sally12adams Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 I'm asking with reference to an office environment but since it's about dating and relationships, I thought it more appropriate in this forum. Anyway, I get that some people don't want to tell their co-workers that they're in a relationship or dating someone. So I don't mean a broadcast shoutout to the office email that you have a significant other. But more of a mention-in-passing kind of way. Like "Samuel and I tried that same restaurant and we loved it too." or "Barbara's sick so I'll have to give drinks night a pass." At least to me, I think the mention-in-passing is "normal." So when some people are obviously in a serious relationship but seem to go out of their way to not mention about their SOs, is that weird? Or am I being judgmental? Happy to hear your thoughts.
pyramid Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 (edited) I tell my close coworkers... When I'm dating around, they are waiting with bated breath for my crazy stories from the weekend when I come in on Mondays. So when something develops into a relationship, they are some of the first people to know! However, I don't generally mention it to people that I don't talk to about personal stuff on a regular basis. My boss is one who completely avoids his personal life. It took me a year to figure out he'd broken up with his long term gf and another year to realize he was in a new relationship. He'd mention things like "we went to brunch there" if I mentioned a new restaurant, but then refuse to explain "we". Yes it's weird but it's his prerogative. Edited November 3, 2013 by pyramid
Eclypse Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Well everyone was very curious when I joined so everyone knew within a couple of days that I had a girlfriend, how long we'd been together, how often we saw each other etc. Likewise for me with them!
lovenotwar Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 I've always kept this sort of information need-to-know at work, unless it specifically "came up." I actually prefer being unencumbered professionally from family or relationship concerns. With people who know me only at work, I want them focused on my work, not on my personal life. When deflecting an unwanted advance, or just letting someone know your boundaries, I think an "oblique reference" is an accepted method. I think people have some sort of "duty" to bring it up fairly early on, if they're going to make it an issue, but otherwise, usually conversation is already in personal-land by the time you'd mention it. Having said that, there are times when I actually want people at work to know, specifically to avoid misunderstandings or awkwardness. This is mainly to explain behavior that otherwise might seem unusual or improper, or something like that. In that case, I use a simple oblique reference, as above.
Author sally12adams Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 I tell my close coworkers... When I'm dating around, they are waiting with bated breath for my crazy stories from the weekend when I come in on Mondays. So when something develops into a relationship, they are some of the first people to know! However, I don't generally mention it to people that I don't talk to about personal stuff on a regular basis. My boss is one who completely avoids his personal life. It took me a year to figure out he'd broken up with his long term gf and another year to realize he was in a new relationship. He'd mention things like "we went to brunch there" if I mentioned a new restaurant, but then refuse to explain "we". Yes it's weird but it's his prerogative. You don't talk personal stuff on a regular basis. But do you go out of your way to not talk about personal things? At least your boss mentioned things like "we" went to brunch together. I know some that don't even do that.
Author sally12adams Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 Well everyone was very curious when I joined so everyone knew within a couple of days that I had a girlfriend, how long we'd been together, how often we saw each other etc. Likewise for me with them! So you don't see any reason not to share the fact that you're in a relationship with them?
Author sally12adams Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 I've always kept this sort of information need-to-know at work, unless it specifically "came up." I actually prefer being unencumbered professionally from family or relationship concerns. With people who know me only at work, I want them focused on my work, not on my personal life. When deflecting an unwanted advance, or just letting someone know your boundaries, I think an "oblique reference" is an accepted method. I think people have some sort of "duty" to bring it up fairly early on, if they're going to make it an issue, but otherwise, usually conversation is already in personal-land by the time you'd mention it. Having said that, there are times when I actually want people at work to know, specifically to avoid misunderstandings or awkwardness. This is mainly to explain behavior that otherwise might seem unusual or improper, or something like that. In that case, I use a simple oblique reference, as above. Sure, I get that people should focus on one's work and base merits on only their work. But I know of some that go out of their way to hide their relationships. And that's the basis of my thread. Of course it's their prerogative but I really don't see why they have to trip over themselves to hide it.
StanMusial Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Sure, I get that people should focus on one's work and base merits on only their work. But I know of some that go out of their way to hide their relationships. And that's the basis of my thread. Of course it's their prerogative but I really don't see why they have to trip over themselves to hide it. It eventually will come up if you are married or have a gf/bf. "Hey what did you do this weekend?" "Got any plans for the weekend?" The only reason to be shady about it is if you're just dating/sleeping around. I wouldn't necessarily want to share that either.
d0nnivain Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 I never announced it but like you people figure it out when you mention the other person in casual conversation. Mine is a small office so I did show up & announce it when we got enagaged.
Author sally12adams Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 It eventually will come up if you are married or have a gf/bf. "Hey what did you do this weekend?" "Got any plans for the weekend?" The only reason to be shady about it is if you're just dating/sleeping around. I wouldn't necessarily want to share that either. That's what I thought. But this co-worker has been at it for a year now. Still hasn't slipped out. And some of us know this person is in a long-term relationship. I would hate it if my boyfriend hides the fact that he's in a relationship with me.
Author sally12adams Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 I never announced it but like you people figure it out when you mention the other person in casual conversation. Mine is a small office so I did show up & announce it when we got enagaged. This co-worker doesn't even bring it up during casual conversations. He would say things like "went for a game or went for a hike." Or "someone/a friend said this the other day."
Balzac Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 I cannot imagine it making much difference one way or another. Some men wear wedding bands, others do not. Some profession cultures don't really provide much opportunity for disclosure.
Shepp Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Totally. Id find it odd if I worked with someone who had a gf/bf and never mentioned it.
StanMusial Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 That's what I thought. But this co-worker has been at it for a year now. Still hasn't slipped out. And some of us know this person is in a long-term relationship. I would hate it if my boyfriend hides the fact that he's in a relationship with me. How do you know he is in a relationship if he never mentions it? He might have some reason for not wanting to share it. Maybe he is embarrassed of his gf or maybe he is planning to break up with her soon. Maybe he just keeps that sort of thing private for whatever reason. If someone doesn't want to share that's their business and I don't pry. I don't really care that much about my coworkers' private life so long as it doesn't effect me in any way. 1
Eclypse Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 So you don't see any reason not to share the fact that you're in a relationship with them? Well no, there's nothing shady going on. Most of them don't really care, it's just a topic of conversation. Of course, if I was to say I was having an affair on my partner with a married woman... well that might not go down too well. 1
Author sally12adams Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 I cannot imagine it making much difference one way or another. Some men wear wedding bands, others do not. Some profession cultures don't really provide much opportunity for disclosure. I know what you mean. But then he'll be the only one in the office not disclosing.
Author sally12adams Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 How do you know he is in a relationship if he never mentions it? He might have some reason for not wanting to share it. Maybe he is embarrassed of his gf or maybe he is planning to break up with her soon. Maybe he just keeps that sort of thing private for whatever reason. If someone doesn't want to share that's their business and I don't pry. I don't really care that much about my coworkers' private life so long as it doesn't effect me in any way. Because someone is in the same club as him and knows about his long-term relationship. Nobody really wants to pry. It's just strange someone goes out of their way to hide it. It's enough not mentioning it but to go to the lengths he does.
Balzac Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 HaHa yeah it seems so. How many professional scenarios can I imagine where exists 1 abstainer? Many. Court room. Operating room. Psychiatric practice. That's just a few.
StanMusial Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Because someone is in the same club as him and knows about his long-term relationship. Nobody really wants to pry. It's just strange someone goes out of their way to hide it. It's enough not mentioning it but to go to the lengths he does. Maybe she is a total pig and he doesn't want anyone to know he is slumming so hard.
Author sally12adams Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 Maybe she is a total pig and he doesn't want anyone to know he is slumming so hard. If she is who I think she is, she's not a pig. Though she's not as good looking as I thought she might be. But this co-worker seems to always end up with not so good looking girls. However, in no way are they so embarassing one can't say they're dating them.
man_in_the_box Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 It's not an active goal to mention it as I see no point to do that. However since my relationship is a big part of my life it usually comes up in one way or another naturally.
Author sally12adams Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 It's not an active goal to mention it as I see no point to do that. However since my relationship is a big part of my life it usually comes up in one way or another naturally. Exactly! It usually comes up one way or another naturally. So when someone goes out of his way to hide it, you wonder why.
man_in_the_box Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 That is indeed odd. But then again - when my relationship was in deep utter **** (years ago luckily) I can remember never bringing it up unless someone actually inquired directly. It can definitely be some form of denial (although not necessarily so).
Author sally12adams Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 That is indeed odd. But then again - when my relationship was in deep utter **** (years ago luckily) I can remember never bringing it up unless someone actually inquired directly. It can definitely be some form of denial (although not necessarily so). Though I have to say he usually doesn't bring up his relationships. I can't imagine them all being in deep utter s***.
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