I have the perfect guy- but I long to be with other men.

[MalorieLove]

Ok. You posted your thread to me and everyone else. That's all fine and dandy but were not the one's you in a relationship with so maybe it's time you find a back bone and be honest with you BF. You need to tell him more than tell us. You say he's a great guy and if that's the case then give him the common courtesy and tell him. he doesn't deserve it.

 

Put yourself in his shoes. Would you like to be strung along with him having a romantic interest in another woman and keep you in the dark?

 

You're likely correct.

I posted this thread because I have few people in my life that would give me an honest opinion. Both of my parents are deceased. I am unsure as to if these feelings are normal to have in a committed relationship. Because, if they are, I would like to think that I have the self control to get through the rest of this "phase". Never have I been deceptive with my boyfriend as to my whereabouts when I'm with friends from school.

[Grumpybutfun]

Yes, Grumpybutfun, I did...directly after it happened. His response surprised me a bit. He looked at me plainly and said, "He had you for 30 seconds and I'll have you for the rest of your life." He told me to avoid that man at school from that point on. So, I have- like the plague. I feel sick that I hurt my boyfriend. Never have I felt like this: I can't eat & can hardly sleep.

 

Everyone is being pretty hard on me. Much of it I need to hear, I'm afraid. I really do wish I could just snap out of this and be content.

 

Malorie:

My intention is not to be hard on you but to let you look at things from a different perspective. You are very young and confused. At 23 you have spent 3 years in a serious relationship. Do you honestly think that your mind would be wandering if you had sowed the wild oats, partied hard, , met different and unique men as an adult, and had more dating adventures? Being immature doesn't mean you are silly or stupid, Ninja had a pretty good view on it. It just means you need certain life lessons and experiences to take you to the next step. You may have advanced in many areas of life but in your personal area, you need more...more adventures, more experiences, more men...nothing wrong with this.

What me and a few others have problems with is that you do your growing and you suffer needlessly while kissing or more with other men while your bf sits at home thinking you are his forever girl. Meanwhile you are scoping the young men you are drawn to and he gets very little of you at the end of the day. Sometimes you have to be honest to be kind even if it hurts.

 

It is better to be honest about your desires than to be duplicitous in your actions.

The only thing you can do without cheating him out of a good gf and cheating you out of growth you obviously need is to be honest and face that you can't lie to yourself about what you want any longer.

Kindly,

Grumps

[McMike]

He deserves someone who loves him wholeheartedly, you're obviously not that girl. End it before you hurt him even more.

[bubbaganoosh]

One thing for sure. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to tell him the truth. You see how he acted when you told him that you kissed another guy. Most guys would be PISSED and let you know it.

 

He was willing to let it go and in his mind he'll have you for the rest your life so that's what I'm tell you about letting it go on.

 

Look. I know it's really hard to look someone who loves you in the eye and tell him that it's best if the both of you move on. Will he be hurt? Oh yeah, plenty. Will he be mad? Count on it. That's the feelings you have when you find out that it's over, but you already kissed another guy so your self control is slowly falling in the dumpster. Sooner or later your going to throw caution to the wind and do something that your going to have a real hard time confessing to him. Then, the parting is going to take a different twist because YOU WILL HURT HIM MORE THAN YOU THOUGHT POSSIBLE and no only will he have a hard time forgiving you and maybe not forgiving you at all but you will have a hard time forgiving yourself.

 

You seem like a nice girl who considers other peoples feelings because you confess to him about kissing that guy. Please do the right thing.

[ScreamingTrees]

I don't see how it's so hard to find someone who you'd want to be with for the rest of your life. If you get along and have a similar view of relationships and either both want/don't want children and are religiously compatible.. What's the issue here?

 

You said it yourself that the other dudes aren't necessarily "better" than your man, so, I don't understand. Perhaps it's just that I'd never want to BE WITH someone new just for the sake of it. I'd rather DO SOMETHING new with the person I've grown to be in love with.

[Fufu]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years (I’m 23 and he’s 27) and we moved in with each other 1 year ago. He is everything that I want in a husband- physically attractive, fun, loving, and professionally successful. Within the past 6 months, something has changed and we fight more often. However, he still plans on proposing to me in the very near future. I was on board with this until I started medical school in August. All of a sudden, I was bombarded with a 100 intelligent men & I found myself becoming attracted to several of them. Because we work in groups & are with eachother every day, we have all become friends and hang out on the weekends together. Recently, I have found myself becoming romantically interested in a few of them (to the point that we hang out one-on-on for dinner and such). I am ashamed of it- but one of them kissed me. I told him that it was inappropriate and couldn’t happen again. It is important to point out that I would never date this man- and I am not interested in anyone else specifically.

 

I don’t know why this is happening. I have the perfect man right in front of me yet I’m finding myself wanting to hang out, talk to, get to know, party and flirt with other (less attractive) men. The desire is strong too. What is wrong with me? Is this normal? Is my relationship over? Am I falling out of love with my boyfriend? Please help.

 

 

Losing sparks in your current relationship? Im not sure if you relationship is going towards the stagnancy period which is pretty common in a relationship. Have you tried talking to your bf?

 

But seriously if you are really not in love with your bf anymore and doesn't see any future being with him, then I think it's best to let him go because eventually I think your feelings will be very unfair to your bf. If not, I think it's good that both of you do something about it.

[Keenly]

Poor bloke, he's going to be devastated once he realises all his invested time, energy, emotion and money have been for someone that doesn't give a sh*t.

 

Leave the guy and go be with 'other men'

 

No f*cking wonder I have so many doubts about marriage!

 

Seriously..... He is so perfect that I go out alone to dinner with other men.

 

 

What she is feeling may be normal feelings, but everything else is a complete lack of respect for her boyfriend. Leave him so he can find some one that deserves the love he is willing to give, because apparently you don't want it or can't see it for how good it really is.

 

 

Upon further contemplation, stories like this are what make guys afraid of commitment and afraid of emotional closeness.

The dude by all accounts did everything right, and she wants to leave him anyway.

 

If you want any hope of ever being with this guy in the future when you ARE ready to settle down, you have to explain your reasoning for breaking up with him when/if you do it. Explain that you are doing it because you want to see what else is out there. He needs to know so that he can make that decision for himself.

 

If you want him back that is.

Edited November 5, 2013 by Keenly

[flight E]

U will definitely regret it but go ahead follow your feelings. I don't think this makes you bad it just how you feel. It's just sad that woman act this way over and over again then ask y they are being abused in a relationship or marriage. Good people are rare. Excitemnet is eazy to find. I truly wish you could be a girl who appreciates a good man

[JustaRegularGuyZ]

So tired of girls like You. Women look for the man who will treat them well, who will Love them, who will help them out in any situation and when they have him they don't know how to react and how to accept the fact that they found him.

 

You will regret your decision but you HAVE to dump him so he could move on and find someone better. Trust me, next girl will be far better version of you while you will date an ******* after an ******* who will treat you like a piece of meat. It will be fun at first but soon, once you mature, you will regret your decision and think back at what you had but at that point he will have nothing left for you.

 

Make it quick for him, explain that you are not ready and you are not good enough.

[Kate9292]

Well, Dark History, I am hanging out with other men and not my boyfriend because I'd rather hang out with the other men. I don't have a better answer. I really do appreciate the responses so far. I need to hear them. Everyone in my life just tells me to suck it up.

Yes, Grumpybutfun, I did...directly after it happened. His response surprised me a bit. He looked at me plainly and said, "He had you for 30 seconds and I'll have you for the rest of your life." He told me to avoid that man at school from that point on. So, I have- like the plague. I feel sick that I hurt my boyfriend. Never have I felt like this: I can't eat & can hardly sleep.

 

Everyone is being pretty hard on me. Much of it I need to hear, I'm afraid. I really do wish I could just snap out of this and be content.

 

WOW.

 

Your bf is quite a catch! He must be really smitten with you. I wonder how mine would react if I did...

 

Maybe try open relationship? Where you can see, kiss others. etc? And so can he? He doesn't seem to mind all that much, as long as you come back to him...

Edited November 5, 2013 by Kate9292

[MidwestUSA]

WOW.

 

Your bf is quite a catch! He must be really smitten with you. I wonder how mine would react if I did...

 

Maybe try open relationship? Where you can see, kiss others. etc? And so can he? He doesn't seem to mind all that much, as long as you come back to him...

Um, yea, right, LOL! OP is sick that she hurt her BF be allowing someone else to kiss. Her. Doubt that she'll fare better with an open relationship.

 

 

'He doesn't seem to mind all that much' - oh yes he does. He's just confident and secure. For now.

 

 

Thanks for the chuckle.

[Kate9292]

Um, yea, right, LOL! OP is sick that she hurt her BF be allowing someone else to kiss. Her. Doubt that she'll fare better with an open relationship.

 

 

'He doesn't seem to mind all that much' - oh yes he does. He's just confident and secure. For now.

 

 

Thanks for the chuckle.

 

What's so funny?

 

OP is not sick for letting another guy kiss her. It may not be best thing she have done, but so it happens and her bf seems to not be too broken up over it.

 

Not everyone reacts to cheating the same way. Honestly, I even was thinking and imagining my bf with another girl and honestly, it didn't disgust me. I'd rather he talked it with me first but sole him being with another woman doesn't offend me and maybe even turns me on a bit. Maybe I should talk with him about it...

[flight E]

Last poster you will think it's sexy until he dumps you for the other girl am sure it won't turn you on any more

[natwilliams]

Not to play devils advocate but you may just have lost that spark for each other temporarily. Remember, these guys at school are probably putting on their most charming side when they see you. Three years down the road living with you they could be just as stale. Maybe try communicating to your bf that you need to feel romanced more. Maybe move out and revert back to some of the playful flirting games from early on. If that doesnt work then yeah move on. I dont totally buy all the other posts about being too young and needing to scorch the field before marrying- people used to marry in their early twenties all the time and stay happily married their whole life.

[flight E]

U are not a kid. Have a open and sincere discuss with you bf and take a break for a while but don't leave a gud relationship unless u r absolutely sure this is what you want

[tinktronik]

Hi Malorie. As a very young adult I was with Mr. Right. He was so amazingly marriage material. I left him and moved on. For years I regretted walking away and just knew it had been a mistake. Then a few years ago I spent a weekend with Mr. Right. You know what? He was Mr. Right and perfect marriage material..... for someone else, but not at all for me. The person that I had aged into was so different than the person I was in my early 20s. I knew then, even in my early 20s, that there was something (a tiny something) missing in my relationship with Mr. Right that made him just not the one for me. That tiny something would have been huge the older I grew. It does not make him a bad guy, he's a GREAT guy and a wonderful husband to a very lucky someone else now.

[flight E]

What is a "break" going to solve?

 

If she can't be faithful while she is with him... You think her going off to date / sleep with other guys is going to fix / make everything better for the BF?

 

I have never heard of "break" that didn't end up being a Break Up.

 

I have taking breaks from my girl that didn't end in a breakup. The essence of our advise is not to berate her, I believe,as harsh as some of it may sound. She can't be a bad person if she is bothered enuf to post here abt it I guess. I think it's sad that she wishes to give up a good relationship rather than control herself. These temptations are always going to be there. Every relationship is going to get stable and maybe you can call it stale is she going to keep jumping around. take a logical decision to make you relationship work if you have a good relationship. Are you saying now that if you found out your boyfriend has been cheating on you, you will be indifferent. The truth is there is no Mr right but there are lots of Mr wrong. You have found a right own, don't throw it away without trying to make it work. What you feeling now is just your emotions playing tricks on you. if you boyfriend dumps you right now am sure you will be on L'S breakup forum but right now your think you want to be with other guys and is mainly because he has made you comfortable

[flight E]

And you not too young to settle down. Not too immature to be in a committed relationship. You can make reasonable decisions. Unless you saying that you definitely have no love for your bf now or he is not the prince charming you have made him out to be. Then Pls break it off

[RedRobin]

Not to play devils advocate but you may just have lost that spark for each other temporarily. Remember, these guys at school are probably putting on their most charming side when they see you. Three years down the road living with you they could be just as stale. Maybe try communicating to your bf that you need to feel romanced more. Maybe move out and revert back to some of the playful flirting games from early on. If that doesnt work then yeah move on. I dont totally buy all the other posts about being too young and needing to scorch the field before marrying- people used to marry in their early twenties all the time and stay happily married their whole life.

 

U are not a kid. Have a open and sincere discuss with you bf and take a break for a while but don't leave a gud relationship unless u r absolutely sure this is what you want

 

I agree with this.

 

I also don't believe that people need to have a string of 'relationships' before they are ready to get married.

 

If you want to be married, OP, there is no better time to find someone interested in... and believe it or not... capable of... a life-time commitment than those you will come across when you are young. I'm surrounded by them. People who found their spouses in HS, college, or shortly after.

 

Sure, 50% get divorced. Among that 50% are people who are divorced multiple times. Repeat offenders. THAT is what you get if/when you wait till your 30's and beyond. Then you get to deal with someone else's kids, career, etc... usually.

 

Seriously... the grass ain't greener.

 

OTOH, if you aren't all that interested in marriage, then sure, wait. And cross your fingers and pray to God you don't have to deal with the effing dating cess pool that is the hookup culture these days.

Edited November 5, 2013 by RedRobin

[Maxtor]

So, dont want to judge but, he is perfect in every way, and you got tired of him, and want to be with other men, and so you are going to dump him.

 

Another frustrated guy is born, ready to use and humiliate other women. Serious, i dont understand women and never will. He will feel like he didnt do anything wrong, cause, as you say he is perfect and he will never be perfect again and good for him. You dont deserve him.

[RedRobin]

^^ oh please...

 

IMO, the word 'cheater' and 'cheating' is thrown around way too much by people who aren't married.

 

They are not committed to each other.... YET.

 

It is good that the OP is evaluating and re-evaluating. I think it IS good for her to take a step back... not dump the guy.

 

These guys she is working with... see her as a challenge. They might be frustrated themselves and happy to be the one to throw a wrench into someone else's happiness and future. Hey, OP... ever thought of THAT?

 

Decent guys don't mess with women who are dating/living with someone else.

 

If you are serious about marriage, OP, then check out Harley's stuff on pre-marriage thoughts/considerations. His own wife of many decades broke up with him many times during their courtship whenever she saw someone else she might want to date. That is what courtship is for.

 

Cheating is what people do AFTER they've made a commitment. Not before. People these days act like dating is a commitment. It's not. Marriage is.

[melell]

If anything the OP should enlighten us on the fact that GIGS isn't a state of delusion, and people that want different things and walk away are doing so out of legitimate logic.

 

Hence why dumpers don't usually come back.

 

The more I read and post on here the more convinced I am that this is human nature-human nature reflective of a 'post modern' society maybe-but human nature all the same.

 

People shouldn't be wrapped up in guilt for making the choices they make, and they shouldn't live in regret, or be held back by the what if's.

 

There are billions of the opposite sex in this world, the concept of the 'one' or 'most perfect', in my opinion, is crazy.

 

If you don't want to settle down, then don't.

If you want to break up with someone, then do it.

If you meet someone you couldn't pull yourself away from, then stay.

 

As long as people are mindful of their decisions, and are empathetic to others, then they should follow whatever they want. And those who have been left for whatever reason, be mindful of the fact that those who left them simply did so because that is what they wanted to do. It doesn't make them criminals.

 

For the op- If you want something else, and you are considering other guys then go with it. If one person wants to settle down, and the other doesn't, it is logical to find more compatible partners. If you make a mistake and regret it, so be it, but it isn't going to ruin your life if you don't let it.

 

Live and learn.

[Keenly]

WTF!

 

Are the last several posters so desperate that they want to be with someone that does not want them and even when they cheated?

 

Jesus! There are some screwed up people out there.

 

Since when is breaking up with someone you no longer want to be with a crime and make the dumper evil? That is the POINT of dating / being in a relationship and NORMAL when you are young. She has no life / dating experience hardly but one guy and wants to date others. There is NOTHING wrong with that.

 

It's not marriage (till death due us part) just because someone agrees to go on a date / enters into a relationship with you.

 

I think we are a little more upset at her going on dates with these guys while they are still together. While it may not be "cheating" , it is unfaithful and disloyal .

[Revolver]

Your probably thinking

 

"He's good and all.... But I think I can upgrade"

[ToThinkIs]

OP

 

As someone who is in medical school right now, I will tell you it is EXTREMELY taxing on relationships.

 

I came into school in a two year relationship where we were mad for each other and the strain of my schedule eventually was too much for him (among other things...of course every relationship has its quirks).

 

However, I will say, I was older than you when I started medical school (27), and so I had time to test the waters with plenty of men as well.

 

I feel like your problem can go a few ways:

 

maybe you really still love this guy and he is the right one, but you are having that "dammit i am only 23 and surrounded by all these new men and maybe i need to play the field first before settling down" phase that SO many people go through. It's really very normal. Unfortunately, no one can tell you what to do with this....either you learn to ignore those urges (and some people don't do well with this), or you take the risk of a break-up and see if you end up missing your boyfriend in this "break" in which you are allowed to date other men and expolore the field. Of course, you risk your boyfriend finding someone else in this break and/or resenting you enough to never get back with you, however, that might be a risk you have to take for your own mental health. Regret is a wasted emotion and everything happens for a reason, but it is neither fair to you OR him to constantly stray. It starts with innocent one-on-one dinners with other men, a kiss here and there, and ends potentially with you cheating on him (don't say you never would...it happens to the best of us who deny that we'd ever do it), or even worse, you end up resenting HIM for "keeping you" from exploring other people. I have a best friend who has been with his wife since he was in high school and while he loves and adores her to this day (in their 30's) he visibly is irritated because he wonders what it would be like to have been with other women. In summation: you can't have your cake and eat it too. Either stay with him and suck it up , or risk it by taking a break from the relationship to test the waters. Sometimes it's easier to have clarity from outside of a situation.

 

As for the med school thing, let me tell you that it gets harder and harder as time goes to have time for dating. People in my school often hook up with each other out of sheer convenience. A couple of real relationships have developed out of it but mostly its been hook ups. On the opposite, there have been quite a few people in relationships long-term from before med school started who are still happily in those relationships, so its possible, but those people really really have to work hard at it and their significant others are VERY understanding of their schedules. Of the people who had kids in med school, ALL of them were men who had wives who were NOT med students who stayed home with the kids. You have much different considerations as a female medical student, unfortunately, and this is something i struggle with as well, and I am much more at an age where i am starting to be "stressed" about still being unmarried.

 

I will say that my prior relationship did not stand the test of medical school. I tried dating a few people after my break-up who are not med students, and they had little time or patience for my schedule. I ended up dating one local guy for about six months and he, too, got incredibly frustrated by my lack of time....now that I am towards the end of med school I often spend 15 hours a day in the hospital. When I studied for my boards, I easily spent 15-17 hours a day studying for at least two or three months. I would go to his house on weekends for sleep, sex, the occasional movie night and making dinner once a week, but during the weekdays it was a wonder if i had time for him more than a couple hours before bed time for some cuddle time. So in that way, I envied the married people who just had someone there all the time who wasnt needing the attention that a new person would. Dating in itself can be kind of a full time job that you have little time for. First year of med school you have time to date, but as time goes there is less and less time to devote to playing the field, trust me.

 

The perks of having an established relationship from before is that the person is comfortable with you and might be more understanding of your future schedule....on the opposite, they may resent your schedule.

 

Its hard for people here to give advice because honestly, we dont know your relationship no matter how you describe it.

 

You put a lot of focus on his "looks" which are irrelevant....or that the guys you went to dinner with are less attractive. This alone makes me wonder if maybe your maturity level leaves a little to be desired at the moment, and that maybe you might be one of those people who would benefit from being single a while.

 

Then again, maybe you are one of those co-dependent people who functions better when they have a boyfriend. I know I am happier when I have someone who I think loves me around, and who gives me an outlet for my stress and someone to cuddle me at night.

 

At the end of the day, ask yourself this: Do you really love him? It's irrelevant how "perfect" he is.....looks, jobs, and all that crap dont matter. What matters is if you really love him, if you really crave him, if you really want to be with him and can imagine your life as being incomplete without him. It is normal to be curious about other men, especially being so young. That doesnt necessarily mean you need to date around, but no one can tell you but you if you want to be with this guy.

 

I will say this...you are far too young to be married, in my humble opinion, and I think coming from your religious background and small town you might feel more pressure for marriage than some other people would, and you should separate from this if you can and focus intrinsically on what YOU really want right now. There is no reason you cannot continue to just date your boyfriend and see how the relationship handles the next 2-3 years, which as a med student myself, I promise will be VERY taxing on you, both physically and emotionally.

 

If I were you I would tell him not to propose to you--- that you love him or whatver but that you want to be sure you guys can handle the rigors of the next couple years. There's really no need to be legally bound to one another yet, is there?

 

At the end of the day, if you cannot get over the doubt in your mind, then really you have answered your own question.

 

There is always an argument for both sides .....some couples survive med school and some dont. Some couples marry young and are happy, and some marry young and are miserable. Anonymous strangers on the internet cannot tell you which one you will be.

 

All I can tell you is that from personal experience the stress of my med school experience was enough to kill at least one relationship, and its' a good thing we did not get married which we'd been considering. If YOU truly believe you have a good man you love and want, and don't just feel this way because OTHER people tell you "oh he's so perfect and good looking and successful", then maybe you should give it a chance but put off the whole engagement thing for a while. Maybe that would give you a chance to see where it can go.

 

But stop going out on one-one dinners with men you are attracted to. That is something that IS totally in your control, and is totally disrespectful to the person you are with. If you want to date, then break up with him. If you don't want to lose him, then garner the self-control to sacrifice and go against your impulse to date others to see where this goes. You are young. You are REALLY young. In fact, you could waste the next four years of your life on this relationship, graduate medical school, start a residency somewhere, and STILL be super young and certainly young enough to break it off and go start dating any of a million equally young , hot, smart doctors that will be surrounding you in residency and at the hospital.

 

Hope you come to a decision soon. Whatever it is, part of being mature entails being able to make decisions that don't always satiate ALL your impulses. Sometimes you have to pick the one impulse most important to you (whether its staying in a relationship or being single to date) and run with it. Feel free to PM me if you want to ask me something about med-dating life....i dont always have a chance to come on here with my wondrous school schedule to follow threads. Best of luck.