LambentLight Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Hi all This is a brilliant site, so pleased I found it! Hoping some of you have some advice on moving in with a new partner after my divorce - I have 2 children aged under 8 I've been separated for 3.5 years and divorced for about 1.5. In that time I have had a few relationships but never introduced them to my children, mostly because I never felt the relationship was serious enough. Anyway, my point is that I don't casually introduce my children, but they have met my new girlfriend and seem to really like her (they ask to go and see her when they are with me) I've now met someone who I am totally in love with. It's been about 4 months, which some may see as quite fast, but we spend a lot of time together, I practically live at her house except when the kids come for the weekend - they still come to my house which I'm paying for basically just for them. I know how I feel and am very committed to this relationship We've lately been talking about moving in together, maybe in a couple of months. I'm just wandering if this is too soon? I know my ex will say it is, but she disapproves of everything I do, so hoping for some impartial advice Look forward to hearing from you
d0nnivain Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 It depends on you but how sure are you that this is going to work? What messages will your actions send your kids? What happens if this doesn't work?
Author LambentLight Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 As certain as I can be, if there were no kids involved I wouldn't even question it. So my question isn't around is this going to work, I'm sure it will, it's should I wait longer? If so, why?
d0nnivain Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 It's entirely up to you. Although personally with kids involved, I wouldn't dream of moving in with somebody for at least 6 months. I know that's arbitrary but 4 is just too soon. A year would be better.
fluffyfluff Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Don't move in until after 2 years. Do you want to marry her for ever? It's not a trial run and you can't risk it with kids. 2
Ryan_Talon Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 It depends how committed you are to making it work thought hell or high water. My fiancée had been divorced from her ex-husband 6 months before we met, through mutual friends. She had a 14 year old daughter (16 now) from a pervious relationship and 3 year old twin boys (now 5). We moved in quite quickly because of she need a new place to live and I had a half empty house, it seemed silly to throw money, which was tight for her, away when we were very committed. It hasn't been easy! The boys we're like ducks to water, they call me dad now any everything. Her daughters been much more of a challenge, she split with her husband because she found out he'd been abusive towards her daughter. Unfortunately her daughter finds I very hard to trust someone in that 'father figure' role now, but that's our set of issues, they wont be yours, but you just have to be prepared that somewhere along the way you will get issues...is your relationship strong enough to deal with them?
Elliotte Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 4 months? Sorry but that is way too soon in my opinion, because I have made this EXACT MISTAKE. I moved in with a gf after 4 months of her spending most evenings at my place, she got along great with my son and I. Once she moved in with us the relationship took a nosedive and left my son reeling. He already had issues with his mom being a flake and me jumping into a living situation with a new woman, then things ended badly only piled on more to his insecurities and fears, leading to more misbehavior and a him taking her absence personally. A lot of kids are learning the world doesn't revolve around them, and when someone leaves their life, they often take it as their own failure. There is a HUGE difference between living with someone and spending a bunch of your free time with that person, the logic of "well we spend most nights at each others' places, might as well live together" is horribly flawed. If you were not a father, I'd say you were moving to fast. But having kids only compounds the fact that you need to TAKE THINGS SLOW with a new partner and the possibility of living together, it is a responsibility you have when being a single parent! 1
MsOptimist Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 This is so very similar to my situation! I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months now, we are both divorced and he has 2 kids (4 and 8). I am the first girlfriend that he has introduced to his kids after his divorce and we are serious and see a real future here. We have just begun to talk about eventually moving in together and how that will impact everyone - the kids, me since I do not have kids nor have lived with them, etc. We won't be making any moves until 6-10 months down the road, if not longer, due to current leases anyways. But we can start preparing for all of this. We're taking it very slowly with the kids, just getting together for fun things with me included about once a week. I've watched them by myself and have more plans to do that soon. I agree with you in that if there were no kids involved it would be a very simple matter since we're practically moved in when we doesn't have the kids anyways (he has them 50-60% of the time).
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