Body odor problems? Excuses or something else?

[kumar123]

Okay the title is a bit weird haha, but I've been dating a guy for almost 3 months. Things are overall getting serious. We definitely like each other but we are doing a bit of a push-pull game which is fine. I'm making a big life change soon and am not entirely sure what the future of our relationship will be and he's slowly getting back into relationship mode since he's been casually hooking up for the last 2 years. However, a couple of things happened that really upset me and I'm starting to wonder if these are excuses. I know he likes me but I can tell he does have fears about commitment and falling in love with me. He's vocalized his fears of getting hurt.

 

A few weeks ago he didn't see me for a week because during our first sexual experience he complained about an odor downstairs. Now I had just gotten done working out and had no idea he was going to start fingering me. Apparently this caused him to be less responsive to my texts, not want to see me, and so on. He admitted it was stupid and we moved on and I've made sure to shower, wet wipe and all the fun stuff before getting involved. Never again a problem. But I have been disturbed that he could ignore me for a week about this rather than just communicate it with me.

 

Last week we got really close. He's invited me over every night which is unusual. I slept over every night and one night I didn't come over and he texted me saying he missed me and wanted me to come over. Last Friday I flew to visit a friend but before then I slept at his place and we had a really amazing sexual encounter and he seemed floored by it. He texted me during the weekend saying he missed me and was thinking about me. I hang out with him all day and things are going really well and I ask him if he wants me to sleep over. He says no because of how my hair smells! No guy in my entire life has ever complained about the smell of my hair. I do wash it a couple of times a week. I have frizzy, curly hair and am mixed ethnicity. Stylists recommend washing it no more than twice a week and I keep it very clean. He knows I'm clean but says the smell sometimes bothers him and he'd prefer I not sleep over unless I wash my hair the night of....?!

 

Then to make it weirder... he begged me to stay the night. He said I could sleep on the bed or the couch (he'd sleep elsewhere), didn't matter, but he wanted me there. I declined then he asked me to stay longer. He knew he hurt my feelings and told me not to be offended he was just being honest. He then kissed me a bunch to try and make me forget about it, but I just kissed him back, wished him goodnight and left.

 

Is this normal? I'm very hurt honestly. My hair is very clean and he knows this. I can't wash it more than twice a week. It damages my hair. It always smells pretty and nice. And again, no guy has every complained. My last ex actually loved the smell of my hair and commented on it all the time. I have no idea how to handle this. I love sleeping with him, but I can't agree to sleep in separate rooms or feel like I have to inform him of when I wash my hair just to sleep next to him. Ideas on this? Is this something I need to be concerned about?

 

I can understand pointing out vaginal odors if it's a problem sexually, but not being able to sleep next to me just because of how my hair smells? What's odd is the last time I did sleep over I had washed my hair the same day! He even commented that he didn't even notice the scent until I was gone this weekend.

Edited November 4, 2013 by kumar123

[OpheliaSong]

I have never had this experience. Has he said anything about being very sensitive to smells before?

[kumar123]

I have never had this experience. Has he said anything about being very sensitive to smells before?

 

Nope, never. He said he was sensitive to smells today, but again it's really odd. We've cuddled a whole bunch and I've slept next to him for the past several weeks. Given his harsh bluntness, I'm not sure why he waited for today to mention it and without seeming to care about how a statement like that might make me feel. Just not sure how to handle or approach this...

[OpheliaSong]

Nope, never. He said he was sensitive to smells today, but again it's really odd. We've cuddled a whole bunch and I've slept next to him for the past several weeks. Given his harsh bluntness, I'm not sure why he waited for today to mention it and without seeming to care about how a statement like that might make me feel. Just not sure how to handle or approach this...

 

Are you using a product in your hair? Do you think it might be just when your hair has new product on it and it is at its strongest? I can't imagine someone being this into you and then saying stuff about how you smell down there and your hair unless he has some issues with his smell.

[kumar123]

Are you using a product in your hair? Do you think it might be just when your hair has new product on it and it is at its strongest? I can't imagine someone being this into you and then saying stuff about how you smell down there and your hair unless he has some issues with his smell.

 

I use an olive oil deep conditioner and garnier shampoo. They both smell nice. He uses the same shampoo as me too. These are girly products so they have a nice feminine smell. What do you mean by "he has some issues with his smell"?

 

This guy has a good/bad characteristic of being deeply honest. It's fine when it's productive but it's becoming a problem for me when it brings out my insecurities about my body and general health. I even had a few razor bumps around my bikini area and felt like I had to explain it since he was concerned I might have an STI! He then compares me to other women, saying this hasn't been an issue for him before and he's slept with MANY other women. It's starting to make me feel dirty or like I'm doing everything wrong.

 

He even fingered me a few days ago and I got a bit tense cause he was being rough. I told him I was sensitive and he thought I was lying! But I really am sensitive. He then made some comment about how he's never been with a woman as sensitive as I am and how I need to communicate with him more rather than lie. And I'm not lying! I just feel these comments are hurtful and insensitive. I'm really falling for this guy but something about these comments seem off. He's definitely into me, but I don't get why he keeps making these comments about me.

 

EDIT: I'm not trying to jump the gun and say he's abusive or anything, but I do feel that these comments are mean-spirited and have hurtful intentions behind them. Maybe he's unaware of it but I'd really love some advice on how to stop this from happening or let him know this isn't okay? Or if I should just pull the cord? Sleeping with him has been amazing and I can't see myself doing this in the near future without wondering if my hair smells bad and trying to do all this hygiene stuff just to make this guy happy especially when I have no idea what smells good and bad to him! And like I said he makes other comments about other things.

Edited November 4, 2013 by kumar123

[nescafe1982]

This sounds like a personality tick. He's extraordinarily rigid: you can sleep over if you've shampooed that night, you can let him touch you but he is less tolerant of gentle guidance (for example to be gentle), he gets mean when things don't happen the way he envisioned them, etc.

 

How old is he? If he's young (like late teens or early twenties) he might just be an idiot when it comes to communicating effectively with women. But if this guy is a day older than 20-21, chances are he just has a neurotic streak that, while not completely destructive, is clearly negatively affecting his daily life.

 

OP, if you're only just getting into a relationship with him, you might find a gentle way to discuss this with him; tell him you need to be a bit more flexible, that he needs to accept you as you are, and that's it. See how he responds... his response will tell you what you need to know.

 

Good luck (from another curly-haired sister).

[MalachiX]

Allow me to give you a guy's perspective on this:

 

He's an ass hole.

 

Seriously, to ignore you for a week because your nether regions didn't smell great is amazingly dickish on his part. When I first had sex with my longest relationship, she didn't smell great either. I'm not sure exactly WHY that was the case. I don't know if she had just gotten off her period or if she had been working out or whatever. I still remember that it did not smell great.

 

I didn't even comment about it because I'm not an ass hole. Because I, like I think most guys who have an ounce of sensitivity, realize that the first time you're sexual with someone is kind of a big deal. You're both in a vunerable situation and the last thing you want to do is the critisize the other person. You want the other person to feel safe with you. I'd feel awful if a girl said something harsh about my body/smell/performance after our first time and I'd feel even worse if she then avoided me for a week.

 

As for the sleeping over thing, once again I gotta call ass hole! First of all, I've NEVER met a woman who's hair I didn't like to smell. Ever. For me to be attracted to someone it means i'm going to like the smell of her hair. I don't know what mixed enthnicity you are but I've been with black, white, latino, and asian women and I've never had any issue with how their hair smells.

 

Even if I did have some issue, I wouldn't refuse to let them sleep over. Sleeping with someone I'm dating is one of the most wonderful parts of being with someone new. I just love feeling their head on my chest and listening to them breath. I actually have neck problems from a car accident so having someone sleep next to me actually can really mess with my sleep but I don't care. I love the intimacy. If this guy is willing to throw that away because he has an issue with your hair then that's a big problem.

 

I think the bottom line is that it's not a big deal if this guy has some quirks. The big deal is that he seems to be treating you very rudely because of them. Maybe it's from all the casual sex but he seems to be acting like you're a product he's ordered from Amazon and throws a tantrum when you're not up to the advertised specs. You don't pull this crap in a relationship with someone you care about.

 

I wonder why you're letting him get away with this instead of calling him on being rude. If I were in your place, I would limit contact from this point on until he realizes what a jerk he's being.

[lollipopspot]

This guy has a good/bad characteristic of being deeply honest. It's fine when it's productive but it's becoming a problem for me when it brings out my insecurities about my body and general health. I even had a few razor bumps around my bikini area and felt like I had to explain it since he was concerned I might have an STI! He then compares me to other women, saying this hasn't been an issue for him before and he's slept with MANY other women. It's starting to make me feel dirty or like I'm doing everything wrong...

 

Maybe he's unaware of it but I'd really love some advice on how to stop this from happening or let him know this isn't okay? Or if I should just pull the cord? Sleeping with him has been amazing and I can't see myself doing this in the near future without wondering if my hair smells bad and trying to do all this hygiene stuff just to make this guy happy especially when I have no idea what smells good and bad to him! And like I said he makes other comments about other things.

 

Your bf should meet the guy on here who's concerned about women's "micro hairs."

 

I wouldn't be able to stand this. The hair thing - I would figure that he just doesn't like the way that YOU smell. I can understand wanting someone to change a product, if there's something obnoxious to that person about a certain smell. But there's no way around this one. I know the kind of hair you have, and unless you want to crop it, you can't wash your hair every day for this guy or it's going to look and feel like crap. Chemically and emotionally, you guys just don't mesh.

 

I have a family member who is "too honest" - so honest that he says the most hurtful things to people that never need to be said - and it's not a gift.

[Grumpybutfun]

Lolli:

Please, can we not mention the micro-hairs, that was just odd. SMH

 

Kumar:

I gotta say I have also dated women from almost every ethnicity and I always love the way each of them smell, and if I didn't, that is on me, not them. He sounds a little controlling and I agree with Malachi on this...way too much effort in making you feel bad to be much of a good guy. Honesty is great, but not to the detriment of someone not wanting to be around you anymore. I am sure there will be times when you will want to be intimate and you will wonder...should I or will I not be fresh enough? Or, if we go to bed together, am I going to get another speech about my hair smell? Olive oil hair products doesn't sound outlandish to me. I mean if you said black licorice products combined with fish oil or something....

His behavior was rude.

Good Luck,

Grumps

[MrCastle]

Trying to understand why you're on here asking for advice on how to deal with this as opposed to looking for other men.

 

You like having someone tell you that you can't sleep in the same room with them because of how you smell?

[Art_Critic]

3 months in and he is just smelling your hair.. When I was single I would do that in the first 30 secs...

This much this early on, next.....

[Dusk1983]

he complained about an odor downstairs.

 

Maybe your neighbours are dead. Happens all the time.

[bumpyroad]

 

Is this normal? I'm very hurt honestly. My hair is very clean and he knows this. I can't wash it more than twice a week. It damages my hair. It always smells pretty and nice. And again, no guy has every complained. My last ex actually loved the smell of my hair and commented on it all the time. I have no idea how to handle this. I love sleeping with him, but I can't agree to sleep in separate rooms or feel like I have to inform him of when I wash my hair just to sleep next to him. Ideas on this? Is this something I need to be concerned about?

 

 

 

Well, it's only early days and thus far he's shown himself to be obnoxiously rude, somewhat peculiar and bizarre, and it also looks likely he could be a control freak. That's 3 alarm bells.

[kumar123]

You guys are so right it's ridiculous. I'm a mixture of Black, White, Hispanic and Native American so my hair is long but very curly and frizzy. Really no guy has ever negatively commented on my hair except one guy who was sensitive to tea tree oil, but even he didn't decline sleeping next to me. Alright, I'm taking your advice and letting this guy go for now. Things are getting serious and I do really like him but I need to communicate how this is hurting me. I do believe that you teach someone how you wish to be treated and that if I keep tolerating this now, then I'm not sure how things will change.

 

How should I bring this up to him? What would you recommend saying? I was thinking of sending him a quick message (not a text) later this evening since I really feel uncomfortable seeing him at the moment. Even if we aren't compatible and he's not someone I should be in a relationship with, I do feel this is something he might need to know. I'd just love suggestions on how to approach this gently.

[kumar123]

This sounds like a personality tick. He's extraordinarily rigid: you can sleep over if you've shampooed that night, you can let him touch you but he is less tolerant of gentle guidance (for example to be gentle), he gets mean when things don't happen the way he envisioned them, etc.

 

How old is he? If he's young (like late teens or early twenties) he might just be an idiot when it comes to communicating effectively with women. But if this guy is a day older than 20-21, chances are he just has a neurotic streak that, while not completely destructive, is clearly negatively affecting his daily life.

 

OP, if you're only just getting into a relationship with him, you might find a gentle way to discuss this with him; tell him you need to be a bit more flexible, that he needs to accept you as you are, and that's it. See how he responds... his response will tell you what you need to know.

 

Good luck (from another curly-haired sister).

 

I like your suggestion a lot about how he needs to accept me as who I am and to be flexible. I've been accepting of his neurotic streak and honestly there are things I may not like, but I don't care. It's no big deal to me. But if he can't do the same for me then we have a big problem.

[tinktronik]

I use an olive oil deep conditioner and garnier shampoo. They both smell nice. He uses the same shampoo as me too. These are girly products so they have a nice feminine smell. What do you mean by "he has some issues with his smell"?

 

This guy has a good/bad characteristic of being deeply honest. It's fine when it's productive but it's becoming a problem for me when it brings out my insecurities about my body and general health. I even had a few razor bumps around my bikini area and felt like I had to explain it since he was concerned I might have an STI! He then compares me to other women, saying this hasn't been an issue for him before and he's slept with MANY other women. It's starting to make me feel dirty or like I'm doing everything wrong.

 

He even fingered me a few days ago and I got a bit tense cause he was being rough. I told him I was sensitive and he thought I was lying! But I really am sensitive. He then made some comment about how he's never been with a woman as sensitive as I am and how I need to communicate with him more rather than lie. And I'm not lying! I just feel these comments are hurtful and insensitive. I'm really falling for this guy but something about these comments seem off. He's definitely into me, but I don't get why he keeps making these comments about me.

 

EDIT: I'm not trying to jump the gun and say he's abusive or anything, but I do feel that these comments are mean-spirited and have hurtful intentions behind them. Maybe he's unaware of it but I'd really love some advice on how to stop this from happening or let him know this isn't okay? Or if I should just pull the cord? Sleeping with him has been amazing and I can't see myself doing this in the near future without wondering if my hair smells bad and trying to do all this hygiene stuff just to make this guy happy especially when I have no idea what smells good and bad to him! And like I said he makes other comments about other things.

I'm with a man with high functioning autism who is incredibly sensitive to smells and sounds and types of touch, but smells were probably the first thing I noticed. He is brutally honest and rigid as well, so his "observations' often hurt my feelings or come off as sounding abusive to outsiders, and hell, honestly, to me too but I know that's not the case. He also accuses me of lying if he just does not "get" what I'm saying. It can be pretty maddening.

 

I have no idea what the issue is with your guy but it does sound as though he has some smell sensitivity. If that's the case he really has no control over how effected he is by smell. But I think you should jump and run.

Edited November 4, 2013 by tinktronik

[nescafe1982]

I like your suggestion a lot about how he needs to accept me as who I am and to be flexible. I've been accepting of his neurotic streak and honestly there are things I may not like, but I don't care. It's no big deal to me. But if he can't do the same for me then we have a big problem.

 

I do think that this guy is either a) a functional neurotic (or on the spectrum), or b) a straight up jerk. Only you know which it is.

 

But I only wanted to add here that yes; it's critical that even if he has some weird personality quirk that leads to him saying rude things and making weird requests (where you sleep, e.g.), you will have to be firm that he will not make you "party" to his neurosis. Meaning, he's going to have to work on himself to stay in your life.

 

This is if you still like him, that is. This early on, I admit that even I would be looking at the door contemplatively.

[angelcake]

It also makes me wonder if he is a functioning neurotic or maybe does have Asperger's. Do you notice other symptoms? How is his handwriting; it is lousyy? Is he clumsy/awkward? Have trouble socially? Hyper-focuses on a subject?

 

Honestly this personality type will probably drive you crazy over time. I wish you the best in finding the answers you need, but he sounds rude and hurtful towards you, and you deserve better.

[kumar123]

It also makes me wonder if he is a functioning neurotic or maybe does have Asperger's. Do you notice other symptoms? How is his handwriting; it is lousyy? Is he clumsy/awkward? Have trouble socially? Hyper-focuses on a subject?

 

Honestly this personality type will probably drive you crazy over time. I wish you the best in finding the answers you need, but he sounds rude and hurtful towards you, and you deserve better.

 

I've wondered if he has Aspergers before. He does have many if not all of the symptoms so far. He does have trouble socially and has a hard time maintaining friendships. And yes his handwriting is poor and he does hyper-focus on things. I can't tell if it's a specific subject but he's really good at seeing details I never notice and does over-focus on building small things.

 

I've texted him that we need to talk and he agreed that it would be good for us to both communicate. I'm hoping this conversation will happen tonight. I'll update you guys once I have more information. I'm pretty nervous about speaking with him so hopefully this goes well regardless of what happens.

[crederer]

I have a very strong sense of smell. I have had ex's that were not exactly peachy fresh downstairs but it wasn't due to a lack of hygene, it was just genetics. It never bothered me because I had strong feelings for them.

 

I'd never ever comminicate this to her because it's a non issue. The fact he mentioned it seems to me that it's an issue for him.

[tinktronik]

I've wondered if he has Aspergers before. He does have many if not all of the symptoms so far. He does have trouble socially and has a hard time maintaining friendships. And yes his handwriting is poor and he does hyper-focus on things. I can't tell if it's a specific subject but he's really good at seeing details I never notice and does over-focus on building small things.

 

I've texted him that we need to talk and he agreed that it would be good for us to both communicate. I'm hoping this conversation will happen tonight. I'll update you guys once I have more information. I'm pretty nervous about speaking with him so hopefully this goes well regardless of what happens.

AS isn't an easy thing in a relationship. It takes a person with very, very, very thick skin to be the "other half." If your feelings are very hurt that your BF told you your hair smells and this is an AS issue it is certainly not an ideal relationship for you unless you are prepared to somehow train yourself to never ever get your feelings hurt over very, very big issues.

[MalachiX]

If this guy does have AS I'm going to feel kinda bad for calling him an ass hole over and over again...

 

That said, even if that is the case you really should decide if it's something you want to get into.

 

I guess I didn't think of AS because you said he hooked up a lot which made me lean towards jerk.

[kumar123]

Alright guys. Would love your thoughts. I just had the conversation with him just now. I'm so confused and I don't think he has Aspergers so that's now off the table. I'm completely confused.

 

I saw him and according to him I smelled wonderful and he just wanted to eat me up.... and he said wow, what did u do? I said nothing, it's the same. And he didn't believe me since I smelled wonderful. He then continued that most of the time I smell bad and he got fed up with it, and the last time I slept over was the final straw. He had to let me know it was an issue.

 

He also started off the conversation saying he wanted to focus on his career and didn't want to fall in love with me. Basically he's pushing away from me and needs me to know that. He then began to complain about how he had to pay $50 for our last date (I offered to pay for my ticket), how I have to get used to coming over at his place at 930pm or later on the weekdays because he needs 2 and a half hours of HIS time, how he's going to inform me every time when I don't smell nice, how he's going to stop kissing and cuddling me since it will make him care/love me more and how... I mean oh my goodness!

 

I'm still in shock about this... like WOW. Maybe he said these things cause he's trying to push me away but it's certainly working. I can't believe he said such things to me and then he tried to kiss me, get me all excited and sleep over...

[Grumpybutfun]

Kumar:

This is ludicrous and I hope you aren't seriously thinking about giving him another moment of your time. He is building boundaries in which he controls by trying to make you feel insecure by telling you smell bad so you think there is something really wrong with you, money so that you think he has done so much for you, time because he wants you to start coming to him so he doesn't have to make an effort and he still gets sex (9:30 booty call.) Why people buy this stuff is beyond me, he is playing you. In the end this is what he wants: You to feel so insecure that you pay for everything, be at his beck and call and go to his house whatever time he wants, think you stink so you do not date anyone else and can be available for him whenever, and that you pay on dates because he doesn't want to do it anymore. He says he is pushing you away, but he says that in order to pull you closer because on some level, women will want to tame him, want him to want them, want him to love them, want him treat to treat them differently. It is Psych 101.

Don't be that girl that falls for a bad man's games.

Good luck,

Grumps

[kumar123]

Kumar:

This is ludicrous and I hope you aren't seriously thinking about giving him another moment of your time. He is building boundaries in which he controls by trying to make you feel insecure by telling you smell bad so you think there is something really wrong with you, money so that you think he has done so much for you, time because he wants you to start coming to him so he doesn't have to make an effort and he still gets sex (9:30 booty call.) Why people buy this stuff is beyond me, he is playing you. In the end this is what he wants: You to feel so insecure that you pay for everything, be at his beck and call and go to his house whatever time he wants, think you stink so you do not date anyone else and can be available for him whenever, and that you pay on dates because he doesn't want to do it anymore. He says he is pushing you away, but he says that in order to pull you closer because on some level, women will want to tame him, want him to want them, want him to love them, want him treat to treat them differently. It is Psych 101.

Don't be that girl that falls for a bad man's games.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

I wont. I'm honestly in shock. I can't believe he said those things to me, any of it. And he said the thing about me smelling bad in general like it meant nothing, totally insensitive about my feelings. Then he told me a story about how his ex said he smelled bad once, and included miscellaneous details like how his ex hates giving blow jobs to try and make me feel better.

 

Then to try and cuddle with me and TRY to give me oral sex. When I refused, he then took out his dick and expected me to give him oral sex. I refused that too, and then he stopped cuddling with me and moved away from me. And then when I left, saying how upset I was at his insensitivity, he tried to lift up my dress and touch me. Make out with me, say how he wants me over, and walked me out of his door and watched me leaving. Like OMG... where did the guy go that I was dating originally? I mean he used to say things that were offensive unintentionally and would apologize a whole bunch for hurting me. This time he acted so noncaring and tried to get me all hot and horny just to satisfy each other. This is beyond disrespectful.