SunBoyMoonChild Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Hi All, I am 25 year old guy. I've never been in a relationship before, haven't dated ever. That doesn't mean I am low on self confidence. I have done exceedingly well in the other departments of life and people around me (including girls) are often surprised that I haven't dated yet. I've had a few rejections in my teens that were pretty hard to digest. However, for the last few years, I did not have any entanglements at all. I just concentrated on my career while shunning this aspect of my life completely. Three months ago, I met a certain girl. We hit if off in a way that I did not know even existed. We could and still can talk to each other for hours at a stretch. She told me that she had a very troubled break up more than a year ago. After that, I am the only one with whom she has had a stable connection with. We both started liking each other a lot, however she told me she doesn't want to commit as there is no future with us ( we are of different religions). I've told her that I love her. She told me she loves me too (not in a friend zone way) . We are addicted to each other. We just can't stay without talking to each other for more than a day. Now comes the mess up. She tells me that she is not physically attracted to me. She is not even physically comfortable around me. We haven't gone out much. We usually meet for late night walks. She tells me that she has tried to feel attracted to me, but she just can't. She told me that it maybe because after the break up, she separates the physical love from the emotional love. I've tried getting physical with her, but she gets very uncomfortable. That doesn't mean our relationship is platonic. We flirt, sext a lot. She tells me that she thinks of me cuddling her and making love to her. She also likes flirting (not sexting) with other guys. Twice she got drunk and she made out with random guys. She has been honest about that and also guilty because she knows that she will hurt me. But she says she just can't help her urges then.That hurts me a lot. Both of us have really connected on a level that I know is impossible to achieve easily. I really want this to work. How should I go about it?
lovenotwar Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Love without physical attraction is a problem. Honestly, I'm pretty confused by what that even means. Is there attraction of some other sort? If so, what sort? Romance is inherently tied up in the physical, no matter what intellectual connection you've made. Are you sure that you're not being friend-zoned? Do you know why she isn't comfortable getting physical? Is it awkward, or are you going too fast, or what? My first thought, though, is whether this is a problem you can fix. If you think the relationship has good fundamentals otherwise, perhaps there's a way you can make yourself more attractive to her. The nice thing about the physical is that it's superficial, and so possible to change, to some degree. Have you considered giving yourself a dude-makeover? Another female friend, if you have one, can help you with this. I think fixing this, or deciding if this is a deal-breaker, really comes down to exactly what the physical problem is, and if it can be fixed; and if she is attracted enough to you otherwise to cut you some slack here.
Author SunBoyMoonChild Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 Love without physical attraction is a problem. Honestly, I'm pretty confused by what that even means. Is there attraction of some other sort? If so, what sort? Romance is inherently tied up in the physical, no matter what intellectual connection you've made. Are you sure that you're not being friend-zoned? Do you know why she isn't comfortable getting physical? Is it awkward, or are you going too fast, or what? My first thought, though, is whether this is a problem you can fix. If you think the relationship has good fundamentals otherwise, perhaps there's a way you can make yourself more attractive to her. The nice thing about the physical is that it's superficial, and so possible to change, to some degree. Have you considered giving yourself a dude-makeover? Another female friend, if you have one, can help you with this. I think fixing this, or deciding if this is a deal-breaker, really comes down to exactly what the physical problem is, and if it can be fixed; and if she is attracted enough to you otherwise to cut you some slack here. Hey, Thanks for the reply. Having been friend zoned before, I am absolutely sure that this is not a friend zone. She likes dressing up for me and my opinion on how she looks really matters. Whenever she dresses up nice, she sends me selfies et al. So yeah, definitely not a friend zone here. The thing is, in the initial days, we talked a lot on the phone and spent very little time in person. I think our relationship has advanced a lot emotionally and that is what is making her conscious around me. She told me that if she were comfortable around me, she would've given in as even she knows the attraction is superficial. But we can't even seem to establish the comfort zone. So I guess the question is how do we establish that. Thanks again!
thefooloftheyear Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 It will never work.....trust me on this..... TFY
Author SunBoyMoonChild Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 It will never work.....trust me on this..... TFY Hey, Can you please tell me why do you think so? I really want this to work. I understand the odds are stacked against me. But I want to give it my best shot, applying everything before I give up on this. Its only the attraction part. We both know, and have told each other, that if that is resolved, we would be in a relationship. If we spend more time with each other, go out on lunch dates, shopping etc. do you think the comfort zone can be established? Thanks
ponchsox Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Love without physical attraction is a mask, it will never work. You need both in a relationship.
lovenotwar Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Hey, Thanks for the reply. Having been friend zoned before, I am absolutely sure that this is not a friend zone. She likes dressing up for me and my opinion on how she looks really matters. Whenever she dresses up nice, she sends me selfies et al. So yeah, definitely not a friend zone here. The thing is, in the initial days, we talked a lot on the phone and spent very little time in person. I think our relationship has advanced a lot emotionally and that is what is making her conscious around me. She told me that if she were comfortable around me, she would've given in as even she knows the attraction is superficial. But we can't even seem to establish the comfort zone. So I guess the question is how do we establish that. Thanks again! OK I think I understand. First, like I said above, you should do everything you can to make your physical appearance top-notch: perfect hygiene, fashionable clothes, etc. But mostly, you need to date her. Like, have dates, and let things happen. Try a few different locales back-to-back. I'd definitely recommend low-pressure type dates over high-pressure dates; for instance, something informal but intimate, like a casual dinner in a casual setting, instead of a formal date in a nice restaurant. Oh, and make sure to set your own expectations that nothing might happen on a particular night, and that is totally OK. Do you guys drink? Alcohol shouldn't be used as a crutch, but used in moderation, it can really gloss over minor problems. Unless you have a moral objection that's more important than the girl, or a health problem, find a way the two of you can drink a bottle of nice wine together in a place with some privacy. Don't go too fast with the physical, if there are problems. I don't have a clear idea of where you're at, but 'touching non-sexually' is a great first step, and a whole lot better than high-pressure stuff like kissing or hugging. I'll be honest, when the girl I posted about in my other thread playfully pulled at my arm the other day, I pretty much went through the roof. Graduate, as slowly as necessary, from touching to, well, touching a lot more. You should keep the relationship moving, but don't force it or rush things, if they aren't happening naturally. Just keep making things interesting for both of you, until things happen on their own.
Kkristine Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 How can you fall in love with someone without being at last a little attracted to them, physically? I've fallen for men in the past, who I didn't find attractive at first, but as my feelings for them grew, my physical attraction grew as well, or it came to a point where that didn't bother me one bit as it did when first seeing him.
Author SunBoyMoonChild Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 OK I think I understand. First, like I said above, you should do everything you can to make your physical appearance top-notch: perfect hygiene, fashionable clothes, etc. But mostly, you need to date her. Like, have dates, and let things happen. Try a few different locales back-to-back. I'd definitely recommend low-pressure type dates over high-pressure dates; for instance, something informal but intimate, like a casual dinner in a casual setting, instead of a formal date in a nice restaurant. Oh, and make sure to set your own expectations that nothing might happen on a particular night, and that is totally OK. Do you guys drink? Alcohol shouldn't be used as a crutch, but used in moderation, it can really gloss over minor problems. Unless you have a moral objection that's more important than the girl, or a health problem, find a way the two of you can drink a bottle of nice wine together in a place with some privacy. Don't go too fast with the physical, if there are problems. I don't have a clear idea of where you're at, but 'touching non-sexually' is a great first step, and a whole lot better than high-pressure stuff like kissing or hugging. I'll be honest, when the girl I posted about in my other thread playfully pulled at my arm the other day, I pretty much went through the roof. Graduate, as slowly as necessary, from touching to, well, touching a lot more. You should keep the relationship moving, but don't force it or rush things, if they aren't happening naturally. Just keep making things interesting for both of you, until things happen on their own. Hey, Thanks a lot!! I am sure this will help!! I am personally very patient about the physical part. The problem is not that. She told me that the reason she made out with those guys is because she is not attracted to me. She told me that if she were even remotely attracted , she would stop that and be in a relationship with me. That is why I am anxious. About the touching part, well we usually sit close to each other when we are together with our bodies brushing against each other. I did keep my hand on her shoulder once, but she got really uncomfortable by that. The problem is her discomfort is such that she can't make eye with me. As long as that doesn't happen, its very difficult to make myself more attractive! But I'll surely try out what you say
Author SunBoyMoonChild Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 How can you fall in love with someone without being at last a little attracted to them, physically? I've fallen for men in the past, who I didn't find attractive at first, but as my feelings for them grew, my physical attraction grew as well, or it came to a point where that didn't bother me one bit as it did when first seeing him. Yeah, I know it sounds ridiculous. But then, I also know that it is love. The way she said it and more importantly the moment when she said it, it could not have been anything different. I guess because she is too afraid to commit after her previous heart break. She is stopping herself from this and mostly using the physical attraction as a barrier.
FitChick Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Sounds like she loves you like a brother or cousin. She also misses the attention of men and being with you gives her that but she is safe. Why don't you ask her what it is about your appearance that turns her off so that you can improve and find someone else. Either she will realize she doesn't want to lose you or will help you find someone who appreciates you on every level. It's also possible that your virgin anxiety is turning her off. You might be better off dating someone, losing your virginity or at least getting some make out experience that will help you relax around her. Any of the above! Start first with your appearance, telling her that if she really loved you she would tell you the truth. If you start looking better, other women will notice and she will notice them noticing you!
Author SunBoyMoonChild Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 I've asked her a lot of times what turns her off. She keeps telling me that there is nothing particular about me. She once told me that she has never felt so connected to someone who was this intelligent and that my intelligence just intimidated her. Maybe this can be a reason for the anxiety? Also, she actively does want to sext me and she says that there are times when she does want to commit to me but then she just backs of in her head. In her own words, at an emotional level, she wants me to make love to her. Surely this can't be brotherly or friendly love?
StanMusial Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Three months ago, I met a certain girl. We hit if off in a way that I did not know even existed. We could and still can talk to each other for hours at a stretch. She told me that she had a very troubled break up more than a year ago. After that, I am the only one with whom she has had a stable connection with. We both started liking each other a lot, however she told me she doesn't want to commit as there is no future with us ( we are of different religions). Hey, Can you please tell me why do you think so? I really want this to work. I understand the odds are stacked against me. But I want to give it my best shot, applying everything before I give up on this. Its only the attraction part. We both know, and have told each other, that if that is resolved, we would be in a relationship. If we spend more time with each other, go out on lunch dates, shopping etc. do you think the comfort zone can be established? Thanks Your story is somewhat contradictory. She has given you every reason to move on, probably should go ahead and do so.
theothersully Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 This is not normal, but unfortunately quite common for me. I have a very close friend who would be the one if only I found her physically attractive. I just don't. Her eyes are great, but I get nothing else. Yet... i feel the little flutters of love, when we're together, but not the urge to have sex or anything. It's very confusing. I have this problem all the time too. I can't seem to have both at once. Just one or the other. So... I understand very well where your girl is with that.
antonio1149 Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Hey, Thanks a lot!! I am sure this will help!! I am personally very patient about the physical part. The problem is not that. She told me that the reason she made out with those guys is because she is not attracted to me. She told me that if she were even remotely attracted , she would stop that and be in a relationship with me. That is why I am anxious. Not "remotely attracted"? I'd say that's a dealbreaker. Sounds to me like she's using you as an emotional crutch--she's getting some needs met from you on an emotional level, but is holding out for a guy that will really get her motor running. Trust me--if she meets a guy who has your niceness, patience and support, but that she's also physically attracted to, you'll quickly become ancient history. I'd bail. You deserve better.
bumpyroad Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 (edited) Now comes the mess up. She tells me that she is not physically attracted to me. She is not even physically comfortable around me. We haven't gone out much. We usually meet for late night walks. She tells me that she has tried to feel attracted to me, but she just can't. She told me that it maybe because after the break up, she separates the physical love from the emotional love. I've tried getting physical with her, but she gets very uncomfortable. That doesn't mean our relationship is platonic. We flirt, sext a lot. She tells me that she thinks of me cuddling her and making love to her. RE your above 2 paragraphs - she's being fundamentally dishonest with you; she said she's physically unattracted to you yet she sends you sex texts. Why get sexy in text when you're not feeling it in real life? The texts are a lie. So what else might she lying about? For that reason there's no future in it. Edited November 3, 2013 by bumpyroad
runningfar Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 She has been honest about that and also guilty because she knows that she will hurt me. But she says she just can't help her urges then.That hurts me a lot.? 1. that doesn't sound like love 2. Not going to happen in what you described. I'm a big believer in personality driving attraction not physical; what a guy looks like is pretty much meaningless to me when I know him... but if she hasn't yet, it's not going to change. 3. anyone is addicted to that level of attention and interaction. We are social creatures.
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