bobby326 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 I'm writing this in the hope that your responses and support will help me get through this easier. It has been a little over 2 months since my ex left me, we were living together and if you look at my other thread you can see most of the story, I'm 26, she is 24, we dated for 4 1/2 years, I tried to reconcile several times afterwards, admitting my faults and promising to change. Our real issues were really incompatiability in the sense that I was ready to settle down and she is in party mode all the time, she has since moved back to her hometown (2 hours away) in with her dad and has a huge family where everyone is extremely close (she has lots of support). I have been NC since October 2nd except for a few peeks at facebook a few days after that (she is blocked btw) and her texting me on october 18th giving condolences to me and my family for my grandfather dieing, I responded with a simple "thank you" and that was it. I think of her everyday, almost every minute. Some days I feel better and think to myself that I am doing well, I am moving on. I have been on several dates which was a confidence booster but I still don't feel anything for those people and feel like dating may be a bad thing for me right now as I cannot see myself in a committed relationship. Last night I had a dream about her, I have dreams about her a lot or at least she is in them. I feel like I have gone backwards today, that I am not moving on, I just want to not think about her, I feel like my friends think it's been enough time and I can't reach out to them. I have a very dysfunctional family and cannot reach out to them as they don't understand nor do they care that much. Some days I want her to come back, to text me/call me and tell me she is sorry and that she made a huge mistake. Other days I come to my senses and realize that she is not right for me and that if she truly loved me she would not have left so suddenly without warning and would have worked through our issues we had. I planned on asking her to marry me, she does not believe me when I told her that. I know I need to move on, to stay NC but I miss my friend, but she is not a good friend if she would do this to me, I just feel so lost and wish she felt something, wished she thought about me, wished she would not have done this but I have no way of finding out and feel that knowing anything about what she is doing will only hurt. During the week is so hard for me because most of my friends have serious gfs or are married and I am now living on my own for the first time in my life in the house we were together in, it's so hard sometimes to get up and go to work and be normal, anyway, any words of wisdom or support would be greatly appreciated, I find myself reading this forum almost everyday and feel like it's the only thing getting me through this.
ponchsox Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I'm writing this in the hope that your responses and support will help me get through this easier. It has been a little over 2 months since my ex left me, we were living together and if you look at my other thread you can see most of the story, I'm 26, she is 24, we dated for 4 1/2 years, I tried to reconcile several times afterwards, admitting my faults and promising to change. Our real issues were really incompatiability in the sense that I was ready to settle down and she is in party mode all the time, she has since moved back to her hometown (2 hours away) in with her dad and has a huge family where everyone is extremely close (she has lots of support). I have been NC since October 2nd except for a few peeks at facebook a few days after that (she is blocked btw) and her texting me on october 18th giving condolences to me and my family for my grandfather dieing, I responded with a simple "thank you" and that was it. I think of her everyday, almost every minute. Some days I feel better and think to myself that I am doing well, I am moving on. I have been on several dates which was a confidence booster but I still don't feel anything for those people and feel like dating may be a bad thing for me right now as I cannot see myself in a committed relationship. Last night I had a dream about her, I have dreams about her a lot or at least she is in them. I feel like I have gone backwards today, that I am not moving on, I just want to not think about her, I feel like my friends think it's been enough time and I can't reach out to them. I have a very dysfunctional family and cannot reach out to them as they don't understand nor do they care that much. Some days I want her to come back, to text me/call me and tell me she is sorry and that she made a huge mistake. Other days I come to my senses and realize that she is not right for me and that if she truly loved me she would not have left so suddenly without warning and would have worked through our issues we had. I planned on asking her to marry me, she does not believe me when I told her that. I know I need to move on, to stay NC but I miss my friend, but she is not a good friend if she would do this to me, I just feel so lost and wish she felt something, wished she thought about me, wished she would not have done this but I have no way of finding out and feel that knowing anything about what she is doing will only hurt. During the week is so hard for me because most of my friends have serious gfs or are married and I am now living on my own for the first time in my life in the house we were together in, it's so hard sometimes to get up and go to work and be normal, anyway, any words of wisdom or support would be greatly appreciated, I find myself reading this forum almost everyday and feel like it's the only thing getting me through this. Every day of NC gets a little better. Breaking NC sets you back to immediately after the breakup. Start enjoying the things you liked to do that you maybe stopped while dating. You have the entire world to do whatever you want. One person is like one fish in all of the seas.
lindsay1990 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 There is no way of knowing if she is missing you or thinking about you, BUT there is only one thing and one thing only that you can know with certainty and that is that she doesn't want to be with you. I know you have many questions, about what her reasoning is, about what changed, what doesn't make your relationship worth it, what could be done, because there has to be something than can be done, what is she feeling, how can she just turn it off... and there is one way to get an answer to all these questions, and that way is to go NC. When you go NC you allow yourself to get a better perspective of what happened, of what you yourself are feeling and it lets you see more and more what your ex's actions actually were. For example, the day will come that you may think: "If she came back, would I really take somebody back who left me for three/six months and then just turned up? Would I be with somebody who made me hurt so much and put me through the abandonment?" There are so many questions and only NC with turn them over and reveal the answers. But you DO have to go NC because breaking it only gives you the illusion of having control over the course of events, but you really don't because she will decide what she decides regardless if she hears from you or not. Also, NC allows you to save face so I guess the only option is to stick it out, but it does get easier once the break-up/contact fog starts to clear. Good luck.
ponchsox Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 There is no way of knowing if she is missing you or thinking about you, BUT there is only one thing and one thing only that you can know with certainty and that is that she doesn't want to be with you. I know you have many questions, about what her reasoning is, about what changed, what doesn't make your relationship worth it, what could be done, because there has to be something than can be done, what is she feeling, how can she just turn it off... and there is one way to get an answer to all these questions, and that way is to go NC. When you go NC you allow yourself to get a better perspective of what happened, of what you yourself are feeling and it lets you see more and more what your ex's actions actually were. For example, the day will come that you may think: "If she came back, would I really take somebody back who left me for three/six months and then just turned up? Would I be with somebody who made me hurt so much and put me through the abandonment?" There are so many questions and only NC with turn them over and reveal the answers. But you DO have to go NC because breaking it only gives you the illusion of having control over the course of events, but you really don't because she will decide what she decides regardless if she hears from you or not. Also, NC allows you to save face so I guess the only option is to stick it out, but it does get easier once the break-up/contact fog starts to clear. Good luck. Exactly. NC has so many benefits. 1. It allows you time to clear your mind without them in the picture 2. Gives you reflection on what really was the problem and why you are better off without them. What if you ended up marrying them and getting a divorce? It would have been 100x worse. 3. It gives you a chance to focus on old or new hobbies. After a while, you start having fun again and your brain is stimulated, not spiraling our of control with depressed emotions. 4. If it gives you any satisfaction, after awhile of NC, your dumper WILL ask themselves "why haven't they contacted me?" They can't stand that because they lost control of you. Not that it matters. 5. Allows you to save face.
ayudorama Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I know there's so many questions running through your mind and it's exhausting trying to just live without having thoughts of her plaguing your head or even your dreams when you sleep, but please do believe me, it will get better with NC and time. It's hard to see past this fog right now because you're in pain, I can relate to that. When my ex left me out of the blue, I felt a similar range of emotions, and my mind was constantly asking questions, one after another. It's as if none of it makes sense. How can someone walk away so easily, was what we had worth nothing? But once I understood and accepted that I had no control over another person's actions, and I only had control over my own thoughts and actions, I told myself that if he left me, then I'll assume that the person who I fell in love with is no more, he's dead to me. He chose to leave me, that is enough reason for me to stop caring about how he's doing, what he's thinking, whether he ever loved me; simply because it is plain to see that although I cherished what we had, he didn't. Painful fact, but the quicker I accepted that, the better I'll heal. Words probably can't do much to take away the pain you're feeling now mate, but know that you're not alone, and that given time, the extent of your pain will decrease. Have faith, and talk to us whenever you feel like you need to vent or express yourself. We're here for you.
Author bobby326 Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 I really appreciate the responses, they make me feel much better. I'm just so confused and have never felt so lost and alone. I felt like I had my life planned out before, I had just got the promotion I had been working towards and then this happens. I know that I pushed her away the last few months by bringing work home with me and being absorbed by grad school and not wanting to go out very much but Jesus I didn't think she would go this far. She had her issues too, things that will damage her in the long run like always being broke, immature, getting blacked out drunk all the time and drunk driving. I was willing to deal with these issues because I loved her or at least would have tried to work through them before leaving her. Again, I can't thank you guys enough, I never thought a forum would help so much but I simply don't know Anyone goin through this.
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