am i ever getting over him

[Try]

This whole thing did open my eyes to what a great husband i do have and i am very lucky. I want to get the courage to tell him, i owe it to him. All i know is that i did not want to do it but i did, ended it so no one would get hurt even more, and its so not worth it to do it again. I just want to get to the point where i can let AP totally go. I do still miss him but am staying strong and fighting for my marriage. Just wish i had some closure from AP.

You are in an emotional affair (EA) that also became a physical affair (PA). You want to try to end the PA, but in your heart you want to continue with the EA. You say that you are not telling your husband because you do not want to hurt him. That is right out of the cheaters script. All cheaters say this, but it is not true. The real reason that you are not telling your husband, is because by not telling him about the other man (OM), you are deliberately leaving the door open to continue keeping the OM in you life. Telling your husband about the OM would make it much more difficult to resume the affair. Most cheaters break up with their affair partners out of guilt, only to go back to their affair partners again and again. This is a normal part of a typical affair relationship. You think that your situation is unique, but it is not. Sorry to say, but you are a cliche.

 

Rest assured, your affair partner (AP) will be contacting you again. Your affair partner is skilled at playing this game. He knows that when he receives the expected guilt ridden breakup notice, that the best thing for him to do is to not respond right away. He knows that this lack of response by him will make you fill in the blanks better than he could such that you can resume the fantasy again when he finally does respond. Your OM knows that you have given him home field advantage over your husband. While he knows about your husband and thus knows what he must say and do to win your affection away from your husband, your husband does not even know that the OM even exists much less that his marraige is under attack by the OM. Your husband must exist in real life and cannot compete with the fantasy that the OM gets to be.

 

If you really want to end the affair and get the other man out of your heart, tell your husband. Until then, please immediately stop with the marraige counseling (MC). Until you are willing to tell your husband, you are wasting his time and not giving him a chance to address the real issue of his marraige. Also, with every visit to the MC while not telling him about the affair, you increasing the odds that once he does find out about the affair, that he will consider MC a cruel joke and not want to use it when it would have finally had a chance to actually be useful.

Edited November 3, 2013 by Try

[trying6]

Ive since taken myself off this online game so he cant see me and i deleted all msgs from him when i broke it off. So the only way i can communicate with him is through this game and i can see he still plays under his same name so i can contact him at any time. Since he hasng changed his name it makes me feel like he wants to keep that communication avenue open. Please dont think im making excuses either. I know no matter how hard our marriage is theres no excusd to cheat. It just complicates it even more. One of the reasons why we were n MC was i wasnt taking enough time for myself and stressing myself out. The counselor told me i needed to stop taking care of everyone else a little and spend some time doing something i wanted to do. Well meeting another man was not on my list of things to do let me tell you. I started taking down time for myself and found myself relaxing and playing one of these online games that ive never done before. Well as you can see that was the biggest mistake ive ever made, not intentionally though. Judge all you want, i know it was incredibly wrong and i have no excuse but i think i was lost and caught up in it all.

[trying6]

Also i feel like if i sent him a msg now i would get all these hurt and mad feelings off my chewt and maybe that will help speed up recovery. But if he doesnt respond again i will be taking so many steps backwards. I just want him to know that he was just as big of a part in all this than i was and for him to not respond makes me furious and so hurt. Its good in a way only because thats a trait i dont want in a man. He actually persued me more than I did him. Days would go by without me contacting him and he would fnally send me a msg and ask where ive been. I have a feeling he may be feeling just as guilty as me right now about everything. I do want him to be happily married, i told him that in the breakup email.

[loveofhorses1970]

You've said all you needed to say in the break up email. It's done, over. Walk away. Focus on you and your husband. The EA/PA was a fantasy, not real. You were played. I know, I was played also and in the exact same way...except I'm not married and he lives with an ex-wife. These men are skilled at what they do and they know what type of woman to seek out, women with something lacking in their life. Walk away, don't look back. There is nothing good that can come of any further communication with him.

[trying6]

Thank you, i do have a conscience, one of the main reasons i broke it off too was i knew if i went further i couldnt live with the fact i was destroying another family too, his. If he wasnt willing to not destroy his own family, i was. I didnt want that for them anymore. I feel bad for his wife as many of you feel bad for my husband too, no doubt. But rest assured im going in the right direction slowly, just need reminders every now and then to stay straight. I cant say the same for him AP if he wouldnt break it off first.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Its not a certain type they seek, its the type that respond. Its who will take the bait, its not YOU in particular that they look to bait. Its just YOU that did take the bait.

 

Women need to stop blaming men for their choices. Men don't make women do sh*t, women have to learn to accept responsibility for their own choices.

[loveofhorses1970]

I take responsibility for my choices. But I respectfully disagree with your view. To each his/her own, doesn't mean we/you are right. Yes, I have flaws..and yes, he sought that ought in a specific women, as he has before and will continue to do so.

[Artie Lang]

do you still play this online game? sounds like you still check up on his status, so you haven't gone completely NC.

 

what does your counselor say about telling your husband?

 

 

heading in the "right direction" starts with being honest.

Edited November 3, 2013 by Artie Lang

[harrybrown]

You are still in unicorn land, thinking more about your POSOM than your H.

 

So tell your H already, before you do more damage. Get your head on straight.

 

Your H is a much better man than the POSOM. He is scum, a cheater, a liar and he played you.

 

So tell your H so you can start with reality.

[Yesterday]

I am not scared to be alone. I have always been a strong independent woman. I have a great job. I have always been the stronger one in the marriage.....my husband dropped the ball on me several times and i always had to continue at a sready pace to keep things going, still no excuse i know. I am not affaid of being alone. I think AP is more about having the qualities that ive been trying to get out of my husband, like a hard worker, go getter, patience and intellectually. But AP also was a liar to his wife, which does bother me. I know im better off with no contact with AP. I did end it in the first place.

 

Bull S^^t, you and your husband were supposedly working on your comuncation together. Except you were communicating with a stranger on line through a games site. You allowed this predator to get laid within 2 months of on line texting because you wanted validation.

 

Your husband had no knowledge of your affair, but you knew the full story, and failed your commitment to your husband, you failed to update him of your affair and allow him to decide what is best for him. Now you are in a fog about a guy who got laid, your husband is still trying to resolve your marriage issues, and doesn't know you have completely wronged him.

 

Tell him, and oust the betrayed spouse of your AP!

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

i have no excuse but ...

 

Despite all your protests to the contrary, you have given nothing but excuses.

 

IT'S OK TO NOT LOVE YOUR HUSBAND. IT'S NOT OK TO KEEP LYING TO HIM AND KEEPING OPEN THE DOOR TO CHEAT ON HIM.

 

Divorce him and set him free.

 

Is honesty not the best policy? Is it possible my mom was wrong about that? Maybe lying and keeping things hidden and deceit are the best policy?

[compulsivedancer]

I appreciate everyones response. Only I know the whole story. I did not plan on this nor was i lookng outside my marriage. He initiated contact through online game. It started as innocent as can be for both. It took many conversations for it to turn romantic. Either way i know therez a good chance i got played at a very vulnerable time for me. I was contemplating my own marriage at the time he came into the picture. Awful timing. I do love my husband very much. I think i honestly was lost. This whole thing did open my eyes to what a great husband i do have and i am very lucky. I want to get the courage to tell him, i owe it to him. All i know is that i did not want to do it but i did, ended it so no one would get hurt even more, and its so not worth it to do it again. I just want to get to the point where i can let AP totally go. I do still miss him but am staying strong and fighting for my marriage. Just wish i had some closure from AP.

 

Look through some of my early threads. Most of them were about getting over my OM. My situation was a lot different, and it was post DDay, but I received some great advice.

 

And for what it's worth, even though I never got my closure, I think that seeing him again would probably make it harder to move on, and might also be tempting to restart the affair. I'd prefer not to go there again.

 

If you look around, too, you'll see that in most cases, it's much better for the WW to disclose. Take a look at some of Coolit's posts. She disclosed.

[compulsivedancer]

Also, it's good to post in the forum, not the OW/OM forum. I think the perspectives here are more aligned with reconciliation, if that's what you're going for.

[jnel921]

We connected so well and he will forever have a piece of me.

 

If he contacted me i would so want to go back to talking to him.since we never really talked about our spouses i don't know if hes happy or thinking of me. I know its selfish but i hope he didn't respond because he was too upset i ended it. I guess i will never know but why did he not even send a goodbye?

 

You met him online. You basically were having phone sex most of the time. He didn't want to know about your married or family life. The piece he only wanted my dear, he got when he met up with you. Seriously, are you surprised he hasn't called you?

 

It's obvious you are not thinking clearly here and don't see this for what it is. Its a shame that you are willing to risk divorce, hurt your children's futures and ruin your family for sexual gratification.

 

You need to focus on your M and continue MC with your H and stop looking for strangers to connect with online. Your H and children are right there in front of your face. What are doing?

[Try]

Also i feel like if i sent him a msg now i would get all these hurt and mad feelings off my chewt and maybe that will help speed up recovery.

That is illogical cheaters thinking said by someone still deeply in the affair fog. I would be very surprised if even one poster on this thread thought that your logic above made any sense at all. It is obvious that you are looking for any excuse that you can to recontact your affair partner. You sound like an alcoholic that has supposedly given up drinking, that is always having that one last final drink. You either observe no contact or you do not observe no contact. If there is any more contact from you, then you have not really ended it.

 

But if he doesnt respond again i will be taking so many steps backwards. I just want him to know that he was just as big of a part in all this than i was and for him to not respond makes me furious and so hurt.

If he does not respond to your next msg ending it yet again, you will be "furious" and "so hurt". You do not sound like someone that really is ending it to me. Edited November 4, 2013 by Try

[peruano99]

Also i feel like if i sent him a msg now i would get all these hurt and mad feelings off my chewt and maybe that will help speed up recovery. But if he doesnt respond again i will be taking so many steps backwards. I just want him to know that he was just as big of a part in all this than i was and for him to not respond makes me furious and so hurt. Its good in a way only because thats a trait i dont want in a man. He actually persued me more than I did him. Days would go by without me contacting him and he would fnally send me a msg and ask where ive been. I have a feeling he may be feeling just as guilty as me right now about everything. I do want him to be happily married, i told him that in the breakup email.

 

You said you love your husband, but you like this guy as well.... logic not even once. Tell your husband and give him some time off from you. He needs to find a good woman in his life.

[Clay]

Thank you, i do have a conscience, one of the main reasons i broke it off too was i knew if i went further i couldnt live with the fact i was destroying another family too, his. If he wasnt willing to not destroy his own family, i was. I didnt want that for them anymore. I feel bad for his wife as many of you feel bad for my husband too, no doubt. But rest assured im going in the right direction slowly, just need reminders every now and then to stay straight. I cant say the same for him AP if he wouldnt break it off first.

 

I know a lot of people are here to help and I do get that and appreciate what they do. I guess I do not see your situation as perhaps I would others. It does not really sound like you are in love with your husband. I do find It extremely hard to understand how a person can look into the eyes of there mate and say they love them and at the same time lie to them about such a horrible thing. Have you considered just leaving your husband. That is probably the best course for you. If you are not going to be honest with him and let him choose. Then you should at least do the descent thing and let him go find someone who can be faithful.

 

Clay

[Yesterday]

Thank you, i do have a conscience, one of the main reasons i broke it off too was i knew if i went further i couldnt live with the fact i was destroying another family too, his. If he wasnt willing to not destroy his own family, i was. I didnt want that for them anymore. I feel bad for his wife as many of you feel bad for my husband too, no doubt. But rest assured im going in the right direction slowly, just need reminders every now and then to stay straight. I cant say the same for him AP if he wouldnt break it off first.

 

Trying6,

First, I apologize for my strong statements - I shouldn't be putting some of my own frustrations into my responses.

 

You are here asking for closure with this guy when I believe you already have it from your own email. He didn't reply, but that is your closure.

 

You remain in the affair fog, you continue speak of this AP as the one for you with the attributes you would like to see in your husband. Yes you feel excited from the sexting, the pics, the pent up anticipation during the hours of driving to meet and the boost of secrecy. But in reality what you have is a guy who you have only known for 2 months, he cheats on his wife, his kids, he is someone who seeks out vulnerable women through supposedly innocent games in hopes to get laid. Please see him for what he is, not what you think he could be. Then forget about him, your affair adds to your problem with your marriage.

 

The only hope you have to fix things for you, your BS, and your kids is to work 100 % for your marriage. You will find that no partner is perfect, you will eventually see faults no matter who you chose, it takes effort in the marriage to make it work.

 

 

Good luck

Edited November 4, 2013 by Yesterday