Dinozzo925 Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Ok, So the short and skinny of my situation is that my fiancé cheated on me four months ago with my friend and I found out two months ago. After I found out I was single for only about two weeks and then I started dating this fantastic international student from my college. She's pretty, cooks and cleans, classy and really smart. At first everything was fine but recently things have slowed down for me. I just don't feel the same excitement or enthusiasm towards the relationship or her as I did when I had to pursue her. I'm sure alot of it is just me wanting to experience being single again. I went out this weekend to a frat party and then some bars (I just turned 21). Something about not having the responsibility of worrying about someone else is nice. I also find that I'm pretty capable but I never get to really push myself because I always "get" the girl I want really quickly and fully, so then I settle into a relationship. I like meeting new people who don't know about my past and having new experiences, and I also don't like how our identities are starting to mix between our friends. That's also not mentioning any baggage from my previous relationship (of which there is plenty). So I'm leaning towards ending the relationship soon and letting myself really spend some time off the leash. I just don't know how to break it to her. She's so nice and perfect, I respect and admire her so much. When I hang out with her she makes me feel good, and I really cherish what I've learned from her. When I say "its not you its me" I really mean it. But she has really fallen for me and I've been keeping these types of feelings from her so she doesn't get hurt. I just don't know how to explain this. I'd like to stay friends with her after the break up (down the line) and I'd even probably be open to trying for another relationship after I get my ex/my freedom out of my system... "God give me chastity...but not quiet yet" Thanks for any advice -D
d0nnivain Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 You have been through a lot. This new woman sounds like a rebound for you. You wanted someone -- anyone -- to fill the void left by the loss of your fiancé. You are ready to stand on your own without the crutch. If you don't like this new girl enough to stop feeling shackled, cut her loose. Finding the right words to break up with somebody is hard. I usually recommend vague rather than trying to soothe the hurt you cause to the other person with words. think: It's cruel to be kind. Here I may offer a bit more insight. If she doesn't know about the betrayal by your former FI you don't have to go into details but when you sit her down to break it off, help her to understand that while she's a nice girl, you kind of rebounded into her but now you realize that isn't the best thing for either of you.
Author Dinozzo925 Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 You have been through a lot. This new woman sounds like a rebound for you. You wanted someone -- anyone -- to fill the void left by the loss of your fiancé. You are ready to stand on your own without the crutch. If you don't like this new girl enough to stop feeling shackled, cut her loose. Finding the right words to break up with somebody is hard. I usually recommend vague rather than trying to soothe the hurt you cause to the other person with words. think: It's cruel to be kind. Here I may offer a bit more insight. If she doesn't know about the betrayal by your former FI you don't have to go into details but when you sit her down to break it off, help her to understand that while she's a nice girl, you kind of rebounded into her but now you realize that isn't the best thing for either of you. Yeah... Well for one I did chase her as a sort of "test" to gain my confidence back. I thought she was the most attractive girl in her grade..so when I got her I was a bit surprised and didn't know what to do. She knows all about my relationship with my FI. I told her the first time she met me so that we wouldn't be seeing each other under false notions. I would go as far as to say that she was the one who single-handedly got me off the floor. That's what sucks, in all ways she would make, and is, the perfect companion. I just don't feel that sense of attachment. I really love her, but I don't have that boost that propels it past friendship...romance...lust...whatever. But I owe her alot. I just don't know how give her a reason for ending it. "Sorry, you're perfect, I just don't want to have any responsibility towards you and want to continue drinking irresponsibly and seeing people casually...even though you've spent the past two months taking care of me". Urgh, I'm a ****ty person.
AllTooWell Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 I don't think you're a ****ty person at all. You got cheated on. You're 21. You need to go out and be single and develop and experience independence and life. 1
aybc123 Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Ehhh, it's really hard to give advice here On one hand i've broken up with someone i felt similarly about, they adored me but i was never sure they were the right one i loved them but i felt a little trapped and wanted to be on my own. I ended up breakign up with them but i also ended up regretting it when i realised that the answer to my question 'is this fantastic?' was actually 'yes it was, but now you've dun goofed and cant get it back' On the other hand, there's no way you can be over getting cheated on by your fiance (assuming 2+ yr relationship here) yet so you probably do have some stuff to work through which i didn't so maybe this is a case of right girl wrong time. You're also pretty young and will have plenty of opportunity to hopefully meet other girls who you can see yourself spending your future with so a year or two out to test the waters probably wont do you any harm. Cant really advise either way but make sure whatever decision you make that you really own it and make it for the right reasons. If you do that then at least you'll know you thought you made the right call at the time.
Author Dinozzo925 Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 Ehhh, it's really hard to give advice here On one hand i've broken up with someone i felt similarly about, they adored me but i was never sure they were the right one i loved them but i felt a little trapped and wanted to be on my own. I ended up breakign up with them but i also ended up regretting it when i realised that the answer to my question 'is this fantastic?' was actually 'yes it was, but now you've dun goofed and cant get it back' On the other hand, there's no way you can be over getting cheated on by your fiance (assuming 2+ yr relationship here) yet so you probably do have some stuff to work through which i didn't so maybe this is a case of right girl wrong time. You're also pretty young and will have plenty of opportunity to hopefully meet other girls who you can see yourself spending your future with so a year or two out to test the waters probably wont do you any harm. Cant really advise either way but make sure whatever decision you make that you really own it and make it for the right reasons. If you do that then at least you'll know you thought you made the right call at the time. Yeah I know what you mean, I didn't own the decision I made when I jumped into this relationship...so I need to make sure I own the one I make leaving it. I'm not in a rush, and we went out today to a movie with friends and I felt great. I'm sure if I wasn't in the environment I'm in (in a college very close to my ex, in a small college in general) this would work out fine.
headinthecloud Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 This is part of the journey, discovering how heartbreak impacts your life and your emotional wellbeing. You're young and you're human - you're allowed to make mistakes - so remember this experience and learn from it. After a BU there is a period of grief and loss that you go through (which you now understand) and sometime it can takes many months or even years to overcome. When you hookup with new people during this time they are called rebounds for that reason - because you will do anything not to feel the horrible emotional pain you're feeling. And rebounds do exactly that, they mask the pain. One problem, you've now hooked someone on you who didn't take your emotional health into consideration. One thing going forward is when you want to date someone seriously, ask them about their last relationship (not on first date, obviously). Gauge where they are at. Your current girlfriend didn't do that (understandable, she's probably never had a real relationship). If you find yourself liking someone who's recently BU (w/in 3mos) then don't get serious with them as they're likely not capable (unless they were the dumper - sometimes dumpers have moved on long before the actual BU). Let your GF go. Be honest with her - you're not over your ex and you need time on your own to heal. It's not going to be easy for either of you, you will have broken her heart and you will deal with the guilt - but it's for the best. Don't try to "ease the blow" by staying in touch. You both have to go full NC from day 1. Be the person you wished your ex had been and BU before you cheat. Good luck. Let us know what you decide.
Author Dinozzo925 Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 So far we've been busy so I haven't brought it up. I've really enjoyed her company the past two days. I haven't felt the same need to "run", so that's nice. But I know it will come back, especially if I drink again.
Zahara Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 You should end it with her because biding by your time and your moods is not fair to her at all. The sooner you let her go, the sooner she can heal from this and move on to someone that wants to be emotionally invested in her. Your attention for her waffled when you were confused about your ex. It is again waffling because you now want your freedom. Let her go.
Recommended Posts