Confusion_Reigns Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 I have a thread in OW/OM and this is part of it. I thought that maybe this section would be a good (better?) place to discuss this portion...I keep getting told to 'get a divorce!' (and with good reason, I'm sure)...but I'd like to talk a bit more about these *fears* of mine... I know...I can 'hear' it in myself...the excuses and justifications and all that to NOT really do anything about my marriage...I want to and I am but nothing happens over night...and this has been going on for a long time... I'm very confused inside myself. I don't know what to do or which way to turn...and normally when I feel like this I just sorta freeze inside...I don't like this about myself. Not at all. On the one hand, I tell my husband this is what I need to remain in this marriage...but what if...what if it just doesn't really matter in the long run? What if he does all this and I still feel this same way? On the other hand, I tell my husband I'm done and we separate, he leaves, etc....all that....and what if it's the biggest mistake of my life? The way I feel now, it's not a mistake it's the right thing to do for him and for me....and I feel a bit torn because...well, because my own ideas of what love and marriage should (there's that word again) look like....feel like...be like... ...and it does feel good to laugh and just 'be' with my friend. Just talk, really and truly talk...to feel free...to feel a sort of peace inside myself that I haven't felt in a very-very long time... anyone been here? anyone care to comment/share...please...
RightThere Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Either path you choose, you will have regret. You're looking for a guarantee and there isn't one. My advice, if you have anything holding you back from leaving, and your spouse is willing to work very hard at your marriage, I would say put all your chips in and try to make things work. But don't fence sit and say you're going to work on your marriage, but only put in 90% so there's less hurt if you do decide to separate. Either get all in or get all out.
RightThere Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 You also need to get over your "expectations" of how your marriage should be. You need to accept your marriage for what it is, and work on making that better. Otherwise you'll just focus on what your marriage isn't, and fault your spouse for that.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 that's the thing...I just don't know what holds me back...I honestly believe it's my kids...to break up their home is an awful thing...but more than that, the deeper issues is me...and my need to NOT break up the home...but at what cost to ME?
RightThere Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 As long as you don't hate your husband, worst case scenario is you give reconciling a try and if it doesn't work, at least you know you gave it your all. And I understand your fears as it relates to your kids. But try to think of your relationship with your husband on it's own, without the impact of your kids. Do you love him? Are there qualities about him you still love? Is he willing and able to make real changes? You need to realize your old relationship is dead and you can start a brand new one. But you'll both need to put in work. If you're not willing to, then don't waste anyone's time. If you decide to leave, know that your kids will be OK providing both you and your husband are mature enough to focus on what is best for your kids at all time. No petty games or talking bad about each other. Your kids will adjust and learn to accept their new "normal" lives.
RightThere Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Scratch EVERYTHING I posted on this. You're in an abusive relationship and you need to get out! There are services available that can get you and your son out and into a safe place. You're not staying because of your kids. You're staying out of fear of what might happen to you or you kids. Please be safe and find a way to get out of this relationship.
Chi townD Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 that's the thing...I just don't know what holds me back...I honestly believe it's my kids...to break up their home is an awful thing...but more than that, the deeper issues is me...and my need to NOT break up the home...but at what cost to ME? Well, that's the thing! I went back to your original thread to see what your story is. You stated in about your third post in your thread that your two kids are over 18 and you have one that's 16. YOU STATED that you plan on divorcing your husband when the kid turned 18 so you can be with the other guy that you're cheating with. And yes! You are cheating. You don't have to have sex in order to cheat. You were/are carrying on an emotional affair with this guy. So, I'm not entirely sure what you're looking for here?
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 one child over 18 and one child who is 16 now. I only have two children. I have been thinking of divorce for a long time, about two years now. Thinking hard on it. I met my friend about 10 mos ago....and this has thrown me off...I had not planned on getting into any relationship ever again.
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