Dumped85 Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 What are some peoples strategies with getting rid of the what if type thoughts?
loveofhorses1970 Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Personally, I repeat a prayer or a bible verse over and over in my head. I found I have to purposely change my thoughts when thoughts of him pop into my head. 2
Waz Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 You don't actually. It's human nature. Either you block them when they pop up and keep your mind busy with other thoughts more productive, or you keep saying "what if..." until you are fed up and really sick of this and finally realize that anything you are thinking it hasn't to do with the reality, but they are only possible scenarios under very specific circumstances (that's why it's unlikeable to happen). 3
Author Dumped85 Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 They are just so poinless as you all know, they are just a big contradiction to the reality of it all. She left and had her reasons.
Riou Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 By telling yourself you are the only one thinking about what if,he/she did not think of it,they just took the easy way out and not fix it. 5
JoelBarish Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Thoughts can be difficult to control. Sometimes it helps me to journal my thoughts and let them all out until they are exhausted. Other times I distract myself by focusing on something else such as reading. What I do know for certain is that over thinking is a habit and has to be treated as such. 3
ponchsox Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 I try to focus on the opportunities I have in my life, not what happened in the past. 4
ayudorama Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Whenever the what-ifs thoughts come, I remind myself that none of it matters. Quite literally, none of it. The good times, the memories, the laughs, the promises - none of it mattered. If any of it mattered to him, the way it mattered to me, then we'd still be together. Therefore there are no what-ifs. 2
Author Dumped85 Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 Thankyou all, its good to hear peoples ideas on this. I hate that I keep thinking whatifs. I had a thought if her and I were less stressed out as individuals. As a couple we would still be together. I guess for me thats a personal growth situation that I can work on before I meet someone new.
rec88 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 As Joel said, thoughts can be very difficult to control. It all depends on your mindset and outlook on life. I talked about this a bit in another post. That 'what if' mentality is a recipe for an unsatisfied life, and those of us who've recently gotten out of relationships are in a particularly vulnerable place. You get caught up in what isn't and forget about what is. One thing to remember is the things that come to mind when you think 'what if' are always idealized. They are hypothetical visions of comfort and certainty. These thoughts are toxic to those who have just been thrust into a place of discomfort and uncertainty. They are no longer possible. The way to solve this is to figure out how to get into a healthier mindset. Here's what I did. Mentally/emotionally, I allowed myself to grieve. I identified the things I did and the things I neglected that got me to where I am. I surrounded myself with friends and family who I could trust to support me no matter what kind of day I was having. I sought external opinions. I removed people from my life that were dragging on my life (my ex, their family, long time friends who drank too much and showed no signs of improving, etc. This was very difficult). Physically I started exercising, focused on some neglected hobbies that inspire me, sporadic dating, but generally just going out and being friendly. People are interesting, and meeting new people makes you smile! This is not a quick process, but it's a sure way to heal and grow as a person. One more thing that comes to mind is a quote: "Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him – mentally and spiritually. He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp." Translation: your own happiness is entirely up to you. This was said by Victor Frankl about his time at Auschwitz... How's that for perspective? I've got a lot going through my head on this one and I'm just throwing together thoughts the best way I can right now so let me know if it is unclear. I hope I understood your question correctly and hope you find it helpful. 2
Author Dumped85 Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 (edited) As Joel said, thoughts can be very difficult to control. It all depends on your mindset and outlook on life. I talked about this a bit in another post. That 'what if' mentality is a recipe for an unsatisfied life, and those of us who've recently gotten out of relationships are in a particularly vulnerable place. You get caught up in what isn't and forget about what is. One thing to remember is the things that come to mind when you think 'what if' are always idealized. They are hypothetical visions of comfort and certainty. These thoughts are toxic to those who have just been thrust into a place of discomfort and uncertainty. They are no longer possible. The way to solve this is to figure out how to get into a healthier mindset. Here's what I did. Mentally/emotionally, I allowed myself to grieve. I identified the things I did and the things I neglected that got me to where I am. I surrounded myself with friends and family who I could trust to support me no matter what kind of day I was having. I sought external opinions. I removed people from my life that were dragging on my life (my ex, their family, long time friends who drank too much and showed no signs of improving, etc. This was very difficult). Physically I started exercising, focused on some neglected hobbies that inspire me, sporadic dating, but generally just going out and being friendly. People are interesting, and meeting new people makes you smile! This is not a quick process, but it's a sure way to heal and grow as a person. One more thing that comes to mind is a quote: "Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him – mentally and spiritually. He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp." Translation: your own happiness is entirely up to you. This was said by Victor Frankl about his time at Auschwitz... How's that for perspective? I've got a lot going through my head on this one and I'm just throwing together thoughts the best way I can right now so let me know if it is unclear. I hope I understood your question correctly and hope you find it helpful. Thats some very helpful advice, Thankyou. Its going onto 5 months since she left. And i have no feeling towards her anymore. Especially since i found out she moved on. But these stupid thoughts linger. Edited November 5, 2013 by Dumped85 1
rec88 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 (edited) But these stupid thoughts linger. Yeah I feel you. I still have my weak days where I fall into that downward spiral of stupid thoughts. Quick fixes for me are go for a run, pick up a book or some good music, or call up a friend or family and just ask how they're doing. Figure out what works for you to knock yourself out of that rut. Edited November 5, 2013 by rec88
lindsay1990 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I don't know if you're referring to though of what you could have done differently, things that made no sense, things that were unfair, etc. OR what if you're ex contacted you or you ex. If it's the first, something I did was literally type it up, no matter how scrambled up with came out, and mail it another email I created just for that purpose. I just sent the wacky thoughts over there, my resentment and all the things I thought my ex had done that were worse, or that were bad and never apologized for and specially, the unfairness. It wasn't so much as a "letter to my ex he'll never read" or a coherent journal entry. Many of them would just be a paragraph starting out like "And this OTHER time when... and then he had the nerve to say....". I can't tell you specifically why it helped me. It's more than likely because I believe I was horribly gaslighted throughtout the break up (TL;DR lived with ex, begging for over three weeks after break up day) so I think it was maybe me just remembering things that proved I was NOT crazy or that I was NOT as bad as he said I was, that I was NOT entirely to blame, and things like this. So I guess it just put my mind at ease to write them out and have some place where I could read them if I needed to, like, in a weird way maybe it let me progressively let my guard down because I was so on the defense when I left my ex's. I was a mess of being told I was abusive, bad, toxic, destructive, pathetic, etc and I guess a part of me knew the details would fade in time but I didn't want to forget them, you know? Like I wanted to live without them but not let it be as if it never happened, sort of like proof for my own self. I don't know if this makes sense but it just sounded really pathetic/victimized to me, ha. Another thing, and the most important I think, is just.... time. You can control whether to sit on the couch and ruminate over r/s or break up endlessly, or whether you do something else and still have the intrusive thoughts. I think that as long as you are not feeding the monster and just sitting around with the thoughts amock, you are doing the best you can do and let time do the rest. I find that doing something even bizzare, like taking all my parents shoes and polishing them (was at parents while was in between jobs, ha) DESPITE my parents having a maid so I must have seemed crazy, that required even mechanical attention helped a lot. Now that I am over 100 days post break up, I can see that soooo many things are triggers early on, man. Watching TV? Every channel or commercial has something that triggers. Music? The same. All fun and cool stuff on the internet? Too, because I still feel the impulse that "he would LOVE this! let's send!". The only cure for that sort of thing is time. It literally starts to die down on it's own, I can't say this enough and I know a lot people advocate throwing yourself into many other things and that's good and all but still, I think patience is the key value here. Like I said,as long you actively stop fanning the flames of thoughts at a certain point, your mind will start pushing out the intrusive ones soon enough. Now if you're talking about the WHAT IFs in the future, maybe specualting what she is thinking or if she will come back, I know this is a dificult thing to do but you aveto understand whatever is going on with her, is going to happen regardless of you and how you feel and what you think and what you do. And since you say the what ifs of what you could have done differently like both being less stressed, you have to realize that you realizing that will (right now) only help you to not let the stress affect YOUR PART of a future relationship. As for her having the epiphany that it was the stress and the poor-coping that did you guys in, well, she's going to have to reach that conclusion on her own.
Author Dumped85 Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 Yep, its what if id done things a bit different during the RS. Funny thing is, I resent and dispise her now. And never want to see her again,
lindsay1990 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Yep, its what if id done things a bit different during the RS. Funny thing is, I resent and dispise her now. And never want to see her again, Me too. (But maybe them too? Ha)
Author Dumped85 Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 No doubt she definitely resents me, was a pritty bad breakup. Killed any chance of getting reconciliation the day or two after the breakup. Was interesting because I told her something of my past after her sitting with me for a while and she got up and left straight away. Then a couple days after my family bad mouthed her. Kind of sucks because the time I did care they never did like her.That never helped, and the fact I was easily influenced by my older sister didn't help either. O well that's slife. Ill be keeping the next girl to myself for awhile. So family interference was a big problem unfortunately. During and after.
lindsay1990 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I'm sorry to hear that. I was om the receiving end of the family interference as well, and it was brutal. You sound like you don't think it was justified in some way? Does your ex know youe family badmouthed her? Fortunately Iblive another country than my ex but there is a chance I will be connected to that family in the future, you never know when in the same area...
Author Dumped85 Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 I really don't think that the interference was justified, it brought out insecurities then id put it onto her. She only knew post break up how they felt , it was on Facebook then through a text to her. I'm an idiot tho, I pushed away this girl. Live and learn. . . See this is my problem with what ifs, I keep doing it. Its like I enjoy it.
Arty54 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 We all make mistakes and the saying is true that you don't realise what you had until it's gone or too late, my parents did not accept my ex because my kids didn't like her, I eventually stood up for her and by her side but it was too late, a hard lesson to learn, I should have done that earlier, I think the pressure just got too much for her not being accepted.....everyone likes to be liked and she was a kind and thoughtful person but my parents just couldn't see or didn't want to even though they knew it was the happiest time of my life. One month post BU.
McMike Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 My situation is a little different. We broke up due to mainly distance and the fact that she's young and had her eyes on someone else. She said she didn't want to waste her youth and wanted to date around before committing to me. She said if we were closer to each other she wouldn't break up with me and she asked if we could get back together after 2 years, when she finishes uni. I told her no. She was very hesitant about the break up but she craves physical intimacy and can't stand the distance any longer. She says she loves me very much and she's scared she'll never find anyone like me again. I understand she's still young and the distance and all, I just don't know if I can ever get back together with her again, even though I really wish we could. I told her not to contact me and its 2nd day of NC. I miss her so much.
todreaminblue Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Thoughts can be difficult to control. Sometimes it helps me to journal my thoughts and let them all out until they are exhausted. Other times I distract myself by focusing on something else such as reading. What I do know for certain is that over thinking is a habit and has to be treated as such. on repeat....plus prayer to instil peace 1
Author Dumped85 Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 Thanks all for advice, what about the obessive fantasy thoughts of her?
Author Dumped85 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 The thoughts still linger, I'm over it. I'm so lonely. I wish I had handled the final week I had with her better
acidios Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 The thoughts never stops to come for me i can be fine one momment but the next boom... if im at work i focus harder on the stuff that i need to do if im at home i chat with a friend.if im not able to talk with a friend i walk for about 30 to 40 mins if the weather is bad or im not into the mood to walk i fire up my playstation. advice for men here.guys if you got a console buy grand theft auto 5 if you want to occupy your mind with something(this game is simple a masterpiece) i strongly advice to get out or talk to someone but there is times that you cant do that so video games is a way out just dont get addicted in virtual worlds
Mario79 Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 Have you found your answer dumped85? I find it so hard to control my thoughts, and they are so random at times. And they also can get very intense. I get anxiety and when it gets bad enough panic attacks. But thats cause there is other stuff going on. I have seen the advices, and have also seen some posts you made, you seemed to have felt things very intensely and I can relate to that.
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