Author ellisjp Posted November 10, 2013 Author Posted November 10, 2013 Really, I will put this as nicely as possible... I think you really need to work on your anxieties when it comes to relationships or interactions with women. I don't know where to direct you but you are taking things way to seriously trying to pre-plan what you are going to say/etc. Just be natural and talk to her like you would a guy friend BUT be flirty with her too..If she is accepting invites that is a good sign. I mean I understand. I do have some anxiety problems, I'll admit it. But I've also never really had much success with women. Maybe its the chicken or the egg argument; every girl I've ever have gotten to know and liked has rejected me. And at 22yo its pretty bizarre to most people, I'm just the one that has to live with it. When I get into confusing/knife-edge situations like this, I literally only have failure to go off of, but just try to put those in the back of my mind and go into a new situation. So forgive me if I seem like I ask too many questions or worry about bad outcomes.
heartshaped Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I'd be willing to bet your problem OP is you end up friendzoned a lot. I can see it from here. You aren't aggressive enough and even if I was a woman that was into you I would be in a gray area about whether you were into me too. I don't think this particular woman is into you, but that's just my two cents. She might be, it's really hard to tell. I think overall you just need to ask her on a date and make it very obvious that it is a date. Hell, use the word date if you need to.
Author ellisjp Posted November 10, 2013 Author Posted November 10, 2013 (edited) I'd be willing to bet your problem OP is you end up friendzoned a lot. I can see it from here. You aren't aggressive enough and even if I was a woman that was into you I would be in a gray area about whether you were into me too. I don't think this particular woman is into you, but that's just my two cents. She might be, it's really hard to tell. I think overall you just need to ask her on a date and make it very obvious that it is a date. Hell, use the word date if you need to. Yeah I guess that's the problem. Aggression. Its just hard to put the pieces together when you're so far behind the curve. Totally getting away from the topic. I would suppose its why I've been so pathetically unsuccessful at college. But damn, its like a self fulfilling prophecy. Most throw it right back in your face. And it becomes shake it off and try next time. But what if that happens 4,5,6 times? You really start to have no clue. Be nice to a girl - get written off as some beta phag (as most likely this situation). Be too physical/aggressive you get rejected as a jerk/arse (unless you're extremely good looking or in a highly desirable social situation - of which I am not). Getting back to this thing. Yeah I've probably shot myself in the foot with a bazooka not trying to make a 'big' move during the game. Now I have this dinner to go to (maybe), and I'm not sure what to do. This girl has probably friendzoned me, but its all my fault. Edited November 10, 2013 by ellisjp
d0nnivain Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I'm happy for you that you are having dinner with her. When you initially encounter her for dinner, lean over & give her a kiss hello on the cheek. It will break the no touching barrier. During the meal, reach across the table & hold her hand.
Lansing Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I tried sending you a PM but I or you aren't set up for them. I posted about this site in another thread but I don't want to look like I am spamming/promoting it but it really help me understand how women communicate/etc and it isn't about "pickup" but understanding the social dynamics. stoplosingwomen.com He has a free podcast on a ton of topics, I think if you listen to some it might help with your anxiety issues. I get the sense that you have read other PUA type stuff and I think that is clouding your mind. So much "junk" out there but this guy is down to earth and it isn't about tricking a woman/etc but about being yourself, standing up for yourself, etc.
Author ellisjp Posted November 10, 2013 Author Posted November 10, 2013 I just ended up cancelling going out to dinner and I'm just dropping this entirely. Too complicated, Too much fail, too obvious this was going to go pretty bad. that site you sent me was basically a giant list of everything I've done wrong in this situation. Its sort of sad given everything I've done with/for her but I just can't keep doing stuff and getting nowhere. Especially she's an attractive girl in college. She's probably booking up with other guys laughing at me this entire time.
FloridaKeys Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 WHAT??? Ok, I signed into this site just to reply to you. What did you say to her with regards to canceling for Monday, first of all? How did you go about it? SHE LIKES YOU. How much, you'll have to find out. I doubt she pocket dialed you. Basically, (no offense) it is time to man up and tell her that you'd like to take her on an official date. If you get rejected, it is her loss and sounds like you are giving up already anyway. Rather than wondering 'what if' forever, for which there is no greater pain, just ask for a date and find out once and for all. If she says yes, it means she has probably liked you all along and it will be time to plant one on her. Forget about the driving already. Who knows - kind of wacky, but maybe she wanted to use that as a test to see how nice you were, or wanted to spend quiet time with you. Maybe she has some issues. Who doesn't? Forgive her already. To me, she sounds like a very nice girl and you need to take a chance here. Be a man and DO IT! Otherwise, you're going to be having this problem all your life.
d0nnivain Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I just ended up cancelling going out to dinner and I'm just dropping this entirely. Too complicated, Too much fail, too obvious this was going to go pretty bad. that site you sent me was basically a giant list of everything I've done wrong in this situation. Its sort of sad given everything I've done with/for her but I just can't keep doing stuff and getting nowhere. Especially she's an attractive girl in college. She's probably booking up with other guys laughing at me this entire time. OMG. You are your own worst enemy. What does this girl have to do to prove to you that she likes you? Blow you in the quad? Yes she screwed up big time on the whole ride thing but most people make stupid mistakes in college. The commercial websites that "teach" guys how to get women are malarky. They are no better -- or worse -- then books like The Rules which teach women how to date. If you get 1-2 kernels of info out of them great but they are pop psychology. This girl is not laughing behind your back. Right now she's sitting trying to figure out what she did wrong to make this nice guy she met & had a good time with last week at a hockey game cancel the upcoming date for Monday.
Author ellisjp Posted November 10, 2013 Author Posted November 10, 2013 Because I'm sick of this. Just said hey got some stuff going on I forgot about and can't make it and she never responded. Whatever. Why should I have to work this hard for nothing? My roommate met his now fiance at a party a while back and *****ed each other stupid for weeks before they became 'official'. Granted I'll never be in that scenario most likely, but that's how it works nowadays. So why humiliate myself further?
FloridaKeys Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Humiliate? It's called putting yourself out there. Yes, if you are rejected it can be humiliating, but that's just how it is. You still have a chance to contact her, explain yourself and tell her how you feel. It is obvious you have feelings for her, because she's driving you crazy. There's nothing wrong in telling someone you like them. You are sabotaging any chance with her. Then again, if she says yes you may start to question her intentions! Anyway, to each his own...This thread is kind of sad to read, what a shame. I am feeling bad for the girl!
MrCastle Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 There are too many options in your single, young life to be this concerned about a woman you haven't gotten physical with. You're taking this way too seriously. Go after her aggressively (i.e. make it known that you're trying to hook up) and move on if the answer is not what you want. Life is too short to invest this much in a person who hasn't given you anything to invest in. People need to explore multiple options as opposed to wasting time trying to get a dead end to become a success. The sooner you find out what your odds of hooking up are, the sooner you can continue worrying about this chick or move on to someone else. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Why should I have to work this hard for nothing? My roommate met his now fiance at a party a while back and *****ed each other stupid for weeks before they became 'official'. Granted I'll never be in that scenario most likely, but that's how it works nowadays. So why humiliate myself further? You havw worked harder in this thread than with the girl. If you had made a move, you wouldn't be in this position, Clearly you forgot that this date happened because she called you. Even if it was a butt dial. BTW it couldn't have been a butt dial . . . after all that time do you really think on Saturday days after you drove her that you were the last person she called. BS! You know why your buddy got busy with his now FI & has a woman in his life? Because he made a move. It's over at this point. You already cancelled the date but there could have been something here if you had made half the effort on a live woman as you have on this thread.
ArcaneLady Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Dude, chill. Ask her if she likes you. If she does, take her out. Kiss her. If she doesn't, go out with another girl. And find a way to deal with your anxiety. I'm learning to deal with mine so you're not alone. Don't overthink. Ask the questions and don't complicate it. You're just a guy who likes a girl. You're not trying to solve the Middle East situation.
Author ellisjp Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 I know everything is my fault. Move/no move, making her want me, its 100% my fault. It was just too much effort for basically nothing. Its almost a given that she's getting hers with other guys, just makes me feel like a beta r tard. I feel stupid for even engaging in any of this. Should have just invited her over like any other dude and if she didn't want just toss her out of my life immediately
ArcaneLady Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Colour me confused, but what did you want out of this? To have sex or to actually date her and have a relationship? 1
Author ellisjp Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Colour me confused, but what did you want out of this? To have sex or to actually date her and have a relationship? I mean I started to really get attracted to her and like her, so I wanted a relationship so to speak. But I guess I shat the bed in terms of being super physical and she kinda used me thanklessly for rides. So I gave up. Should have listened to my more enlightened friends: You don't 'date' anymore, never, ever spend a dime on a girl you havent hooked up with- you just end up disappointed. I thought that was kind of mean, but its true
ArcaneLady Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Oh dear. This sounds like you took her out to quote Austin Powers, expecting a shag. I don't think she used you for rides. She had a train/bus (?) timetable, you offered to give her a lift and was quite insistent about it. She's not turned you down flat, and it turns out all you want is sex. I thought the days of "dinner the. Sex" were done?? Two things: you need some new friends and you just need to sit down with this girl and say "I like you. Can I kiss you and can we go out somewhere nice and talk". Relax. If you want a one night stand for sex, go To a club and hook up. But for goodness sake if that's what you're after expect shallow connections and protect yourself. 1
Kate9292 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Because I'm sick of this. Just said hey got some stuff going on I forgot about and can't make it and she never responded. Whatever. Why should I have to work this hard for nothing? My roommate met his now fiance at a party a while back and *****ed each other stupid for weeks before they became 'official'. Granted I'll never be in that scenario most likely, but that's how it works nowadays. So why humiliate myself further? Excuse me? Where is hard work? Where is humiliation? Are you feeling entitled to "screwing her for weeks before you become official" just because you took her once to watch some game? Really? You need an attitude check. Its almost a given that she's getting hers with other guys, just makes me feel like a beta r tard. Yes, you do need it. This girl spent some time with you and obviously wanted to spend more. Yet you arbitrarily decided that it's "too much effort" and cancelled on her. Why? Because you didn't get laid first time and assumed "she's getting hers with other guys" and you must be a "beta tard"? Jesus! Honestly, don't date anyone until you get over it. 1
FloridaKeys Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 Bump. Anything happen? Have you talked with her?
Author ellisjp Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 (edited) Bump. Anything happen? Have you talked with her? We ended up going out to dinner. Just not that night. Saw her in class and asked again/mutually rescheduled. Ironically enough she was actually relieved, I cancelled, she had procrastinated on something and was in a pinch that night. It was fun/fine but she just didn't seem interested and I didn't make a move and didn't tell her how I felt. Like we were having a fun time but it just seemed like she had 'rejection' written on her forehead while I was with her. I mean I'm not expecting her to grab my face and pull me in, but the 'girl moves' (bite lip, get incredibly shy at something flirty, look me in the eyes/lips when i drop her off) just weren't there, unless I'm really that awful at reading stuff. I mean its my fault that I didn't do anything, I can't blame anyone else. I just get really insecure sometimes, which is like a nail in the coffin for a guy. Like I hear stories, have friends that have girls all over them and they really don't do anything for them, with them, etc. And it makes me confused. So although we have fun and get along great, she just doesnt seem interested in anything more serious than being a casual friend, still talk and. And since I didn't go for broke I guess that's that. We've still been talking. But with tests/projects/papers all due before Thanksgiving, not much time for stuff that isn't serious. Just chalk it up as a loss in the book. Edited November 21, 2013 by ellisjp
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