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Overly offendable?

SerCay

By SerCay
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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SerCay Established Member

SerCay

Posted
Posted (edited)

I guess being in a good/bad on/off relationship makes a person insecure..

Or maybe not..and someone else would get upset from this as well..

 

So he dropped this on me the other day:

 

We were talking about who's back you will always have, who you always have to be there for when they need you. We were talking moneywise.

 

He says: The persons you always have to be there for are your family, and your spouse.

 

I got offended...After 3 years should be in that list...especially because his family has lend so much money from him and NEVER gives it back. And I have asked money from him 3 times in 3 years..and I do all I can to not ask for anything since I like to be independent...I wonder why a person is ok to get screwed by his own family over and over again and still place them before his SO. Alltogether, shouldn't your SO be like family to you? To me it's like that, especially after so long and with plans of ''being together forever''

 

 

I don't know, I guess I'm being overly emotional, but it made me feel like hello...what am I to you?

When I asked why I wasn't on that list, he said: are you my wife? no, so how can you be on that list?

Edited by SerCay
nescafe1982 Established Member

nescafe1982

Posted
Posted

Wait. You ("spouse") were on the list, though. Am I reading that right?

 

Oh course his family (whatever their character) is going to come first. That won't change unless you're married, and maybe not even then. But besides that point, I'm not sure that putting you "after" his family in a list of people he would care for even means that you are a secondary concern. He may have even been communicating that he has added you to that list, previously held only by family!

 

Are you being too sensitive about this particular topic? Yes, probably.

 

But there is something more here. You open your post with "being in this up and down relationship is making me insecure." THAT is the problem, and that's a problem you and your spouse need to address. Rockiness is a symptom of relationship disfunction, and if you are always feeling insecure about your place with regards to your spouse, OF COURSE you're going to be hurt when little conversations like this one happen.

 

What else makes this relationship so up-and-down? Those are the issues that perhaps need to be dealt with. What else makes you feel hot-cold? This one conversation is a mere symptom of a larger potential issue.

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SerCay Established Member

SerCay

Posted
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No im sorry I think I got the definitions mixed... he said wife and im only his girlfriend

Tayla Established Member

Tayla

Posted
Posted

Money is a touchy subject. Next time play on the fact that when or if you have ever loaned money or required it, that you paid it back promptly.

 

I'm totally with you on being independent financially. So to even ask for a loan all but kills me, yet I am quick to pay it back and show that I am as good as my written promissory note :)

 

I consider family a given...they give me a promissory note to pay back...and my budget allows the loan...they get loan.

 

Your bf needs a reality check and needs to cash in soon....the bottom line to any loan is are they worthy and trusting to pay it back....Blood is irrelevant. Been there and got the best advice from my lawyer on notes.

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SerCay Established Member

SerCay

Posted
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Posted
Money is a touchy subject. Next time play on the fact that when or if you have ever loaned money or required it, that you paid it back promptly.

 

I'm totally with you on being independent financially. So to even ask for a loan all but kills me, yet I am quick to pay it back and show that I am as good as my written promissory note :)

 

I consider family a given...they give me a promissory note to pay back...and my budget allows the loan...they get loan.

 

Your bf needs a reality check and needs to cash in soon....the bottom line to any loan is are they worthy and trusting to pay it back....Blood is irrelevant. Been there and got the best advice from my lawyer on notes.

 

Exactly...it's probably a trust issue.. he says when we break up, I will never get it back if I were to be there for you and had your back.

 

That tells me in giving money to his family, he's assured to get it back because he'll never stop seeing them.

 

I was upset about the emotional part here.. don't care for his money.

After 3 years and talks about how we will be together forever etc, I find it offensive that he sees our bond that vague. His actions tell something else but his words are so different.

 

Like I said to me, he's family, but to him, I'm not.

On the one hand, he's the one that doesnt want to get married or live together yet, on the other hand, he's the one that takes me out to dinners and buys me things I can't carry myself etc. and groceries.

 

Then when we have an issue like this, he makes me feel as if he's doing all these things against his will, but just to keep me with him or something, I dont know :S

 

I know it sounds vague..but if someone does things for me, I want them to do it willingly and because they FEEL it....not because they have to because Im their gf and have less money...

crederer Established Member

crederer

Posted
Posted

See now your last sentence was a typical woman type of phrase that will cause men to want to rip their hair out.

 

"I don't want you do it because I want it, I want YOU to WANT to do it". Jesus, the guy probably didn't mean it offensively as you are taking it. He probably meant he'd have your back as long as you're his girl but he cant say "no matter what" cause what if you cheat or break up? That's a condition of the terms.

Tayla Established Member

Tayla

Posted
Posted
See now your last sentence was a typical woman type of phrase that will cause men to want to rip their hair out.

 

"I don't want you do it because I want it, I want YOU to WANT to do it". Jesus, the guy probably didn't mean it offensively as you are taking it. He probably meant he'd have your back as long as you're his girl but he cant say "no matter what" cause what if you cheat or break up? That's a condition of the terms.

 

Crederer- you are sooo missing the point- ( as most guys will when such a statement is made). There is a HUGE difference between OBLIGATION and Willingly doing something graciously and wantingly.

 

Simple way is: One is a choice we make the other is a commanded duty. If you cant comprehend that difference then maybe its best to stay under the covers...your not ready for adult behavior.

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crederer Established Member

crederer

Posted
Posted

No I get the point. But if a guy does something out of obligation rather than willingly, doesn't that show a certain level of care? I mean he's doing it not because he wants to but because he cares so much that he does it FOR you.

 

haha jesus......this one really gets my goat for some reason.

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Grumpybutfun Established Member

Grumpybutfun

Posted
Posted (edited)
he said wife and im only his girlfriend

 

Well then, this is what he meant. You are just his gf.

Edited by Grumpybutfun
Tayla Established Member

Tayla

Posted
Posted
No I get the point. But if a guy does something out of obligation rather than willingly, doesn't that show a certain level of care? I mean he's doing it not because he wants to but because he cares so much that he does it FOR you.

 

haha jesus......this one really gets my goat for some reason.

Yes to a degree what you are saying holds merit. Where you stop short is not being able to acknowledge that doing something willingly is a higher compliment to the recipient. The Op is able to express that desire verses obligation. Sorry to hear your frustration, usually opening and seeing a wider perspective eases the angst on the concept.

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SerCay Established Member

SerCay

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Yes to a degree what you are saying holds merit. Where you stop short is not being able to acknowledge that doing something willingly is a higher compliment to the recipient. The Op is able to express that desire verses obligation. Sorry to hear your frustration, usually opening and seeing a wider perspective eases the angst on the concept.

 

I just love it how you are able to put my thoughts in such nice words tayla, you truly understand what I mean!

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SerCay Established Member

SerCay

Posted
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Posted
Well then, this is what he meant. You are just his gf.

 

\lets consider what you say,.. and considering my OP...its quite cotradicting he bought me a phone yesterday (very expensive one) without me asking or even knowing it...(and i do have a phone already)

 

You see what my being offended is all about?

 

he's either in denial or feels obliged

 

(i didnt accept the gift btw)

Tayla Established Member

Tayla

Posted
Posted

Sercay, you are welcome, its nice to remain in the middle and understand the scenario from each side.

 

Sometimes people do loving things in different ways.....I have a friend that really doesn't know "HOW" to say "I'm sorry to have offended you"...but will out of the blue buy a gift and send it my way....I used to think ...you can't buy me off.....then I came to realize...she really does consider the gift an effort to make amends..and so long as I understand it as a positive gesture...its okay. Most times I donate the gift to an elder home or to a childrens home...They need the gift..I just needed the gesture ( olive branch so to speak). Nice things about gifts is you can always find a purpose for them :)

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