Remaining Single is the Only Way to Roll

November 4, 2013

This is the conclusion that I have recently accepted for myself, and it strangely brings me comfort.

It's now been seven months since my wife split, and about three since she'd had me served with divorce papers. A week before she left we were holding hands, and she was telling me BS about how much she loved me, etc...

I understand the emotional sadness that comes with such a loss, and the desire to fill that void. However, at this point I'd need to get my head examined for wanting to recreate what would most likely end the same again. And the stats don't lie. Another marriage would have even a higher failure rate.

So, we know that 50% of marriages end in divorce. We also know that many others are unhappy in their marriage, but won't leave for whatever reason. So, what is the actual marriage success rate taking this into account? 25% success rate? Something like that? I'd have to be certifiably insane for wanting to set up another scenario knowing the success rate is this abysmal.

Marriage definitely holds no value at all any more. This forum, and the stats are proof of that. Now, I'm beginning to wonder if long term relationships are even hard wired into the human psyche. I'm starting to doubt that humans are predisposed to desire, or to remain in, long term relationships.

This was my first marriage, and first real relationship. It was an eye opener as to what human nature really is. I essentially got used, and discarded, by someone I would have never predicted in a million years to do so.

My post may seem like I'm somewhat jaded and pessimistic, but I view it more from the point of a realist that uses stats and figures to back up what I believe to be true. So, if we understand and accept the realities of the human nature, again I'd have to have my head examined for wanting to recreate this again.

I have once again become content remaining single, and running as a one-man wolf pack does have its advantages. Many advantages, actually. You only remain accountable to yourself, and maybe also your boss.

I have understood that investing my time and money into myself is the only way to ensure a positive return. Investing time and money into anyone else does not yield positive results the majority of the time. It shouldn't be this way, but it is.

November 4, 2013

There is truth to this. I have been always been happier and healthier single.

November 4, 2013

Definitely for awhile if is what I'm doing. And I really need to. Quite badly. :-)

November 4, 2013

My new, horrifying jaded point of view:

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

- Sandman, Neil Gaiman

November 4, 2013

I feel blessed I didn't marry my only serious GF. She used me as well and fortunately it ended before we married and I went through a divorce and lost half my stuff. I feel jaded in a way also. I'm just not sure what kind of woman I want to date.

November 4, 2013

I feel blessed I didn't marry my only serious GF. She used me as well and fortunately it ended before we married and I went through a divorce and lost half my stuff. I feel jaded in a way also. I'm just not sure what kind of woman I want to date.

That's a big problem with marriage. Once your partner decides they're done with you, they don't think twice about taking half your assets, even if they didn't contribute a dime. I knew a guy that almost ended up homeless!

I'm of the opinion that marriage is an outdated throwback to old way religious expectations, and is not well suited to the modern world that we live in. It should hold more value, but in practice it does not.

November 4, 2013

I feel blessed I didn't marry my only serious GF. She used me as well and fortunately it ended before we married and I went through a divorce and lost half my stuff. I feel jaded in a way also. I'm just not sure what kind of woman I want to date.

I know after what I've been through I really feel jaded, but I e never done rejection well.

November 4, 2013

My new, horrifying jaded point of view:

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

- Sandman, Neil Gaiman

Thank you!!! I have been trying to find words. I didn't even want to date my ex, wasn't that into him, had a lets just be friends speech prepared, and then the frisbee.

Oh the frisbee.

And then the arm around my shoulder and I was history. And this is a perfect description.

November 4, 2013

Thank you!!! I have been trying to find words. I didn't even want to date my ex, wasn't that into him, had a lets just be friends speech prepared, and then the frisbee.

Oh the frisbee.

And then the arm around my shoulder and I was history. And this is a perfect description.

I was in a similar situation. I thought my ex was crazy and high strung before she asked me to a movie.

All it took was for her to make eye contact with that "puppy love" look on her face, and I was toast.

Just a stupid person in my stupid life.

And you're welcome. Neil Gaiman is a magical beast. I quote him waaaaaay too often. My favorite quote from him is actually from Coraline, and is why I never give up on anything unless I absolutely HAVE to:

"I don't want whatever I want. Nobody does. Not really. What kind of fun would it be if I just got everything I ever wanted just like that, and it didn't mean anything? What then?"

Also explains why I don't give up on people or relationships even when I'm "not feeling it"...not unless I know I'm done forever. I believe that sometimes the love I'm looking for, could be just beyond the next obstacle.

I recommend anything he's ever written. ANYTHING.

November 4, 2013

My new, horrifying jaded point of view:

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

- Sandman, Neil Gaiman

I was in a similar situation. I thought my ex was crazy and high strung before she asked me to a movie.

All it took was for her to make eye contact with that "puppy love" look on her face, and I was toast.

Just a stupid person in my stupid life.

And you're welcome. Neil Gaiman is a magical beast. I quote him waaaaaay too often. My favorite quote from him is actually from Coraline, and is why I never give up on anything unless I absolutely HAVE to:

"I don't want whatever I want. Nobody does. Not really. What kind of fun would it be if I just got everything I ever wanted just like that, and it didn't mean anything? What then?"

Also explains why I don't give up on people or relationships even when I'm "not feeling it"...not unless I know I'm done forever. I believe that sometimes the love I'm looking for, could be just beyond the next obstacle.

I recommend anything he's ever written. ANYTHING.

That is what I have been feeling like too.

And I tend to be just like that too. I give people chance after chance. No less than three times on he phone with a friend, did I manage to talk myself out of dumping him (the first "sandwich" really wasn't very good).

And it was just as things were really getting good...

But right now, rejection is like death to me, and I can't keep doing this and feeling this. I am jaded. And I freely admit it. I didn't want to be, but "I love you (though Ill only show you, not tell you), but go away forever". That message succeeded.

I have to admit to not having read any Gaimon. What would you recommend beginning with?

November 4, 2013

The first "sandwich" my ex and I had was incredible, but it began to mold - I didn't feel attracted to her at all for a bit. The stress she was under, constant infections in her facial piercings, and gaslighting my stress, sucked it all away. But I knew my attachment to her went deeper than just attraction and ephemeral "in love" feeling.

Her attachment to me - apparently couldn't withstand the temporary loss of attraction caused by my stress sucking down my self-confidence for a few weeks.

Such is life.

As for Mr. Gaiman:

My personal favorite is Anansi Boys.

American Gods is also great.

Those novels are aimed more at an adult audience.

Coraline, MirrorMask and The Graveyard Book are his "young adult" selections, and they're all just as dark and enjoyable as the stuff aimed at the older demographic.

I recommend starting with The Graveyard Book to test the waters. It's like a ghostly reimagining of The Jungle Book.

November 4, 2013

Remaining single because you enjoy it is one thing, but doing it because you are hurt and jaded is another. If it has been 7 months and you still feel this bad, maybe you need to do something to help you get over it.

November 4, 2013

Jaded people end up sucking the life out of others like leaches and leave them when they're no longer able to get what they want.

November 4, 2013

Jaded people end up sucking the life out of others like leaches and leave them when they're no longer able to get what they want.

No. If I were to end up in a relationship, even if it were tomorrow, I would put my entire heart, mind, and soul into it. That is who I am.

Jaded people are those who have continued to put their all into a relationship and continued to get burned.

The people who don't are the ones you're talking about. They never get jaded or burned because they cut and run at the first sign of trouble.

November 4, 2013

No. If I were to end up in a relationship, even if it were tomorrow, I would put my entire heart, mind, and soul into it. That is who I am.

Jaded people are those who have continued to put their all into a relationship and continued to get burned.

The people who don't are the ones you're talking about. They never get jaded or burned because they cut and run at the first sign of trouble.

My ex told me off the bat she was jaded after her divorce. Her definition of jaded was she no longer believed in love. It's impossible to connect emotionally with someone like this.

November 4, 2013

My ex told me off the bat she was jaded after her divorce. Her definition of jaded was she no longer believed in love. It's impossible to connect emotionally with someone like this.

It is not that I don't believe in love. It is just that my trust has been totally torn and right now, I am tired and my trust level is low.

But when I am in a relationship, I give it my all. Perhaps that is why I am taking a break.

November 4, 2013

We have to love ourselves, not depend on others to do it for us, ie: when we need someone else to "complete" us, marriage/partnership is bound to fail. Nothing new.

November 4, 2013

My new, horrifying jaded point of view:

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

- Sandman, Neil Gaiman

Awesome quote!

November 4, 2013

Thing is though, in the early years I was with my ex, we were really in love with each other and it was the greatest feeling in the world. I had never been happier in my life.

Even though that unconditional love had died long before she cheated, those few years were the best years of my life. It's been 8 months now since we split after 12 years together and although the thought of a relationship at the moment scares the life out me, especially trusting someone fully and being vunerable to being hurt again, I would hope one day to to find that love and have that feeling again.

However, I'm not sure if I could go through the pain and hurt of rejection again.

I feel it's going to take time to heal fully. I'm enjoying 'My Time' at the moment, just missing the intimacy of a partner.

November 4, 2013

So, we know that 50% of marriages end in divorce. We also know that many others are unhappy in their marriage, but won't leave for whatever reason. So, what is the actual marriage success rate taking this into account? 25% success rate? Something like that? I'd have to be certifiably insane for wanting to set up another scenario knowing the success rate is this abysmal.

[/i]

Stats also show that in general singles are less "happy" than partnered.

Edited November 4, 2013 by felicity1

November 4, 2013

My ex told me off the bat she was jaded after her divorce. Her definition of jaded was she no longer believed in love. It's impossible to connect emotionally with someone like this.

She was more emotionally unavailable than jaded then.

Horse of a different color, though perhaps the same breed.

November 4, 2013

She was more emotionally unavailable than jaded then.

Horse of a different color, though perhaps the same breed.

Total agreement there!

November 4, 2013

I have once again become content remaining single, and running as a one-man wolf pack does have its advantages. Many advantages, actually. You only remain accountable to yourself, and maybe also your boss.

I have understood that investing my time and money into myself is the only way to ensure a positive return. Investing time and money into anyone else does not yield positive results the majority of the time. It shouldn't be this way, but it is.

Absolutely. I have been feeling this so, so much.

November 4, 2013

I forget the comedian that said it but:

"Only one in three marriages is successful. If someone told you only one in three parachutes would open, would you jump?"

Having said that I go by 'you never know until you try' (which is timely with the quote as I did my first sky dive at the weekend) so I'm willing to invest myself in other people, regardless of whether I get burned. Yeah, I need time to be myself and be single in between, but I aim to not get jaded in the first place.

November 4, 2013

We have to love ourselves, not depend on others to do it for us, ie: when we need someone else to "complete" us, marriage/partnership is bound to fail. Nothing new.

Relationships have become steadily more founded on the feelings of attraction.

Yes, self-love and being "strong" are attractive, but they're not enough to build a real long term relationship on.

Yet we try. Then those fail.

I did it often in the past. My past self was an immature jerk who was more concerned with how someone made me "feel" than if they were compatible.

I didn't want to settle for anything less than a romantic/passionate love (fueled by attraction) that lasted forever, and was under the impression that I should just "feel it" - working at a relationship just sounded so entirely...unromantic.

Past Pfenixphire was an idiot.

Don't get me wrong - I'm happy that it's easy to walk away from relationships nowadays. Too many stuck around in unhappy and unfulfilling relationships because of social expectations in decades past (my mother's parents are a profound example of this).

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