How to accept it's over

[wannabdone]

I feel like it's not getting easier. Sometimes quite the opposite, because all this NC makes me realize that he's not coming back. I keep imagining seing his phone number on my mobile display, but what if it never ever happens? Many of my exes have returned, but it was only for sex, but some of them just went away and I never saw or heard from them again. I think my xMM could be like that.

 

And I also get so frustrated, when I hear about divorces. It seems like so many people get divorced, are in their second or third marriage etc., but just not "my" xMM

 

IMY- I think you seem to be a lot like me. I know everyone says to hold onto the anger and the bitterness, and I agree that is a way to get through this. A way that works well for a lot of ppl, however just as I always say that each relationship is different, each person involved in these relationships are different. What might work for some will not for others.

 

Just reading your posts: you mentioned you felt stupid, and then you were very concerned with another poster and the hurt they are going through. I will bet (and I am only making an assumption), that you have always been the kind of person that has taken care of others before yourself. Maybe even in your childhood did this, or had parents that raised you to be this way??? Like I said, I am only assuming that.... but I don't think I am too far off base with how and who you are. I am very much the same way.

 

So, holding onto anger didn't work, because the anger didn't stick around long enough. I blamed myself, felt stupid, loved him, and as much as I tried, it just wouldn't stick around long enough for me to process and heal this way. As a matter of fact, I didn't want to be bitter and I didn't want to be jaded from the experience or any experience in life. The thought of me becoming bitter because of this or anything turns my stomach. (and let me tell you, my xMM has really done some very awful stuff to me).

 

Never the less, no matter how much he did and how bad it was, here is what helped me. Not hating him and not hating myself. Seeing things for what they were. I loved this man more than anything, and it was just a crappy thing to not say good bye. It was something that I would never understand. I remember asking his sister "I had always told him for years, to not just go MIA, to just tell me what is going on, just to say good bye, and let me have closure. So I just don't understand why he couldn't just say good bye, its over to me", her reply was "was because he doesn't want to tell you good bye, he wants to hold onto a slim hope that someday he can be with you". I remember thinking well how incredibly dang selfish. Its not always about what HE wants, how about doing something that I needed/wanted. I was mad, for about an hour...then that went away too. lol.

 

Basically, I just had to accept this: I loved him, he did love me. He just couldn't leave/ couldn't pull the trigger. He didn't tell me good bye, because he didn't want to say it. He is obviously selfish, and cowardly. He just like me and everyone else on this earth are far from perfect, and he has flaws.... obviously some of his flaws are those. But I still love him, never the less. I have true unconditional love for him. Although we will never be together, I will love him until the day I die, I will miss him everyday. But our time together, was yes, very wonderful in multiple ways, but it also brought too much hurt, unrest, and worry into my life. And as much as I love him, knowing he would never be able to leave, I knew that if I stayed in that relationship, I would be accepting a life of no peace, hurt, unrest and worry. I knew/know that it had chipped away at my being, making me someone else, someone who acted in ways I didn't like, it was aging me faster than I wanted, and mentally and physically I simply could not handle it much longer, and definitely not for the rest of my life. That if I signed up to continue this "life" with him, I would miss out on somethings, such as having someone in my life daily, someone I could grow old with, someone to go on vacations, and possibly have a family with, in return I would have a couple of hours a week of blissful love, and the rest of the week heart ache. If I decided to not reach out to him, and continue the NC, I stood a chance of bringing peace into my life.... No longer filled with worry and unrest, but I would miss him. But I already missed him, so there would be no real change there.

 

See, the thing is... I was hanging onto something so desperately that I NEVER HAD. And quite frankly, you just can't lose anything you don't have. He had another life, he had a wife, he had children with her, and although he loved me, he just was never going to leave. And it was obvious she would never leave him (and yes, I had hoped she would grow tired of finding out about me, and do that). So, I did it.... I never reached out again. And when I have seen him drive by my house or his name comes up on my linked in as that he had viewed my profile, I didn't email him, or reach out to him, acting like I was mad that he (when I was really happy, and using it as a basically saying I'm open to talking to you again), I did nothing, I continue to do nothing.

 

Its been two years. And I will not lie to you, its been hard as hell. There were times I felt like I was literally going to die, that I could feel my heart breaking, that I cried so much my eyes were raw.... BUT, it does, in time get "better", or maybe I should say easier. You will think about him, it won't hurt as bad. I cry sometimes, because I miss him, because I don't understand why he did what he did.... but it isn't as emotionally deep as it once was. Still, two years later and I have not heard his voice, or seen his face, I dream of him in some way every night. I do and I will always love him. BUT I don't miss all the heart ache, and the unrest. My life is peaceful, and I am happy. I have found myself again, I am back to who I once was, but an even better version. So, I am at peace now and I actually sleep, and I don't have the constant worry.... I miss him yes, but I missed him even more when we were "together" , I love him still, I loved him then. I can even go as far to say, that I love him more than I did when I was with him, much more pure and unconditional.

 

It will take a while before you start feeling and seeing the difference, and yes there will be times it feels like it gets worse. There is always dark before the dawn girl. You just have to chose which life you are wanting.

 

You will never get answers, and I know that is hard. So all you can do is accept that you will not get the answers you want/need and quite frankly deserve.

 

You will never understand it, no matter how much you try and break things down, you just can't understand crazy. And the fact that you can't understand crazy, is a good thing, not a bad thing. Just accept that you can't understand it and never will.

 

-Accept that he is not perfect, he didn't handle you or things perfectly, he is human.

- Accept that he loves/loved you.

-Accept that he isn't going to leave.

- Accept that you have the option to continue this- - your life can be "with him", but with him means in an A, and with that brings unrest and worry, and that you will never really have him, you will have your hours here and there but that is what it is.

-Accept that you have the option to have peace - - your life be peaceful, if you chose, you still won't have him, but you can and deserve to have peace.

-Accept that its not about who he loves more.

-Accept that men compartmentalize and can carry out two worlds much easier than women.

-Accept that this has nothing to do with you and if you are worthy, it just is what it is, and all the other things above apply.

 

Acceptance above anything is the key here, and the way that you will be able to heal and move on. And please know, you can and will be okay. I promise. You don't have to hate and be angry, you can just learn to accept things for what they are. Because what you are doing now, worrying and trying to figure things out... is a one way ticket to a straight jacket. And at the end of the day, you won't have a dang thing figured out, and he still won't leave... you will just be nuts.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I understand everything your saying. Just hang in there.

[I'mNotYours]

IMY- I think you seem to be a lot like me. I know everyone says to hold onto the anger and the bitterness, and I agree that is a way to get through this. A way that works well for a lot of ppl, however just as I always say that each relationship is different, each person involved in these relationships are different. What might work for some will not for others.

 

Just reading your posts: you mentioned you felt stupid, and then you were very concerned with another poster and the hurt they are going through. I will bet (and I am only making an assumption), that you have always been the kind of person that has taken care of others before yourself. Maybe even in your childhood did this, or had parents that raised you to be this way??? Like I said, I am only assuming that.... but I don't think I am too far off base with how and who you are. I am very much the same way.

 

So, holding onto anger didn't work, because the anger didn't stick around long enough. I blamed myself, felt stupid, loved him, and as much as I tried, it just wouldn't stick around long enough for me to process and heal this way. As a matter of fact, I didn't want to be bitter and I didn't want to be jaded from the experience or any experience in life. The thought of me becoming bitter because of this or anything turns my stomach. (and let me tell you, my xMM has really done some very awful stuff to me).

 

Never the less, no matter how much he did and how bad it was, here is what helped me. Not hating him and not hating myself. Seeing things for what they were. I loved this man more than anything, and it was just a crappy thing to not say good bye. It was something that I would never understand. I remember asking his sister "I had always told him for years, to not just go MIA, to just tell me what is going on, just to say good bye, and let me have closure. So I just don't understand why he couldn't just say good bye, its over to me", her reply was "was because he doesn't want to tell you good bye, he wants to hold onto a slim hope that someday he can be with you". I remember thinking well how incredibly dang selfish. Its not always about what HE wants, how about doing something that I needed/wanted. I was mad, for about an hour...then that went away too. lol.

 

Basically, I just had to accept this: I loved him, he did love me. He just couldn't leave/ couldn't pull the trigger. He didn't tell me good bye, because he didn't want to say it. He is obviously selfish, and cowardly. He just like me and everyone else on this earth are far from perfect, and he has flaws.... obviously some of his flaws are those. But I still love him, never the less. I have true unconditional love for him. Although we will never be together, I will love him until the day I die, I will miss him everyday. But our time together, was yes, very wonderful in multiple ways, but it also brought too much hurt, unrest, and worry into my life. And as much as I love him, knowing he would never be able to leave, I knew that if I stayed in that relationship, I would be accepting a life of no peace, hurt, unrest and worry. I knew/know that it had chipped away at my being, making me someone else, someone who acted in ways I didn't like, it was aging me faster than I wanted, and mentally and physically I simply could not handle it much longer, and definitely not for the rest of my life. That if I signed up to continue this "life" with him, I would miss out on somethings, such as having someone in my life daily, someone I could grow old with, someone to go on vacations, and possibly have a family with, in return I would have a couple of hours a week of blissful love, and the rest of the week heart ache. If I decided to not reach out to him, and continue the NC, I stood a chance of bringing peace into my life.... No longer filled with worry and unrest, but I would miss him. But I already missed him, so there would be no real change there.

 

See, the thing is... I was hanging onto something so desperately that I NEVER HAD. And quite frankly, you just can't lose anything you don't have. He had another life, he had a wife, he had children with her, and although he loved me, he just was never going to leave. And it was obvious she would never leave him (and yes, I had hoped she would grow tired of finding out about me, and do that). So, I did it.... I never reached out again. And when I have seen him drive by my house or his name comes up on my linked in as that he had viewed my profile, I didn't email him, or reach out to him, acting like I was mad that he (when I was really happy, and using it as a basically saying I'm open to talking to you again), I did nothing, I continue to do nothing.

 

Its been two years. And I will not lie to you, its been hard as hell. There were times I felt like I was literally going to die, that I could feel my heart breaking, that I cried so much my eyes were raw.... BUT, it does, in time get "better", or maybe I should say easier. You will think about him, it won't hurt as bad. I cry sometimes, because I miss him, because I don't understand why he did what he did.... but it isn't as emotionally deep as it once was. Still, two years later and I have not heard his voice, or seen his face, I dream of him in some way every night. I do and I will always love him. BUT I don't miss all the heart ache, and the unrest. My life is peaceful, and I am happy. I have found myself again, I am back to who I once was, but an even better version. So, I am at peace now and I actually sleep, and I don't have the constant worry.... I miss him yes, but I missed him even more when we were "together" , I love him still, I loved him then. I can even go as far to say, that I love him more than I did when I was with him, much more pure and unconditional.

 

It will take a while before you start feeling and seeing the difference, and yes there will be times it feels like it gets worse. There is always dark before the dawn girl. You just have to chose which life you are wanting.

 

You will never get answers, and I know that is hard. So all you can do is accept that you will not get the answers you want/need and quite frankly deserve.

 

You will never understand it, no matter how much you try and break things down, you just can't understand crazy. And the fact that you can't understand crazy, is a good thing, not a bad thing. Just accept that you can't understand it and never will.

 

-Accept that he is not perfect, he didn't handle you or things perfectly, he is human.

- Accept that he loves/loved you.

-Accept that he isn't going to leave.

- Accept that you have the option to continue this- - your life can be "with him", but with him means in an A, and with that brings unrest and worry, and that you will never really have him, you will have your hours here and there but that is what it is.

-Accept that you have the option to have peace - - your life be peaceful, if you chose, you still won't have him, but you can and deserve to have peace.

-Accept that its not about who he loves more.

-Accept that men compartmentalize and can carry out two worlds much easier than women.

-Accept that this has nothing to do with you and if you are worthy, it just is what it is, and all the other things above apply.

 

Acceptance above anything is the key here, and the way that you will be able to heal and move on. And please know, you can and will be okay. I promise. You don't have to hate and be angry, you can just learn to accept things for what they are. Because what you are doing now, worrying and trying to figure things out... is a one way ticket to a straight jacket. And at the end of the day, you won't have a dang thing figured out, and he still won't leave... you will just be nuts.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I understand everything your saying. Just hang in there.

 

Thank you SO much for this post! I'm really grateful and you're spot on with a lot of things. Thank you

[I'mNotYours]

Oh, another feeling I'm struggling with...envy. I envy his wife. I never felt sorry for her. I just thought she was/is lucky, because he is hers and not mine. And I still think she's lucky even though her H cheated...because even though she was suspicious, she never knew the truth. She will still have his love.

 

And I also envy the women here, who did end the A and who have a xMM, who can't leave them alone. My xMM just left and I didn't end anything. If he didn't leave, we would probably still be seeing eachother, even though I felt miserable throughout the A. But I also feel miserable now..without him.

[zevahc]

I feel like it's not getting easier. Sometimes quite the opposite, because all this NC makes me realize that he's not coming back. I keep imagining seing his phone number on my mobile display, but what if it never ever happens? Many of my exes have returned, but it was only for sex, but some of them just went away and I never saw or heard from them again. I think my xMM could be like that.

 

And I also get so frustrated, when I hear about divorces. It seems like so many people get divorced, are in their second or third marriage etc., but just not "my" xMM

 

I've never been an advocate of divorce...in the sense that it's not like dating...sure there are reasons...but not just because you aren't willing to try and you're lazy.

 

But...this is the part I struggled with the most too...people get D all the time...for valid reasons some times...yet my xMW couldn't do it...or hasn't. Claims to be unhappy...says she did MC...but still nothing.....

 

I think in an A...the WS tends to hang on because the missing part gets fulfilled by the AP...ok...nothing new here...

[wannabdone]

A question, because honestly I truly do not understand the disconnect of thought behind this idea.

 

If your relationship STARTS with both of you NOT treating another person in a civilized humane way why would one be shocked that it then would not be afford to you as well?

 

For many affairs, the "such loving" relationship was usually one sided. Single AP seem to invest way more than their married counterparts.

 

Closure means many different things to many different people. For some...Hey f'off....is closure. Quick and to the point. For others..its months and months...of texts....emails...phone calls...showing up at work...oh just one more thing....do you have second....remember when you said...blah blah blah. Closure is overrated....and misunderstood. If someone is not responding, or telling you do not contact me...you have your answer.

 

I agree that it is started out (whether intentionally or not) as you are not treating people humane. But again, two wrongs don't make a right. And still doesn't discount the fact that however this was started that there aren't real feelings there. As a matter of fact, I think its safe to say that if a person doesn't bring closure to a relationship, and has decided to stay with his BS, the xAP isn't really closing anything, they are still leaving the door open for the maybe someday. And that isn't really the right way to truly move on for themselves, their BS nor the OW/OM.

But again, each relationship and experience is different, and different feelings and thoughts and the "right way" of handling a very difficult situation vary.

 

Yes, I am sure there are many A's that are one sided. We see it all the time, but there are some that are not that way, which I am assuming that is why you used the word "many". And yes, closure means different things to different people. And we can never assume or feel entitled to anything in life, except for death. But none the less, it still doesn't mean that for some they need closure in one way and someone else doesn't need it in a different way... and some of us, (including myself) feel that some deserve the closure they desire, and it should be given, again for not only the xAP, but also for the BS and the OM/OW.

 

Just boils down to each their own.

[wannabdone]

Thank you SO much for this post! I'm really grateful and you're spot on with a lot of things. Thank you

 

Your welcome. Sorry for the length.

[I'mNotYours]

Your welcome. Sorry for the length.

 

 

Any tips on how to deal with envying his wife?

[todreaminblue]

I'm new here and so glad that I found this nonjudgemental forum. That's something really rare!

 

Just in case of bad spelling/grammar..English isn't my native language, so please forgive me And I will try to get the terminology right.

 

 

You write perfectly.you write better than what i would or do .... ....curious as to why you think you don't

 

The only way to get over someone is to go no contact and move on being good to yourself and healing...i wish you well

[AlwaysGrowing]

I agree that it is started out (whether intentionally or not) as you are not treating people humane. But again, two wrongs don't make a right. And still doesn't discount the fact that however this was started that there aren't real feelings there. As a matter of fact, I think its safe to say that if a person doesn't bring closure to a relationship, and has decided to stay with his BS, the xAP isn't really closing anything, they are still leaving the door open for the maybe someday. And that isn't really the right way to truly move on for themselves, their BS nor the OW/OM.

But again, each relationship and experience is different, and different feelings and thoughts and the "right way" of handling a very difficult situation vary.

 

Yes, I am sure there are many A's that are one sided. We see it all the time, but there are some that are not that way, which I am assuming that is why you used the word "many". And yes, closure means different things to different people. And we can never assume or feel entitled to anything in life, except for death. But none the less, it still doesn't mean that for some they need closure in one way and someone else doesn't need it in a different way... and some of us, (including myself) feel that some deserve the closure they desire, and it should be given, again for not only the xAP, but also for the BS and the OM/OW.

 

Just boils down to each their own.

 

 

So how does the "deserved closure" of one, override the closure desired of another?

 

 

See, that is lost on me. Maybe, its a boundary thing. I understand that my "rights" end where another persons begins.

 

I view feelings differently than most. Are they real? Could be...could be not. What I do know..is they are most definitely not necessarily the truth and rarely static. So its easier to not act on emotions alone.

 

Too often people act...and then point to how they were feeling( their emotions). As a society we have discounted that as an excuse for acting poorly. It is not a legal defense..."I was mad, so I shot him"

 

Are we all free to have feelings..absolutely. However, your right to act on them ends where my rights begin.

[wannabdone]

So how does the "deserved closure" of one, override the closure desired of another?

 

 

See, that is lost on me. Maybe, its a boundary thing. I understand that my "rights" end where another persons begins.

 

I view feelings differently than most. Are they real? Could be...could be not. What I do know..is they are most definitely not necessarily the truth and rarely static. So its easier to not act on emotions alone.

 

Too often people act...and then point to how they were feeling( their emotions). As a society we have discounted that as an excuse for acting poorly. It is not a legal defense..."I was mad, so I shot him"

 

Are we all free to have feelings..absolutely. However, your right to act on them ends where my rights begin.

 

I'm sorry, I'm not sure I am following what you are asking? I just stated that for my situation, which is different than any other situation, that I felt like I deserved the closure. Meaning I woke up, and realized I deserved a lot more than I was being given. Deserved to be loved, cherished, respected, etc. I never said that my "deserved closure", as more important or override someone else's closure. So, I'm not understanding what you are thinking my statement was saying.

 

I completely agree that we too many times make excuses for our actions... such as your example "I was mad, so I shot him". I think too often we do things in life as justifiable, because someone else hurt us, or they "deserved" it. Again, I'm not sure why that was a response to my post, as I never said anything regarding that, unless you misinterpreted what I was saying.

 

I'm simply stating each situation is different, and each person needs or deserves or wants different things. And I feel we shouldn't discount what anyone needs or how they feel. That doesn't mean of course any of us will get the things we need for sure, but still doesn't take away from acknowledging that need.

[wannabdone]

 

Any tips on how to deal with envying his wife?

 

Hmmm, this is an interesting one. Probably one of the more difficult ones to come to peace with. And again, each situation is different. Depending on the interactions with the BS, length of time of the A, etc.

 

I will tell you with my experience, my xMM I think played his BS and I against each other. I think at times intentionally, and also unintentionally. I think just as I have said in other posts about compartmentalization and other issues that come along with A's, you are exercising these things more with these type of relationships, so they become stronger. So, when you start complaining about your W or H, you end up complaining about them more and more.... so at times this is very unintentional, but it some how plays the OW against the W. Then there are times that the AP will intentionally say something to either prove to the OW/OM how much they dislike their W or H (thus thinking it shows the OW/OM somehow that they love them), so this intentionally plays the OW/OM against the W/H.

 

Then combine that with the naturally engrained feelings of envy because of the A dynamic, the W/H has a life with their AP, has children with them, has their evenings, their weekends, their wedding ring, and their last name... all with the person that we love more than anything, its only natural to envy their position.

 

I am naturally a very confident person, I know I am smart, I know I am funny, I know I am on average better looking than most women, however I found myself, although I am a very confident person becoming envy of this women, who in all sense on any other "normal level" didn't compare in anyway to me. I think one thing is the longer you are out of the A, the more you start to find yourself again. You know as I said, A's strip you from your former self, turning you into a dependent idiot, that is like a dog begging for table scraps. Holding onto ONE text like an idiot, being okay with a hour here and there. Once your out of it, you start realizing these things, and you start finding yourself all over again. The more time that goes on that you are not allowing yourself to be in "2nd place", the more you find that your confidence comes back... and as I often say, I have become a better version of the old me. So with time, the envy grew less and less. The more I accepted the reality of the situation, that we would never be, that he was staying, that our love was real, the more that died off. Now I just see it for what it is. She is married to him, she has his children, and yes, he loves her... and that's it. It doesn't have any baring on my life anymore. It doesn't mean she is any "better" than me, doesn't mean that because she is married to him and will be that our love we had was any less than it was. It just means 17 years before we met, they did and they married. And in that 17 years they shared children, and he , for many reasons, can not leave. And to me, now, that just makes sense.

 

Not only with time will accepting the reality not only change you envy you once felt, you might honestly feel sad for her. How it must feel to have a man who she knows did what he did to her, and she is having to deal with that (and we all know it will never leave), is a sad thing. Sure they will have their good times, and they will have their bad times, that is life.. but never can any marriage go back to what it was before, the innocence is lost.

 

I am in no way be snobby or condescending towards her or any BS's. Its honestly a sense of feeling bad that any person would have to have a M or any relationship like that.

 

So, I would just say the best thing for you is acceptance of the reality. Because on this, you are not able to see the forest, because of the trees. If you can clearly start to see things for what they are, and not the perception you have allowed yourself to see as reality, you will notice a change in this area, and many others.

 

Remember: Acceptance is Peace!!!

[nicepuzzle]

I did both...

 

When he first finished with me I went NO for 6 years and forgave him. Left all behind started a new life and maintain ed a cordial relationship. I did all.

 

As someone said, the never close it so the can come back and he did after almost 6 years. Got confused again and told me he was guilty and it was wrong and went NO again. But this time I taught him a very good lession. Called him names and told his wife and shut him off for life. I felt very guilty in the beginning but it's much better after 6 months NC. It's not MM right to be a** and selfish just because we love them.

 

Do what makes you feel good and helps u to move on. Love doesn't eat getting abused by someone who once said he loves you too.

[nicepuzzle]

Hmmm, this is an interesting one. Probably one of the more difficult ones to come to peace with. And again, each situation is different. Depending on the interactions with the BS, length of time of the A, etc.

 

I will tell you with my experience, my xMM I think played his BS and I against each other. I think at times intentionally, and also unintentionally. I think just as I have said in other posts about compartmentalization and other issues that come along with A's, you are exercising these things more with these type of relationships, so they become stronger. So, when you start complaining about your W or H, you end up complaining about them more and more.... so at times this is very unintentional, but it some how plays the OW against the W. Then there are times that the AP will intentionally say something to either prove to the OW/OM how much they dislike their W or H (thus thinking it shows the OW/OM somehow that they love them), so this intentionally plays the OW/OM against the W/H.

 

Then combine that with the naturally engrained feelings of envy because of the A dynamic, the W/H has a life with their AP, has children with them, has their evenings, their weekends, their wedding ring, and their last name... all with the person that we love more than anything, its only natural to envy their position.

 

I am naturally a very confident person, I know I am smart, I know I am funny, I know I am on average better looking than most women, however I found myself, although I am a very confident person becoming envy of this women, who in all sense on any other "normal level" didn't compare in anyway to me. I think one thing is the longer you are out of the A, the more you start to find yourself again. You know as I said, A's strip you from your former self, turning you into a dependent idiot, that is like a dog begging for table scraps. Holding onto ONE text like an idiot, being okay with a hour here and there. Once your out of it, you start realizing these things, and you start finding yourself all over again. The more time that goes on that you are not allowing yourself to be in "2nd place", the more you find that your confidence comes back... and as I often say, I have become a better version of the old me. So with time, the envy grew less and less. The more I accepted the reality of the situation, that we would never be, that he was staying, that our love was real, the more that died off. Now I just see it for what it is. She is married to him, she has his children, and yes, he loves her... and that's it. It doesn't have any baring on my life anymore. It doesn't mean she is any "better" than me, doesn't mean that because she is married to him and will be that our love we had was any less than it was. It just means 17 years before we met, they did and they married. And in that 17 years they shared children, and he , for many reasons, can not leave. And to me, now, that just makes sense.

 

Not only with time will accepting the reality not only change you envy you once felt, you might honestly feel sad for her. How it must feel to have a man who she knows did what he did to her, and she is having to deal with that (and we all know it will never leave), is a sad thing. Sure they will have their good times, and they will have their bad times, that is life.. but never can any marriage go back to what it was before, the innocence is lost.

 

I am in no way be snobby or condescending towards her or any BS's. Its honestly a sense of feeling bad that any person would have to have a M or any relationship like that.

 

So, I would just say the best thing for you is acceptance of the reality. Because on this, you are not able to see the forest, because of the trees. If you can clearly start to see things for what they are, and not the perception you have allowed yourself to see as reality, you will notice a change in this area, and many others.

 

Remember: Acceptance is Peace!!!

 

so true. I do feel pity on wife now and would never want to be in her shoes. I dodged a bullet. And what's the guarantee that he wouldn't do that to me after few years of marriage. Integrity and honesty comes built in. It's there or its not there.

[beach]

I hear you. But that's just so disrespectful of them

 

And he wasn't disrespectful while sleeping with you - while being married?

 

Come on, you deserve better than a man that would do that!

[I'mNotYours]

Not only with time will accepting the reality not only change you envy you once felt, you might honestly feel sad for her. How it must feel to have a man who she knows did what he did to her, and she is having to deal with that (and we all know it will never leave), is a sad thing. Sure they will have their good times, and they will have their bad times, that is life.. but never can any marriage go back to what it was before, the innocence is lost.

 

Thanks again for your reply. It means a lot to me

 

But..what if the wife hasn't found out? In my case she doesn't know about the affair. She had a suspicion, but she never KNEW. And as long as she doesn't know, the marriage just continues as always and nothing is broken. It might even be better now, because the MM makes an effort to make it work and is kinder, because he feels guilty. That's why I envy her.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I'm sorry, I'm not sure I am following what you are asking? I just stated that for my situation, which is different than any other situation, that I felt like I deserved the closure. Meaning I woke up, and realized I deserved a lot more than I was being given. Deserved to be loved, cherished, respected, etc. I never said that my "deserved closure", as more important or override someone else's closure. So, I'm not understanding what you are thinking my statement was saying.

 

I completely agree that we too many times make excuses for our actions... such as your example "I was mad, so I shot him". I think too often we do things in life as justifiable, because someone else hurt us, or they "deserved" it. Again, I'm not sure why that was a response to my post, as I never said anything regarding that, unless you misinterpreted what I was saying.

 

I'm simply stating each situation is different, and each person needs or deserves or wants different things. And I feel we shouldn't discount what anyone needs or how they feel. That doesn't mean of course any of us will get the things we need for sure, but still doesn't take away from acknowledging that need.

 

 

I guess I misunderstood your previous posts. I understood, that you felt AP's deserved closure..meaning AP's deserved to vent/speak/discuss whatever they wanted to with WS.

 

Again, the last paragraph, you again state needs or deserves or wants. Need and want are very different than deserve. Deserves denotes an entitlement or right.

 

Also,the deserved closure in the bolded really doesnt look like closure to me. More like an epiphany to what was lacking in the relationship for you.

 

Anywho....I thank you for taking the time to respond.

[I'mNotYours]

If she had no confirmation of her suspicions, I would almost certainly say that now she definitely knows.

 

I'm not sure. His behaviour has probably changed to the better or to what is was before the A. And he just told her that he was stressed out, when she confronted him with her suspicion. Now he can say that the stress is over and everything is back to normal.

[I'mNotYours]

I'm having a hard time with all this at the moment One minute I'm thinking that of course he will return at some point, because we belong together. That the A wasn't just a cliché. And the next I'm thinking "who am I fooling"..he won't come back. He just wanted some fun in his life and maybe he liked me, but now he's probably realized what a mistake he made by having the A.

 

I wish I had never met him