Dating this guy

[jayta78]

Hi

So I am dating this guy who is younger than me and in university completing his Masters degree. He is an introvert and never saw himself in a relationship.

 

I am someone who has never dated anyone in my life.

 

We started up as this flirtation. I think it was a physical thing, but we were friends before this in a distant kind of way. Neither of us are great talkers, but I do talk more so than he does. So it was kind of like a forbidden thing which became this physical attraction and then before we knew it, we would make plans to see each other to watch movies at my place. We both told each other this could never work. He was planning on moving to Germany after his degrees and I had an issue with him not having faith. But I liked snuggling with him and him paying this attention to me.

 

Flash to the present, after growing closer through our love of dance and talking several times about putting a time limit as to when this would be over, and 'breaking up' after he left for Germany for the summer, and then finding we did not want to be apart afterwards, we are officially a couple.

 

Now you know our backdrop, I am needing advice. He has always been a loner. He does not like hug crowds unless it is a dance event. He can go on for days without talking to me because he is so focused on his schoolwork. He does not like to go out with me when I invite him out to hang out with friends of mine, which he knows, but does not know well. These are the things that I have to deal with.

 

I have had one official date with him. The kind of thing where he arranges and plans everything and I just go along for the ride. Other than that, my time has been always just chilling out at my place and recently his family's place (he lives with his parents for cost purposes) and we go to random dances. It is always dutch. I am always making supper at my place with my groceries. I almost feel like his mother (but not really) as I'm always feeding him.

 

This, as well as the looming fate that he will leave for Germany or elsewhere within the next three years or so. He has never spoken of a long term committed relationship. It has always been, 'Let's see where this takes us' attitude.

 

These are many of the reasons I feel uncertain about this relationship and considering breaking up with him. Sometimes it just feels like it's so hard and that I am the one who is making all of the effort.

 

Now, he is the most easy going guy I've ever met. He loves me just as I am. I can say and do anything and he won't even bat an eyelash when I am at my craziest and most insecure. He is calm and kind and sweet. I can talk to him and I feel safe with him. I think I could fall in love with him despite the differences we have.

 

Every time I am with him, I am fine. I feel everything is right. But to get there, to have him spend time with me is sometimes frustrating and a struggle.

 

I am pretty sure he doesn't ignore me because he doesn't care. He is just always wrapped up in work. But part of me thinks if he did love me enough that it wouldn't matter about work.

 

I am so confused. And a huge part of me feels guilty because I have a strong faith in God and I kind of let everything I believe in regards to physicality go out the window. He wants nothing to do with the church but believes there is a Higher Power. But I do not know if that is enough. I feel like I can't have a conversation about this stuff because he would not want to hear it.

 

So confused... Any thoughts would be nice though...

[lovenotwar]

Hey jayta,

 

I love your story. Maybe this is just weird for me to say, but it sounds romantic.

 

Do you know what's going on with him, as far as him being a loner? That is, what's the real reason? Personally, I have social anxiety, and it causes a lot of the same behavior in me. If you just want to have a good time, going out with people I don't know well is the last thing I want. If it's similar for him, there may be some options, like therapy. Therapy can be very effective.... as can just having a girlfriend to drag you out and force you to meet people.

 

So I think you need to talk to him, to try to figure out what's going on. Maybe you can help him in some way.

 

Unfortunately, and this absolutely pains me to say, it is possible you guys aren't completely compatible. If you like going out, and he doesn't, this is going to be a problem. If the rest of your relationship is great, you can definitely get past it; but if not, this could be a warning sign. (This pains me, because my personal introversion has cost me many a beautiful girl, which I bitterly regret.)

 

By the way, I'll be honest about the religion thing: if you think the relationship is a keeper otherwise, be flexible on religion. If you believe in a benevolent "higher power," remember that the power wants you to be happy, and has set you up in this unlikely relationship for a reason. Don't second-guess it; just do what feels right for you.

[Balzac]

Is religious difference your concern because of potential for future children in your life? If so, seems your facing dating only men w similiar beliefs and practices.

 

At some level once a couple engages in a sexual relationship, the reality that 50% of pregnancies are unplanned needs discussion. I'm not saying you lack a working knowledge of contraceptive methods. It seems though that by virtue of religious beliefs, you exclude abortion.

 

Three years into the future is only relevant if you would feel cheated by taking yourself off the market should this relationship end. I cannot get a feel for your long term goal for being in any relationship.

[jayta78]

lovenotwar: He is an insane introvert. But I know and understand introverts. It doesn't mean he doesn't like to to hang out or talk to people. But large groups, he abhors. His mentality is that he'd rather just spend time at home on his computer (he's a physicist with a minor in computer science) than see people in general.

 

I am not sure, but I am sure there may be some specific reason as to why he doesn't care for many people in general, but he has always been unsocial according to his story ever since childhood. People are immature or uninteresting.

 

Now I'm not a complete extrovert. I don't mind sitting in and being with him. Watching movies or whatever. But sometimes I want to go out for dinner with my sister and her bf and Ronan or such. I am a board games person, but he does not like it at all. If my sister invites us to a games night, he will decline and just hide in my room. So then I feel like I can't participate because I should be with him.

 

Sometimes I feel like I have to stop seeing my friends/family to be able to see him (because he's always busy with school and work and the only time I get to see him is on the weekends and it's also the same time I have to see everyone else).

 

Balzac: I am not thinking children at all. I think that has passed by me. If I did, it would have to be within the next couple of years which I do not think will happen. So that's not by big concern.

 

I feel like my relationship with God (I'm a Christian) has been put on the backburner. It has nothing to do with him really but my wanting to be with him has put a damper on my expressing my faith. He does not shut down conversations about God, but it's hard when I know his feelings on the matter - especially any organized religion. I know he will never step inside a church. I know his feelings on church, so even though he tells me he doesn't mind talking about it, I don't feel free to talk about it.

 

As far as the physical relationship... Well I never intended to actually have a physical relationship with him in the sense that I would have full out sex. But things progressed and it happened so gradually. It is probably the biggest thing that I feel guilty about because I have always said I would remain chaste until my wedding night.

 

Anyway, we never had full penetration but it became a worry for me when he came even partially inside me. So I've been on the pill since. I do not worry about pregnancy at the moment because I have asked that we slow everything down in that department.

 

And as for 3 years into the future, it is a concern for me. I did not mention this in the beginning because I didn't think it mattered to mention it, but I am 35 and he's 22. So sometimes I get this panicky feeling that if this isn't going anywhere and we aren't going to stay together, that it will be too late for me to find anyone else.

 

My goal in life is to find someone to spend the rest of my life with.

[jayta78]

Something unexpected happened where Ronan mentioned that he needed space or he may just give up on us as a thing.

 

Guess that gives me some inkling, huh?

 

I told him if being stressed out causes him to re-evaluate our relationship, which has nothing to do with his stress levels from school/work, then perhaps we should take a break. So I told him to think about it. I was not going to see or talk to him for awhile after our text conversation so that he could decide if he really wanted this to continue.

 

I am unusually calm about it. Maybe I'm in shock about it.

Edited November 4, 2013 by jayta78

[todreaminblue]

Met a guy recently, told him I have faith I go to church he didnt give me any idea to his affiliation or whther he believed in god, which si actually a red flag to me,I gave him the name fo the faith i truly believe in, told him I am pretty heavily involved, it was a warnign on my part.Obviously he didtn take much notice of what i was saying,because he kissed me on the first date and decided tongue was alright.

 

It isnt, I vagued out of there, he needs kissing lessons for starters but his conversation skills were excellent.Long term this will never work, he has the capacity to be clingy,but yet agressive in what he wants,he also walked ahead of me he doesnt know i am mentally ill and I dont think he would be able to handle me at my worst, he put hsi head on my shoulder , and even though teh nurturer in me was there liking to soothe.Its not eh woman who would be satisfied.I need an equal not a child.

 

Going out with a younger man, you have to make sure you are not adopting a horny child,or a child in general ,study your own motives fro this as well as his,do your research internally

 

 

 

one reason why i have normally gone for older men with a bit of confidence and determination not to be pushed around is i dotn need more chidlren around me I have many to fulfill that nurturer in me, i dotn sound very nurturing do I? I actually am very nurturing...

 

 

 

When i was teen I dated a forty plus possibley in hsi fiffties by his wrinkles aroudn hsi eyes.He laughed a lot though so undecided on how old he truly was..

 

 

on a conversation level, he was perfect ,values ideals, he was into the arts opera theatre museums, all that i love,I need an all rounder, havent foudn one,

 

 

 

 

he took me everywhere with him, i would link my arm through his and walk and talk up a storm never short of things to talk about. he was a courter, he was impotent however and the woman in me knew this had no longevity so i was brutal cut it quick and clean I was his escort his companion without sex, which is fine when you are a virgin but eventually you lose that virginity .You have to find an equal to satisfy you, you don't need an adoption to go through, and watch the feeding , if he eats everything you cook without voicing what he likes, you have a problem he isn't sure of who he is or what he wants from life check his backbone (internal fortitude to be who he is and be proud of it)..good luck......ps dotn let him knwo the food you love, because if he hasn't got a firm sense of self he will just like what you like.say you have no favourite food even if you do.Ask him his

Edited November 4, 2013 by todreaminblue

[jayta78]

Well I haven't talked to him since our blow via text. I don't know if I will hear from him. It seems he is either too busy to text me and see how I'm doing or let me know what he is thinking or he is trying to give me the space I said I needed.

 

Either way it sucks.

 

As for the dating a non-Christian, it is a very hard thing to do. You do let things slide when it comes to not going to church or allowing yourself to be more physical than you expect yourself to be. However, I have to say I have always struggled with the need for intimacy. So I don't blame it all on him. I just ended up with someone who was actually physically attracted to me instead of pining and fantasizing alone.

 

I don't think that he could ever make me walk away from my faith. It just won't happen. However, he did catch me in a time where I was questioning God's plan and everything else. C'mon, I've never had a date or a bf until now. That's a freaking long time to be patient.

 

Anyway, we have discussed it. I can discuss it with him. My doubts and worries are my own though. I have to work through guilt and doubts about whether God can love me in spite of my decision to love him. I would hope he would.

 

He respects my faith, but he has a very negative view of people of religion. I don't blame him. Sometimes I can't stomach them myself.

 

As for be adopting a child?

 

Sometimes I think it feels like that. But I have to say that I don't believe he is a child. He is quite mature for his age. Young in experience. However, I think he lets me do things because I am willing to do things for him like cook. However, he does do things that I don't want to do so it does seem to balance out.

 

todreaminblue: I am not quite sure the point you were getting at. Yes, perhaps you have a preference for older men, but I can't say that the ones around my area just aren't quite my type. Plus, I'm not quite sure how we got into the discussion of being someone's escort?

 

I feel like you want to discuss your situation rather than mine.

 

However, all might be moot since I haven't talked to him for about a week now.

[jayta78]

Update: We had an honest talk and we got everything on the table in regards to what just happened two weeks ago. It was really something I did not expect to be a hard decision but it was. He put a lot of doubts in my head about all of it. Part of me expected to say no. It really looked that way.

 

But in the last minutes, when he seemed to be aloof and reserved, ready to walk away, he told me he did not want to lose me. He knew he liked me and he would do what was best but he did not want to lose me. I think if he thought we could be friends and close he would have been fine with it. But I don't think I could have been friends and close. It was hard when he kept asking me if I wanted him to leave when I told him I didn't know what to do with us. I wanted to yell, NO! Stop asking me that!

 

It made me face the question, 'Do I love him enough to be okay with everything else?' I couldn't honestly say yes. If I had to do all the compromising and changing, then my answer would have been no. However, I was happy the way things were until this hiccup. Nevertheless, this made me scared that he would hurt me. His inability to not tell me I want us to work.

 

I explained myself better because I think there was a communication gap in how I saw things and explained things and the way he saw them and explained them. Once we got them out of the way, then things became a little clearer.

 

He told me he did not want to lose me. I did not want to lose him. But could we be happy together as anything more than just friends?

 

I kissed him and said nothing. He choked out and asked if that was our last kiss? I couldn't answer him. I did not know. I just wanted to kiss him and feel him. I asked him if this was going to happen again because I did not think I could do it otherwise. He told me he did not know but he would do everything he could not to make me go through what I just did.

 

He then said, he guess he should have actually asked this question from the beginning before all this started, 'Do you want to go out with me, even if it means going away with me across the world?' (paraphrase)

 

I eventually said yes. I was not 100% sure of my answer if it was right or wrong. But I could not find any other answer I wanted to give him.

 

There was a lot of other things going on with him. He was a cutter earlier on in his years. I think in times like we just went through, it brings him to that bad place. So this also gives me pause.

 

But the thing is, I love him enough for this not to be a factor. I love him enough to see past it. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing right now though...