cardinalred Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 I would really love some male advice on my current situation… Recently (about 2/3 weeks ago) I met a guy at my job and we hit it off pretty well. We spoke for a few hours that first day (at my job) and he asked for my number. We began texting nonstop for a few days and he was excited to take me out on a date. Unfortunately, a family member of his passed away and he suddenly had to fly out of the country for the funeral. He was gone for a week. Before he left he asked me to download this app where we could stay in touch while he was away. When he left it was as if nothing changed- we continued to talk just as much and he still seemed very excited to take me out and get to know each other. Towards the end of his trip he started to take longer to respond, his answers were kind of short and things just felt different. I didn't make much of it as first because I figured he was going through a rough time. When he flew back in we had made plans to go out the first night back… however, when he arrived that morning he told me was tired and had a ton of things to do before heading back to work. Again, I figured he was jet lagged or emotionally exhausted. Something still didn't feel right though…… a few hours later he finally told me the truth. He said he had met a girl while he was away and that his entire family is friends with her. They had wanted them to both to meet and hook up and it has never happened until now. He told me that he didn't want to lie to me and hurt my feelings. He also said that he wasn't sure if that long distance relationship would lead to anything or if he even liked her at all… but that he felt that he needed to give it a real shot. We didn't go out that night but we eventually ended up hanging out. As much as I hate admitting it, we had sex and he took me out on a date. Things got interesting because he opened up a lot to me and told me how much we have in common, how he loves being around me and how when he have sex there is a beautiful connection between us. It's definitely way more than just sex. And I feel the same way too. Him and I could talk forever. Anyway, he told me that this girl was visiting him in a few days and that he wasn't sure where things would lead after that, if anywhere even…. I kind of broke things off with him and told him to spend that time with her and figure out what it was he wanted. As of right now I feel like I like him very much, but I don't want to be that dumb girl either. One of the biggest reasons he has doubts about 'US' is because of our age difference…. He is 38, I'm 26. I see nothing wrong with it but I feel that he fears it will be a difference at some point and I will be unhappy…. Any suggestions on any of these issues? Should I contact him even after I broke things off with him? Is there anyway I can make him see that i'm not some crazy party girl because i'm really not…. I really like this guy and I want to play my cards right.
Philosoraptor Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Eh, he's made his choice. You showed him who you are, and if his preconceived notions of age gap are there, that's still his choice to make. You shouldn't contact him, and probably shouldn't put too much hope into somoene who can let external pressure decide who he should date. 3
veggirl Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Well you sound like a back up. I can't believe you even went out with him after he told you that he liked another woman and wanted to persue her! and then he says "so she is coming to visit me" and you BASICALLY your response is like "if it doesn't work out with her I'm here!" Come on! Your next move is delete his number and never talk to him again because AT BEST you are 2nd best. I mean he is flying another woman in to spend time with him. I wonder if she knows about you. Forget this guy!!!! 4
Author cardinalred Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 You make a very valid point that I failed to see. Thank you, Philosoraptor.
Author cardinalred Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 Well you sound like a back up. I can't believe you even went out with him after he told you that he liked another woman and wanted to persue her! and then he says "so she is coming to visit me" and you BASICALLY your response is like "if it doesn't work out with her I'm here!" Come on! Your next move is delete his number and never talk to him again because AT BEST you are 2nd best. I mean he is flying another woman in to spend time with him. I wonder if she knows about you. Forget this guy!!!! Well, when you put it that way!! Haha. I haven't texted him at all, I wonder what I should do if he hits me up.... because all my instincts tell me he will.
Mascara Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 He sounds like a right charmer. Look, what's done is done - but from here on, if I were you I'd just make sure I wasn't a part of his little fantasy world, which I can pretty much guarantee involves having this long-distance girl as his main relationship - after all, she is a family friend - and then you for "beautiful connection" sex when she's out of town.
BreakOnThrough Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 You fell right into his trap, are you sure there is even another girl? He pulls back, sounds like he is not really interested, you give him everything he wants to prove yourself to him. Any more cliche, you could jot down your life and use it as a romance novel. HE"S PLAYING YOU!!!!! The question is, do you want to be played?
Author cardinalred Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 You fell right into his trap, are you sure there is even another girl? He pulls back, sounds like he is not really interested, you give him everything he wants to prove yourself to him. Any more cliche, you could jot down your life and use it as a romance novel. HE"S PLAYING YOU!!!!! The question is, do you want to be played? I know it sounds like it, trust me, but one day that I was over his house he asked me to grab his phone and there was a message on the front screen from the girl. I didn't even need to go searching for it, the message was on the unlock screen and it said something like 'I'm so excited to finally spend time with you" so she exists.... but trust me at the beginning I thought maybe it wasn't true.
veggirl Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Well, when you put it that way!! Haha. I haven't texted him at all, I wonder what I should do if he hits me up.... because all my instincts tell me he will. Well no crap he will call you. Once the woman he is currently entertaining is gone back. That's not flattering. To be brushed to the side while another woman comes in and then when she is not available he calls you back up. I don't understand why you aren't disgusted? You see messages on his phone about how excited she is to be meeting up with him...I am so confused by YOUR confusion. What do you want from him? 2
Author cardinalred Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 Well no crap he will call you. Once the woman he is currently entertaining is gone back. That's not flattering. To be brushed to the side while another woman comes in and then when she is not available he calls you back up. I don't understand why you aren't disgusted? You see messages on his phone about how excited she is to be meeting up with him...I am so confused by YOUR confusion. What do you want from him? I see him as very genuine and that could never be shown through the internet. He has been honest with me about her from the beginning. For me, I see it as his family pressuring him into really giving her a chance and him having to at least give it a shot so that if he doesn't want a relationship with her he can go back to his family and tell them he tried and the feelings aren't there. It's lame, but I can't judge. He did make those plans with her before him and I even met up. He's told me that once she leaves he will really know where he stands in all of this because he's kind of confused himself. I don't see it as me being played really because before we even went out he told me about her because he didn't want to seem like an ass. I just fell for this guy and wanted to see more of what he was about and then I ended up liking him even more. My fault really.
MrCastle Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 You guys are at 2 different stages of your life. He's close to 40, you're in your mid 20s.
TigerCub Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 You guys are at 2 different stages of your life. He's close to 40, you're in your mid 20s. Yeah he's close to 40 and according to him - he's dating a girl to please his parents Oyi...when does he plan to become a man and date whoever the hell he wants? OP, don't buy that crap he's telling you about dating her because his family wants him to. He's full of crap. If this girl is real or not, it doesn't matter, because he's testing your limits and what you will and will not put up with, and you're showing him that you will put up with being the back burner girl. You should value yourself more. 1
Phantom888 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Sorry OP. He is totally playing you, and stringing you along so in case it doesn't work out with this other girl, you are his back up plan, as stated earlier. Why did you even bother sleeping with him, knowing that he has plans with some other girl? Doesn't sound like there is anything more than sex between you two. Yes the age difference often means he can manipulate you to think there is more. He has been dating at least 12 years longer than you. I can learn a lot in 12 years....so can you. Don't you think?
antonio1149 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 There's nothing wrong with dating different people and trying to figure out who you're most compatible with--provided you're not having sex with any of them. I think the physical intimacy is the mistake here. I'd say the guy's character is questionable based on what you've written. But if you really like him that much, and IF he decides not to pursue the other woman, and IF he still wants you, I'd go out with him and let him court you but no sex for two or three months just to be sure.
veggirl Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 LOL seriously he is 38 and "has" to date a girl to appease his parents. Wow what a turn on. A mama's boy, so sexy! No, he doesn't "have" to try things with her, he WANTS to try things with her. Don't make excuses for him. Esp when the excuse makes him sound totally pathetic!
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