firststeps Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 My husband and l were married for 14 years and together for 20 years. He was my first love and we had an amazing love story. He was my best friend, soulmate, we had the same hopes and dreams, and loved each others company. This past year my husband struggled with mid life identity crisis. Seeing his dad go through massive health challenges has scared him. He started to push himself at the gym, to the point of injury. l would communicate to him my concerns and try to help him by being there. His behavior got from bad to worse, he would start to drink heavily and was seeking attention from women at the gym. Long story short, he had an affair, l caught on through phone records and when l confronted him, he walked out. Its been 2 months, and 2 weeks since he left. He has been seeing the other woman this whole time, but stringing me along saying he is confused, and misses me. l had enough of being strung along, that l got a lawyer and we are going through early stages of separation. l felt empowered but that only lasted a short time. lm struggling and hurting everyday. l feel like the end is coming to fast and its a bad dream. l have been meeting up with him to talk, l want answers of what happened. l'm looking for "hope"inside him, l don't want to give up on what we had and shared. He still maintains that he is confused, said that him and other woman dont always get along, and that part of him wants to be single but part of him wants to be with me. l told him that lm not his back up plan. l know that everyone says that no contact is the way to heal but l dont want to give up. lm dying inside and holding hope is the only thing that keeps me going. lt pains me to think that he wont be a part of my life but how can l move forward letting go. Please help!
strive Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 I'm so sorry you're going through this. Nobody wants to give up and see their relationship fall apart, but trust what everyone is saying that NC is the way to go. I was in an 11 year relationship before my ex broke it off about a month ago. I can't imagine what it feels like for you being with someone for 20 years. Good for you empowering yourself and telling him that you're not a backup plan. Start NC right away. It hurts right now and it'll continue to hurt some more, but with NC your road to healing will become faster and everyday will be just a bit less painful than the last. If you're meant to be together, you will be again eventually even when you go NC.
Salvatore85 Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 It's not really giving up per se, it's more about knowing your value and settling for nothing less. I was with my ex for 5+ years so my situation doesn't compare but you don't deserve to be second place in his life after so many years of faithful companionship, you should be first. Please don't allow yourself to be treated this way by excusing his actions, pick your head up and show him what he lost. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 There are support groups out there. Some are pure emotional & structured like other types of group therapy. There are social groups like Parents Without Partners but that is more of a dating thing & you probably aren't ready for that. You find ways & reasons to struggle through. You rely on your friends.
Valen Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 This is how I let go. I go through these stages. 1) Acceptance. There is nothing I can do to fix it. NOTHING. That's what you have to accept. It is out of your control. 2) Love yourself. When we love someone, we never want to see them get hurt. So when we love ourselves, we don't want to see us get hurt. We have to protect our heart. We can't let anyone hurt us. 3) Recognize the source of the pain. Right now it's your husband that is hurting you. Holding on to him is like holding on to a hot iron pan with bare hands. It's easy to see by letting go, it will stop the burning. The pain will linger on for a period but it eventually stops and then your hand heals. So will your heart. So when you let go of someone, does it mean constantly reaching out to them? No, it would be like picking up the hot iron pan again. You're just hurting yourself again and again. So to let go means to leave it in the past. Like all things in the past, you can't go back. You can only move forward. 4) Faith. You have to believe your future will be better than your past. Because even though you can't change the past, you can definitely do something to change your future. That's the power you have. So keep your chin up. Your future is going to be brighter. Have faith that you will someday find happiness again. 2
headinthecloud Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Another LS member recommended the "Sedona Method" - The Sedona Method | How it Works - and meditation. There's also the Break Up Recovery Guide - Breakup Recovery Guide Whatever you do, just keep moving forward. You matter now. All your energy should be focused on you and your goals in life. You only live once, make lemonade.
emi Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 I think everyone let go their own way. But basically, people let go because they cant just endure the pain anymore. I cant just let the pain drown me, if i dont move pass it, i will end up in more pain. I feel for your lost, such a big time and effort into your relationship but i think loss is a part of life, and all of us need to go through it at some point in our life. I hope u will feel better soon
Simplysimon Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 My husband and l were married for 14 years and together for 20 years. He was my first love and we had an amazing love story. He was my best friend, soulmate, we had the same hopes and dreams, and loved each others company. This past year my husband struggled with mid life identity crisis. Seeing his dad go through massive health challenges has scared him. He started to push himself at the gym, to the point of injury. l would communicate to him my concerns and try to help him by being there. His behavior got from bad to worse, he would start to drink heavily and was seeking attention from women at the gym. Long story short, he had an affair, l caught on through phone records and when l confronted him, he walked out. Its been 2 months, and 2 weeks since he left. He has been seeing the other woman this whole time, but stringing me along saying he is confused, and misses me. l had enough of being strung along, that l got a lawyer and we are going through early stages of separation. l felt empowered but that only lasted a short time. lm struggling and hurting everyday. l feel like the end is coming to fast and its a bad dream. l have been meeting up with him to talk, l want answers of what happened. l'm looking for "hope"inside him, l don't want to give up on what we had and shared. He still maintains that he is confused, said that him and other woman dont always get along, and that part of him wants to be single but part of him wants to be with me. l told him that lm not his back up plan. l know that everyone says that no contact is the way to heal but l dont want to give up. lm dying inside and holding hope is the only thing that keeps me going. lt pains me to think that he wont be a part of my life but how can l move forward letting go. Please help! hi, No words can make you feel better right now I totally understand your situation having been through it myself. I am now on my 2nd relationship following my divorce and having gone through the same experience as you have with my marriage i find myself homeless following the break down between my recent girlfriend of 2 years which I'm in NC with..Nc to me is a game where the outcome is you heal or your get back together. I know your sitting there, you can't get his face out your mind, what's he doing now, why doesn't he love me, what did I do wrong, I want answers I want reason. There are no answers there is no closure. You seek comfort through these forums as their your only form of salvation. When you say the end is coming what do you mean? The trust has gone now. I am afraid all you can do is go Nc and heal. Time is the greatest healer of all. You talk to friends and family looking for answers, looking for a way to fix it. Keep doing this as it really helps. They get fed up but you need the support. I really feel for you as I'm nice to but where does it get us....no where. So go NC please and do it properly. Do what ever it takes to take your mind far away from the problem. Be strong and let us know how your doing Simon....England x
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