5 months since break up update

[aloneinaz]

I'm not sure how many people remember from a few months ago when I last was on this site. It did help me to read and spend time on this site when my ex and I broke up 5 months ago.

 

We dated off/on for almost 1.5 years. We broke up too many times with me dumping her a few times but mainly her ending it. We always reconnected only for the same issues to reappear again and again. My ex had some pretty significant emotional issues and a temper along with being controlling. She ended it the last time and I told her when leaving I was done with her for good and she wouldn't hear from me again.

 

I was pretty hurt and upset for the first 2 weeks. I then joined some dating sites and started dating. Some thought it was a bad idea while other thought it was a good idea. I dated quite a bit and then dated on girl for around a month. She too had a bag full of issues and we stopped dating. I then met another gal on a dating site that I REALLY clicked with. We're approaching 3 months now of being in great relationship together. She's so normal, sweet, loving, etc. I'm madly in love w/her and am greatful that she's in my life.

 

The ex and I have had zero contact since it ended. I'm quite certain that she had checked out a few weeks before she ended it. She really is a nasty, self center person who has few friends or relationships due to it. I had blocked her on Facebook after we broke up but unblocked her a couple of months ago cause I don't care anymore. Do I still think of her, sure. Sadly, my thoughts immediately go to why I put up with her BS for as long as I did. She's simply an un-happy person and a buddy who is also single saw her on a dating site two weeks ago. Awe, too bad she hasn't met anyone as yet.

 

Anyway, to the recently dumped, let me offer my experience in what helped me cope, heal and move on.

 

1. NO CONTACT! This can't be stressed enough.

2. Get rid of any pictures, gifts or other things that remind of them. If you don't want to pitch them, put them in a box or move your pictures, emails, or whatever else on to a flash drive to they are not easily accessible. I did a "cleansing" of my house when we broke up. I pitched everything she gave me or had memories of her. I deleted most of the emails and pictures off my computer. i kept on a few that had strong memories for me. They are now sealed in a box in my attic. Most people believe in simply throwing out everything and deleting anything on you computer and phone to include their texts and pictures.

3. Don't stay locked in your house for months having a pity party. What good does that do? TO be alone and ruminate about someone who dumped you and moved on w/their life is a waste of time. Get out of the house. Go the gym. Join some new groups. Hang w/friends.

4. DATE new people as soon as you can. Some won't agree with this but in my case, it was a huge reason I was able to heal and move on from my psycho ex. Being home, alone, lonely and miserable for months simply didn't appeal to me. I was honest with every girl I dated. They knew I was from a fresh relationship and was looking for company and possibly more. I'm so greatfull I did this. I would of never met my new girlfriend who BLOWS my old one out of the water in every way.

5. Remember the old saying... "This too shall pass". Nothing replace time going by in helping you heal and move on. I was in pretty good pain the first few weeks. It also triggered some mild anxiety as well. As time passed and I dated other women, it only reminded and reinforced w/me that my ex had issues and there were plenty of other fish in the sea.

 

Good luck to all and remember, everyone heals.

[StraylightRun24]

I'm glad to hear you're doing great alone!

 

While I have a difference of opinion on dating immediately after a BU (I guess it's just a matter of personality or what not) you give some excellent advice to the recently brokenhearted.

[aloneinaz]

My ex GF and I broke up in late May. We'd broken up a few times earlier in the year for short periods but always got back together, with usually me getting her back. When she ended it in May, I was done.

 

For the next few weeks, I was hurting pretty bad. I really loved her and tried a lot to make us work. She just had too many emotional issues, temper, anger, etc.. I got fed up and pulled myself off the floor and started dating in mid-late June. It was hard at first but I didn't want to sit at home feeling sorry for myself. I dated a lot at first then met a girl and dated her for a few weeks before realizing she wasn't the right one. I then met another girl in early August and we've been dating since. I'm in love with her now. This doesn't mean I didn't think of my ex cause I did. When I thought of her, it was usually in the context of how could she be such selfish, nasty, emotional mess. Lord knows I'm not perfect but, DAMN, she was just not nice towards the end. The first few months, I often wondered if I'd ever talk to her again. I knew I wouldn't contact her after the way she treated me that last few months. I really was hurting cause I truly didn't believe I deserved to be treated the way she treated me.

 

Fast forward to Friday. I was home asleep in the early pm. My ex had the balls to stop by my home and ring the door bell to talk to me. Really? You think it's ok to just "stop by" my home? I remember hearing the door bell half asleep but didn't get up. The next day, my new girlfriend and I are home and I get a long text. It's from her. Apologizing for not being the girlfriend I deserved, for not appreciating all I did for her and her kids, hoped I could forgive her someday, etc.. I ignored her of course.

 

So, my question to you all is this- What would you do if you'd opened the door to see your ex who dumped you standing there? Would you shut the door again? Talk to them? Invite them in? I'm curious..

[barky2]

Honestly when my ex came back I made her work for a loooong time before I even hypothetically opened the door.

 

Something happened, something didn't work out, and now she's returning to what's comfortable.

 

Screw that.

 

Continue with the new girl and keep that door shut.

 

 

If I was talking to one of my boys, I'd tell him don't be surprised if this is just the beginning of texts and calls and random show ups.

 

Don't budge dude.

 

 

 

Barky

[aloneinaz]

Honestly when my ex came back I made her work for a loooong time before I even hypothetically opened the door.

 

Something happened, something didn't work out, and now she's returning to what's comfortable.

 

Screw that.

 

Continue with the new girl and keep that door shut.

 

 

If I was talking to one of my boys, I'd tell him don't be surprised if this is just the beginning of texts and calls and random show ups.

 

Don't budge dude.

 

 

 

Barky

 

Good points and thoughts Barky.. Thanks..

I agree in that she clearly hasn't met anyone, realizes what a good BF I was to her and her kids and now is fishing to see what kind of reaction she'd get from me by reaching out and apologizing for her behavior. Clearly she wanted to see me since she came to my door. I only wish my GF was home when she rang the door bell and then answered the door..

 

Advice from my friends and family is to not even answer the door if she comes over again..

 

Other thoughts?

[Simon Phoenix]

Good points and thoughts Barky.. Thanks..

I agree in that she clearly hasn't met anyone, realizes what a good BF I was to her and her kids and now is fishing to see what kind of reaction she'd get from me by reaching out and apologizing for her behavior. Clearly she wanted to see me since she came to my door. I only wish my GF was home when she rang the door bell and then answered the door..

 

Advice from my friends and family is to not even answer the door if she comes over again..

 

Other thoughts?

 

I think your friends pretty much covered it.

[hurts2death]

open the door and council her , tell her that people aint comodities,talk her about morals and ethics, talk to her about loyalty.then advice her to go to a college or scholl to get some maturity, wish her the best and politely ask her to leave.you could also charge the session.

My ex GF and I broke up in late May. We'd broken up a few times earlier in the year for short periods but always got back together, with usually me getting her back. When she ended it in May, I was done.

 

For the next few weeks, I was hurting pretty bad. I really loved her and tried a lot to make us work. She just had too many emotional issues, temper, anger, etc.. I got fed up and pulled myself off the floor and started dating in mid-late June. It was hard at first but I didn't want to sit at home feeling sorry for myself. I dated a lot at first then met a girl and dated her for a few weeks before realizing she wasn't the right one. I then met another girl in early August and we've been dating since. I'm in love with her now. This doesn't mean I didn't think of my ex cause I did. When I thought of her, it was usually in the context of how could she be such selfish, nasty, emotional mess. Lord knows I'm not perfect but, DAMN, she was just not nice towards the end. The first few months, I often wondered if I'd ever talk to her again. I knew I wouldn't contact her after the way she treated me that last few months. I really was hurting cause I truly didn't believe I deserved to be treated the way she treated me.

 

Fast forward to Friday. I was home asleep in the early pm. My ex had the balls to stop by my home and ring the door bell to talk to me. Really? You think it's ok to just "stop by" my home? I remember hearing the door bell half asleep but didn't get up. The next day, my new girlfriend and I are home and I get a long text. It's from her. Apologizing for not being the girlfriend I deserved, for not appreciating all I did for her and her kids, hoped I could forgive her someday, etc.. I ignored her of course.

 

So, my question to you all is this- What would you do if you'd opened the door to see your ex who dumped you standing there? Would you shut the door again? Talk to them? Invite them in? I'm curious..

[xpaperxcutx]

open the door and council her , tell her that people aint comodities,talk her about morals and ethics, talk to her about loyalty.then advice her to go to a college or scholl to get some maturity, wish her the best and politely ask her to leave.you could also charge the session.

 

Or just tell her the truth- You're in a loving relationship and you have no wishes to get back with her.

[aloneinaz]

Or just tell her the truth- You're in a loving relationship and you have no wishes to get back with her.

 

I honestly don't want to see her or talk to her which is why I wouldn't open the front door. I still have too much anger in me, mainly towards myself for putting up with her BS for as long as I did. I think ignoring her shows strong indifference towards the situation and she'll likely think "wow, I was such an ass to him that he's simply ignoring me".. She knows I'm on good terms w/all my exes, as that's important to me. W/me not wanting any interaction w/her at all, this will really hit home that there are consequences for her behavior/actions.

 

I'm also in the camp that dumpers get curious when the dumpees disappear from their lives and don't contact them. She hasn't heard **** from me since I walked out her door. I've read that dumpers ego's get bruised and they then try and reengage to see if they still can get the dumpee to jump and chase them again.. Yea, not happening..

[lop98]

I'd do exactly what you did.

[aloneinaz]

Just curious for opinion so please share yours-

 

My ex and I were together 1.3 years. We broke up multiple times with usually her ending it or an argument. It was typically me that went back to her to try again. She ended the relationship in May and I was done. I went NC to heal and move on. I dated a lot and met a wonderful girl that I'm in love with now. We've been together now for 3 months. Do I still think of my ex, absolutely though its usually in the context of not understanding her and how she treated others. She was a very emotional, moody, angry, type A woman with a temper. I allowed her to be pretty nasty to me the last few months.

 

Anyway, fast forward to last Friday. I was home and my car was in the driveway. I was napping and heard the door bell. I was too asleep to get up. The next day I get a text from the ex. It's the first communication since I walked out her door. She said she stopped by to tell me in person yesterday but I wasn't home. She apologized for hurting me, for not being the girlfriend I deserved, for not appreciating all I did for her and her kids. She ended it with hoping I forgive her someday and hoping I was taking good care of myself. She signed it her name.

 

My new girlfriend was home and heard stories about this ex. We both refer to our recent ex's as douce bags. I let her read it. She said it was the ex's attempt to try and get back in my life. I home sick today and have been thinking about what her intensions were in making contact w/me again. She was on dating sites less than a week after ending our relationship and my opinion was she had checked out a few weeks before ending it. She can see some of my posting's on Facebook (if she looks?) that have me and my new GF at different events.

 

So, share your opinion as to what her motive is to contact me again.

[Philosoraptor]

Who cares what her reasons are? You are over her and onto a new woman, one who hopefully doesn't treat you as bad as your ex did.

[Zahara]

What does intent matter?

 

She treated you badly, you shouldn't even be pondering on anything, unless there's residual feelings within that is looking to see if this could mean anything in terms of probably getting together. Focus on your new girlfriend.

 

I had an ex do this and I couldn't give a crap what his intent was because I was done with him.

[aloneinaz]

Who cares what her reasons are? You are over her and onto a new woman, one who hopefully doesn't treat you as bad as your ex did.

 

Raptor, I always enjoy your postings and agree with you statement. I'm just sick, bored and laying in bed wanting to know what's other have experienced or heard of when an ex reappears. What say you? You've been on these boards for a while. Share:)

[Philosoraptor]

They were lonely, want to hold you from moving on so you'd still be around just in case they changed their mind, wanted better karma, got their phone stolen and had the theif mass texted that to everyone in their contact list, they were banging someone with their phone in their pocket and somehow when they were bouncing around those exact keys were hit?

[aloneinaz]

They were lonely, want to hold you from moving on so you'd still be around just in case they changed their mind, wanted better karma, got their phone stolen and had the theif mass texted that to everyone in their contact list, they were banging someone with their phone in their pocket and somehow when they were bouncing around those exact keys were hit?

 

Sorry I asked..

[aloneinaz]

What does intent matter?

 

She treated you badly, you shouldn't even be pondering on anything, unless there's residual feelings within that is looking to see if this could mean anything in terms of probably getting together. Focus on your new girlfriend.

 

I had an ex do this and I couldn't give a crap what his intent was because I was done with him.

 

Why does intent matter? Because we're human and as such, are curious creatures.

 

I agree with what you're saying that it really shouldn't matter since I've moved on, however; it's still interesting to understand peoples motivations. My girlfriend told me after reading the text that vindication feels good huh. Her ex who dumped her had called her a month before and she ignored him.

 

So, anyway, if anyone else has some thoughts besides "who cares, move on", please share.

[organizedchaos]

Why does intent matter? Because we're human and as such, are curious creatures.

 

I agree with what you're saying that it really shouldn't matter since I've moved on, however; it's still interesting to understand peoples motivations. My girlfriend told me after reading the text that vindication feels good huh. Her ex who dumped her had called her a month before and she ignored him.

 

So, anyway, if anyone else has some thoughts besides "who cares, move on", please share.

 

She's lonely and testing the waters to see if you'll take the initiative to see her and take her back.

[2fargone]

She's lonely and testing the waters to see if you'll take the initiative to see her and take her back.

 

 

 

I wouldn't go that far... For some it's enough just to know you're still 'there'. Even if only they perceive it as such...

[aloneinaz]

She's lonely and testing the waters to see if you'll take the initiative to see her and take her back.

 

Yea, I told my current GF that I saw no value in her texting me an apology. The fact that she came to my door first after 6 months of NC indicates that she wanted to see me, come in and talk. We broke up one time for a month. I stopped by her house after 30 days. She immediately opened the door and asked if I wanted to come in. We ended up talking for hours, having sex and agreeing to get back together. She said then that she didn't have the guts to come to my house after a month. Hum.. wonder if this is why she came by..

[aloneinaz]

I wouldn't go that far... For some it's enough just to know you're still 'there'. Even if only they perceive it as such...

 

 

Well, I'm happy to not validate that I'm there or not. She got ignored. I'm sure she's questioning if I still have this phone number or not..

[Zahara]

Why does intent matter? Because we're human and as such, are curious creatures.

 

I agree with what you're saying that it really shouldn't matter since I've moved on, however; it's still interesting to understand peoples motivations. My girlfriend told me after reading the text that vindication feels good huh. Her ex who dumped her had called her a month before and she ignored him.

 

So, anyway, if anyone else has some thoughts besides "who cares, move on", please share.

 

There's nothing to be curious about when you already know what could possibly be their intent. You've been on LS for awhile and I am sure you've given advice based on the same old routine when dumpers contact dumpees. You've read these types of thread a million times. This is nothing new to you.

 

What do you want to hear? She realized she lost a good thing and now she's coming back hoping for reconciliation? She realized she was wrong and is extending an apology. She realized there are no prospects out there and is running back to you. Only she knows what her ACTUAL intent is. Your curiosity can only come up with several conclusions, and none will give you the answer you truly want.

 

The fact that you are putting all this effort into wanting to know why, is disconcerting. How does your girlfriend feel about the extent of your curiosity and efforts into finding out why your ex is contacting you again. Your girlfriend's ex contacted her and she ignored him. I wonder if she went on a forum and created a thread questioning it and placing this much reflection on it?

 

Focus on your new girlfriend. Unless it's an ego boost to you or could be worse, you're still feeling emotional about her, I can't see any other reason why you would place this much thought into it.

Edited November 13, 2013 by Zahara

[Chi townD]

She's just unloading her guilt. She's had a few months to think about what happened and how she treated you and came to the conclusion that you weren't the demon she thought you were.

 

Just ignore it.

[Philosoraptor]

Sorry I asked..

 

Sarcasm and extremes not funny to you? Crazy answers are only follow ups to the main point... why in the world does it matter why she contacted you.

 

I agree with the above, you're way too concerned with her reasons. If you've truly moved on it doesn't matter why she contacted you. Even if she begged for you back it shouldn't concern you. No ego stroking or "justice" feelings gained, just pity that she's still hurting and not fully healed yet.

[aloneinaz]

There's nothing to be curious about when you already know what could possibly be their intent. You've been on LS for awhile and I am sure you've given advice based on the same old routine when dumpers contact dumpees. You've read these types of thread a million times. This is nothing new to you.

 

What do you want to hear? She realized she lost a good thing and now she's coming back hoping for reconciliation? She realized she was wrong and is extending an apology. She realized there are no prospects out there and is running back to you. Only she knows what her ACTUAL intent is. Your curiosity can only come up with several conclusions, and none will give you the answer you truly want.

 

The fact that you are putting all this effort into wanting to know why, is disconcerting. How does your girlfriend feel about the extent of your curiosity and efforts into finding out why your ex is contacting you again. Your girlfriend's ex contacted her and she ignored him. I wonder if she went on a forum and created a thread questioning it and placing this much reflection on it?

 

Focus on your new girlfriend. Unless it's an ego boost to you or could be worse, you're still feeling emotional about her, I can't see any other reason why you would place this much thought into it.

 

Again, I agree with your points that you and Raptor are making. My GF and her ex have been broken up a year, so she's far in front of me in time passing and healing. She know's my ex contacting me bothered me. She also knows I would NEVER go back to her again.

 

To be honest and forthright, my ex HURT me bad. I didn't deserve how I was treated by her like many of us dumpees. She was the first LTR to dump me. It was hard as hell to pick myself up, not contact her again and move forward to start dating again. I'm grateful that I was so lucky to meet my current GF. At the same time, very few people are capable of having no residual feelings for someone they were VERY in love with after only 5 months apart.

 

So, yes, I am hoping that she has concluded that she made a mistake. Regrets what she lost. Is possibly hurting a bit like I did when I was kicked to the curb. I guess this means I am still a bit emotional about it. This doesn't mean I want her back, far from it. I guess it means I'm simply trying to understand human behavior and why people do the things they do. It also has helped my self esteem and ego to hear from her that I was a good person to her and her kids and she screwed up.

 

I do appreciate everyone taking the time to post their thoughts.