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The REAL TRUTH About Love, Commitment, and Going the Distance

truth_seeker

By truth_seeker
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tinktronik Established Member

tinktronik

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Have I hit a nerve? I say you're in denial, as are others, who say any woman doesn't want her big wedding day. Deep down inside, you would love to walk down the aisle knowing there is a man waiting for you.

I think you're living in 1940

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Mascara Established Member

Mascara

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I'm 42. I've been proposed to twice, but back then I was against marriage altogether.

 

Now I'm not against it. Bit if it was up to me, I still wouldn't. However if I met a man who did want to get married - and if I knew he was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life - I would. For him. Because I've learned that it's all about compromise, and if one person isn't bothered and the other person really wants to - just do it.

 

I'm not bothered one way or the other. I could have been married twice over by now.

 

I certainly do not fit this idea of "women dying to get married"

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truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

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Last I checked it's 2013 and every year they got women going crazy looking for wedding dresses.

Mascara Established Member

Mascara

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Yes, some women. But you said ALL

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youaremysunshine Established Member

youaremysunshine

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You don't even know someone the first year, it's the "honeymoon". A proposal would be based on a romantic fantasy rather than a practical understanding of how two people work together.

 

What's the rush to get married? if you already live together i can't see how it changes anything.

 

Moving in together is the second biggest step a relationship can take (first would be a child) so I am not planning to co habitate until I an ready for marriage. I did it once, moving was a hassle.

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truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

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You don't even know someone the first year, it's the "honeymoon". A proposal would be based on a romantic fantasy rather than a practical understanding of how two people work together.

 

This is BS.

 

If you don't know someone - or at least have a good idea after 12 months - then you're out to lunch.

 

The honeymoon is the first 3 months. In a year, you got the honeymoon phase, meeting the parents, spending nights together, holidays, birthdays, meeting each other's friends... if you can't get a sense then and there, forget it.

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truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

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Yes, some women. But you said ALL

 

Yes, I did say all, and I believe it! Just like every man (heterosexual) wants to have a threesome with two women.

youaremysunshine Established Member

youaremysunshine

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Truth seeker, have you ever BEEN in a relationship more than a year? Because I have a the dynamics of the relationship aren't really set until you start sharing a life, traveling, paying bills together, mutual resonsiblities, spending everyday together.

 

Just cause you went to Chrismas dinner and she sleeps over sometimes doesn't mean it will work well when you are a part of her family and she sleeps over 365 days a year.

 

It's easy to love someone when you see them twice a week and all you have to do is put on your nicest clothes and eat and drink and make love.

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FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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I've never wanted a big wedding. Seems like a waste of money. I don't want to be part of a Broadway production. A justice of the peace in a beautiful setting with two good friends as witnesses, followed by a fantastic gourmet meal in a five star luxury hotel on the Amalfi Coast. :love:

tinktronik Established Member

tinktronik

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Yes, I did say all, and I believe it! Just like every man (heterosexual) wants to have a threesome with two women.

Ahhhh ha ha ha ha. My BF says proudly that "he can only disappoint one woman at a time."

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truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

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It's easy to love someone when you see them twice a week and all you have to do is put on your nicest clothes and eat and drink and make love.

 

Where do I sign up for this?

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truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

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I've never wanted a big wedding. Seems like a waste of money. I don't want to be part of a Broadway production. A justice of the peace in a beautiful setting with two good friends as witnesses, followed by a fantastic gourmet meal in a five star luxury hotel on the Amalfi Coast. :love:

 

You still want the wedding... ;)

tinktronik Established Member

tinktronik

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Where do I sign up for this?

You sign up for it by not ever marrying, not living together, and agreeing to only see each other 2x a week for as long as you want.

youaremysunshine Established Member

youaremysunshine

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You just date! I have a boyfriend and we don't t live together. Seeing him is an escape from the monotony and stress of my everyday life. We just have fun.

 

Marriage/long term cohabitation/child rearing is a whole different ball game. They are your life.

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truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

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You sign up for it by not ever marrying, not living together, and agreeing to only see each other 2x a week for as long as you want.

 

Right. This would mean I like the girl and enjoy being with her. If I loved her I would drop to a knee and put a ring on her finger - to show I can't ever live without her.

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youaremysunshine Established Member

youaremysunshine

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I'm not saying I want to keep it casual forever... I want children sone day and someone to grow old with..But it's a big big step and it will happen when it happens. Why rush through the courtship? If my boyfriend want to marry me he will when we both feel ready.

 

Also as far as wedding are concerned... I have always been shy and about public displays of affection and I don't like getting my picture taken...

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truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

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You just date! I have a boyfriend and we don't t live together. Seeing him is an escape from the monotony and stress of my everyday life. We just have fun.

 

Marriage/long term cohabitation/child rearing is a whole different ball game. They are your life.

 

Absolutely.

 

The former is about having fun and nothing ever getting too serious.

 

The latter is about wanting to build a life together.

 

So if you're in a relationship for years - get a clue!

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truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

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I'm not saying I want to keep it casual forever... I want children sone day and someone to grow old with..But it's a big big step and it will happen when it happens. Why rush through the courtship? If my boyfriend want to marry me he will when we both feel ready.

 

Also as far as wedding are concerned... I have always been shy and about public displays of affection and I don't like getting my picture taken...

 

My feeling is you should know right away. Dating for years and years says I like you but am still not sure about you long term.

tinktronik Established Member

tinktronik

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Absolutely.

 

The former is about having fun and nothing ever getting too serious.

 

The latter is about wanting to build a life together.

 

So if you're in a relationship for years - get a clue!

Some people build lives together without marriage at all. I know couples that spent 30+ years together without marriage, until one of them passed. These relationships had no less commitment or love than any I've witnessed with married couples.

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truth_seeker Established Member

truth_seeker

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Some people build lives together without marriage at all. I know couples that spent 30+ years together without marriage, until one of them passed. These relationships had no less commitment or love than any I've witnessed with married couples.

 

We talking Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn?

tinktronik Established Member

tinktronik

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We talking Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn?

Are they dead?

devilish innocent Established Member

devilish innocent

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I bet if there were a survey out there it would probably show the people who commit to marriage in a year or less versus people who date for years and years, then finally decide to marry, have a better success rate, healthier more loving relationship.

 

There have been studies done on this.

 

"A longer period of dating was associated with a higher probability of a happy marriage" The same study found that couples who were married after over two years of dating had twice the divorce rate of couples who knew each other less than two years:

JSTOR: An Error Occurred Setting Your User Cookie

 

 

You might like this study a bit better. It found that couples who had troubled relationships and waited a while to get married were more likely to get divorced soon afterward. But it also found that couples who rushed into marriage too quickly after 18 months or so were also more likely to run into trouble and end up divorced. The ones that waited closer to the average of 25 months were the most successful:

http://app.cubender.com/downloads/80792/documents/56courtship_and_the_newlywed_years_what_they_tell_us_about_the_future_of_a_marriage_2000.pdf

 

This article is a more palatable read of the same information if you don't want to read all of the academic stuff:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200307/the-success-marriage

 

I've done a lot of research on this topic and never found anything that said waiting less than two years to get married helps your chances of success. If you decide to research this, I'd love to see if you can dig up anything different from what I've found.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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A successful marriage is more about finding the right person then how long you wait or when you get married.

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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Are You Ready?

 

Here it is...

 

If you are in love, within a year or at the 1 year mark, you will know if the person is for you. Period. If they are, expect the man to give you a ring.

 

If you are dating for multiple years, then you are not truly in love. You like each other - big difference. You like the idea of having a "go-to companion", ie, hang out, sex, make yourself look attractive to the opposite sex by being in a relationship. You're holding on to this "relationship" until someone better comes along, and also it allows you to have your cake and eat it, too (you can cheat and argue that you're dating and get away with it because you're not married). There are many mental loop holes when dating and not married. If you do not find someone better, you stay in the relationship and fake the love.

 

Seriously, if you've been dating someone for more than 2 years.. lets say 3-5 have both of you or one of you been faithful the entire time? I doubt it! That's not love! That's "I like you being around but I'm not in love with you..." It's quite sad and many people put up with it because of fear of being alone and pressure from their family and friends to get married have start their own family.

 

If both people are into having an open relationship, then I guess what I'm saying goes out the window, but you got to be insane to share the person you love with other people. That's gross and bizarre.

 

I know I'm right.

 

Who wants to argue this?

 

Lets hear it!

 

No argument from me. I've been telling people this for a long time.

 

I'll add that those who are relationship or commitment minded don't even waste one year with someone who doesn't consistently demonstrate those characteristics and have a habit of doing so with others.

 

Me? I give 'em 2-3 months with a long leash to see what they are made of. Very few make it past that point with me. Of those, yes, if we are together a year and they are wishy-washy still, then out they go.

 

Edited: A year is plenty of time to know if you might want to marry someone... another year to seriously flesh out any major deal breakers and test out mutual life plans... but if they don't know after a year whether they want to get married?? the answer is maybe... but likely not to you. Move on.

Edited by RedRobin
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