I have the perfect guy- but I long to be with other men.

[melell]

Your probably thinking

 

"He's good and all.... But I think I can upgrade"

 

I have thought the same thing before about a boyfriend I didn't 'love'. The one I was 'in love' with, yeah I could probably upgrade, but I never seriously thought about it.

 

When you really dig someone, it usually isn't even considered.

 

If you are feeling like you can upgrade, best step is to go find an upgrade- you might actually end up finding someone you really love.

[Grumpybutfun]

Not all people get married and they do commit. If the poster and her bf are in a committed exclusive relationship (which is how I read this) and she kissed another, it is cheating. It is best to say that no matter how great this guy is, she may not be ready to commit to one guy yet. It is better to know this and break-up than to cheat on someone or entertain thoughts of "what if" and break their heart while also destroying your own integrity. It is also better to gain knowledge about who you are what you want from a relationship while dating a few people than to settle down with one at a very young age and feel like you settled. If you do not believe this, Please got to Infidelity/ OW/OM forums and read for a while.

 

MalorieLove:

How are you doing? What is on YOUR mind? How are you processing all of this?

 

Grumps

[Phantom888]

you have outgrown your boyfriend. Time to move on.

[tinktronik]

Not all people get married and they do commit. If the poster and her bf are in a committed exclusive relationship (which is how I read this) and she kissed another, it is cheating.

 

Grumps

Grumps I read this as the guy kissed her and she told him to back off. I have certainly had a guy lean in and peck me without me realizing it was happening until I was like 'what are you doing man? Back it up.'

 

If that's the case I certainly would not say she was cheating.

[Grumpybutfun]

Grumps I read this as the guy kissed her and she told him to back off. I have certainly had a guy lean in and peck me without me realizing it was happening until I was like 'what are you doing man? Back it up.'

 

If that's the case I certainly would not say she was cheating.

 

Thanks Tink. I agree that that could have been accidental. Misread due to content of rest of post about longing for other men.

[MalorieLove]

 

MalorieLove:

How are you doing? What is on YOUR mind? How are you processing all of this?

 

Grumps

 

I have read every single post (2,3,4..times) & given each one of them a lot of thought. Thank you, everyone, for your input.

 

A few people mentioned that it sounded like I wanted to "upgrade" or that maybe I thought I could do better. This is NOT the case. I do not wonder if there is anyone else out there that could be "better". However, I do know that there are people out there that are different from him. Even if I do break up with my boyfriend & end up finding someone new in the future, I don't think the new person could be "better"- just "different."

 

Also, all inappropriate behavior (dinner dates) stopped abruptly on the night that my friend kissed me. I wish I could take that back. The feeling that I have left from that night is so awful that I know I could never do anything like it again. However, I still possess the desire to fall in love with someone else (but not while in a relationship with my boyfriend).

 

I learned something unexpected from posting this thread: My boyfriend is not a Prince Charming. I found myself getting defensive while reading some of the posts and thinking, "Wait, the reason I am feeling this way is because _____. And, perhaps he's not as "perfect" as I thought." My boyfriend's temper, selfishness, and arrogance are things I always thought I could overlook.

 

I am beginning to realize that my boyfriend seems very ideal on a superficial level (great career, great looks, great personality)...and maybe that is why I referred to him as "Perfect". However, deep down, I know that there are a few things about him that are hard for me to accept (arrogance, anger, selfishness, lack of compassion for others,...). I guess I am wondering if a reasonable person should be able to look past these things.

[tinktronik]

I have read every single post (2,3,4..times) & given each one of them a lot of thought. Thank you, everyone, for your input.

 

A few people mentioned that it sounded like I wanted to "upgrade" or that maybe I thought I could do better. This is NOT the case. I do not wonder if there is anyone else out there that could be "better". However, I do know that there are people out there that are different from him. Even if I do break up with my boyfriend & end up finding someone new in the future, I don't think the new person could be "better"- just "different."

 

Also, all inappropriate behavior (dinner dates) stopped abruptly on the night that my friend kissed me. I wish I could take that back. The feeling that I have left from that night is so awful that I know I could never do anything like it again. However, I still possess the desire to fall in love with someone else (but not while in a relationship with my boyfriend).

 

I learned something unexpected from posting this thread: My boyfriend is not a Prince Charming. I found myself getting defensive while reading some of the posts and thinking, "Wait, the reason I am feeling this way is because _____. And, perhaps he's not as "perfect" as I thought." My boyfriend's temper, selfishness, and arrogance are things I always thought I could overlook.

 

I am beginning to realize that my boyfriend seems very ideal on a superficial level (great career, great looks, great personality)...and maybe that is why I referred to him as "Perfect". However, deep down, I know that there are a few things about him that are hard for me to accept (arrogance, anger, selfishness, lack of compassion for others,...). I guess I am wondering if a reasonable person should be able to look past these things.

These are some pretty HUGE things to overlook. NO you should not have to or even try to overlook those things. Really those are giant gaping things if they are important to you.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years (I’m 23 and he’s 27) and we moved in with each other 1 year ago. He is everything that I want in a husband- physically attractive, fun, loving, and professionally successful. Within the past 6 months, something has changed and we fight more often. However, he still plans on proposing to me in the very near future. I was on board with this until I started medical school in August. All of a sudden, I was bombarded with a 100 intelligent men & I found myself becoming attracted to several of them. Because we work in groups & are with eachother every day, we have all become friends and hang out on the weekends together. Recently, I have found myself becoming romantically interested in a few of them (to the point that we hang out one-on-on for dinner and such). I am ashamed of it- but one of them kissed me. I told him that it was inappropriate and couldn’t happen again. It is important to point out that I would never date this man- and I am not interested in anyone else specifically.

 

I don’t know why this is happening. I have the perfect man right in front of me yet I’m finding myself wanting to hang out, talk to, get to know, party and flirt with other (less attractive) men. The desire is strong too. What is wrong with me? Is this normal? Is my relationship over? Am I falling out of love with my boyfriend? Please help.

 

 

You're either just shopping for better prospects, as all women do, or you are yearning for some of the chaos you knew in your past, because the guy you have now is just 'too nice' to suit your flaws (which were typically previously inflicted by predatory people).

[heartshaped]

One day you will meet a man that will make you forget other men exist.

 

Sure, you'll still notice attractive men at the grocery store or at work, but the want to be with anyone else will be nonexistent. It will be an idea so foreign that it seems incomprehensible.

 

You won't call him perfect, but you won't have to overlook his flaws either because you will know his flaws and accept them.

 

When you meet that man, then you should settle down.

[RedRobin]

I have read every single post (2,3,4..times) & given each one of them a lot of thought. Thank you, everyone, for your input.

 

A few people mentioned that it sounded like I wanted to "upgrade" or that maybe I thought I could do better. This is NOT the case. I do not wonder if there is anyone else out there that could be "better". However, I do know that there are people out there that are different from him. Even if I do break up with my boyfriend & end up finding someone new in the future, I don't think the new person could be "better"- just "different."

 

Also, all inappropriate behavior (dinner dates) stopped abruptly on the night that my friend kissed me. I wish I could take that back. The feeling that I have left from that night is so awful that I know I could never do anything like it again. However, I still possess the desire to fall in love with someone else (but not while in a relationship with my boyfriend).

 

I learned something unexpected from posting this thread: My boyfriend is not a Prince Charming. I found myself getting defensive while reading some of the posts and thinking, "Wait, the reason I am feeling this way is because _____. And, perhaps he's not as "perfect" as I thought." My boyfriend's temper, selfishness, and arrogance are things I always thought I could overlook.

 

I am beginning to realize that my boyfriend seems very ideal on a superficial level (great career, great looks, great personality)...and maybe that is why I referred to him as "Perfect". However, deep down, I know that there are a few things about him that are hard for me to accept (arrogance, anger, selfishness, lack of compassion for others,...). I guess I am wondering if a reasonable person should be able to look past these things.

 

I agree that you shouldn't overlook this. Your BF likely doesn't know (or maybe doesn't care) how deeply this affects you.

 

Given the time you two have spent together, I still believe you need to tell him how much these behaviors have affected your ability and willingness to commit to him. He deserves that honesty and feedback.

 

Of course, we are only hearing one side. You have qualities that he is likely overlooking or tolerating too.

 

One thing I don't like about today's culture is the ease with which people toss out relationships. Noone here has any real idea about the dynamic between you. What I DO know is that the desire to bring a life together and continual effort to do so... which I call the ACTIONS of love, is much more important in the long run than just magically finding someone who is 'perfect'...

 

Sure, being in love makes that effort 'easy'... but people are way too concerned with 'easy' these days. They want that feeling of love without the actions of love. Or they will only do the actions of love when it doesn't involve any real effort on their part, it is convenient, or suits them. IMO, that's not love. It's narcissism.

[Kate9292]

(arrogance, anger, selfishness, lack of compassion for others,...)

 

My boyfriend's temper, selfishness, and arrogance are things I always thought I could overlook.

 

(great career, great looks, great personality)

 

This sure ain't great personality for me LOL.

 

Do you see yourself in 10 years having children with someone selfish and arrogant and easily angered and who doesn't have compassion for others?

 

I wouldn't.

 

Definitely give some of these guys you just met a shot.

[Sunfire73]

I married someone like your fiancee, a good on paper guy but arrogant, selfish and angry as well and of course it didn't work out. Now I'm dating someone who's nice and kind, treats me well and I'm happier.

[Lost561]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years (I’m 23 and he’s 27) and we moved in with each other 1 year ago. He is everything that I want in a husband- physically attractive, fun, loving, and professionally successful. Within the past 6 months, something has changed and we fight more often. However, he still plans on proposing to me in the very near future. I was on board with this until I started medical school in August. All of a sudden, I was bombarded with a 100 intelligent men & I found myself becoming attracted to several of them. Because we work in groups & are with eachother every day, we have all become friends and hang out on the weekends together. Recently, I have found myself becoming romantically interested in a few of them (to the point that we hang out one-on-on for dinner and such). I am ashamed of it- but one of them kissed me. I told him that it was inappropriate and couldn’t happen again. It is important to point out that I would never date this man- and I am not interested in anyone else specifically.

 

I don’t know why this is happening. I have the perfect man right in front of me yet I’m finding myself wanting to hang out, talk to, get to know, party and flirt with other (less attractive) men. The desire is strong too. What is wrong with me? Is this normal? Is my relationship over? Am I falling out of love with my boyfriend? Please help.

 

 

Have you told your boyfriend that another guy gave you a kiss? That's only fair if you do tell him. It sounds like this relationship is over because you aren't content with your boyfriend and you have other options.

[Ruby Slippers]

I married someone like your fiancee, a good on paper guy but arrogant, selfish and angry as well and of course it didn't work out. Now I'm dating someone who's nice and kind, treats me well and I'm happier.

The guy I recently broke up with fits your description of your guy pretty well - a "catch", smart, successful, handsome, charming - but also somewhat vain, arrogant, thoughtless, selfish.

 

He wanted to get married and "take care of me", said he didn't even care if I made money, and part of me felt like I'd be a fool to let such a catch go.

 

But without emotional support, sweetness, and real love, I felt like I'd be setting myself up for a lot of misery later. I ended the relationship, and though I loved him and miss him, I know I made the right decision.

[flight E]

No need to demonize ur bf over this. You needn't justify your decision as you have obviously decided but demonizing him is so low and shameful

I know u demonizing him becos dis new picture is rather belated and smirks of justification

 

Breakup with the poor guy he doesn't deserve this and as much as bad as I feel for saying this. Your conduct is truly shameful

[mortensorchid]

This is Grass is Greener Syndrome combined with your youth. I know a lot of gals who were in this huge scramble at the end of their college years to meet Mr. Right and get married. Many did. And many are now divorced. I'm not saying you are in the same boat as they are, but consider the fact that you are trying to balance your bf and medical school. My sister's former bf was ready to take things to the next level when she started med school and she said no. Many marriages fall apart in med school because you are never together, when you're not in class you have to be studying, and you have to stay focused on your task at hand rather than your relationship / marriage. He did not like that answer, and they broke up.

 

With that being said, there are not absolutes in life. You have to take a risk at some point. I wish I could give you the right answer that you will be happy and follow it, but I really can't. No one can. It's best to tell your bf how you feel now and then see what he says about it. Good luck.

[flight E]

And when I say you conduct is shameful. I don't mean your conduct in desiring other men or even breakin up with your boyfriend. I mean trying to make him look bad to justify yourself. Off course I know he is not perfect but your later allegations sure looks like you are grasping at anything to put yourself in good light. U needn't do this, your life is yours to do whatever you like with. Truth be told if I knew your bf I would have begged him to breakup with you. Am sure you will be on this forum. And am sure it will not be because you are attracted to other men

Edited November 7, 2013 by flight E
error that might distort the meaning of my post

[Kate9292]

And when I say you conduct is shameful. I don't mean your conduct in desiring other men or even breakin up with your boyfriend. I mean trying to make him look bad to justify yourself. Off course I know he is not perfect but your later allegations sure looks like you are grasping at anything to put yourself in good light. U needn't do this, your life is yours to do whatever you like with. Truth be told if I knew your bf I would have begged him to breakup with you. Am sure you will be on this forum. And am sure it will not be because you are attracted to other men

 

And how do you know none of what she said about her bf being arrogant/angry/selfish is true? Do you know him better than she does?

[napy666]

If you want to be with other men or another man then the guy you are with now you should cut ties with. You are unsure on yourself and want to be single because you feel trapped in your current situation. So it's really up to you on what you want to do.

[StanMusial]

And when I say you conduct is shameful. I don't mean your conduct in desiring other men or even breakin up with your boyfriend. I mean trying to make him look bad to justify yourself. Off course I know he is not perfect but your later allegations sure looks like you are grasping at anything to put yourself in good light. U needn't do this, your life is yours to do whatever you like with. Truth be told if I knew your bf I would have begged him to breakup with you. Am sure you will be on this forum. And am sure it will not be because you are attracted to other men

 

I agree, seems shady. If there was an issue with the bf you could've made a thread about it. But that's not what you did. You said he was "perfect". If you want someone else, break up with the guy.

[flight E]

And how do you know none of what she said about her bf being arrogant/angry/selfish is true? Do you know him better than she does?

 

Don't claim to know him better. The fact is look at the name of the thread. Look how long it took for us to know he is arrogant etc.

Well I am trained to see these inconsistencies. This doesn't mean he might not be arrogant etc. It just that the reason for posting that seems to be more of a justificatn rather than a reason for her disenchantment with him. Nevertheless as I said it's her life and she can do whatever she pleases. In truth, I know that you or I can have the feelings she has with no rational reason whatsoever and it doesn't make her bad. But to try to rationalize it at someone's expense that's what I feel is wrong. No insults were meant

[truth_seeker]

When you are in love with a person, you think of them only... no other people enter your mind. The fact that you have strong desire's for other men tell me that the feelings for your boyfriend have faded.