How to accept it's over

November 3, 2013

I'm new here and so glad that I found this nonjudgemental forum. That's something really rare!

Just in case of bad spelling/grammar..English isn't my native language, so please forgive me And I will try to get the terminology right.

Right now there's been 2 months of NC. I met the MM about 6 months ago and we saw eachother for 4 months. He's been with the BS for 8 years. He told me he fell in love with me and I'm everything he has ever wished for..and I felt the same way about him. I'm single and in my early 30s and I really say him as the man of my dreams. He never talked badly about his wife nor his marriage, but in his own words; he just fell in love with me.

He also told me several times that he needs time to think and that we should go NC, but we always broke the NC. The BS never found out, but she became suspicious after a few weeks, which created a lot of pressure.

Then 2 months ago he made it clear that he has to think about it all and figure out what to do. And I accepted. Neither of us has contacted the other. I have no idea what's going on in his life, but I guess the silence means that he just continued to live his life as it was before the A.

I have missed him so much and I still am. Some days are worse than others. I haven't been angry, but sometimes I do think that he only used me for sex and to get some excitement into his life. I believe he had some feelings for me. I HAVE to think that way, because thinking that he only used me really kills me inside. I still love him and I'm having a hard time moving on. And I really don't know if I want to move on, because I still have some hope, even though the hope fades for every day.

My question is..when should you give on hope and decide to move on? And how do I accept that I probably will never see him or hear from him again?

November 3, 2013

Honestly??? OW of 5 years just going no contact. The pain is excruciating. After seeing him every day for years, calls and texts constantly, I am going through hell and I am in the mind that I never want any man ever again. Run for the hills. I have cried so much, i will never recover from this. that answer your question?

Uhm yes. And in that way I'm so glad that my A only lasted for 4 months. I can't imagine how it would feel if it had lasted longer. But I do understand how it feels to never want any other man again. I feel the same way. I compare every man to him and he always wins.

I'm sorry to hear you're hurting so much

November 3, 2013

I am so, so sorry. I understand your pain so well. The accepting was the most difficult part for me.

All I can say is that the outcome was predetermined. I am generalizing, but men have the unique ability to see love and marriage as separate entities. (Women sometimes do too, but it is just too dang common with men.) He probably really did love you, but he does not see what that has to do with his marriage. He sees his marriage as a lifestyle and a responsibility, whether he loves his wife or not. That's just men. His ending things with you was predetermined by his fundamental belief that it is his duty to take care of the woman he married, no matter how much he loved you.

You are wrong about the nonjudgmental nature of this forum. There are many BSs that read here and then post truly hateful things, mostly due to their own pain. Ignore what they may say and focus on constructive comments. Then do your own research on men and how they handle divorce, and you will see that even if they want out, the sense of shame and failure and emasculation is overwhelming. Maybe then you will realize what many OW already know: his staying married has nothing to do with not loving you and everything to do with his identity as a man. But he is staying married for that reason, so move on.

Good luck. Research what I'm saying for yourself. It is not you.

November 3, 2013

Let yourself grieve the loss, cry it out and just know that as time goes on you'll heal and feel like "you" again. And yes be glad it's only been a 4 month affair, imagine that pain if it was longer than a year or more.

Surround yourself with good friends and family. Keep busy and distract yourself, try new hobbies, and be around people who make you laugh! It can help a lot.

Your MM chose his wife and marriage. it isn't anything you did wrong, it's just a lot for him to give up for the unknown..If he has children too, that would be really hard to start over and have a new life with you.

November 3, 2013

I am so, so sorry. I understand your pain so well. The accepting was the most difficult part for me.

All I can say is that the outcome was predetermined. I am generalizing, but men have the unique ability to see love and marriage as separate entities. (Women sometimes do too, but it is just too dang common with men.) He probably really did love you, but he does not see what that has to do with his marriage. He sees his marriage as a lifestyle and a responsibility, whether he loves his wife or not. That's just men. His ending things with you was predetermined by his fundamental belief that it is his duty to take care of the woman he married, no matter how much he loved you.

You are wrong about the nonjudgmental nature of this forum. There are many BSs that read here and then post truly hateful things, mostly due to their own pain. Ignore what they may say and focus on constructive comments. Then do your own research on men and how they handle divorce, and you will see that even if they want out, the sense of shame and failure and emasculation is overwhelming. Maybe then you will realize what many OW already know: his staying married has nothing to do with not loving you and everything to do with his identity as a man. But he is staying married for that reason, so move on.

Good luck. Research what I'm saying for yourself. It is not you.

I guess you're right about that. I don't know if he's unhappy in his marriage, but something (passion?) has obviously been missing.

At the same time I can't help thinking that he just didn't love/like me enough. Because sometimes men do fall in love and leave their wifes. Afterall it's something people in relationships always fear..that their partner finds someone else and leave them. So I guess stories like "he left me for another woman" is something that gives hope, but also makes you (at least me) feel that if he had really loved me, he wouldn't care about his identity, house, money or even his wife's feelings. He would have left. In my situation they don't even have kids. And the thought of him just not wanting me enough...THAT hurts.

Edited November 3, 2013 by I'mNotYours

November 3, 2013

I guess you're right about that. I don't know if he's unhappy in his marriage, but something (passion?) has obviously been missing.

At the same time I can't help thinking that he just didn't love/like me enough. Because sometimes men do fall in love and leave their wifes. Afterall it's something people in relationships always fear..that their partner finds someone else and leave them. So I guess stories like "he left me for another woman" is something that gives hope, but also makes you (at least me) feel that if he had really loved me, he wouldn't care about his identity, house, money or even his wife's feelings. He would have left. In my situation they don't even have kids. And the thought of him just not wanting me enough...THAT hurts.

Thinking that make you feel worse. But with that said, the reality is, you knew he was married going in, you had hopes or expectations that he was going to give up everything and start over with you - Did he give you hope or did you give yourself hope? Big difference..

Look, the guy loves himself MOST.

November 3, 2013

I am so, so sorry. I understand your pain so well. The accepting was the most difficult part for me.

All I can say is that the outcome was predetermined. I am generalizing, but men have the unique ability to see love and marriage as separate entities. (Women sometimes do too, but it is just too dang common with men.) He probably really did love you, but he does not see what that has to do with his marriage. He sees his marriage as a lifestyle and a responsibility, whether he loves his wife or not. That's just men. His ending things with you was predetermined by his fundamental belief that it is his duty to take care of the woman he married, no matter how much he loved you.

You are wrong about the nonjudgmental nature of this forum. There are many BSs that read here and then post truly hateful things, mostly due to their own pain. Ignore what they may say and focus on constructive comments. Then do your own research on men and how they handle divorce, and you will see that even if they want out, the sense of shame and failure and emasculation is overwhelming. Maybe then you will realize what many OW already know: his staying married has nothing to do with not loving you and everything to do with his identity as a man. But he is staying married for that reason, so move on.

Good luck. Research what I'm saying for yourself. It is not you.

Every single word that was said ^^^^ is 100% SPOT ON.

Men see their M's wrapped into their ego, their responsibility, thus making their love for someone else not even a valid option or point.

And yes, MANY hateful people on here. So be warned.

I just wanted to say to the original post, you talk about 'moving on", and as you still have hope, etc and don't know if you can. Moving on, doesn't mean going on a date with someone else. It just means fulfilling your life with things that make you happy and a better person. When you love someone, it will take time to be able to date again, that is natural. But loving someone and losing them doesn't mean you can't move on. I suggest as above to research, look into you, better yourself.

And ((((hugs)))), I am so so sorry for your pain. I know how awful it is!!! Keep posting. Some of us are kind.

November 3, 2013

Thinking that make you feel worse. But with that said, the reality is, you knew he was married going in, you had hopes or expectations that he was going to give up everything and start over with you - Did he give you hope or did you give yourself hope? Big difference..

Look, the guy loves himself MOST.

He never promised me anything, but he did say that he's very confused and torn and doesn't know what to chose. And when I said "I don't think we'll ever end up together", he was like "Why not? I just have to figure things out".

And then there's the thing that he never really ended it. He just "needed time to think", but he never said with words that he chose his marriage. With his actions (the NC for 2 months and going on)..yes..but not with words.

November 3, 2013

I think you just have to stop thinking about the "what ifs". And I don't thats hard to do

He hasn't said anything to you in 2 months. His not saying anything actually says everything. He's staying where he is. It doesn't matter if it's for money, status, love or family. He's staying because HE WANTS to (that was the toughest thing for me to accept)

It's a hard thing to deal with. Hard to accept. But once you decide to accept he's with his BW, and it was his choice to stay there and not be with you, you can move on. And you can find strength in yourself you didn't know you had.

November 3, 2013

He never promised me anything, but he did say that he's very confused and torn and doesn't know what to chose. And when I said "I don't think we'll ever end up together", he was like "Why not? I just have to figure things out".

And then there's the thing that he never really ended it. He just "needed time to think", but he never said with words that he chose his marriage. With his actions (the NC for 2 months and going on)..yes..but not with words.

INY: one thing you will see that is a common trait, is most MM will not end it. They just disappear, leaving the window open so they can come back. You will rarely see a man who will say its over, and close the chapter correctly, on his own. Most times they end it only because their BS is on the phone with them, demanding they say it.

November 3, 2013

No, men never fall in love and leave their wife. I thought that at one time, too. Men have to be very unhappy, decide it's the marriage, spend a long time weighing the pros and cons, suffer, stumble into someone else, realize this person feels much better and makes them happy, be happy they now have a soft place to land, and then leave the M. To outsiders it looks like they up and left for love, but you always find it was much more. Or, men have to be narcissistic pigs that didn't love their wives, don't love you, and are incapable of loving anyone. Those men up and leave . . . everyone. All other men stay right where they are. And if they try to leave, fathers, mothers, sisters, nephews, pastors, firemen, bakers, and preschoolers will come out of the woodwork to guilt the guy right back home. (I'm clearly exaggerating, and I'm not even positive it's wrong that they go back home--it's probably best--byt I want you to understand the societal pressure that frequently occurs. Heck, my brother experienced it, and he didn't even want the D! A total mind f@ck! Men feel horrible failures.)

This is all true. This is what you simply must accept. And from what you say, your MM still loves his W, so there is no way he could do this to her and withstand the guilt. No way. (Google 'men divorce guilt' and see how they suffer no matter the cause of their D.)

Focus on you. There are better men out there.

November 3, 2013

INY: one thing you will see that is a common trait, is most MM will not end it. They just disappear, leaving the window open so they can come back. You will rarely see a man who will say its over, and close the chapter correctly, on his own. Most times they end it only because their BS is on the phone with them, demanding they say it.

I hear you. But that's just so disrespectful of them

November 3, 2013

I hear you. But that's just so disrespectful of them

Oh totally!! Of course there will be people who say that the OM/OW don't deserve the closure, which I completely disagree, just because someone is in the wrong, doesn't mean that they don't deserve to be treated as a civilized human being.

It is the worst of the worst to have done to you. It literally makes you feel like your going crazy. The reason is, them not giving closure to such a loving relationship is crazy, and crazy only creates more crazy. Just try to stay strong, and know that the hurt will come in waves, but you just focus on you!!!

((hugs))

November 3, 2013

No, men never fall in love and leave their wife. I thought that at one time, too. Men have to be very unhappy, decide it's the marriage, spend a long time weighing the pros and cons, suffer, stumble into someone else, realize this person feels much better and makes them happy, be happy they now have a soft place to land, and then leave the M. To outsiders it looks like they up and left for love, but you always find it was much more. Or, men have to be narcissistic pigs that didn't love their wives, don't love you, and are incapable of loving anyone. Those men up and leave . . . everyone. All other men stay right where they are. And if they try to leave, fathers, mothers, sisters, nephews, pastors, firemen, bakers, and preschoolers will come out of the woodwork to guilt the guy right back home. (I'm clearly exaggerating, and I'm not even positive it's wrong that they go back home--it's probably best--byt I want you to understand the societal pressure that frequently occurs. Heck, my brother experienced it, and he didn't even want the D! A total mind f@ck! Men feel horrible failures.)

This is all true. This is what you simply must accept. And from what you say, your MM still loves his W, so there is no way he could do this to her and withstand the guilt. No way. (Google 'men divorce guilt' and see how they suffer no matter the cause of their D.)

Focus on you. There are better men out there.

Oh, I know he loves her (but he probably doesn't respect her and he's not loyal to her) and that according to him the marriage was/is fine. But if you love your husband or wife and you think your marriage is fine..why do you take the risk? She almost found out. He could have lost everything. That's something that's difficult for me to understand.

November 3, 2013

All other men stay right where they are. And if they try to leave, fathers, mothers, sisters, nephews, pastors, firemen, bakers, and preschoolers will come out of the woodwork to guilt the guy right back home. (I'm clearly exaggerating, and I'm not even positive it's wrong that they go back home--it's probably best--byt I want you to understand the societal pressure that frequently occurs. Heck, my brother experienced it, and he didn't even want the D! A total mind f@ck! Men feel horrible failures.)

.

LOL... Well, you are too terribly off base with that. I think everyone you mention besides the baker was pulled out.... he had a preschooler child, so the kid was used too.

November 3, 2013

Oh totally!! Of course there will be people who say that the OM/OW don't deserve the closure, which I completely disagree, just because someone is in the wrong, doesn't mean that they don't deserve to be treated as a civilized human being.

It is the worst of the worst to have done to you. It literally makes you feel like your going crazy. The reason is, them not giving closure to such a loving relationship is crazy, and crazy only creates more crazy. Just try to stay strong, and know that the hurt will come in waves, but you just focus on you!!!

((hugs))

A question, because honestly I truly do not understand the disconnect of thought behind this idea.

If your relationship STARTS with both of you NOT treating another person in a civilized humane way why would one be shocked that it then would not be afford to you as well?

For many affairs, the "such loving" relationship was usually one sided. Single AP seem to invest way more than their married counterparts.

Closure means many different things to many different people. For some...Hey f'off....is closure. Quick and to the point. For others..its months and months...of texts....emails...phone calls...showing up at work...oh just one more thing....do you have second....remember when you said...blah blah blah. Closure is overrated....and misunderstood. If someone is not responding, or telling you do not contact me...you have your answer.

November 3, 2013

Reading your answers again and other posts on this forum, I'm thinking; should I be mad at him? Should I just think that he used me and lied and didn't respect me enough to say the final goodbye? Should I think that all his kind words were lies?

I have tried to be angry as a part of moving on, but it didn't last long, because deep down I still love him. But it seems like many people here are angry at their xMM. But is it helping them move on?

November 3, 2013

He never promised me anything, but he did say that he's very confused and torn and doesn't know what to chose. And when I said "I don't think we'll ever end up together", he was like "Why not? I just have to figure things out".

And then there's the thing that he never really ended it. He just "needed time to think", but he never said with words that he chose his marriage. With his actions (the NC for 2 months and going on)..yes..but not with words.

Word can mean nothing, it's the actions that count and his actions have shown you he chose his marriage.

Put yourself in his shoes for a moment though, maybe it'll help you gain closure. Relying on him to give you closure isn't going to work because no matter what he says, you'll question his sincerity and also wonder if he is lying or telling you what you want to hear.

Make peace with your choices and the fact that you willingly got involved with someone who was married. This isn't all on him. Sure be mad at him, rightfully so, but put some of that anger towards yourself. You aren't a victim in this unless he lied and pretended the whole time he was single. Then you're victim and been used.

Use your anger to see him for who he is, not who you *thought* he was or hope he is that great loving guy you fell for. He isn't great. He's a shi.t for having an affair and cheating on his wife. He's a shi.t for hurting you.

November 3, 2013

Reading your answers again and other posts on this forum, I'm thinking; should I be mad at him? Should I just think that he used me and lied and didn't respect me enough to say the final goodbye? Should I think that all his kind words were lies?

I have tried to be angry as a part of moving on, but it didn't last long, because deep down I still love him. But it seems like many people here are angry at their xMM. But is it helping them move on?

Anger is process of healing, which is normal, but holding onto anger and bitterness towards him only poisons you.

Eventually you need to forgive yourself for making some not so good choices and also forgive him for his. If you want peace, then wish him well (another process in the future) and close the door.

November 3, 2013

Word can mean nothing, it's the actions that count and his actions have shown you he chose his marriage.

Put yourself in his shoes for a moment though, maybe it'll help you gain closure. Relying on him to give you closure isn't going to work because no matter what he says, you'll question his sincerity and also wonder if he is lying or telling you what you want to hear.

Make peace with your choices and the fact that you willingly got involved with someone who was married. This isn't all on him. Sure be mad at him, rightfully so, but put some of that anger towards yourself. You aren't a victim in this unless he lied and pretended the whole time he was single. Then you're victim and been used.

Use your anger to see him for who he is, not who you *thought* he was or hope he is that great loving guy you fell for. He isn't great. He's a shi.t for having an affair and cheating on his wife. He's a shi.t for hurting you.

Thanks you.

I have been mad at myself...for being so stupid. It was stupid of me to get involved with him knowing he was married. I fell in love and I believed he fell in love with me too. I can't remember the last time something like that happened to me and therefore I didn't end it. Today I regret everything. If I had the choice today, I wouldn't have started the A. It wasn't worth it.

November 3, 2013

Thanks you.

I have been mad at myself...for being so stupid. It was stupid of me to get involved with him knowing he was married. I fell in love and I believed he fell in love with me too. I can't remember the last time something like that happened to me and therefore I didn't end it. Today I regret everything. If I had the choice today, I wouldn't have started the A. It wasn't worth it.

You're welcome.

You are going to be fine, you invested such a small amount of time into him and your affair, once you let go and detach, you'll see that he isn't worth your tears or any time thinking about.

Painful lesson learned but at least now you know it's just not worth it, even if the guy is hot, sexy and making himself available when he has a wife. That's scummy behaviour by him! Yuck!!

November 3, 2013

Or BS with MM suddenly showed up at my place without my knowledge...LOL.

INY: one thing you will see that is a common trait, is most MM will not end it. They just disappear, leaving the window open so they can come back. You will rarely see a man who will say its over, and close the chapter correctly, on his own. Most times they end it only because their BS is on the phone with them, demanding they say it.

November 4, 2013

Don't feel sorry for me, i am trying to warn you. Think about your heart.... you can move on, i can't. ):

(((ontheotherhand))) (((I'mNotYours))) I believe you both can move on. Some days it is one foot in front of the other but it's progress.

Be kind to yourselves through your healing.

November 4, 2013

I feel like it's not getting easier. Sometimes quite the opposite, because all this NC makes me realize that he's not coming back. I keep imagining seing his phone number on my mobile display, but what if it never ever happens? Many of my exes have returned, but it was only for sex, but some of them just went away and I never saw or heard from them again. I think my xMM could be like that.

And I also get so frustrated, when I hear about divorces. It seems like so many people get divorced, are in their second or third marriage etc., but just not "my" xMM

November 4, 2013

Or BS with MM suddenly showed up at my place without my knowledge...LOL.

Or that! LOL

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How to accept it's over

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