AmyBamy Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 I'm new here and wanted to get some advice. I recently broke up with a man that I had been dating for 3 months because I found out that he is married! I had no idea there were no clues at all. We didn't go to his house ever but he worked near my house so it was just more convenient and made more sense to come to mine. I called him whenever I wanted and there was no weirdness. About two weeks ago I found out that he is married and has been for 20 years. He has children that are teenagers. I found this out from someone that knows him and his wife and when I mentioned that I was dating him she was quick to let me in on the secret that he is married. I broke up with him and gave him hell for lying to me. For the past two weeks he has been contacting me almost every single day. I don't answer his calls but he leaves messages about how much he likes me, how unhappy he is in his marriage, how disappointed in his wife he is and how much he wishes I would give us a chance. He claimed that his wife knew he was seeing other people but of course I didn't buy it. Until our mutual friend and I were talking about it and she said that his wife absolutely does know and doesn't care and that everyone that knows them knows how miserable their marriage is. She gave me a lot of details that the wife has shared with her that I won't share here. So my question is, how do I get rid of him? He isn't doing anything that I could take to the police. I think that if I keep on ignoring him he will eventually go away but then again I really like him too. I'm torn between going ahead and dating him or continuing to ignore him. I have never been in an affair and am not even sure that this would be an affair? Would it be since the wife knows and doesn't care? What should I do?
loveofhorses1970 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 If you are comfortable sharing him, go ahead and see him. If you want a committed relationship, keep NC and change your phone number.
spiderowl Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 You don't know anything for sure until you've asked the people involved, i.e the wife. Whatever anyone else says is hearsay, so even if your source is good, take it with a pinch of salt. As for the guy, I know you are attracted to him but he is cheating on his wife. He lied to you. If he didn't lie outright, he omitted to mention he was married. That is the kind of guy he is, an untrustworthy one. You can get rid of this guy if you want to. He probably makes a habit of getting to know women and charming them, so that when they do find out he is married, they are already feeling attached to him. Not telling someone you are married is dishonest, sneaky, despicable. What kind of guy are you looking for? List the qualities you want in a man. Do honesty, integrity, kindness, thoughtfulness and consideration for others feature? If not, maybe he would be the right guy for you. 4
blue963 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Either way i think i would be careful. If the wife doesnt care if hes going out with something he might not be that great to begin with.
whichwayisup Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 So, if his wife knows he's a cheater and doesn't care, why didn't he tell you from the get go that he is married and his wife is ok with him going outside of the marriage? Just because a mutual friend tells you something, doesn't make it 100% true. And, now you've heard 'stuff' about his wife. Probably not so nice stuff about her and their marriage. The thing, that is not fact, it's gossip. And, someone who talks behind his wife's back and gives that type of information probably isn't a true or real friend. This MM is scum and is far from perfect. He's a known liar since he LIED to you from day one. How would you be able to trust him if you choose to continue with your A ?Not saying you are going to, but reading between the lines, that if his wife is okay with him cheating, seems you may consider continuing on with him. IF that is the case, I certainly hope not as you will lose out in the long run, being with a guy who cheats and has no intention of leaving and divorcing his wife is taking you nowhere fast (that is, again if you choose to continue the A).. Hope you aren't even thinking along those lines. You deserve a guy who will treat you well, not lie to you and someone who is fully available and single to date ONLY you! Your choice here but you should just continue to ignore him and see if it's possible to block his number. 4
Author AmyBamy Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 No, I know what our mutual friend is saying about what his wife says is true. She told our mutual friend that as long as she doesn't know about it she doesn't care what he does. I just ran into our mutual friend recently and hadn't seen her for a while. So as we were catching up I brought up his name when she asked me if I was dating anyone. She immediately told me that he is married because it was obvious that I didn't know. She wasn't surprised at all that he was seeing me but was surprised that he wasn't just honest about being married and thought he should have just told me the situation. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I have been really upset and hurt the past couple of weeks since I found out he is married. My friend and I have talked a lot about the situation because she knows them really well and speaks with his wife frequently since he and her boyfriend are really good friends and they do things together. My friend thinks that I should date him. She says that he tells her boyfriend all the time how miserable he is with his wife and that as soon as his kids are out of the house he is leaving. He already has a savings account that he has been building up from a spare job that he plans on using for his attorney when he divorces her. According to my friend she plans on leaving too when the kids are out of the house but her story is that she plans on taking him for everything he has. She doesn't know about the savings account. Their youngest child is 15 and will be out of the house in about two years to go to college. I just can't decide what I want to do but I am still ignoring his calls. He called me again today and told me on voicemail again why he likes me the things that he is attracted to about me and how he wants to explain his situation to me and really wants me to give us a chance. He thinks we could really be great together and we were for those few months. We fit damn near perfectly together.
whichwayisup Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 My friend thinks that I should date him. She says that he tells her boyfriend all the time how miserable he is with his wife and that as soon as his kids are out of the house he is leaving. This is YOUR friends opinion on the matter. IT still is not fact. Unless you directly speak to his wife about all this, you cannot and should not believe all that you hear. I say this respectfully, but your friend encouraging you to still date him after he lied and hide the truth from you is not cool at all. She has no right to speak on behalf of him and his wife, she isn't a fly on the wall. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors except him and his wife. (bolded) Saying and doing are two different things! It's so easy to say and never follow through. Anyway, I hope for your sake you don't date him. He is married, has a life with someone else, they have kids. You deserve a SINGLE guy without all the baggage and drama (if you continue on with him, he'll put you on a roller coaster ride you'll regret going on), and you'll fall in love with him and get hurt, more than you can ever imagine. Walk away now while you still can. 1
2sunny Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 He's married! Nothing about seeing him could make it right! File a restraining order so he stops contacting you. And inform his wife- for sure - so she can know he's harassing you. Take charge! Tell him to buzz off! 3
Author AmyBamy Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 I'm not going to tell his wife. She doesn't want to know that much is obvious. Him telling his best friend who then tells his long time girlfriend that he is leaving isn't anyone's opinion, it's what he says and has been saying for years. I am not making any decisions right now. I am not answering his calls but I'm not blocking him either. I want to tell him when he leaves his wife to get in touch becuase we were really good together. I am going to talk to a few other people that know them well too and see what kind of responses I get. It really does seem like he is telling the truth. But telling his wife would break her only rule that she doesn't hear about it. Our mutual friend knows us both very well and only has my best interest at heart I know that for a fact. I could trust her with my life and would. That's part of the reason I'm really considering it because I know she wouldn't be even the least bit dishonest with me about anything. I trust her completely.
2sunny Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 You make things way too complicated by asking everyone about his marriage. Only one needs to be asked = his wife. Yet you won't. What did you want help with? You want approval to help a MM cheat? No can do. 7
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Forget about the wife. He is a serial cheater. Take it upon yourself to google serial cheaters. He's a liar Nd a manipulator. Those qualities are NOT situational. They don't only exist in some "my wife doesn't make me happy void". They are who he is. And for the record, a wife who doesn't care isn't he same as one who just doesn't want to know who he's zooming now. That implies that she doesn't have a choice. I agree that no real friend would suggest you be part of an affair triangle. 5
ComingInHot Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Amybamy, it seems to me that if MM likes you SOOoooo much and he is SOOooo miserable in his M And His Wife (from what "others" say) is SOOooo UNhappy, he would D & leave His Wife to Genuinely date You and court you in an Honorable way. I see None of the above happening. What I DO read from Your posts, is that a MM conned you, lied to you and now You are considering seeing MM on the low in hopes?? that something bigger than His M Might develop to have MM decide to leave His Wife for you... It Could happen. Maybe in a few months or years. What are You willing to sacrifice to find out? Read MORE of the stories here before you answer. 4
maidai Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Even if all you know is true IS true. He is married His wife knows he cheats and does not care She is not going to leave him He is not leaving her or he would of if he was that miserable He is going to blame his leaving on not leaving the children If you want an exclusive relationship that can get you somewhere and with a partner you have a future with this is not the right man. If you want to be miserable, know that the man you are exclusive with is probably sleeping with his wife alongside other woman and is only ever going to throw you what suits him when he pleases... go ahead. Prepare to have yourself exhausted, your self confidence drained, develop trust issues, be lied to and spend many a night alone tearing yourself apart from the inside in. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Some people do have open relationships where they date other people even inside their marriages. Perhaps this couple is that way. If you want to date him, nobody here can stop you. Yet, you initially broke up with him because he is married & he hid that fact from you. If you didn't find out, you have no way to know that he would have told you. What is your end game? Do you want to get married & have kids? If so, you can't accomplish those goals with this guy so what's the point of dating him? If you are the delusional type who thinks he'll leave his wife for you, remember this: if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you.
cozycottagelg Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 When you start to date someone, you typically put your best foot forward. He left out basically the biggest factor in his life that would make a future with you possible. If you are okay with being his side dish, go for it, who are we to stop you. But if you like this man and can see a real future with him, you need to end it now before you get real feelings for him, because again, he is married. And if I've learned anything from this site, very few men leave their marriages.
Author AmyBamy Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 I'm going to continue to ignore him. I told our mutual friend this and although she would like to see us date, she thinks we would be really great together in ways he and his wife are not, she is supportive. I'm sure that she will talk to her boyfriend about this who will then talk to my ex about this. I just told her that I would possibly consider dating him WHEN he is divorced from his wife. If that never happens it is fine with me but at least then I won't be in a relationship with him and be disappointed. I just can't take the chance that he might be lying to me. If he divorces I would consider it but even then I would have reservations siince he was dishonest about his status from the beginning. He did immediately come clean when I confronted him a couple weeks ago but that is a little too little too late if you ask me. Thanks for all of the advice. 1
bentleychic Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Even IF it's all true about his marriage, the fact remains that your relationship was started on a BIG lie. I think ignoring him is a great idea.
spiderowl Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Forget about the wife. He is a serial cheater. Take it upon yourself to google serial cheaters. He's a liar Nd a manipulator. Those qualities are NOT situational. They don't only exist in some "my wife doesn't make me happy void". They are who he is. And for the record, a wife who doesn't care isn't he same as one who just doesn't want to know who he's zooming now. That implies that she doesn't have a choice. I agree that no real friend would suggest you be part of an affair triangle. His wife's probably past caring. That isn't the same as not caring; it's more like been hurt too much over it in the past. 1
Snipercatt Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Wait. . . What?!? You'd consider dating someone who lied to you about being married? Someone willing to risk your heart and trust to get something from you? 3
2sure Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 He lied to you about, oh, everything. Your thoughts run from going to the police to really liking him. You have been told by a friend that he cheats on his wife and it's common knowledge. My XH was a serial cheater. He gave me 2 STDs. Women think, he must be safe, he's been married for years. So, do what you like or what makes sense. 1
whichwayisup Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I'm going to continue to ignore him. I told our mutual friend this and although she would like to see us date, she thinks we would be really great together in ways he and his wife are not, she is supportive. I'm sure that she will talk to her boyfriend about this who will then talk to my ex about this. I just told her that I would possibly consider dating him WHEN he is divorced from his wife. If that never happens it is fine with me but at least then I won't be in a relationship with him and be disappointed. I just can't take the chance that he might be lying to me. If he divorces I would consider it but even then I would have reservations siince he was dishonest about his status from the beginning. He did immediately come clean when I confronted him a couple weeks ago but that is a little too little too late if you ask me. Thanks for all of the advice. There are other *better and single* fish in the sea. This one stinks so I'm glad to read that you're cutting him loose. Though I don't know why you'd consider dating him knowing he's very capable of telling some pretty big lies and fooled you for so long.
Author AmyBamy Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 It's been a few weeks and it's been crazy! The married guy I was seeing filed for divorce from his wife and continues to try to make contact with me. He isn't doing anything that I could file a protection order for though. His soon to be ex wife has been stalking me and I have filed a protection order against her. That pissed her off even more than when she found out that he had been in a relationship with me no matter that I told her he denied that she existed or that he had ever been married. He left me xmas presents at my house, very expensive presents and she showed up at my house and wanted them back. She lost her damn mind on my porch and a neighbor called the cops and she got taken away in handcuffs. I am just trying to live my life and didn't ask for any of this or knowingly see a married man. Married people are ****ing nuts! Just want to say to those that are in an affair, be careful because some people cannot handle being betrayed at all and lose their ****ing minds! To those that are married to a cheater, just ****ing let him/her go when you find out, don't make a total ass of yourself in front of your whole community, it makes you look pathetic and like a lunatic, not like a mama bear protecting her children. 1
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Wowsers. So much for the wife knowing and not caring. Ummm, and I'd kinda ditch that 'friend' too... She lied to you too and tried to sell you up the river to deal with a furious BS. Your xMM sounds like a real prize. 3
Author AmyBamy Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 (edited) Wowsers. So much for the wife knowing and not caring. Ummm, and I'd kinda ditch that 'friend' too... She lied to you too and tried to sell you up the river to deal with a furious BS. Your xMM sounds like a real prize. Apparently, she wasn't mad that he had dated me, she was mad that he dated me, then divorced her and told her that he doesn't want to be with her anymore. I seriously believe that it made her lose her mind. She has been acting like something out of a bad reality show. I think that they are both crazy for the recrd. I hear that she was sure that he was spending the holidays with me (he wasn't, I haven't responded to him or his attempts to contact me at all!) and was literally stalking me and my house. Something about him filing for 100% owner ship of their businesses with no payoff. I guess that coupled with the expensive gifts (I didn't keep them by the way) to me just sent her over the edge. The day she showed up here, I did have the gifts here in the house. He didn't wrap them so I knew what they were. I wasn't about to give them to her since he bought them and they are separated. But I did have a mutual friend return them to him because I was not going to keep them. It has just been a mess. I have no idea why she is taking this out on me. I did nothing to her at least not knowingly. He lied to me too. I understand that she is hurt but jesus, his stupidity isn't my fault! And I didn't make her marry him 20 years ago! I just want it to be over and for both of them and their craziness to be really far away from me and my life. Edited December 29, 2013 by AmyBamy Typo 1
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