Old Colleague with Alcohol and Domestic Abuse Issues

[Grumpybutfun]

I get a call from an old navy buddy of mine. We have served together at various times over the years and he has always been a real stand-up guy. He is younger than me (36, I think) so I was a mentor to him for years. He says he was thrown in jail for assault and battery against his wife of four years Friday night. He hit her in the face with his fist and she was concussed/ taken to hospital by neighbors. He asked me if I would write up a character statement for him. I refused as I said his character has obviously changed and the relevance to his behavior now would be minimal. I also don't condone domestic abuse of any kind and I do not want to be any part of him not getting the help he so obviously needs. I would have never believed this from his past conduct. He swears that alcohol was the cause, but I just don't buy you can be that drunk that you not know what you are doing. I have heard of blacking out, but I just don't think it is an excuse for domestic violence. I am completely against domestic violence against men or women. I told him to check into rehab and get some anger management therapy asap. He was very mad at me for refusing to write a character statement, but I feel my character would be compromised if I did knowing what he has done to his young wife. He seems to think I am overreacting, but I stand firm on this.

Just curious, what are LSers thoughts on something like this?

Grumps

[Art_Critic]

Bravo... I wish I knew you in real life...

 

I think what you did was the appropriate response.

[Tayla]

One can write a character letter that is truthfull. So tell him you'll truthfully write his trait be they negative or not....

 

Blackouts are real. Its scary for the person and a TRUE warning that they are unable to handle the drug of choice. This person needs help.

[Grumpybutfun]

Thank you for the responses. I did contact a former military mentor of mine to find out what my professional obligation was. He said that professionally I can pass on character references for former subordinates if it compromises my character, reputation, loyalty, legal obligations, or moral compass. He felt shocked that the man asked me since I am pretty much known as a harda$$.

 

With recent developments, questioning the blackout he claimed. My wife was his wife's Ombudsman during one of the last patrols so she called to see how his wife was, and his wife said she had two broken ribs, two black eyes, a broken wrist and bruising up and down the entire right side of her body. He blatantly lied about the severity and what he did to her. His wife also said that this wasn't a lone incident but a string to many which he claims the alcohol makes him do it. She said she has called police twice on him, but has taken him back with promises of reform because he blamed drinking. My wife is an advocate for abused wives for a very reputable non-profit and so she is trying to help her to get free of this guy.

 

Do we really know anyone?

Grumps

[lollipopspot]

two broken ribs, two black eyes, a broken wrist and bruising up and down the entire right side of her body. He blatantly lied about the severity and what he did to her. His wife also said that this wasn't a lone incident but a string to many which he claims the alcohol makes him do it.

 

Yikes, you did the right thing. You can't write a character statement for him and preserve your own.

[Grumpybutfun]

Yikes, you did the right thing. You can't write a character statement for him and preserve your own.

 

lolli:

This was exactly my sentiment. It really puts things in perspective when your wife tells you about the wife in the hospital afraid for her life. My wife is networked pretty good with domestic abuse advocates so the wife will be helped. She has already contacted a lawyer my wife found and is seeking divorce. They had no children, thank goodness.

Best,

Grumps

[Country_Girl]

Good For You!

 

You know, maybe he was a good guy in the past, but the current situation certainly isn't an indicator of that. I'd pass too, whether it was physical abuse or emotional abuse. If that guy needs references of character, he can go to his family. And for him to be mad is ridiculous- fueled by alcohol or not, his track record proves he doesn't live up to high expectation when under the influence. And it doesn't even have to be a matter of condoning the behavior- what if your testimony of him was the matter of say, her filing a restraining order- and it wasn't approved. Who's to say he won't have another alcohol infused raged and accidentally harm her again (permanent bodily injury or a life and death situation). How guilty would you feel, if something happened after the fact, and it was your statement that allowed her to be in the situation again. By the way, I'm not asking you those questions- but those are things you can bring up in your defense if he questions you about it.

 

Oh and I hope you don't feel guilty about it. You're not obligated, and if I was stupid enough to hurt someone I'd hope nobody would vouch for me so I could get the help I needed.

 

You did the right thing.

[Grumpybutfun]

Good For You!

 

You know, maybe he was a good guy in the past, but the current situation certainly isn't an indicator of that. I'd pass too, whether it was physical abuse or emotional abuse. If that guy needs references of character, he can go to his family. And for him to be mad is ridiculous- fueled by alcohol or not, his track record proves he doesn't live up to high expectation when under the influence. And it doesn't even have to be a matter of condoning the behavior- what if your testimony of him was the matter of say, her filing a restraining order- and it wasn't approved. Who's to say he won't have another alcohol infused raged and accidentally harm her again (permanent bodily injury or a life and death situation). How guilty would you feel, if something happened after the fact, and it was your statement that allowed her to be in the situation again. By the way, I'm not asking you those questions- but those are things you can bring up in your defense if he questions you about it.

 

Oh and I hope you don't feel guilty about it. You're not obligated, and if I was stupid enough to hurt someone I'd hope nobody would vouch for me so I could get the help I needed.

 

You did the right thing.

 

Country Girl:

I am pretty decisive and I don't feel guilty for things I know to be right. I agree with all you said, if I wrote a character reference based on the man I once worked with and it did anything to lessen the severity of his crime then I am an accomplice. He wrote me this e-mail this morning.

 

I know I don't have any right to ask you to write anything for me. I haven't been thinking clear and I should have known you of all the people I look up to would refuse. I am ashamed I let you down after all you have done for me and (his wife's name.) You warned me once in Australia not to drink so much and that you were concerned and I ignored you because I just thought you were too hard on me. I am sorry. I am sorry for (his wife) too because I love her and never meant to hurt her.

I was proud to serve with you. I won't forget you and all you did for me. I messed up.

His name

 

I wrote him back and told him he has to own it with his wife, take responsibility and get some professional help. I sent him several links to some rehabs in his area. I had forgotten about that episode in Australia, but now I recall it and he was a drunken sailor who passed out in an alley behind a bar and I had to go to some pretty drastic measures and call in a few favors to keep him from being thrown out of the military since he missed deployment. Maybe I should have let him go, maybe I helped the wrong guy. I made the right decision this time and that I am sure of.

 

Thanks for your words, needed to hear them today.

 

Grumps