MalorieLove Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years (I’m 23 and he’s 27) and we moved in with each other 1 year ago. He is everything that I want in a husband- physically attractive, fun, loving, and professionally successful. Within the past 6 months, something has changed and we fight more often. However, he still plans on proposing to me in the very near future. I was on board with this until I started medical school in August. All of a sudden, I was bombarded with a 100 intelligent men & I found myself becoming attracted to several of them. Because we work in groups & are with eachother every day, we have all become friends and hang out on the weekends together. Recently, I have found myself becoming romantically interested in a few of them (to the point that we hang out one-on-on for dinner and such). I am ashamed of it- but one of them kissed me. I told him that it was inappropriate and couldn’t happen again. It is important to point out that I would never date this man- and I am not interested in anyone else specifically. I don’t know why this is happening. I have the perfect man right in front of me yet I’m finding myself wanting to hang out, talk to, get to know, party and flirt with other (less attractive) men. The desire is strong too. What is wrong with me? Is this normal? Is my relationship over? Am I falling out of love with my boyfriend? Please help.
MidwestUSA Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 You've been with your boyfriend since you were 20. I would say it's very normal to want to see what else is out there. Med school is what? - an eight year commitment? Think of the paths you'll cross in that time. IMO, 23 is too young to be committed to one person and looking at marriage. I will always believe I married too young (at 26). You've got a lot to think about, best of luck to you.
KathyM Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 You are not ready to settle down yet with one guy. You are, after all, only 23. I would suggest you tell your boyfriend that you don't feel you are ready to have a committed relationship, and you find yourself thinking about other men, and you don't think it's fair to him to keep him in a monogamous relationship when you are not ready for that. 2
Dark_history Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 The issue is that you are young and in medical school. You are not balancing med school and your relationship. Med school is very time consuming, why are you hanging out with these other men and not your BF with the little free time you have? You are placing very poor boundaries and setting yourself up to ruin your relationship.
Author MalorieLove Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 Well, Dark History, I am hanging out with other men and not my boyfriend because I'd rather hang out with the other men. I don't have a better answer. I really do appreciate the responses so far. I need to hear them. Everyone in my life just tells me to suck it up.
Divasu Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Am I falling out of love with my boyfriend? Yes, it sounds like you are. Someone posted a thread not too long ago with similar circumstances (around the same age too), you should probably talk to your boyfriend about how you're feeling and go from there.
Grumpybutfun Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 OP: Why do young people want to find the "one" at 18-25 when they need to be figuring out who they are? You are immature and you have no idea what you want or who you are. Break up amicably with your bf and experience young adulthood so that once you do commit and get married you will be smart enough, mature enough, and know enough about yourself to not be divorced in 7 years. I know there are exceptions, but those people are usually very focused, very mature and they have lived their lives with purpose. Good luck, Grumpy 5
MidwestUSA Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Everyone in my life just tells me to suck it up. Worst. Advice. Ever. As if the divorce rates among doctors isn't high enough already! (No offense to you)
Author MalorieLove Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 @MidwestUSA, I'm happy you think it's awful advice. I do too. I'm from an incredibly small town in the far north. Almost all of my friends are already married & many have children already. @GrumpyButFun: I think what confuses me is that I am, or was, very much like one of those exceptions. I have an Ivy League education. I've been working as a research scientist for 2 years. I grew up New Order Mennonite. I never thought I would find myself wanting what I want right now. Perhaps I am immature.
MrCastle Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 You have to leave your boyfriend. The sooner the better. Especially if he's planning to propose and you're kissing other guys. He is 27 so probably more so looking to settle down. Although the age gap is 4 years, the gap in maturity between those ages is great. 23 year olds should not be settling down. I don't think 27 years old should either, but I guess they're a little older so it's not as bad. 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 One of the signs of maturity to me is someone who recognizes that for themselves, they're not mature enough yet when it comes to certain things that feel beyond their scope of wisdom, knowledge and experience. And in spite of the consequences and their own emotions and fears, they have the ability to make the right objective decision under that pressure. It's not about elevating yourself and believing you are ahead of yourself, just because of what you've accomplished professionally, what you may have been through in your personal life or anything else that you have prior experience in and just basically shift that over to all aspects of life like it just fulfills all the gaps there is to actually growing up and finding yourself. Personal life experience is different from relationship experience because you actually need another person to gauge it, understand and reflect on it. And IMO it actually takes you a few relationships that are on the more serious, long-term and grown-up level to really know what you want...you've got to grow as a person first before you know what you want in your romantic relationships...it would be like trying to find the right size shoe when you don't even know the size of your own foot. What looks and feels perfect to you now is just a fantasy, it's an ideal...it fits the mold but it's not what you need right now or what is going to make you happy, especially if you can't recognize it for yourself and others have to tell you...and even so, what you feel is different than what they think or see (in terms of what you should do at least...don't take this out of context and run with it) At any rate, some will disagree with that...however I think 23 is much too young to head down the road you are on now, furthermore I've seen plenty of relationships with your similar background and career choice struggle in maintaining these idealistic easy-made relationships where you shack-up early on and start living the married life with your new house and the rest of it. Guaranteed you're going to see relationships like yours crumbling around you because people are spending more time at work than at home...plenty of hooking up going on at work and the kind of thing you're participating in, you're definitely not doing anything out of the norm with your behavior....people always think more highly educated and professional individuals conduct their personal lives in a more respectable manner because it looks so clean cut on the outside but the same scandalous crap that happens on ghetto tv with Tyrone and Shakika on Jerry Springer is the same crap going down. You'll start seeing the silver lining coming off a lot of these "perfect" couples as people start getting to their mid to late 20's. What really puts this in perspective, or what should for you...is you've already put yourself in a position for a man to kiss you (as you say), you're already going out on dinner-dates and those little friendly "oh he's just a friend!" kind of thing...so you've already crossed the line, you like the attention, you feed off of it and you've becoming overwhelmed by it. What do you think is going to happen when one of these Einsteins actually has some "game", swagger/charm or suave? he's going to chew you up and spit you out...you're going to develop that emotional relationship and it's going to be downhill from there on...you're primed for it. Plus the guy is a bit older and likely more experienced than you (your BF) so he might be a bit more ready to settle down than you and at a slightly different stage in your life, you've essentially spent all of your real youth with this guy. If you continue with your current guy it looks like eventually there will be more than a kiss...so IMO, break it off before you do something really bad...IMO you're already cheating, and I happen to be experienced in that realm! 5
validus Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 You have not met Mr. Right yet, if you had you wouldn't feel this way. 1
GoodOnPaper Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 College to medical school (or any other graduate/professional school) is a HUGE life adjustment and your bf is not going through it with you, so you and how you look at your relationship would go through very difficult changes even if there were no men coming out of the woodwork for you. But, since dating for women at age 23 is smack in the middle of the kid-in-a-candy-store time of life, these temptations are probably going to be too much for your relationship to bear. Speaking as someone who was burned in similar fashion in college, I don't think you will be able to shake the urge to follow through with some of these opportunities.
Author MalorieLove Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 You have not met Mr. Right yet, if you had you wouldn't feel this way. I have been wondering if this is why I feel this way. I just don't want to regret my decision in a few years from now. I wonder if these thoughts occassionally go through everyone's head or if I truly am with the wrong person.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I have been wondering if this is why I feel this way. I just don't want to regret my decision in a few years from now. I wonder if these thoughts occassionally go through everyone's head or if I truly am with the wrong person. Maybe you were a man in a past life....that's something that is typical with men, many will hold onto women they see as good "options" or alternatives in the event that things do not work out in their romantic lives...however I've seen women do this too, I think it's natural not to want to lose a "good thing" because life can be so unpredictable and back n forth, many people bounce side to side, forwards and backwards worrying about what the future will hold...but in reality, it's an option...they're still looking out for the possibility of something "better". People will always fear the unknown.
ascendotum Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I have been wondering if this is why I feel this way. I just don't want to regret my decision in a few years from now. I wonder if these thoughts occassionally go through everyone's head or if I truly am with the wrong person. You could just as easily have thoughts of regret wandering your mind in a few years time going down the other path and marrying your bf while having such doubts. You need to be true to your needs and true desires. Be selfish on what is in your best interest (for that you need to weigh up the short term and the long term) as long as you don't hurt others in the process. I don't think you are ready to settle down yet and its better you let your bf know your true feelings before be gets down on his knee in restaurant holding a ring in his hand.
StanMusial Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 You should split up with him so he can find someone good. 2
soccerrprp Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 It's obvious that he's not the PERFECT man for you and the grass is greener thing has grabbed you. You now see other potential, attractive, future doctors and your sights and that leads me to believe that your current bf's profession isn't good enough for you. Move on and let your great guy find a woman that deserves him. Hopefully the next guy or guys you find will be as PERFECT.
f1asr88 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I have unfortunately been in exactly the same position as your boyfriend, with concrete plans to propose to a girl who I was madly in love with for three years. We were both really happy together and never once argued. I was that perfect guy whom all her family loved too. It was bliss, but when she started a new job, just as you have started med school, she decided she would rather be with one of her colleagues. And she dumped me. I won't lie to you, it hit me like a truck and crushed my heart, I spent months in a mess, crying at work, at home, even whilst playing soccer and at the gym. (And I'm fairly stoic and "British" when it comes to expressing my emotions! ) It may well do the same to your boyfriend..... BUT...... I realise now, five months later, that it was for the best. I'm at peace with it now. Please put him first. Doesn't he deserve to be loved wholeheartedly by someone who is completely devoted to him? That person isn't you. If you really loved him as much as he deserves to be loved, you wouldn't rather be with other guys. So set him free, and let him find the girl he deserves. Don't keep him as an insurance choice, don't suppress your desire to be with other guys and stay with him, because you'll either be miserable and resentful or you'll cheat on him (which to be honest, you have already done.) It's the best thing you can do, for you both. 3
crederer Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Sounds like you have GIGS. It's pretty normal for a person of your age. I'd suggest breaking up with your bf cause he deserves to find someone that isn't sampling the buffet of men.
lino Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Poor bloke, he's going to be devastated once he realises all his invested time, energy, emotion and money have been for someone that doesn't give a sh*t. Leave the guy and go be with 'other men' No f*cking wonder I have so many doubts about marriage!
soccerrprp Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 The OP is very young, immature and doesn't know what she really wants in a guy. That sounds like the 20s behavior...thank goodness I know what's important and sad what crappy years she may go through looking for the next perfect guy that will want her too.
Grumpybutfun Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years (I’m 23 and he’s 27) and we moved in with each other 1 year ago. He is everything that I want in a husband- physically attractive, fun, loving, and professionally successful. Within the past 6 months, something has changed and we fight more often. However, he still plans on proposing to me in the very near future. I was on board with this until I started medical school in August. All of a sudden, I was bombarded with a 100 intelligent men & I found myself becoming attracted to several of them. Because we work in groups & are with eachother every day, we have all become friends and hang out on the weekends together. Recently, I have found myself becoming romantically interested in a few of them (to the point that we hang out one-on-on for dinner and such). I am ashamed of it- but one of them kissed me. I told him that it was inappropriate and couldn’t happen again. It is important to point out that I would never date this man- and I am not interested in anyone else specifically. I don’t know why this is happening. I have the perfect man right in front of me yet I’m finding myself wanting to hang out, talk to, get to know, party and flirt with other (less attractive) men. The desire is strong too. What is wrong with me? Is this normal? Is my relationship over? Am I falling out of love with my boyfriend? Please help. OP: Did you tell your bf you kissed another, cheated on him? What did he say? He may make that decision for you whether to stay or go. Grumps
bubbaganoosh Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Ok. You posted your thread to me and everyone else. That's all fine and dandy but were not the one's you in a relationship with so maybe it's time you find a back bone and be honest with you BF. You need to tell him more than tell us. You say he's a great guy and if that's the case then give him the common courtesy and tell him. he doesn't deserve it. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you like to be strung along with him having a romantic interest in another woman and keep you in the dark?
Author MalorieLove Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 OP: Did you tell your bf you kissed another, cheated on him? What did he say? He may make that decision for you whether to stay or go. Grumps Yes, Grumpybutfun, I did...directly after it happened. His response surprised me a bit. He looked at me plainly and said, "He had you for 30 seconds and I'll have you for the rest of your life." He told me to avoid that man at school from that point on. So, I have- like the plague. I feel sick that I hurt my boyfriend. Never have I felt like this: I can't eat & can hardly sleep. Everyone is being pretty hard on me. Much of it I need to hear, I'm afraid. I really do wish I could just snap out of this and be content.
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