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LDR is emotionally overhwelming and I don't want it to be

Prettybones

By Prettybones
in Long-Distance Relationships

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Prettybones Member

Prettybones

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I have been in a long distance relationship for almost 4 months and just recently I have started to feel more overwhelmed and depressed every time I spend a weekend with my bf and one of us has to leave. We live a 2 hour drive away from each other which isn't bad at all. Sometimes after we spend a weekend together I feel him pull away and I just don't feel close to him anymore (obviously since we live 2 hours away), but he emotionally pulls away too. Sometimes I do need the space also, just to deal with the distance but I feel like he detaches himself from me for days at a time and I absolutely freak out wondering why he does this. We talk frequently and communicate as much as we can but some days we'll only send a few texts about what we're doing, nothing significant. Him pulling away just makes the distance worse and I don't know maybe this is just his way of coping with us being apart.

 

I saw him this past weekend and I just broke down crying and told him that it gets really difficult being apart from him. He stood there and acted like he didn't have a clue what I was talking about. He said he tries not to let it bother him which almost kind of offended me that he doesn't get as sad as I do about it. He said he doesn't express his emotions like I do and he does feel sad sometimes. Then he just started acting annoyed, which makes me shut down even more and never want to express any feelings. On top of this LDR I have a three year old son and he does also. We both work full time. So this relationship ultimately comes third on the list of priorities. Sometimes I feel like this relationship is one big rollercoaster and I don't know what to expect from one day to the next. All in all I think the distance is what the main issue is, but I don't want it to be affecting me this much.

 

We're only three months in a week after week I start to doubt the relationship and whether or not it will work out. It is getting to the point where its effecting how I feel every day and no matter how hard I try I can't stop thinking about missing him. I am not sure how to cope. I keep myself extremely busy but sometimes I just want to lay in bed and cry because I hate not being able to see him for two weeks at a time. I'm not sure how to keep positive. I think sometimes its the uncertainty of it all, like who is going to move where and when. He said its too soon to talk about all of that but I would like the security of knowing where this relationship is going. Any advice appreciated thanks.

rikki10 New Member

rikki10

Posted
Posted

I've been in a LDR relationship as well, which was around half an hour drive, or 1 hour by boat. I don't have that much advise.. But from experience, my boyfriend.. now ex.. said that it was very hard for him to not be close to me, and sometimes he would be emotionally pulled away from me. He could go days without having the need to talk to me. This was because he felt it was easier to "shut me out", when we weren't physically together. He still had the feelings, but he just tried to not think about me when we weren't together. This was his way of coping, while I wanted to talk to him all the time, and hear from him throughout the day.

 

As for you, I would try to figure out if he's a guy you like that much, that it's better to know that you have, that he's yours and that you'll eventually move together sometime, or if he's not worth the pain. For my sake, even though it hurted knowing that I couldn't see my boyfriend whenever I wanted to, and having to miss him so badly.. It was better that way, then being alone and feeling empty. Hope it works out for you!!

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Prettybones Member

Prettybones

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It just makes it more difficult when I feel the need to talk to him every day to stay close to him. He does the opposite. So I try not to push him and let him come to me. Sometimes it just hurts and is frustrating thinking he doesn't feel sad or miss me like I miss him.

rikki10 New Member

rikki10

Posted
Posted (edited)
It just makes it more difficult when I feel the need to talk to him every day to stay close to him. He does the opposite. So I try not to push him and let him come to me. Sometimes it just hurts and is frustrating thinking he doesn't feel sad or miss me like I miss him.

 

I know exactly how you feel. That's exactly how I felt. But I'm sure he misses you just as much - he just has another way of coping with it. Compromise is a nice thing. You can't expect him to get up to your level, and you can't go down to his level. Even though it didn't work talking to him last time, maybe he was a bit intimidated by all the feelings? I would recommend sitting down with him the next time you're together, and calmly explaining how you feel and what would work for you, and asking him to tell you how he wants it to work, and if both of you want to and can - find something in between that works for both of you. If he can't compromise, then it's not worth it. You can't have someone you would do everything for, when they won't do the same for you. That's what I learnt the hard way.

Edited by rikki10
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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

First, I don't think 2 hours is an LDR. To me an LDR means somebody has to get on a plane.

 

That said, I will give you that there is physical distance.

 

If you need daily communication to feel connected & he's pulling away from that, you are smothering him & you are going to send him packing. Back off. Find ways to distract yourself & only commincate every other day. A few texts every day sounds like a LOT of communication to me. What do you want?

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Prettybones Member

Prettybones

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Well, he always texts me good morning, which let's me know he's at least thinking of me. As soon as we start a conversations though our texts amount to a few a day. I'm not complaining that it's not enough, just that for a while I got used to us texting a lot. Now not as much. And maybe it's because the relationship is beginning to settle. I don't smother him I've tried to back off and give him his space because I do need time to myself also. I just find it hard to cope after not seeing him for two weeks at a time when many people get to see their significant other a few times a week.

PCS991 Member

PCS991

Posted
Posted

Hi Pretty bones,

 

I'm a guy and I'm experiencing exactly precisely what you are experiencing from your boyfriend. Did I say exactly precisely? When I read your post I just had to respond. Now I'm going to make you feel really great! My girlfriend lives in CA and I live on the east coast!! Being only 2 hours from your boyfriend is not long distance, I'd be ecstatic to be only 2 hours away from my girlfriend.

 

But on to the vagueness that plagues your and my relationship, I just don't know what to do at times. My girlfriend is the WORST texter in the world. If she responds and I do mean IF, it's only a one or two word response. Email...forget it!!

We talk on the phone for 45-60 minutes at a time but even that is on/off, sometimes we talk 4-5 times a week then she goes off on a silent missing in action thing. We both love each other, I've met the parents and they love me like no other. The deal with my girlfriend is her pace or no pace. It kills me as I want to move forward and marry her, she wants this too, just not as fast as I do. Either I have to accept this of her or move on, personally I don't want to start all over with another woman AND I do love this girl like no other.

 

So in closing either play along with your BF or give up I guess, not entirely sure what other way you or I can play the game.

McMike Member

McMike

Posted
Posted

A 2 hour drive is not a LDR. You can easily spend a weekend together. My LDR consisted of 8 hour flights and 5 and even up to 9 months absences. We made it to 2 years but then she ended it.

 

IMO, 2 hours is very easy to achieve, especially when you can see each other every weekend, don't most couples only meet on weekends anyway?

 

Take this into perspective and I hope you realise you have it easier than alot of other LDR's. I know it is still hard for you but just try and put it into perspective.

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ThisGal Established Member

ThisGal

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Posted
First, I don't think 2 hours is an LDR. To me an LDR means somebody has to get on a plane.

 

Thank you!! Lol. Seriously that is NOT LDR. Mine is LDR, we're 12 hours apart in the same darn country lol.

ThisGal Established Member

ThisGal

Posted
Posted (edited)
Well, he always texts me good morning, which let's me know he's at least thinking of me. As soon as we start a conversations though our texts amount to a few a day. I'm not complaining that it's not enough, just that for a while I got used to us texting a lot. Now not as much. And maybe it's because the relationship is beginning to settle. I don't smother him I've tried to back off and give him his space because I do need time to myself also. I just find it hard to cope after not seeing him for two weeks at a time when many people get to see their significant other a few times a week.

 

It's obvious you're seeking assurance from him, you want him to say "baby, you ARE the woman for me, I will do my best to make sure we WILL be together. You're who I want, even with the distance, we'll eventually be together"...blah, blah, blah.

 

I think you're being a little too whiny. You're only going to end up pushing him away. You're only 2 hours away; it's really not that serious. Take turns driving or take the darn train. Even if my b/f and I lived close I honestly would not want to see him that often. I like my space sometimes. Your mind is too wrapped around him. Distract yourself. Go spend time with your child, take him to the park, go get a drink with your friends, spend time with family, do something to keep you occupied because your mind is on overdrive thinking about that man. It's not mentally healthy, especially since you're getting "depressed" over it.

 

However, I think his calls and texts to you being infrequent now IS an issue. Communication is everything in a relationship. If he's not putting enough effort to make sure he talks to you enough then he's simply acting like he does not care. A man who cares will make sure you know! He will want to hear from you anyway.

 

Anywho, talk to him about this again...or ignore him and see how often he texts you. Don't initiate contact at all. If he doesn't text or call you then that shows that he's really not making much or any effort anyway and that speaks volumes about the relationship.

Edited by ThisGal
  • Like 1
LittleTiger Established Member

LittleTiger

Posted
Posted
First, I don't think 2 hours is an LDR. To me an LDR means somebody has to get on a plane.

 

A 2 hour drive is not a LDR. You can easily spend a weekend together. My LDR consisted of 8 hour flights and 5 and even up to 9 months absences. We made it to 2 years but then she ended it.

 

Thank you!! Lol. Seriously that is NOT LDR. Mine is LDR, we're 12 hours apart in the same darn country lol.

 

Come on you guys, that's a bit unfair! It isn't a competition and everything is relative. I could 'ridicule' all of your 'LDRs' by saying "12hrs? Lol! That's nothing. We're 12,000 miles apart which takes 30 hrs and 3 flights! You've all got it easy....etc, etc"

 

If the OP is used to being in relationships where her boyfriend is 'around the corner' and she can see him a few times a week, I can understand that she's finding her current situation tough. Especially if she isn't getting the attention she needs from her boyfriend.

 

Relationships are rarely smooth sailing, LDRs are particularly tough and relationships involving children on both sides are tough too. It's not surprising there are problems.

 

Prettybones, you really need to have a long chat with him and let him know exactly how the current situation is affecting you and what you need from him on order to feel happy with your relationship. If the will is there, and the commitment is equal on both sides, most relationship problems are solvable.

 

Good luck. :)

  • Like 3
McMike Member

McMike

Posted
Posted

^ You're right, sorry Prettybones.

 

I just got out my LDR and I'm still messed up, I wish our distance was only 2 hours, we'd still be together.

 

Wish you guys the best. I'm sure you can work it out if he pays more attention to you. I made the same mistake of neglecting my girlfriend as well, if only I could change that. If I could talk to your boyfriend, I'd tell him not to make the same mistake I did.

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

There is nothing wrong with you desiring communication everyday, IMO. I think therein lies the issue - you both haven't figured out how to work out conflict and incompatibilities in your R. Not so much the distance.

 

Have you sat him down and spoken to him about how you feel about all this and how you need more communication?

  • 1 month later...
HeavenOrHell Established Member

HeavenOrHell

Posted
Posted

Sorry, I don't understand why anyone would class half an hour drive as an LDR :confused: To me this belittles what an actual LDR is.

I know it's all relative, but half an hour, seriously?!

 

 

 

I've been in a LDR relationship as well, which was around half an hour drive, or 1 hour by boat. I don't have that much advise.. But from experience, my boyfriend.. now ex.. said that it was very hard for him to not be close to me, and sometimes he would be emotionally pulled away from me. He could go days without having the need to talk to me. This was because he felt it was easier to "shut me out", when we weren't physically together. He still had the feelings, but he just tried to not think about me when we weren't together. This was his way of coping, while I wanted to talk to him all the time, and hear from him throughout the day.

 

As for you, I would try to figure out if he's a guy you like that much, that it's better to know that you have, that he's yours and that you'll eventually move together sometime, or if he's not worth the pain. For my sake, even though it hurted knowing that I couldn't see my boyfriend whenever I wanted to, and having to miss him so badly.. It was better that way, then being alone and feeling empty. Hope it works out for you!!

  • Like 1
HeavenOrHell Established Member

HeavenOrHell

Posted
Posted

My partner has phases when he does this, he retreats into his own world and I'm left wondering what's happened, he said it's his way of dealing with the distance.

And, he just deals with it better than I do anyway, he tends to think about the good things about us, and not the distance/missing each other.

It does make me feel he's not missing me.

This is the main thing I've struggled with, luckily he's not distant all the time, we only meet up every 5-10 weeks, so it wouldn't be bearable if he was distant all the time.

He talks to me when he's distant, we still communicate a lot, it's more that I feel he becomes emotionally distant.

 

 

 

I have been in a long distance relationship for almost 4 months and just recently I have started to feel more overwhelmed and depressed every time I spend a weekend with my bf and one of us has to leave. We live a 2 hour drive away from each other which isn't bad at all. Sometimes after we spend a weekend together I feel him pull away and I just don't feel close to him anymore (obviously since we live 2 hours away), but he emotionally pulls away too. Sometimes I do need the space also, just to deal with the distance but I feel like he detaches himself from me for days at a time and I absolutely freak out wondering why he does this. We talk frequently and communicate as much as we can but some days we'll only send a few texts about what we're doing, nothing significant. Him pulling away just makes the distance worse and I don't know maybe this is just his way of coping with us being apart.

 

I saw him this past weekend and I just broke down crying and told him that it gets really difficult being apart from him. He stood there and acted like he didn't have a clue what I was talking about. He said he tries not to let it bother him which almost kind of offended me that he doesn't get as sad as I do about it. He said he doesn't express his emotions like I do and he does feel sad sometimes. Then he just started acting annoyed, which makes me shut down even more and never want to express any feelings. On top of this LDR I have a three year old son and he does also. We both work full time. So this relationship ultimately comes third on the list of priorities. Sometimes I feel like this relationship is one big rollercoaster and I don't know what to expect from one day to the next. All in all I think the distance is what the main issue is, but I don't want it to be affecting me this much.

 

We're only three months in a week after week I start to doubt the relationship and whether or not it will work out. It is getting to the point where its effecting how I feel every day and no matter how hard I try I can't stop thinking about missing him. I am not sure how to cope. I keep myself extremely busy but sometimes I just want to lay in bed and cry because I hate not being able to see him for two weeks at a time. I'm not sure how to keep positive. I think sometimes its the uncertainty of it all, like who is going to move where and when. He said its too soon to talk about all of that but I would like the security of knowing where this relationship is going. Any advice appreciated thanks.

Iguanna Established Member

Iguanna

Posted
Posted

It's obvious that this kind of relationship is not something that fulfills or satisfies you. You want someone who you can spend some nights with, do things together and be really close. This guy either doesn't have the same needs or he doesn't like you that much so he is satisfied with the current situation. Either way he is not the person who will satisfy your needs. You got a lot to think about. It's a pity to spend your days being sad. A relationship is supposed to bring you mostly happiness.

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