am i ever getting over him

[trying6]

I had an affair, not proud of it at all and its cliche but wasnt looking for one either. Both of us married and my husband and i were going through counseling at the time for other issues in our relationship, mainly communication. I met my AP online and we exchanged pics and chatted daily for two months. We connected on such a deep level. Never said the l word and we both were very aware and respected we were in marriages so we didnt twlk about our marriage problems or our spouses but we knew they existed.

 

Most of the time we just talked about our day, kids, news, but quite often we talked sexually to each other. We were so attracted to each other it was crazy. I had the opportunity to meet each other while driving through his town which is several hours away. We met and ended up sleeping with each other. I left and a few days after that when i got home, i talked to him and sent him an email saying i was falling for him and its best we stopped talking for now. He never responded to my email and i haven't heard from him since. Its been a month.

 

I have stayed strong and not contacted him but it has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I want to talk to him so bad, just talk and ask hows he doing. I really fell hard for him and don't think i will ever get him completely out of my heart. The hardest thing about all of this is of course the guilt i have for cheating. I had no excuse to do it. My husband is a great person, buf i was not feeling connected to him as a wife anymore. He has maturity issues but we both are working hard to build this relationship back up. He does not know what i did. I cant tell him. Itwould kill him. I would rather carry it around on me then him.

 

I feel awful but i truly feel my AP and i would be together if we met years ago. He felt the same too, he told me several times. I need help staying no contact with him and i got no closure the affair because he never responded to my email that ended it. I don't know what i expect him to write back but at least something? We connected so well and he will forever have a piece of me. I need help giving my husband 100% of my energy without thinking of AP. I suppose it will take more time.

 

If he contacted me i would so want to go back to talking to him.since we never really talked about our spouses i don't know if hes happy or thinking of me. I know its selfish but i hope he didn't respond because he was too upset i ended it. I guess i will never know but why did he not even send a goodbye?

Edited November 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[greenfairie]

Wow, I'm so sorry about him not responding. Just from reading your post, he sure does sound like an ass. The fact you guys spoke sexually and you slept together so soon is kind of a risky thing to do because you would want to spend time with the person, build a friendship in person. It sounds like he used you for your body and did not have any regard for your feelings. I am so sorry, you deserve so much better. I can't say how to deal with your husband, but it sounds like maybe some hobbies or just taking care of yourself is more important than anything else right now…. With time, it gets easier and you'll find yourself not thinking about AP so much later on..

[loveofhorses1970]

You're story sounds almost exactly like mine. It's painful. I'm sorry you're going through this. Focus on your recovery.

[BetrayedH]

I'm sorry it's not what you want to hear but your marriage will remain a sham until you come clean with your husband; keeping such a huge lie beween you will preclude true intimacy. Do you want that for a lifetime? As well, he doesn't deserve to have his wife pining over some fantasy other man. If your H was given the respect to make his own informed decision, he might choose to be with a woman that truly just loves him. Your judgment is that he doesn't get to make that decision for himself. Wth due respect, how's your judgment been lately?

 

As for the OM, he obviously didn't want to leave his marriage for you or he would have done so. He's probably breathing a sigh of relief. Best case scenario, he's giving you the space you asked for.

[trying6]

I never thought he would leave his wife, didnt expect him to. And as for my husband, i agree, in time i will tell. I agree that i cannt give him 100% of me yet, but im trying.

Edited November 3, 2013 by trying6

[whichwayisup]

I never thought he would leave his wife, didnt expect him to. And as for my husband, i agree, in time i will tell. I agree that i cannt give him 100% of me yet, but im trying.

 

So what was the point of it all? An ego feed? A distraction during marriage counseling? You were supposed to be getting help for your marriage and you made it worse by opening up your heart to another man, and now you're attached and think you're in love with someone you barely know. You fell in love with how he made you feel and the thing is, your husband can't compete with that, ever! You fell for fantasy and how you built this guy up in your own mind. Nobody could compete with that. Now you MUST kill that fantasy. The MM is NOT perfect and he is a cheater, someone who has lied to his wife and betrayed her... You both chose to do something damaging to your marriages and also to yourselves. Hate to say it but him going AWOL now is a good thing.

Grieve the loss, let go and focus on your marriage and reconnecting with your husband. If you put in half the energy into your marriage that you did into your MM, your M might actually work out and be better.

 

Why did you marry your husband? What is it that you loved about him? Focus on that.

[AlwaysGrowing]

For all you know, the OM was sitting in sh*t stained underwear, slurping canned soup, burping and farting during your whole on-line romance. Feeding a dozen or more MW the same lines he was feeding you. He was whoever you thought he was. The fact you slept with a virtual stranger says so much about your poor boundaries.

 

Go ahead a pine away for Prince Charming (you know, that avatar you fell for), keep telling yourself it was real, (just like I really killed a troll yesterday).

 

Too bad your husband is unaware that he needs to use protection to have a sexual relationship with his wife. If you value him at all, do not risk his health. You risked yours, that was completely your right. His? Sorry, you don't have that right.

[trying6]

Ive doing a lot of soul searching the last month and im as hard on myself as u all are. I think it was an ego boost in all honesty. My marriage was in trouble and i wasnt feelng connected to my H and i did something to make it worse but felt good too. Very selfish i know and i have to live with the fact i let myself get attached.

[Artie Lang]

you continue to pine for this man because it's still a secret..... you are still romanticizing the affair. as long as you keep it to your self, you will continue living in the affair bubble- fantasyland, so-to-speak.

[Bryanp]

I assume that you would not mind if your husband did the same thing to you behind your back and put your health at risk for STD's because he needed an ego boost. How awfully nice of you not to tell your husband immediately because you don't feel like it. Nevertheless you state that it still felt good doing it. You clearly are a very caring person and certainly not shallow in the least..........not.

[compulsivedancer]

As a fWW, I can tell you that if you want to get over the MOM, the best thing you can do is tell your H. After that, yes, it may take a while, but you'll be so busy trying to clean up the mess you made and hopefully reconnecting with your H (or working through your D) to think about MOM.

 

The only way you can start to heal yourself, and heal your relationship, is to let your H know. Give him the information to decide if he thinks your R is work fighting for.

[D-Lish]

Ive doing a lot of soul searching the last month and im as hard on myself as u all are. I think it was an ego boost in all honesty. My marriage was in trouble and i wasnt feelng connected to my H and i did something to make it worse but felt good too. Very selfish i know and i have to live with the fact i let myself get attached.

 

Let me just say, first and foremost- I am sorry you are hurting.

 

Look, in all honesty, as humans- we all make mistakes, some more serious than others.

 

I think you got attached the idea of the person you believed this other man to be, rather than who he actually is.

 

You were going through a tough time, you reached out to fill the void, and found something to fill it. Humans operate that way in general. Someone else in your shoes might have filled the missing piece with alcohol, drugs, video games, porn...

 

Every single human being latches onto something in order to feel whole. That's not a justification for cheating, but it's how human beings operate while in distress.

 

You did something wrong, but doing something wrong doesn't mean you are a bad person. As human beings, we are constantly battling urges that conflict with morality.

[Artie Lang]

^and by the same token, as "mistake-prone" humans, we should take responsibility for these horrible choices by being truthful and honest- facing the consequences of said "mistake," no?

 

 

it's not about being good or bad, it's about right and wrong. it's wrong to keep your husband in tue dark.

[Yesterday]

I had an affair, not proud of it at all and its cliche but wasnt looking for one either. Both of us married and my husband and i were going through counseling at the time for other issues in our relationship, mainly communication. I met my AP online and we exchanged pics and chatted daily for two months. We connected on such a deep level. Never said the l word and we both were very aware and respected we were in marriages so we didnt twlk about our marriage problems or our spouses but we knew they exisited. Most of the time we just talked about our day, kids, news, but quite often we talked sexually to each other. We were so attracted to each other it was crazy. I had the opportunity to meet each other while driving through his town which is several hours away. We met and ended up sleeping with each other. I left and a few days after that when i got home, i talked to him and sent him an email saying i was falling for him and its best we stopped talking for now. He never responded to my email and i havent heard from him since. Its been a month. I havd stayed strong and not contacted him but it has been the hardest thing ive evdr done. I want to talk to him so bad, just talk and ask hows he doing. I really fell hard for him and dont think i will ever get him completely out of my heart. The hardest thing about all of this is of course the guilt i have for cheating. I had no excuse to do it. My husband is a great person, buf i was not feeling connected to him as a wife anymore. He has maturity issues but we both are working hard to build this relationship back up. He does not know what i did. I cant tell him. Itwould kill him. I would rather carry it around on me then him. I feel awful but i truly feel my AP and i would be together if we met years ago. He felt the same too, he told me several times. I need help staying no contacg with him and i got no closure the affair becauss he never responded to my email that ended it. I dont know what i expect him to write back but at least something? We connected so well and he will foreved have a piece of me. I need help giving my husband 100% of my energy without thinking of AP. I suppose it will take more time. If he contacted me i would so want to go back to talking to him.since we never really talked about our spouses i dont know if hes happy or thinking of me. I know its selfish but i hope he didnt respond because he was too upset i ended it. I guess i will never know but why did he not even send a goodbye?

 

You say you and your husband were having issues with communication, and getting professional help. Meanwhile you are texting/sexting and communicating with a stranger you met at some on-line hookup? Whom you claim you are falling for but hadn't said the L word? How did this exactly help your communicating issues with your husband and your counseling? How can you possibly believe this other man had any other intentions than getting laid from a married women on line for extra marital sex?

 

Do you realize how shallow your situation was?? I mean read your own words, it only took 2 months of emails/texts/pictures and you are already arranging to travel several hours to hook up? Now you are pining over a stranger you banged only a couple of hours? In 2 months he means more to you romantically than your husband??

 

By the way, what were the AP marriage issues? You say you knew of them although you didn't talk about them?

 

It looks like your betrayed husband was the only one working on your marriage. He was attending help sessions while you were starting an affair with a total stranger.

 

You claim you are burdened with this secrecy, when in reality, you are simply afraid and ashamed to tell your husband as you know the fall-out. He was trying to save the marriage, you were in the process of breaking the essence of your marriage.

 

Your AP got what he wanted, now its time for you to be honest to yourself about what you want from your marriage. Had you communicated with your husband as intently as you did with a total stranger, you no doubt would be in a happy place right now. Not the s*** sandwich you have just served you betrayed husband.

 

Get tested for STD's, the risks are high in what you involved yourself in. It is time to be honest with your husband, you've destroyed all trust he could ever have for you. You have just changed your lives forever - for yourself, for him and for your children if you have any - not for the better. Time to let your husband make a fully disclosed choice about your marriage.

 

Good luck, I am sorry for your confusion, and even more for the situation you have put your husband, friends and family in.

[peruano99]

Do your husband a favor and tell him about your affair. You clearly don't love him and it is best to separate.

[BetrayedH]

Do your best not to get too focused on how hard some posters will be on you. Realize that many posters have been here a while and know that straight talk is sometimes exactly what is needed to get you to swipe away this fantasy fog that your head is in. You've come here out of a crisis of conscience. Posters want to seize upon that to wake you up.

 

Of course, not all of the posters will be so well-intentioned. Many of us are here because we were on the receiving end of betrayal. Some people will lash out from a position of pain and hurt.

 

But almost all of the posts are things you need to hear. Intellectually, you know this affair is no good for you and is unsustainable. Use this place to build your courage. If a piece of advice doesn't work for you, discard it. But keep reading and posting. And do your best to make decisions with your head instead of your emotions. You CAN do this.

[Zenstudent]

I had an affair, not proud of it at all and its cliche but wasnt looking for one either. Both of us married and my husband and i were going through counseling at the time for other issues in our relationship, mainly communication. I met my AP online and we exchanged pics and chatted daily for two months. We connected on such a deep level. Never said the l word and we both were very aware and respected we were in marriages so we didnt twlk about our marriage problems or our spouses but we knew they exisited. Most of the time we just talked about our day, kids, news, but quite often we talked sexually to each other. We were so attracted to each other it was crazy. I had the opportunity to meet each other while driving through his town which is several hours away. We met and ended up sleeping with each other. I left and a few days after that when i got home, i talked to him and sent him an email saying i was falling for him and its best we stopped talking for now. He never responded to my email and i havent heard from him since. Its been a month. I havd stayed strong and not contacted him but it has been the hardest thing ive evdr done. I want to talk to him so bad, just talk and ask hows he doing. I really fell hard for him and dont think i will ever get him completely out of my heart. The hardest thing about all of this is of course the guilt i have for cheating. I had no excuse to do it. My husband is a great person, buf i was not feeling connected to him as a wife anymore. He has maturity issues but we both are working hard to build this relationship back up. He does not know what i did. I cant tell him. Itwould kill him. I would rather carry it around on me then him. I feel awful but i truly feel my AP and i would be together if we met years ago. He felt the same too, he told me several times. I need help staying no contacg with him and i got no closure the affair becauss he never responded to my email that ended it. I dont know what i expect him to write back but at least something? We connected so well and he will foreved have a piece of me. I need help giving my husband 100% of my energy without thinking of AP. I suppose it will take more time. If he contacted me i would so want to go back to talking to him.since we never really talked about our spouses i dont know if hes happy or thinking of me. I know its selfish but i hope he didnt respond because he was too upset i ended it. I guess i will never know but why did he not even send a goodbye?

I find your opening post troublesome. You have posted in the infidelity forum and yet the only questions I have found in your post are related to your AP and how you wish you could reconnect? Personally I would have found it more relevant to the OM/OW forum, where you might have found the answers to what you are looking for.

 

I can't tell you why he isn't pursuing you, it could be for a lot of different reasons. But what I can tell you is this. You're expecting your husband to fight for your marriage blindfolded since you deny him information to complete the picture of the situation at hand. What kind of partnership is that?

 

You say that you feel guilty about it, and that's your mind trying to tell you something. And if you listen closely, I think you'll find that you inner self is trying to tell you, that you've done something you consider wrong yourself, and that you should do something about it, learn from it, and prevent it from happening again.

 

Correct your wrong doings, inform your husband, work on being more authentic and let both you and your husband live a life closer to reality. You owe him that much, and you owe it to yourself. You know what the right thing to do is, you just fear it - tell your husband and/or leave him and let him live an authentic life on his own.

[Scott Thomas]

Q1) Could you elaborate on where you met the OM; was it an affair site or was it a random chat forum?

 

Q2) You fell for him in 2 months by chatting with him online? You slept with him the first (and only) time you met? For all you know, he could have HIV or is an escaped convict?

 

Q3) After two months, he means more to your than your husband? After two months sitting in front of your computer, typing e-mails to a random stranger, you're willing to abandon the man you married and had children with?

 

Q4) Will you lie to your husband, waste his money on MC and spend years keeping up the subterfuge that your marriage is, or do you intend on confessing?

[harrybrown]

You were played. He wanted sex, he got it, and he has moved on.

 

You were not what he wanted, that is why there is NC.

 

Have you been tested for stds? Did you use protection? Are you pregnant?

 

You were emotionally involved, he got the sex he wanted and he has many other APs.

 

You were living in the land of the unicorns. Have you made sure that your H will not get stds from you? Did you do things for the POSOM that you would not do for your husband? You drove and gave yourself to another that your H thought was special, for just the two of you.

 

So what do you do for your H? Tell him and then divorce him. Let him be with someone that would not cheat on him and give him stds.

[Stillscared]

I'm sorry you're hurting. You betrayed yourself, and your spouse and it's ugly to look at. As a BS myself, I can tell you the thing that I find most difficult to get over is that my husband didn't come clean. I have sincd forgiven him, and am working on rebuilding our marriage, but I feel that had he had the courage to come clean with me, I could have re-established trust faster. Consider this.

1) Meet with your counselor separately and disclose the affair and your desire to come clean with your husband. Ask for MCs help to do so in the safety of a counseling session. It sounds like your MM loves you enough to be in counseling.

2) Read everything you can on how the BS is going to react. How you respond will make a huge difference in how quickly he's able to forgive and move on.

3) Forgive yourself. And focus on rebuilding your marriage.

[trying6]

I appreciate everyones response. Only I know the whole story. I did not plan on this nor was i lookng outside my marriage. He initiated contact through online game. It started as innocent as can be for both. It took many conversations for it to turn romantic. Either way i know therez a good chance i got played at a very vulnerable time for me. I was contemplating my own marriage at the time he came into the picture. Awful timing. I do love my husband very much. I think i honestly was lost. This whole thing did open my eyes to what a great husband i do have and i am very lucky. I want to get the courage to tell him, i owe it to him. All i know is that i did not want to do it but i did, ended it so no one would get hurt even more, and its so not worth it to do it again. I just want to get to the point where i can let AP totally go. I do still miss him but am staying strong and fighting for my marriage. Just wish i had some closure from AP.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

We can all see right through you.

 

This post is 99% about wanting to continue with the other man, and 1% about feeling bad.

 

If my wife felt like you do, that she felt more connected with other man than with me, then I would gladly let her go. I wouldn't want to stay married to a woman who loved another man more than me, who felt that the other man was her true soulmate, that if only they had met sooner THEY would be together and I would not be in the picture. I'd rather be alone than be with a woman who felt like that.

 

The reason you do not tell your husband is to PROTECT YOURSELF, not to protect him from being hurt. Sure, if my wife told me she felt the way you feel, I would be hurt, but I still would be glad that she did not let me waste any more years with her in a sham of a marriage.

 

Don't kid yourself. Your husband would rather know the truth and be able to deal with it than to continue living some lie that only you know.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

You are just too scared to leave your husband without having another man to be with.

[Furious]

I had an affair, not proud of it at all and its cliche but wasnt looking for one either. Both of us married and my husband and i were going through counseling at the time for other issues in our relationship, mainly communication. I met my AP online and we exchanged pics and chatted daily for two months. We connected on such a deep level. Never said the l word and we both were very aware and respected we were in marriages so we didnt twlk about our marriage problems or our spouses but we knew they exisited. Most of the time we just talked about our day, kids, news, but quite often we talked sexually to each other. We were so attracted to each other it was crazy. I had the opportunity to meet each other while driving through his town which is several hours away. We met and ended up sleeping with each other. I left and a few days after that when i got home, i talked to him and sent him an email saying i was falling for him and its best we stopped talking for now. He never responded to my email and i havent heard from him since. Its been a month. I havd stayed strong and not contacted him but it has been the hardest thing ive evdr done. I want to talk to him so bad, just talk and ask hows he doing. I really fell hard for him and dont think i will ever get him completely out of my heart. The hardest thing about all of this is of course the guilt i have for cheating. I had no excuse to do it. My husband is a great person, buf i was not feeling connected to him as a wife anymore. He has maturity issues but we both are working hard to build this relationship back up. He does not know what i did. I cant tell him. Itwould kill him. I would rather carry it around on me then him. I feel awful but i truly feel my AP and i would be together if we met years ago. He felt the same too, he told me several times. I need help staying no contacg with him and i got no closure the affair becauss he never responded to my email that ended it. I dont know what i expect him to write back but at least something? We connected so well and he will foreved have a piece of me. I need help giving my husband 100% of my energy without thinking of AP. I suppose it will take more time. If he contacted me i would so want to go back to talking to him.since we never really talked about our spouses i dont know if hes happy or thinking of me. I know its selfish but i hope he didnt respond because he was too upset i ended it. I guess i will never know but why did he not even send a goodbye?

 

 

It takes time to get know someone and getting to know someone in a vacuum on-line is littered with red flags.

 

It's easy to hear what you want to hear and say what you think he wants to hear. I bet if you re-read your correspondence with fresh eyes you'd see that you were both playing off each other.

 

Just because you felt he was honest doesn't mean he was honest. The fact that you were dishonest with your own husband and he with his own wife was a silent agreement between you that dishonesty and deceit was something you both had in common.

 

Basically, you were vulnerable to an affair. An affair is attractive because it's a short cut to what you feel you want or need. The thing is what you want and need should be compatible in the long run to live a fulfilled life.

 

The truth is we don't always get what we want when we want it. That's life.

 

Whether you build a business, raise children, make a commitment to your spouse, they will be tough times mixed in with the good times. Anything worth something takes effort, scarfice and integrity.

 

An affair is a short story. A marriage is a novel. So, which is it, is your life a short story or a novel.?

[trying6]

I am not scared to be alone. I have always been a strong independent woman. I have a great job. I have always been the stronger one in the marriage.....my husband dropped the ball on me several times and i always had to continue at a sready pace to keep things going, still no excuse i know. I am not affaid of being alone. I think AP is more about having the qualities that ive been trying to get out of my husband, like a hard worker, go getter, patience and intellectually. But AP also was a liar to his wife, which does bother me. I know im better off with no contact with AP. I did end it in the first place.