Been/Had a Rebound? How'd it go?

[Icarus]

OK folks. I've started to come to the conclusion that I've been the unwitting "rebound" guy. Been tough, but I'm dealing with it much better these days. Got the "need space" talk and everything!!! I am kinda curious though. How many of you have BEEN the rebound yourselves, men or women? Did "space" make any difference? Or, on the flipside ... tell me about when you HAD a rebound relationship? Ever give the person a second thought after you broke it off? Just lookin for all sides here, since I'm at the point where I could really care less how this ends up (I actually already know!!!). Let 'er fly with the wonderful stories!!!

[bebop]

I'm a woman - I have never been the rebound but I have been the rebounder.

 

I have always been immediately clear about that with partners. (I engaged in a lengthy playtime phase for about eight years or so.)

I've always SAID to them, I am on the rebound. I'm not going to be around tomorrow. Take it or leave it.

Rebound is a legitimate activity. It reaffirms many things. But one must always be honest with their partner that that's what's going on.

It works out great, if people just say so to begin with. It's temporary. Everything is.

 

[moon]

I guess you could say my last ex was a rebound. But it wasn't that I ran into a relationship with my last ex, it was just that I still had feelings for the guy before. It was hard for me to really enjoy the relationship with the new guy because I sort of missed my ex. I still wanted a relationship with the new guy in a way......but I guess I sort of created obstacles so that it didn't work out fully the first time around. Then we broke up for a year and we got back together and at that point I was totally over my ex ex. But my most recent boyfriend broke up a few months ago too.

 

Anyway, yes, I think it's hard to have a relationship with somebody else when you still have feelings or issues with the last person. I think that person has to come to terms with those feelings and let them go before they can fully enjoy the next relationship. Now there may be people out there who are dating somebody that they are just not feeling in love with anymore. Maybe they really want to get out of that relationship. Then they break up with their girlfriend/boyfriend and then find another relationship right away. I am not sure, but it seems like those relationships might have more of a success rate. I think it really comes down to the fact if the person you are with is "over" their ex. If they are not.........it makes for a bumpy ride. I'd expect to hear I need space, I am not sure what I want, etc. This is especially true if it is right after the relationship ends with the last person.

 

But I think even the relationship where someone was wanting to break up with their last bf/gf and then got into a new relationship with somebody else right away........do tend to have low chances in the long run. People need time to get over people. We have to feel the pain, suffer through the withdrawls, get over the anger and then find somebody new. That's what I think. If you are a person in a rebound relationship......I'd get out of it. You'll probably just get hurt in the long run (maybe more than the previous ex). Do give that person space and breathing room and maybe they'll come back to you-----who knows? Or maybe they will just associate you with their last relationship (if you caused them to get out of it). And then maybe they'll not want to have anything to do with you anymore. Basically.....don't try to break up current relationships. It is not only stupid and cruel, but you'll pay in the end.

 

It sounds like you Icarus are just a person who got into a relationship with somebody who hasn't forgotten the past. Good luck to you.

[Icarus]

Yep, I did. It was great at first, but red flags started going up and it rapidly came to a halt. And as soon as I realized what was going on ... and with a little bit of input from various trusted sources ... I made myself scarce. I'm optimistic, but also realistic.

 

Enough about me. I want to hear to good, the bad, and the ugly. No preference on order!!!

[Isabella82]

I have been both a rebound and a rebounder. When I was the rebound I was completely over my ex, this was about 3 years ago. I was dating a guy for around 6 months but he never wanted to be exclusive, I grew attached to him even though we never had sex. I didn't want to do that until we had a real relationship, anyway after about 6 months we finaly did the deed and then it was like he was done with me, it hurt a lot, but I realize now I was his rebound.

 

Right now I am being the rebounder, I never understood or agreed with it before, but about 3 months after me and my most current ex broke up I met this guy. He was comforting, and I always went to him to talk about my ex. I was not over it at all, and he knew it. I was very upfront with him. Anyway we are friends with benefits and I love it. There is respect there though. We talk, but not everyday, and when we see eachother we have fun. We were boyfriend and girlfriend for about 1 month, and I called it off because I compared him to my ex all the time, I still missed my ex and it wasn't fair to him.

 

I still like the guy, but I am not ready and who knows maybe in the future, in the mean time we just have fun. I am sure that is every guys dream to be able to have benefits with no commitment.

 

Just know that it has nothing to do with you. I mean if I have meet my rebounder before my ex, we probably could have had a great relationship, but it just didn't work out that way. It totally amazes me how I can be with him, and yet not be attached. I guess I can finally understand most guys now.

[XNemesisX]

I have tried the rebound thing. I haven't been a rebound girlfriend as far as I know of

 

It has never worked out for me. I tried getting a rebound boyfriend after my most recent breakup but it didn't last long at all. He was too demanding of my time and energy and wanted to hang out 24/7. He said he loved me within like the first 2 weeks. I just didn't feel like putting forth the effort yet. I cut contact with him. All I did was compare him to my ex anyway tho. He knew that I had just got out of a relationship (we have known eachother a while,he knows my ex too). He was just too set on being serious when I just wasn't ready. Didn't feel like putting forth the time and effort I guess you could say.

 

If you don't want commitment yet it might just be that you don't really like the person - whether you be a guy or a girl. I really believe that if you really really like someone you will want to spend a lot of time with them and want that exclusiveness. I also have had several guy friends tell me this is true. They like the friends with benefits, but that is b/c they have no real feelings for them.

 

Could be that getting over someone takes a long time, and getting a rebound is just a superficial way to fill the void. Never ends up lasting. That is, unless you were already over the ex before you got into the next relationship as someone said earlier.

 

Finding a rebound just makes me miss the ex more.

[qismat]

i had a rebound once... i didn't do it consciously, it just sort of happened. this guy was pursuing me for a while, and when things ended with my ex, i just let down some of my guard. anyway, it did not last long, b/c i realized how not over my ex i was, and i used to think about my ex and miss him after conversations with the new guy or even when i saw him :S

anyway, the situation was stupid b/c i wasn't too into him, and he knew it... he used to talk so long term and get mad at me when he noticed that i wasn't on the same wavelength... also, he always wanted to see me more than i was up for... anyway in the end, he ended up meeting someone else, and pretty much cheated on me (we had decided to be exclusive). it was funny b/c i didnt really care i was mad, b/c he was really immature about it. he was trying to 'play' me and this other girl at the same time... while telling me he wanted to be with me forever :S... i found out b/c the other girl called me one day.. haha.. anyway.. thats my rebound story... turned into quite the amount of drama... but i learned so much from it. for one i really should not have got into it.. and for two.. i learned that my communication could have been so much better...

AND for three... i learned how to smell a cheater, without having to experience it with someone that i truly care for =)

[Quiet Waters]

I'm puzzled. Were you the individual who dated on the rebound, or did you fall for someone who just broke a serious relationship? I'm not being preachy here to any particular 'you' and I admit I'm young, so I could be wrong about the below. So don't take this personally ; ).

 

Most men on the rebound are appaulingly insincere out of desperation to repair their broken egos. First the whole 'courting' process is one I want no part of because it's a game of esteeming people and inflating their egos to draw them in and really learn if you really like them or not. It's ok to get to know people, but the problem in the game is most feed egos to win. They've already declared your respect for someone, they have have set their expectations for a long lasting friendship, and they make false promises. Thenthey think 'well if she is so daft to fall for my praise so early, it's not my problem when I break it off.' So they feel no shame in playing with another's sincerity, and most who put themselves in the game, are prepared to tolerate this if it improves their chance of finding someone. It's sick and frankly I'd rather be single than men who go after women who tolerate insincerity. It's the game that Hollywood talent agents play to hook people t in case nothing better comes along or just in case the previous love doesn't return. In reality it seems most 'courting' is a temporary amusement until something developes. Sometimes it does, but regardless the person hooks you with the 'oh you're so wonderful' talk, and promises not to relinquish the friendship.

 

The sucky part is when men on the rebound take the game out of the clubs and to women who don't want to be in these games. Sure this process isn't as Machiavellian as it appears. Men just want to rebuild their esteem out of instinct, and I guess they presume women who don't play these games, can still be played when one takes advantage of their sincerity. (Think of those highschool flicks where man who just dumped wants a date to the prom, and joins the "French Club" to attract a sincere girl for a night only to dump her later). It's as if these men see these women as a guarenteed ego boost. A lot of what I'm about to say applies to educated men. I'm an academic and academic men can get away with murder when they're rebounding. I don't date. I have friends I go out with, and either romance developes or it doesn't. That puts me in a vunerable spot when it comes to the 'rebounds' above. Instead of going to the frat parties, they seek out 'studious' girls, and use their academic talents to lure them in in. Perhaps in turn the girl will build their egos simply by respecting their intellect. But this is what happened to me and many of my friends in college: These guys assume I'm available because I'm studying instead of dating, and everyone knows most men only play with girls who do not attract other men whether the girls desire to lure men or not. So treats me how I would hope an educated man to treat me, but mentally sees me as the girls he would 'play' with on the rebound. In this way, he takes advantage of my sincerity. He might like the challenge of 'winning my esteem,' but by flirting to attract me without intention of friendship, he puts me in the game when I don't want to be there. But because I'm not in a club, the process seems natural and I treat it as if it were a 'normal friendship.' So when I in turn reply with a sincere, 'yes, you're cool, let's do something,' I'm no longer the challenge. So, when they're healed from their ex, they're back to the club, playing the game and are otherwise 'too busy' for me. This has happened to me with both promising friends and longtime friends, and it usually ends with my feeling bitter because they abused my friendship and put me into a 'game' I never wanted to be apart of. Am I foolish for falling for them and being hurt? Probably. But that does not excuse their actions in my mind, or their promises not to be like the jerks before them when I say "hey I'd rather not because I know how this will end."

 

I'm usually right no matter how optimistic, supportive etc I am. From my experience, the solution most men take when they realize they're macking on a girl because they're rebounding is to drop the girl cold regardless of their feelings for her. She's not a light switch. She's a human being and to drop her like that is to deny her the opportunity to exercise her freewill in the situation. It's an act of dominance. You're still in control because you're calling the shots, and she can do nothing about it. I'm sure a LOT of men actually get off on this, especially when they're feeling powerless due to a recent breakup. It's one of the most painful things I've ever been through.

 

If you want to lay off a 'rebound romance' because you realize that's all it was, I hope that you go about the situation in ways that do not demoralize them as human beings. In otherwords, use the categorical imperative. Be honest, and don't simply blow her off because you don't want to deal with her anymore. Give her some closure, and treat her like a human being. I'm pretty sure you'd at least want that if you were on her side of the situation. You're not responsable to protect her emotions, but it would be cool if more considered a second chance as friends in these situations. If you really think the person is cool, but want to back off because you realize the initial attraction was out of rebound, try to make them friend. Alternatively, it's probably wise to take it slow with someone if you discover you like them shortly after a break up. Don't flirt. Don't plant hopes of vactions together in her ear. It builds expectations on both sides. Focus on you first, and the friendship as you would any friendship. If there's a chance you might want to be romantic later and give her a second chance - just be reasonable. Say you want to build a friendship and heal from your previous breakup before you consider romance. If she's truly interested in you as a person, she'll understand and work with you so long as you're not going out of your way to hurt her.

[nan]

I've been the rebound before. I think if you already know that this person just broke up with someone, then you have to assume that you are the rebound, have fun with it and take it for what it is. My advice, don't go looking for a relationship with someone who just broke up, rebounds almost never work.

[Icarus]

Quiet Waters:

 

I presume your very insightful post was directed at me? If so, then to answer your question:

 

"Were you the individual who dated on the rebound, or did you fall for someone who just broke a serious relationship?"

 

It was the latter ... not the former. She was on the rebound from a serious relationship that ended badly several months prior.

[Mr Weir]

Icarus

 

Rebounds don't work. Take my ex for eg

 

We split last Sept and it was a hard time for me. I headed to Australia for a time, decided on no relationships for min 6 months. In May I met a wonderful women and I'm v v content.

 

But my ex took up with someone in Nov ( 8 weeks after we split ) by Jan she was pregnant and in March they bought a house. Anyway they split, he didn't move in and in fact bought a house 20miles away. But apparently they're seeing each other again. Funny thing is that my ex has a 4 year old son and this guys house is bang on a busy main road. Doesn't sound to me that this guy is thinking about the kid.

 

Meanwhile she has contacted me on 3 seperate occasions. tHE usual bs ie i'm angry at you, we need to talk and suggesting we meet. I'm sure she doesn't want me back ( however I could be wrong as she's always the one to contact me ) anyway as far as i can see, her relationship is probably going no-where as they're not engaged and don't even live together. And why? Cos she entered a new relationship with my "baggage" to deal with. This poor guy was probably just somewhere to sob and complain how "bad" I treated her.

 

Maybe I'll get the last laugh when he finally dumps her. Trust me, rebounds don't work.

 

Any comments!

[Chris_T.]

I have been in rebound relationships...and they always ended with me hurting the other person. Not intentionally...it's just that it's a bad idea to date someone while you're still in love with someone else, because someone is going to get hurt. I didn't set out to hurt these girls and I told them up front that I was fresh out of a serious relationship...but it didn't matter. They still got hurt.

[Quiet Waters]

Originally posted by Icarus

Quiet Waters:

 

I presume your very insightful post was directed at me? If so, then to answer your question:

 

"Were you the individual who dated on the rebound, or did you fall for someone who just broke a serious relationship?"

 

It was the latter ... not the former. She was on the rebound from a serious relationship that ended badly several months prior.

but I'

 

I'm insightful now? (Blush!) Thanks! I'll take that as a compliment. I often think I'm just a silly kid...

 

Her relationship ended several months prior to getting involved with you? And she's still a 'rebound?' Seriously women... when will you learn that pining over men enough to even be in a 'rebound' state of mind is a waste of valuable youth??? .

 

Maybe it's just me but being in a 'rebound state of mind' for months after breaking up with someone just seems... silly. I'd hope that if one is in a relationship for that long they'd get through some of the mental anxiety as they decide to break up. :shrug: Who knows. I mean I'd take a serious relationship seriously but I'm one of those 'friends first, lovers second,' kinds of people - which means a breakup for me usually means "no more sex / cuddling - and we're not getting engaged!" I've never suffered a great deal of rebound from that because the friendship remains. (Maybe this is why I wasn't cautious about getting involved with someone who was in a rebound - but we're only friends so who knows how it will end).

 

I guess the only thing I've had that would be considered a 'rebound' in these situations is the breathing time both of us needed between the stage of 'lovers' and friends so we could return as friends without the baggage. But the only really dirty breakup I've had involved a boy and his Goth-Culture lust for drama. Beyond that most of my ex-bfs are 'pals' now and I try to help them with their girlfriend woes.

 

Good luck with you - and with her. Sounds like she has issues.