Lixxy Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 (edited) And I have no idea how to react or what to say to her... We are not close friends, (we both have a lot of issues trusting other women), but we live very close and see each other all the time. Yesterday she was talking to me about some relationship problems she's having.. And she dropped that she has hit her partner (who I also see all the time as they live together). She has hit him, "but it doesn't hurt him that bad".. She told me that during arguments, she has raised her hand to strike his face, but she slows her movement down just as her hand is about to make contact.. This doesn't make it any better, I know. I was so shocked I barely knew what to say.. She didn't seem remorseful at all, or really seemed to just come across as very feeling about it at all... The most amount of remorse was when she said she knew it was bad. I told her, that even if it didn't physically hurt, it can cause a lot if emotional pain... bur again it didn't seem to take.. The ironic thing is that we begun conversing because of HIS problems... But now it really seems like a big source of his problems are actually her.. The thing is.. What do I do? I feel like this is none if my business, but someone is getting hurt, and it still at least seemed that she was very prepared to talk about the issues she is having with him. It just feels like she doesn't want to work on her own problems. Also, for some reason, I am slightly scared of her, though I have no idea how much that has to do with my own personal issues / lacking trust of women in general. There are things she says that just feel very... *off*. Like she told me - albeit jokingly - that I'm "such a **** girlfriend" to my own partner, because I laughed when she told me of the past when my partner had a crush on her and she declined him and he wrote up sad journals online. (What am I to say? I don't know). Perhaps I took it too literally when she didn't mean any harm by it. However.. She has been saying often how much she likes me and misses me even right after I've left her place. She messages me a lot. But I don't know how to handle any of this. I'm 26 and have been without female companionship from any woman who isn't family since I was under 13. I have good intentions, but I feel quite worried about this situation. I also don't trust what she says about MY partner (someone she has known far longer than me). She has, in the past, used her knowledge of him against me (e.g telling me that "it's surprising he is going out with someone like you" being as "he told me ages ago he likes women with green eyes, small noses.. Etc etc" - all things I don't have).. Edited November 3, 2013 by Lixxy
nescafe1982 Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 She sounds utterly toxic. What are you getting out of this friendship, OP? My advice would be to put some distance between you and her, and focus on your other friendships. It's terrible that she hits her BF. I don't know what you can do about that, though; you could communicate to stakeholders who are in a better position to help (do you know any of his friends or family?) and maybe they could help him. But if he's not prepared to leave her, nothing will bring them apart. But she sounds like a toxic mess, and if you're not careful her disfunctions will come to color your other relationships... it's already happened with your BF, for instance. I would quietly establish distance from her, and be prepared for a blowout should it happen. I had a friend years ago who was remarkably like this person, I mean to a T. She had a two year cycle of creating a way-too-close, enmeshed friendship with another woman whose role it was to support her emotionally and provide her with narcissistic supply. She also hit her husband and advised me to do same (I never did, of course). Once day, she randomly decided I was trying to sleep with her husband, and not only did she ostracize me, but she also tried to get all of our mutual friends to do the same thing. She was viscous, and I was immensely hurt (I'd met her when I moved to a new city and all my friends were also hers at the time). Anyway, that very painful lesson taught me the value of picking one's friends wisely: being around toxic people leads to a pervasive feeling of toxicity. Being her friend was draining... and being her "enemy" even more so. 2
crederer Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 I had an ex that would hit me. She did it in front of her friends a few times, they tried to intervene but she would respond with "he's MY boyfriend, don't tell me how to behave with him". And anytime I'd tell her it's unacceptable she'd basically question my manhood as a "real man" would be able to handle it. There were a few times where I'd defend myself by block her punches and she'd make it out like I was the one abusing her saying things like "does it make you feel like a man to do that!?!?" Any ways, the abuse wasn't regular but there were probably 5 or 6 really bad times where she literally was trying to kick my ass. She was a pretty strong girl too. But judging by how she responded when her friends tried to intervene (which was on more than one occasion) she didn't respond positively. So, not likely you can do anything about it. She also sounds like a bit of a biatch in general.... 1
Author Lixxy Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 Thank you all so much for your input so far, it's all hugely welcome and appre iated. I am not really sure what I am getting out of this friendship myself.. but I feel so out of touch with female friendships, I don't even really know what I'm missing out on, or what it should be offering me. I don't feel like I can really rely on her for personal advice or support. The hitting is all pretty secretive and behind closed doors. If I witnessed her hitting her partner, I would have no issue reporting her to the police for domestic abuse. I don't have anything to lose, and I do not want to sit by happily and listen to it. If the tables were turned, and it was discovered that she was being hit, I am sure there would be an uproar, but I don't understand that it's any less disgusting because a man is being hit. The more I think about this, the stronger I feel.
stillafool Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 The next time she hits him I hope he halls off and whips......................
SpiralOut Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Reading your post I am more concerned about the way she talks about you and your boyfriend. She doesn't sound like a very good friend. The fact that she hits her boyfriend and shows no remorse is a reflection of her character. She is an angry person who takes things out on others. 2
bubbaganoosh Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Please! Please, please. (I know I sound just like James Brown. If your not old like me you won't get it), but I would love for someone to show me this unwritten law that says a woman has the right to hit a man. From the time I was a kid, my parents told me that YOU CANNOT HIT A GIRL, and I heard it enough time to know that if you don't hit a girl as a kid, you don't hit a woman as a man, yet there are SOME women who think they have the right to haul off and hit a man. God forbid if he retaliates! He gone! next stop jail. If there's going to be equal rights, then these women have to be able to accept the consequences if they strike a man and not have the so called right to be able to fall back on the "I'm a woman and you can't hit me. Not all women do this and I want to make that clear but if a woman wants to take a swing at a man, she should be prepared to be on the receiving end of a swing of his own. I knew a guy who was married to a hot tempered woman and she started a fight with a guy one night at a party. She swung and hit the guy and the guy told her to back off. Her husband came over and pulled her away and she continued to bad mouth. The guy who got hit told the husband to either cool her down or he would light them both up. She took another swing, the guy got pissed and hit her husband, then spun her around, grabbed her by the collar and put his foot across her ass. She went in the air about three feet and her husband had a broken nose. She had a real sore ass. Think she learned her lesson? Two maybe three years later she went after her husband and hit him real good. Here she had a habit of doing it. He called the police and she was arrested. He divorced her and got custody of their son. 1
nescafe1982 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Reading your post I am more concerned about the way she talks about you and your boyfriend. She doesn't sound like a very good friend. The fact that she hits her boyfriend and shows no remorse is a reflection of her character. She is an angry person who takes things out on others. +1 on this Lixxy. You may not have many female friends, but in your OP you mentioned two instances where she said very hurtful things to you, and you said you were afraid of her. This is not a healthy female friendship. As a woman, i understand we all need those sisters in our lives. But although it might be easy to be this woman's friend (chances are she's the one who seeks you out a lot, right? Toxic friends always do)... but if she's enmeshing with your boyfriend and butting in, or otherwise trying to undermine you, she's not worth being around. Seek out female friends who are supportive. It means more effort on your part (to find a group, and make those overtures to meet and get to know people)... but you want to know people who will support you and be positive forces in your life. Not drama-making spouse-beaters. It's hard to make female friends in a healthy way.. but I find Meetups to be useful in this regard. Have you tried them? They don't always pan out but you can have fun doing one of your favorite hobbies, and the people you meet you will already have something in common with! 1
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