greenfairie Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Why would an ex-boyfriend send a happy birthday text? We were together for 4-5 years… we broke up shortly before my birthday last year and he never sent me a happy birthday text, he did 3 days after my birthday though. Obviously, I still really do love him still but I've accepted the fact we can't be together. I finally stopped trying to fix things with him about six months ago. He contacted me twice or three times afterwards, inviting me to his girlfriend's birthday party… That girlfriend he's dating was my old best friend, sadly which is why I do not want to maintain contact for good. This year, he chose to text me happy birthday first thing in the morning. I was surprised and taken aback. I didn't want to read too much into the message but honestly, we weren't on good terms so that's why I'm more curious why he sent the message. I'm really trying hard to keep the NC going, it's hard not to say thanks but my family and closest friends tell me NOT to and that he hurt me too much, I don't owe him a thing and I agree with them but my heart tells me otherwise… Do you guys understand why a guy who's been playing cold and hot for so long would randomly send their ex-girlfriend a happy birthday text? And would the ex-boyfriend care if you ignored them?
headinthecloud Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 I'm sorry youre going through this, he's not being fair to you. Don't reply. He obviously misses you, but he doesn't want you back. If he really cared about you he never would've started dating your friend. He sounds very selfish - you deserve better. It' time to cut him out of your life completely. Stay NC. 4
ponchsox Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Selfish people do this. The are takers, not givers. They only do it to satisfy their needs. 3
Author greenfairie Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 Thanks. I have not attempted to contact him in about six months. Before that, I was that crazy ex blowing up his phone pleading to work things out which I feel so embarrassed about now. I am really proud of myself for staying strong with the N.C.
Author greenfairie Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 Can you be a bit more specific please? I would like to know what kind of needs these selfish people are trying to satisfy.
BC1980 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Can you be a bit more specific please? I would like to know what kind of needs these selfish people are trying to satisfy. Lessening their guilt for one thing. My ex was very good at this. 2
d0nnivain Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 He may have sent the text because his breaking up with you notwithstanding he's not a complete a $$ hole. You were together for a long time & he genuinely hopes you are having a nice birthday. Do not think it means he wants to get back together. 1
Author greenfairie Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 He may have sent the text because his breaking up with you notwithstanding he's not a complete a $$ hole. You were together for a long time & he genuinely hopes you are having a nice birthday. Do not think it means he wants to get back together. Sometimes I feel like it's a way to get back into my life feeling like everything he did to hurt me was okay. I'm not going to lie, I do wonder if he wants to get back together 1
Author greenfairie Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 Lessening their guilt for one thing. My ex was very good at this. I don't understand. How does this even make them feel better? I don't see how saying happy birthday would lessen their guilt.
Zahara Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 I don't understand. How does this even make them feel better? I don't see how saying happy birthday would lessen their guilt. It's not about what he's saying but his intent -- wishing you a happy birthday opens the lines of communication. He's using your birthday as a reason to communicate. If you respond -- accepting his communication indicates that you're "okay" with him. You are no longer upset/angry at him and he feels like the good guy. 3
lindsay1990 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 I second Zahara. This is why I, immaturely or not, told my ex to eff off after I got breadcrumbs. Told him I felt I never knew him at all and what I had seen throughout the break up was enough to not want to get to know him, told him all I knew was I was relieved to be away from him and his people, told him our r/ship was at best a sham and at worst a nightmare. Why? I knew I neeeever wanted to get back together with him, and I knew I would get over it eventually. But I would never, ever make him feel better but acting friendly or letting him know I don't hate him any more. When we respond amicably to breadcrumbs or give our friendship, ultimately we are saying "Yeah, it was hard but it wasn't that bad". It's like they can think "Well, I couldn't have hurt her that much if she's willing to be friendly, I can't be that much of a jerk, look, she's okay and we're all happy now. See? I'm not a bad guy, it just 'didn't work out' ". I know it sounds manipulative and game-playing and maybe I've just become a cynic through my whole ordeal, but it doesn't sound one of those breakups where you both just grew apart or became better friends than lovers you know? Getting with your best-friend sounds bad enough. Sounds like one those things I wouldn't let somebody feel off the hook over, even if I have long put it past me. Why did it take him until this year and not last year? Because they're probably hoping you're over it and they can stop being the *******s. 3
lindsay1990 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Sometimes I feel like it's a way to get back into my life feeling like everything he did to hurt me was okay. I'm not going to lie, I do wonder if he wants to get back together I hadn't seen this but exactly my thoughts. Smart cookie. Don't reply or just a terse "Thanks". But I wouldn't bother. 1
Author greenfairie Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 It's not about what he's saying but his intent -- wishing you a happy birthday opens the lines of communication. He's using your birthday as a reason to communicate. If you respond -- accepting his communication indicates that you're "okay" with him. You are no longer upset/angry at him and he feels like the good guy. You mean it's their excuse to have a chance to talk with us? It's strange they choose birthdays out of all days in the year to send a message.
Author greenfairie Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 I second Zahara. This is why I, immaturely or not, told my ex to eff off after I got breadcrumbs. Told him I felt I never knew him at all and what I had seen throughout the break up was enough to not want to get to know him, told him all I knew was I was relieved to be away from him and his people, told him our r/ship was at best a sham and at worst a nightmare. Why? I knew I neeeever wanted to get back together with him, and I knew I would get over it eventually. But I would never, ever make him feel better but acting friendly or letting him know I don't hate him any more. When we respond amicably to breadcrumbs or give our friendship, ultimately we are saying "Yeah, it was hard but it wasn't that bad". It's like they can think "Well, I couldn't have hurt her that much if she's willing to be friendly, I can't be that much of a jerk, look, she's okay and we're all happy now. See? I'm not a bad guy, it just 'didn't work out' ". I know it sounds manipulative and game-playing and maybe I've just become a cynic through my whole ordeal, but it doesn't sound one of those breakups where you both just grew apart or became better friends than lovers you know? Getting with your best-friend sounds bad enough. Sounds like one those things I wouldn't let somebody feel off the hook over, even if I have long put it past me. Why did it take him until this year and not last year? Because they're probably hoping you're over it and they can stop being the *******s. You seriously told your ex off? I couldn't do that. I don't have the balls to lol. Should I just tell my ex off? Honestly, I just want to run away from my ex boyfriend now. I just feel so horrible and embarrassed about how everything turned out, I can't see myself being around or with him ever. It's really sad but for the best. The last time I saw him, I was friendly. I really wanted to scream at him though but knew he wasn't my boyfriend anymore so how could I have the right to say anything since I hurt him as well too? He would use whatever I did like dating other guys while we were on a "break"
Zahara Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 You mean it's their excuse to have a chance to talk with us? It's strange they choose birthdays out of all days in the year to send a message. Why is it strange? Birthdays are the best excuse and you see it on here all the time. Dumpees do it. Dumpers do it. The chances of getting rejected are lessened because why would anyone be unkind enough to ignore a thoughtful message. It's about picking the perfect opportunity. 2
lindsay1990 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 You seriously told your ex off? I couldn't do that. I don't have the balls to lol. Should I just tell my ex off? Honestly, I just want to run away from my ex boyfriend now. I just feel so horrible and embarrassed about how everything turned out, I can't see myself being around or with him ever. It's really sad but for the best. The last time I saw him, I was friendly. I really wanted to scream at him though but knew he wasn't my boyfriend anymore so how could I have the right to say anything since I hurt him as well too? He would use whatever I did like dating other guys while we were on a "break" Haha noooo you shouldn't tell him off. I did becauwe the message I got from him read just like a slapnin the face ane I had HAD IT with him trying to look loke the bigger person. No need to tell anybody off unless you feel youbHAVE to (like I personally did) becausr essentially you are just showing your a$$.
BC1980 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Birthdays and holidays are prime time for text crumbs. They may even be lessening guilt on a subconscious level. I think my ex probably falls into that category because he was a decent guy. Remember that it's really easy to send a text because you don't have to actually face the person. Texting holds so little weight with me since my breakup because I saw how detrimental it was for my healing. Don't respond to the text. If he were halfway serious about getting back together, he would actually make a real effort and call at the least. 2
Author greenfairie Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 Why is it strange? Birthdays are the best excuse and you see it on here all the time. Dumpees do it. Dumpers do it. The chances of getting rejected are lessened because why would anyone be unkind enough to ignore a thoughtful message. It's about picking the perfect opportunity. How would they take it if we decided not to reply to the message even though we thought it was a nice gesture?
BC1980 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 How would they take it if we decided not to reply to the message even though we thought it was a nice gesture? They probably don't worry about it as much as we would like. Notice there are no threads on here by dumpers agonizing over whether to send a text. That's why I say don't respond because these texts are usually so meaningless in the overall picture. If anything, it might hurt their ego for a few minutes just because people hate to be ignored. If you respond, it makes him feel less of an a$$. If you don't, he might have to think for a minute. At the end of the day, it's a useless text. Treat it as such. 1
Riou Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Why would an ex-boyfriend send a happy birthday text? We were together for 4-5 years… we broke up shortly before my birthday last year and he never sent me a happy birthday text, he did 3 days after my birthday though. Obviously, I still really do love him still but I've accepted the fact we can't be together. I finally stopped trying to fix things with him about six months ago. He contacted me twice or three times afterwards, inviting me to his girlfriend's birthday party… That girlfriend he's dating was my old best friend, sadly which is why I do not want to maintain contact for good. This year, he chose to text me happy birthday first thing in the morning. I was surprised and taken aback. I didn't want to read too much into the message but honestly, we weren't on good terms so that's why I'm more curious why he sent the message. I'm really trying hard to keep the NC going, it's hard not to say thanks but my family and closest friends tell me NOT to and that he hurt me too much, I don't owe him a thing and I agree with them but my heart tells me otherwise… Do you guys understand why a guy who's been playing cold and hot for so long would randomly send their ex-girlfriend a happy birthday text? And would the ex-boyfriend care if you ignored them? Your second pharagraph shows it.He either thinks you are over him enough to be a friend or he doesn't really care how you feel. 1
Author greenfairie Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 Thank you so much for the answers, I really appreciate your perspective. It's hard to look at the bigger picture sometimes when your emotions and heart are so dominating.
BC1980 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Thank you so much for the answers, I really appreciate your perspective. It's hard to look at the bigger picture sometimes when your emotions and heart are so dominating. We understand completely. I received so many text crumbs, and I wanted them to mean something. Ultimately, I had to face reality. I was reading a book that was saying how much harder texting has made break ups. There's no real effort in a text from a dumper, and it gets your hopes up. Eons ago, people would have actually had to pick up a phone, so they would not have done it so casually. 2
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