FumoBlu Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 I can actually really understand where she's coming from, and I don't really blame her for it, I guess I'm just feeling kind of depressed about it and maybe just need someone to help me work through it, a la loveshack! Basically we've been together for almost 2 years, which in any other circumstance I'd be the first person to say that's way too soon to be getting married. The only reason it was originally on the table was due to visa issues. We had been doing semi-long distance for the first year, but she worked in a profession where she spent months in the U.S. so we spent about 6 months together, living together for a portion of the time, then six months apart with visits in between. At the end of the year she got a full time job in her home country, and said also that she didn't like America and didn't want to move there. I said I was happy for her, but I'm not sure what that meant for us, since we'd no longer really be able to see each other that much. She said that I could come to her home country, and she'd help me find an appropriate work visa, since they're actually not impossible for American's to get, you just have to work in a business related field. I did really like her country, and saw a future with her, as we'd had a good relationship, but I expressed my concerns that I would have to quit my job, give up my apartment, and spend most of my savings on a three month gamble. She assured me by saying that if our relationship continued to go well, we could get married, because she wanted to be with me and help me out, and so that we could stay together in her country. At first this kind of freaked me out, cause again, 2 years isn't all that much, but after a lot of careful thought, I realized that I did really love her and saw a future with her, and would accept if she asked or if we decided to do it. Fast forward, the visa thing kind of fell apart, as the professional area I'm in doesn't transfer over as well into her country's work force, and we live in one of the most popular cities in Europe, so there's a lot of competition. When it become clear that I was running out of time, she pretty much made it absolutely known that she did not want get married and would do everything to help me stay regarding a work visa route, but that marriage wasn't an option anymore, and it was basically implied that if I had to go back that would be unfortunate, but oh well. I said that I respected her changing her mind about wanting to get married, I would never want someone to marry me that was as obviously as disinterested in the idea as she now appears to be, but that we'd basically have to break up, as she's said she doesn't want to move to the U.S., I have no more money to come back, and can't even legally return for at least 6 months once my tourist visa is up. I can tell that maybe she's saddened by the idea of me having to leave, but not enough to actually bother coming up with any kind of other plan. I guess after writing this I probably just need someone to tell me to snap out of it.
Pretty.in.Pink Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Sorry this happened to you. I'm sure it's been difficult to deal with. I need a little more information before I can offer advice... What changed exactly? She went from being open to marriage down the road to saying no. Why is that, do you think? Also, please clarify: Is she just not ready to marry you now, but sees this in the future? Or...now she never wants to marry you? Outside of this, how has your relationship been since you moved to her country? Are you living together? Any fights? You need to provide context to get relevant advice.
Author FumoBlu Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 Sorry this happened to you. I'm sure it's been difficult to deal with. I need a little more information before I can offer advice... What changed exactly? She went from being open to marriage down the road to saying no. Why is that, do you think? Also, please clarify: Is she just not ready to marry you now, but sees this in the future? Or...now she never wants to marry you? Outside of this, how has your relationship been since you moved to her country. Are you living together? Any fights? You need to provide context to get relevant advice. Thanks for the response. Yeah, we had to adjust to living together at first cause she's very independent, but it's been going fine, and I think that we've both adjusted well at this point. I noticed she changed her mind as it become more and more of a possibility. I think when the visa limit was far off it was easier for her to offer, but as it became time to make it a reality if we were going to stay together she changed her mind. She's a bit commitment phobic, so that's probably it, but things had been going well with us living together, so I thought that she'd over come it. She doesn't really address the future in realistic terms. I told her that I couldn't come back to her home country due to money issues and the fact that you have to legally stay away for at least 6 months, but she never really has anything to say about it, other than to accuse me of being negative or that she doesn't really want to talk about it. Her culture is known for not being one of romance and openess, so I think that accounts for a lot of it, but I guess it hurts me to know that I'd rather take a chance and stay together, and she'd rather do nothing and breakup.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 I guess it hurts me to know that I'd rather take a chance and stay together, and she'd rather do nothing and breakup. Stay together is one thing, getting married is another. Visa issues are absolutely the wrong reason to tie the knot and her level-headed refusal to be rushed has probably done you a long-term favor. You don't want to marry someone who has reservations about being with you... Mr. Lucky 2
Author FumoBlu Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 (edited) Stay together is one thing, getting married is another. Visa issues are absolutely the wrong reason to tie the knot and her level-headed refusal to be rushed has probably done you a long-term favor. You don't want to marry someone who has reservations about being with you... Mr. Lucky I see what you're trying to say, but tbh I feel it's an over simplification of the actual issues that are bothering me. First of all I don't see how she is being rushed when SHE is the one that brought it up and initiated the conversations. Secondly, the topic was originally brought up because of visa issues, but then I decided I wanted to get married because actually love her and want a future with her, even if it would be sooner than I would have liked in an ideal world. Lastly, it was totally my desicion to give what I did for our relationship but I don't know if I would have if she had been clear about her reservations from the start instead of her saying she'd be willing to. However, I do totally agree with you that now that she's turned indifferent towards the idea of a future with me it's probably a good thing. Edited November 4, 2013 by FumoBlu spellinh
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