Sonya_dos Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 I'm sure this topic has been discussed but still want insight. Been seeing an older man for about 3 months (12 years older). Dates and communication are scarce. He's a workaholic and travels a lot. But the lack of communication worries me because no one is too busy for a quick 'hi'. He responds quickly when I reach out. Haven't discussed our intentions and I'm not pushy - not this early. When together, even in public, he's quite touchy and kisses. We cuddle a lot and he holds me very closely - even after sex. Hugs tightly a lot. I've been in a casual relationship before and we weren't very touchy as to not mix signals. He's never been married. Quite cynical about marriage/divorce and children. Not sure if he's purposely hinting this. I'm not being pushy because I'm going through a tough time with work and health. All happened after we met. Even told him to part ways because all this stuff was unfair when early dating. But we still talk and met up. Well aware it's too early for true feelings, or he's not ready for something committed and I'm not a priority. Doubt he's seeing anyone else. His body language is the most confusing. I don't think most men would want to mislead with body language to avoid attachment. In casual, you're usually touchy and kissing a bit before and after sex. But not when you're walking down the street or even saying good bye. But the way and frequency of his communication sort of does create a barrier - balances it out. Well aware that only he knows what he is thinking and wants. Well aware that it's about having a good time at the moment. But I am growing attached. If anything I'd like insight as to body language in casual versus caring relationship - mannerisms.
d0nnivain Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 If he's cynical about marriage & 12 years older than you, if you want to get married, take him at his word. He may get "serious" with you but I doubt he'll propose.
lovenotwar Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 It's pretty confusing to me too. However, I think you're far enough into your relationship that it's fair game to ask what's going on. I'm not saying trying to get him to commit to something long-term. But you can just say you're getting mixed messages, and you'd like to know, seriously, what the deal is. It's possible the communication thing is just some quirk he has, and you'll have to get used to it, or figure out how he works. Some people just aren't as good at certain kinds of communication, and staying in touch; I'm one one them, and I can tell you definitively that, for me, it doesn't mean I don't care--it mostly just means I suck. If you've used the L-word, it wouldn't hurt to remind him you love him, and that it would really help you to know what's going on. If you haven't, usually you can find some other way to get the same message across, without coming on too strong. Just saying you "care for" him is approximately the same thing, and not too heavy.
KatZee Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 I really don't think 3 months is "too early" to push things. Honestly, three months is my time limit cap for "casual" relationships, and that's what you're in. At three months if the guy isn't stepping it up and defining things, I'm out. A guy who WANTS to be with you on a very real level is going to know well before 3 months. This guy you're with is just enjoying fringe benefits of a pseudo relationship. I was dating a guy around 3 months as well. He was also touchy feely, very affectionate, we went out on dates, we did things together, I really thought we were on the road to relationship. Dead wrong. He never wanted a relationship. It was casual from the first day to the last day. Some people are more affectionate than others, EVEN in casual relationships.
Author Sonya_dos Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 I've got so much drama that I can't commit heavily at the moment, life is on hold. But this man is on my mind a lot and I care. Honestly I wouldn't stick stay with a man too long if I didn't care. Even with the drama I gave him the option to out. Last thing I need is to make him uncomfortable/obligated and me to seem desperate and needy. Part of me wants to cut off ties completely so I don't have to stress of wondering what he's thinking and wants. I can't tell if he's keeping distance because of my current situation or because he really sees no future but is having fun. Again answers only he knows and perhaps I'm being blind. I just find it helps to write out my thoughts at least and get perspective.
quitecontrary Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Thanks so much for your insight into my problem. I am bummed, but life goes on! I completely understand your confusion -- it is actually really similar to my situation. This guy is super hot/cold and it's difficult to ever know what he's thinking. I hate to advocate for being forward (that's what ruined things for me), but after three months, and the fact that you feel attached, maybe you should be direct and ask him where he feels this is going. If there's no future, it isn't fair for him to lead you on. If there is a future, then you can decide if you want to continue with this man. I hope that helps a little... And, I don't see anything embarrassing in what you've done in this relationship. I would be confused, too...
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