curious, are you dating again, and if not, when do you think you'll be ready for a relationship? Well, I'm 8 months NC... Dated at about 3.5 months. No spark / Nothing happened. Dated again about a month later. 2 girls. Saw one girl for about 2 weeks, but I just wasn't ready. Dated again about a month ago. No spark / Nothing happened. Just started talking to another girl now.... Mind you, this is all OLD. And it's pretty slim pickens in the town I am in now. I am really trying to move back to the city. Feel like there will be a lot more opportunity there... I do feel like I am close to trying for a LTR again. But still require a lot of internal work, so not expecting too much at this point.
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 Just wanted to add that when I am finally ready to try for a LTR again, I will be armed with so, so much new information, knowledge and experience. However, knowing something and having the balls to implement / execute it are two different things. 7
velozdelnorte Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Ditto mate. But i think we were taken for a ride. Take care. I just think as he said it was with someone who wasnt ready for us,not they were taking us for a ride hell today i realised that xxxx this im not going to be a victim!! Im stronger and better than this. i have down some days and all my clients are trying to cheer me up, but i smile thru and start to feel better. Im nearing 3 months NC and im not doing great but im not doing bad either South America in 129 days .... 1
headinthecloud Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Just wanted to add that when I am finally ready to try for a LTR again, I will be armed with so, so much new information, knowledge and experience. However, knowing something and having the balls to implement / execute it are two different things. Amazing attitude! Good for you. Thanks for sharing.
Heartbroken Eagle Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Just wanted to add that when I am finally ready to try for a LTR again, I will be armed with so, so much new information, knowledge and experience. However, knowing something and having the balls to implement / execute it are two different things. I'm sure most of us after our experiences of recent BU, however messy they have been, will be wiser, stronger and most importantly better for it. It's just realising when you are ready to try again. For the record, how do you know when you are ready?
JDPT Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Yeah, it's a real kick in the sac Hey kick me once fine, but I can guarantee you won't kick me again specially when I'm down. 4
destroyed4sho Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Things I have learned about myself and my latest RS and BU: • I have weak boundaries • I have very low self-esteem / self-worth regarding certain critical areas of my life • I make poor decisions • In my RS, the emotional investment was completely one-sided • My ex was emotionally unwilling / uninterested • My ex used me while working through her own challenges, then quit me • My ex did not love me, but used me as a crutch and for support only • My ex deceived and manipulated me • I was familiar, comfortable and secure for my ex • I was merely a variable in an equation • I based my decisions and emotional investment on fantasy, illusion and fabrication • I ignored many red-flags • I ignored being treated poorly • I was afraid of being single and losing an attractive, younger woman • I was addicted to the RS and my ex • I was co-dependent I think people like us just have self esteem issues and when we meet one person that makes us feel good we seek their approval so much that we become blinded to any of THEIR weaknesses and faults. We think they are perfect because we feel so good around them, and our ego becomes addicted to them. Dont bash yourself too much...its a self esteem issue. Just that fact that you are able to recognize.these issues.means your already half way there to overcoming and conquering your issues. 1
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Posted November 6, 2013 I think people like us just have self esteem issues This is exactly what my therapist has told me on several occasions. She thinks this is the root of many other problems in my life including my last RS and BU. She is confident if I can work out these issues, it will be like a flood gate opening and I will see many changes for the better in my life. Now just to get to that point and when we meet one person that makes us feel good we seek their approval so much that we become blinded to any of THEIR weaknesses and faults. We think they are perfect because we feel so good around them, and our ego becomes addicted to them. Dont bash yourself too much...its a self esteem issue. Just that fact that you are able to recognize.these issues.means your already half way there to overcoming and conquering your issues. Very nice observation and makes perfect sense. I know I have major issues with self-esteem and seeking approval from others. I also think that when someone shows an interest in me, I have a very strange reaction. It's like I'm so amazed that they would feel this way about me. It feels strange, and I think I somehow reject it. It couldn't possibly be what I think / want it to be I feel like "Wow, I don't deserve this. Who am I to receive this? I'm not good enough for this." I feel like it's always on the verge of collapsing until it finally does, then I am even more devastated. Damn... I got problems!!
destroyed4sho Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 ^^this It is hard, I know this from experience. I felt the same way about my ex. I felt like wow She likes me? Really, I am not worthy! Mind you, everyone that saw us together thought that she was not at my level in terms of education and looks....When my therapist saw a picture of her...he was shocked. LOL...he was like, IS THIS the girl that you have been speaking to me about all along??...she looks like a CRACKHEAD...LOL. He was not the only one that felt that way, my friends admitted it too after she broke up with me as they were too embarrassed to tell me when we were together. In my case, I think my self-esteem issues and being lonely really played into me falling for her. But I think that these issues interfered in really seeing who she really was AND really loving her. How can you love someone if you are addicted to them? I was so intoxicated by the fact that she fulfilled some kind of emotional high, or boosted my ego that it interfered in getting to see who she really was. (narcissists can actually make you feel this high/way early on). This probably means that I was not really IN LOVE even though it felt like I was during the relationship. 1
AnyaNova Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 ^^this It is hard, I know this from experience. I felt the same way about my ex. I felt like wow She likes me? Really, I am not worthy! Mind you, everyone that saw us together thought that she was not at my level in terms of education and looks....When my therapist saw a picture of her...he was shocked. LOL...he was like, IS THIS the girl that you have been speaking to me about all along??...she looks like a CRACKHEAD...LOL. He was not the only one that felt that way, my friends admitted it too after she broke up with me as they were too embarrassed to tell me when we were together. In my case, I think my self-esteem issues and being lonely really played into me falling for her. But I think that these issues interfered in really seeing who she really was AND really loving her. How can you love someone if you are addicted to them? I was so intoxicated by the fact that she fulfilled some kind of emotional high, or boosted my ego that it interfered in getting to see who she really was. (narcissists can actually make you feel this high/way early on). This probably means that I was not really IN LOVE even though it felt like I was during the relationship. Do you know, that my self-esteem is so low that my first thought upon reading that about the "she looks like a crackhead," that my first thought was,'What if my ex is saying that about me, somewhere? OMG, what if I look like a crackhead and don't know it? I mean, what if everyone is just wandering around passing me by and thnking, "wow, she looks like a crackhead", and everyone is just too polite to tell me, and then I'd have the added embarrassment of not evening being aware enough of looking like said crackhead to be ashamed of it...' (thankfully at this point, I stopped myself, and laughed, but you get the gist).
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