leftfordead2 Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Why? I went to take a peek at Ashley Madison website and my first question was why? Why even get married in the first place and then seek out an affair? The other party in the marriage didn't sign up for this. 2
2sunny Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Why? I went to take a peek at Ashley Madison website and my first question was why? Why even get married in the first place and then seek out an affair? The other party in the marriage didn't sign up for this. Selfish - that's why. 4
harrybrown Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Yes, the spouse did not sign up for this. Stop now.
dichotomy Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Why? I went to take a peek at Ashley Madison website and my first question was why? Why even get married in the first place and then seek out an affair? The other party in the marriage didn't sign up for this. Too simplistic.Do you think many "cheaters" get married planning to cheat? Oh I suppose there are instances of lying cheaters getting married knowing they would be not faithful...but.. A harder question is - after you are married and you find yourself about to cheat, or our find your self cheating (and you never thought you would) - why? why not divorce, or stop yourself and fix things? Then you can read the hundreds of posts and discussions here on this question. 3
cozycottagelg Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 From all of the threads I have read on here and the people I know in my regular life, I would say that very very few people get married knowing they are going to cheat. So many of the threads in the infidelity section, and the OM/OW section start with "I never thought I would find myself in this situation"..and I gotta say, I believe it. There are things I have done in my life that I never saw myself doing. Not that I am condoning cheating or that website, but I'm just saying that I don't think cheating is something anyone knows they are going to do prior to marriage, unless they are of course, cheating while engaged, etc. 3
thecharade Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Because marriage is based on what we hope we can do, who we hope we are. And then reality hits and people find they were wrong about all of it, mostly wrong about themselves. But they are ashamed and confused, so they hide behind denial and sometimes selfishness. And they don't share their brokenness. I think AM is creepy and disgusting, but it makes me realize there are many people who actually are creepy and disgusting, and I can't tell who they are. That's how it is, many people doing the best that they can do (or not) and having dark, shameful secrets. Most people are broken in one way or another. Some of those ways cause hurt to others, through cheating, stealing, drinking or other addictions, abuse, control, emotional withdrawal, abandonment, guilt or shame, criticism, and the list goes on. People do the best that they can, but that doesn't mean much to all those that endure the pain of their mistakes. It works out best if we work to get ourselves healthy, insist those that want to be with us get healthy (or we do not give them the privilege of being close to us) and work to find compassion and forgiveness for those who have wronged us. There really is no better game plan that will give us all better results.
RightThere Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 From all of the threads I have read on here and the people I know in my regular life, I would say that very very few people get married knowing they are going to cheat. I think there are more than you think. I'm almost positive my STBXW got into our marriage knowing at some point she was going to cheat on me. Infidelity occurs at such an incredible rate today. I know there are people who it is totally foreign to, but we are becoming fewer and fewer. 1
Furious Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Why? I went to take a peek at Ashley Madison website and my first question was why? Why even get married in the first place and then seek out an affair? The other party in the marriage didn't sign up for this. There seems to be an increase in cake eating and an entitlement to a marriage/family and something on the side. With advances in technology and business catering to cheating it has become easier to cheat. Ashely Madison is like a McDonald's, fast food and fast infidelity. Jeez....now most McDonald's have a drive through because it's too inconvenient to park and enter the restaurant to place an order. Same with Ashley Madison, it's the drive through for cheaters in the comfort of your home computer instead of trying your luck at a bar. 2
ChooseTruth Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Possible reasons: 1) They never thought they could and never took precautions. 2) Bad coping skills, cheating to fix a problem..but actually making things worse 3) They changed, no longer the person they used to be. In any case it's selfishness and straight up cake eating, but I agree that most people don't consciously plan on cheating when they get married.
JamesM Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 To answer the question....I don't think most people go into marriage planning on cheating, but I would guess that some actually do. Most people for various reasons need something else besides the spouse (and I use the word "need" very, very loosely). It could be that the marriage is in trouble emotionally or physically. But it could also be that the person who decides to cheat, simply desires the thrill or variety offered by an affair. And if Ashley Madison works, then I guess it could fulfill the "need." The reasons are probably as diverse as the individuals who cheat. The motives are much less diverse. Many cheat out of desperation, frustration, selfishness, or a combination. Honestly, do people actually use that site? Seriously. I gotta wonder how it would when I would guess that mostly men sign up. Besides, how would you know who is on the other end? Personally, I think I would be more inclined to find someone who I met in real life or simply pay someone. To pay a site for the "privilege" of meeting a stranger doesn't seem attractive to me.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Honestly, do people actually use that site? Seriously. I gotta wonder how it would when I would guess that mostly men sign up. Besides, how would you know who is on the other end? Personally, I think I would be more inclined to find someone who I met in real life or simply pay someone. To pay a site for the "privilege" of meeting a stranger doesn't seem attractive to me. And if you look online, there are a ton of complaints that the site doesn't deliver as advertised. I'd guess it's mostly designed to gather marketable data so subscribers can be further bombarded with additional bogus offers... Mr. Lucky
RightThere Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 And if you look online, there are a ton of complaints that the site doesn't deliver as advertised. A website designed to promote infidelity and facilitate broken homes isn't honorable and delivering what it advertises? Shocking! 6
Nyla Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 (edited) Why? I went to take a peek at Ashley Madison website and my first question was why? Why even get married in the first place and then seek out an affair? The other party in the marriage didn't sign up for this. Some people want to have their cake and eat it too. They let their sexual desires lead them to be unfaithful. I think cheaters should just stay single, instead getting married and dragging other people down with them. I once went on an interview for Ashley Madison. The position paid well for a customer service job, but I refused to work for a company which promotes and facilitates infidelity. I grew up seeing the emotional carnage affairs can cause and that mess is no joke. Edited November 4, 2013 by Nyla 1
Mr. Lucky Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 A website designed to promote infidelity and facilitate broken homes isn't honorable and delivering what it advertises? Shocking! Don't burst my bubble. Next you're going to tell me the letters to Penthouse aren't real either... Mr. Lucky 4
Pastypop Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 This month's Cosmo actually has an article that instructs young girls on how to be successful on SeekingArrangement.com. What is the world coming to?
lindsay1990 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 (edited) I'm definitely not here to judge anybody but MAN I just read that stuff... or just about the marriages falling apart and the apathy, or the selfishness from people and it completely kills my mood. i'm going to answer as if your question was rhetorical more than anything, and just expressing your indignation at the apparent state of things. It makes me really not want to bother with marriage when I read peoples' unfiltered thoughts you know, because I know myself to be naive enough and an idealist enough to know that if anybody's gonna be on the receiving end of that it will be me. And I just knoooow I will beg my WH to not give up on our marriage and that we can fix things, and I knoooow I will be the one begging to give us a chance when the other person has checked out and I knoooow I will be blindsided when I see someone fall out of love with me because it just doesn't register in my mind. When I was little I asked my dad once "What would you do if if you lost interest in my mom?" and he was like "wtf kind of stupid question is that? she's my wife, you don't 'lose interest' in your wife'. Similarly I asked my mom what she would do if she stopped loving my dad and she said "hahaha that's ridiculous he's my husband" and I said well yeah, but what if you STOPPED loving him and she wisely told me: "I married your dad because I was in love with him, but now I love him because he's my husband". I don't know if this is the kind of jaded you were getting at by I was really, really horribly hit by the past three months of my life and now I think like: it's a frickin sham anyway, and if it's not, it will be sometime. Like it will end or get devastatingly effed at some point. So that's my feelings on your statement. Edited November 5, 2013 by lindsay1990 1
Author leftfordead2 Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 I guess I wasn't clear when I was writing the first post. I mean, for those people who actually registered themselves on the website, this shows that they are actively looking to have an affair? I mean, how could they even bear to do that knowing that it would hurt the other partner? Even if you have fallen out of love with your partner, how could you still hurt them this way when you have been together with them for so long...
Mr. Lucky Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I guess I wasn't clear when I was writing the first post. I mean, for those people who actually registered themselves on the website, this shows that they are actively looking to have an affair? I mean, how could they even bear to do that knowing that it would hurt the other partner? Even if you have fallen out of love with your partner, how could you still hurt them this way when you have been together with them for so long... How is the subset for which the website is the path to an affair different than cheaters as an overall group? The pain a BS feels isn't based on the manner in which their WS found the AP... Mr. Lucky 1
Faery Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 How is the subset for which the website is the path to an affair different than cheaters as an overall group? The pain a BS feels isn't based on the manner in which their WS found the AP... Mr. Lucky I think I disagree with you. My ex fiance trolled online for women and hooked up with them. To me that was disgusting. He also hooked up with a woman from work. I was hurt by all his actions but the "advertising" added a level of disgust and repulsion that the co-worker did not. She was a sweet girl that made a very poor decision after months of him seducing her. If someone makes a friendship that crosses a line and never dreamer of cheating before you still feel pain. And everyone is different. But if you find out your SO was actively trolling for side meat and taking what he could when he could. For me that was worse. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I understand and empathize with your pain. But others might find an anonymous ONS less of a betrayal than the lies and deception involved in an ongoing affair with a friend or co-worker. When said and done, it's all just pain... Mr. Lucky
Clay Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I think there are people that do go to those sites and craigslist among others. To there thinking why do this while in a relationship it seems to be easy in some cases and rather complex in others. I have been reading post for about the last month and I am amazed to why some people cheat. I find it even more amazing when talking to my kids they consider this behavior normal. Its almost part of our society. I do agree with others why even marry. People that cheat should have to list themselves on a public database so the rest of us can avoid them. Clay
krazikat Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I think I disagree with you. My ex fiance trolled online for women and hooked up with them. To me that was disgusting. He also hooked up with a woman from work. I was hurt by all his actions but the "advertising" added a level of disgust and repulsion that the co-worker did not. She was a sweet girl that made a very poor decision after months of him seducing her. If someone makes a friendship that crosses a line and never dreamer of cheating before you still feel pain. And everyone is different. But if you find out your SO was actively trolling for side meat and taking what he could when he could. For me that was worse. I totally agree with that. Just adds a whole new level of ick factor to the whole mess.
Spark1111 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Oh, you know.....either you take the vows seriously, commit to your partner in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, in good times and in bad.... OR you grow bored and complacent ( HELLOOOOOO? Who DOESN'T in a LONG-term relationship?) and decide your PERSONAL sexual and emotional needs outweigh your lifetime vow and seek sordid self-fulfillment elsewhere... Because you deserve it. You are THAT special. Give me a break..... 3
karnak Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I think there are more than you think. I'm almost positive my STBXW got into our marriage knowing at some point she was going to cheat on me. Infidelity occurs at such an incredible rate today. I know there are people who it is totally foreign to, but we are becoming fewer and fewer. I have to agree with you on this one. Many non-cheaters refuse to accept this as truth because of the horror that it implies, involving the world around us. But, yes. Many people enter marriages the same way one enters a new job. "We'll see how it works out". Most of the time it doesn't works out well at all. Consider this case: my ex married a guy (she has a daughter now). I know that she didn't love him. Just needed the comfort and security he provided her. She's 38 and they've been married for 6 years now. She's probably fed up with her husband by now, both in emotional and sexual terms. She only really has 2 options: divorce or an affair. I probably wouldn't be susrprised if her husband has already been cuckolded. I mean, if you're sharing life with a person who you have no real affection for, what's keeping you from hurting them? Ethics? If that was the case you wouldn't marry a person you didn't love. Nowadays, divorce doesn't involve social shame. Heck, I think divorce is becoming more and more like a "social rite", nowadays. Remember that there was once a time when you would marry your first boyfriend/girlfriend. It was considered shameful to have more than one boyfriend or gilrfriend. Then, as time progressed it was expected that men and women would try several partners before they found the "one". A similar thing is happening to marriages, nowadays. It's becoming normal that people go through 2 or more marriages in life, having kids from the different relationships. I really estimate that about 95% of the users of this forum, who are still married (in their first or their second marriages) will be divorced before 2023. That's the way things work now.
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