Want to break 3 months no contact

[Davenande]

So I broke up with my ex of nearly a year at the end of July. I think the following will be long and perhaps rambling, but will hopefully just let me get it all out of my head. I hope someone can give me advice at the end.

 

For the majority of the time in the relationship I was really happy - he was independent, mature, confident, charismatic. He gave me the kind of relationship I always thought I'd wanted being my first bf. However at times I felt like I wanted to spend more time with him and that we did things quite often on his terms.

 

This reached a climax at one point when I was extremely stressed with work and other areas of my life and found out later I was coming down with a bad case of mono, and he told me he couldn't see me for a week (even though he lived a 10 minute walk from me and we often frequented the same places throughout the week). I suppose I felt de-prioritised, even though this was exactly the kind of non-clingy relationship I'd always desired. It made me feel ashamed I felt this way and wanted more, and conflicted in how I therefore felt about him.

 

Ultimately I spoke to him and said I needed some time to think about us, though this wasn't a break up. We didn't contact for a couple of days and gradually I felt better and more sure of things again. Obviously damage had been done but we slipped back into the same relationship, never properly discussing what happened to me. This will always be one of my biggest regrets.

 

2 weeks after that my mono reached fever pitch and I could barely leave my bedroom for days with tonsilitis and a high grade temperature. I also had some very important examinations to do at the same time. I saw him once throughout this week and it was quite awkward in a way, at one point (in an attempt to seem like I really wanted the independent relationship that he did) I said 'I wouldn't want you to look after me when I look and feel this bad', but actually I think that was quite hurtful to him. Another of my biggest regrets.

 

Throughout that ill week I realised communication from him was getting less than normal and he seemed a bit off and distant. When I saw him again the next week he was very distant to the point of being cold. We slept together that evening and after that he warmed up again. I couldn't shake the feeling though that something major had gone on the previous week and so did something that is yet another regret for me - I looked through his phone.

 

I found that he had gone online and found someone to have sex with (no strings attached style) the previous week. They had exchanged texts but I could see from the conversation that he didn't do it, saying to this other person that he'd have to reorganise as his friend was coming to stay (which was true). The texts were explicit in nature. I confronted him about them, apologising for snooping but questioning what he wanted. He said it had been a brief slip up for him and as far as he was concerned it was over. We agreed to carry on together. I never really recovered from this - it fed that growing insecurity I'd felt before.

 

We went long distance a week after that, and the day he was in another place I checked a dating website. It was one of those ones which scans your local area for the people nearby, and I changed my phones location to where he was and found his profile there. Immediately I spoke to him and said I couldn't carry on. He told me that he was not using it for sex and that he had used it to make friends when he travelled before (being gay he said it helped him meet other gay people). We agreed to carry on together so long as there were no websites or profiles.

 

After that we never really discussed what had happened, though I was very insecure. I kept trying to steer the conversation towards sex and new stuff we could do together, in an effort to keep him only interested in me. Needless to say I sound crazy at this point. We were seeing each other roughly one day each fortnight, but before one day I went to go visit him I tried to bring up what had happened, as we hadn't discussed it since the days surrounding it. He got very upset and quiet, said he was angry that this was still an issue, and that he wasn't sure he wanted me to come visit. He said he saw this problem between us he couldn't fix, and wasn't sure he was ready to try to.

 

In the end I did visit and we had a nice day together, though never spoke about it. Accidentally this time (so not a regret for me) I was on his computer and looking through the bookmarks for my email I saw that he had a profile on a dating website that he'd made two months after we first started going out. It was a website for fetish sex hookups and had his picture and location. It had been inactive since our last discussion about no websites, and I didn't think he had physically cheated on me while we were together, but I was again insecure about how long these cyber exchanges had been going on, and the extent of them (messages, pictures, videocamming etc.)

 

Eventually I spoke to him about it, and he said he thought he had lost my trust and wasn't sure he wanted to continue this. I was very upset about that so agreed to myself to not let it become a big deal to me anymore and stop talking about it. Shortly after that, again the day before I was supposed to visit him next I contacted him and asked him if we could go on holiday together. Or at least spend more than one day every other week together. He said 'he didn't know' and sounded upset and quiet again.

 

That evening I checked and saw he had gone on the local gay finding app. I tried to call him numerous times but it was late and he didn't pick up. I then sent him a break up text. He texted back the next morning saying he had gone on it to see if I was still keeping tabs on him. We had an amicable break up. I have never been one to yell, I'm much quicker to always blame myself. In a way I think it's my method of being insecure and quite controlling - if I make myself the one in the wrong or the one with insecurity then I can never lose or be disappointed in someone else.

 

I blocked him on facebook, drunk texted him the next night to which he replied, then deleted his number. Then went no contact. I did however, the day we break up, see that he had continued on the dating app and was looking for a hook up.

 

I've been in no contact for 3 months, but it has been extremely hard to get over him. I have constantly blamed myself for over-reacting, or being too insecure, or forcing the relationship for too long, and for ruining my once ideal relationship. I think about him often and it makes me sad that I don't even have his fb anymore. I think it makes me seem petty - my other friends all seem to be fine with their exes. For me it would be too hard.

 

I suppose now I'm stuck at the 'what if' stage and I think that if I contact him for just another conversation now, I can stop that wondering. Maybe just a text message get back in touch. Maybe unblocking his facebook. Maybe asking to meet up with him. It's just been driving me crazy, and as sad as it is, if he was to ask me for a reconciliation right now there's a good chance I'd say yes. PLEASE HELP ME!

[ponchsox]

Whatever you have to do, don't do it! Breaking NC is like a recovering alcoholic saying it's only one drink. Next thing you know they are passed out on the floor.

[petall]

You did the right thing in breaking up. So many breaches on his part and you forgave him too many times. He was already checking out and was very disrespectful towards your relationship through all the misdeeds he did. Don't contact him.

[Davenande]

Thanks Petall, sometimes it's really nice just to have the validation that I did the right thing. I don't know why it stings so much when you say 'he was checking out', as I suppose I've always considered him more bit of a victim to his past, and that he never really stopped loving me - he just couldn't help doing these things. It's funny how I heard more about his difficult previous experiences after things started to sour. Ridiculous and obvious when I put it down in writing like that. A ways to go before I reach acceptance.

[AllTooWell]

You did the right thing.

 

I want to break NC all the time but now I've realized it's not going to work out the way I want it to. I wanna reach out and have it make me feel better, make me feel something. But all it would do is make me feel like ****.

 

Not just that it will set you back (because it will) but you need to do this for you - be strong. Show yourself you can keep this commitment - you made a commitment to yourself to go NC, and when you break a promise to yourself, you are the only person who suffers!

 

 

Stay strong

[petall]

Dave, I am sorry if it hurt but it is what it is. You miss him, it's totally understandable you are trying to see a way out and wonder if you can make another go of things with him. But don't excuse his behaviour based on his "background". He was essentially going to cheat on you (or at least thinking of it) and that is NEVER okay whatever the situation.

[Davenande]

You're right again, the cheating was a matter of time. I knew that - it's why I kept checking. Looking for the solid answer or proof that almost meant I didn't have to make the decision.

 

It's funny how quick and desperate I was and am to forgive him, and how much harder I am on myself. I think my actions telling him I wasn't sure about us, and pressuring him, and EVEN getting ill... were all things that contributed to what he did. But you're right, what he did could never be okay. They say the first step to letting go is forgiveness, I think in my case that's forgiving myself.

[Sugarkane]

Your ex sounds like a jerk! You get sick and he pulls away and cheats on you? How lame. I hope you stay in NC.

[what_a_blonde]

Whatever you have to do, don't do it! Breaking NC is like a recovering alcoholic saying it's only one drink. Next thing you know they are passed out on the floor.

 

This is sooo true and a very humorous way to get the message across!

 

There are so many times that I say "I'm done with this!" and then he will text me and I think "just one more time"... then before you know it I'm back at square one feeling regretful, foolish, low, less of myself, etc.

[Davenande]

Thanks everyone, I probably will stay NC. It sometimes feels that when you're gay (not that breakups are ever easy) that just finding someone you like and who likes you is that much rarer, and it makes you want to make it work that much harder, against all odds. I already realise I'm WAY less miserable without him than I was with by the end.

[headinthecloud]

Thanks everyone, I probably will stay NC. It sometimes feels that when you're gay (not that breakups are ever easy) that just finding someone you like and who likes you is that much rarer, and it makes you want to make it work that much harder, against all odds. I already realise I'm WAY less miserable without him than I was with by the end.

 

Gay or straight, it's just as hard to find someone who gets you.

 

Please stay NC. You wi find someone else, keep a positive attitude. And work on your self esteem - you don't need other people to validate you. That leads to insecurity. Be who you are and be proud.

[Davenande]

Just want to say I didn't contact him, and I think that this particular wave has passed. I think you guys are largely to thank for that - I know I shouldn't need it at this point and I have to accept my own decisions, but it's nice to hear them validated by others. I'm not out of the woods just yet I'm sure, but I'm definitely on my way!

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Good for you! Each time you resist the temptation to break NC, you will be stronger for it! Know that you are worth being loved unconditionally and being with someone who will value you and cherish you. They would never break the trust you have in them. Don't forget that.

 

(high five!)