greenfairie Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 I've been in love with this guy for 4-5 years since I was 15 and he was only 18…. We grew up together since we were little kids in elementary, so we always knew each other. We just didn't hang out until high school. Basically, we were each other's first love, first everything except for the kissing part, we lived together for a couple of years too…. My family loved him like another son, they would even go on vacations WITHOUT me!! That's how comfortable we all were… It truly was a great relationship. That went great, until my health went downhill and I basically had to move elsewhere to focus more taking care of myself which was a really sad moment in our lives since we loved living together so much.. We were attached to the hips, in constant communication almost every day. After I graduated high school, I went through depression. I hated my life and everyone around me. I decided to drop out of college, I was such a heavy pothead which was counter-productive to my dreams and goals, and I made one of the hardest decisions which was to break up with my long-time boyfriend….I was 19, and I was about to give up a huge part of my life which I knew would have severe consequences and I was expecting that… I loved him so much and really didn't want to lose him, but I really had to get myself back together, as I was in a horrible place where I felt ashamed to be seen by anyone, including my family. That was really hard on me, and him. He tried for several months to get us back together… Even sent me depressing texts of how he doesn't want to lose his "future wife" and there were even jealous texts fabricating stories of how this guy I went out on two dates with would message him thanking him for letting him have me… WTH? I thought, Who in their right mind actually does that? At the time, I felt smothered and that I knew the time wasn't right to work things out because I needed to be 100% healed first before we can start over. I had to remind him, we're single now. I just had a weird feeling something was fishy from what he told me. He got angry at me for not trusting him, but I knew he was lying when he got that defensive. He would also send me drunk texts asking me to have sex, telling me he misses and loves me.. He stopped after those few months and that's when I started freaking out, I wanted to work things out again… He stopped responding, and I freaked out. I would send texts for weeks at a time, I wouldnt stop… So embarrassing and stupid, I know! He would be telling me too how much he loves me and that we just need to grow up on our own a little bit.. He even told two of my closest girl friends around the same time that I'm his soulmate, he just knows it can't work right now and that he would like to get back together some day. He loves me a lot and was saying all these good things about me. Little did I know, he was screwing my old best friend behind my back. Don't get me wrong, I know we weren't in a relationship so he truly is entitled to **** anybody he wants. I just don't want to know any itty bitty details about what's going on in his sex life…. Keep me OUT OF IT!! I'd have a mutual friend tell me one day, "Yo I think your ex's dating her…." I didn't believe it at first because my best friend and I grew up together…. for real, we'd hang out ALL the time. She'd be the third wheel often hanging out with me and my ex. My ex depised her, always talked **** on her, always kind of convinced me not to hang out with her because she was such a bad influence… She would often lie, do drugs, get drunk, make people do things they end up regretting, she would hide a lot of things.. She wasn't a really upfront type of person and I always had these trust issues with her the whole time I was friends with her but never really figured out why and what it was all about… Then after a while, I'd hear from MORE people that it's really true… I was so disgusted, embarrassed to show my face to my mutual friends and anyone we both knew, cried my eyes out for weeks, and never felt so naive in my life, because I was venting out all my feelings about the break up because it was still rough on me…. to HER..Little did I know she had an agenda wanting to screw my ex!! That hurt SO bad…. I don't think anything else could have hurt more than that experience. They were doing this for MONTHS… So he started dating her a few months AFTER we ended our long-term relationship.. How could he so easily go after a girl like that SO soon, knowing all the **** he's told me about her? I stopped all contact with them but they were BOTH trying to invite me out to hiking trips, parties, etc…We have a lot of mutual friends but I just thought that was really weird having the invite come from them. One day, I got an invite from a mutual friend, went to his party and I saw them both there. I was like oh you have got to be ****ing kidding me but I stayed cool, said hi to both, asked how they were, and kept my mind busy with other friends. They didn't even speak to each other the whole time at the party, which was weird because SHE was on HIS phone and she has never done that when we all hung out all those years… I eventually met up with my ex at one point alone and I told him up front, If you're really with her, I wish you happiness but please don't include me in your lives or try to be my friends by inviting me out to your trips as it doesn't make me feel comfortable at all being around you both if it's really true. He was just denying it straight up…. He would never admit it, but I have a list of people who I don't even have to ask tell me that he's a liar. A neighbor who lives right next to my old best friend told me they're together and he's playing the both of us… He knows how men are, and I was like wow. I never knew my ex would really go this low to show how much he doesn't give a **** about me. The pain's not so raw now, but it still really hurts when I think about them and the situation.. It feels like I've had two deaths in my life… They're both dead to me.. He sent me a happy birthday text about a month ago and I never replied just because I have the strength and knowledge not to fall into that trap….I would hear all these negative things about my ex that I haven't heard before and I would be told that I deserve so much better than a loser like him, even though I still am really in love with him.. My old best friend still tells all my mutual friends how she misses me and how badly she wants to talk to me.. What is she trying to do?? Has anybody gone through something similar to this?!? I need some real advice…. I keep wondering if he feels guilt for all of this to happen.. It's so hard to get rid of my pain because I love him so much. How can I not when so much of my first experiences were with him?
404namenotfound Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 (edited) TLDR But I will say this, your ex liked you and your friends are probably like you. I know I've been attracted to friends of girls I've dated. Best thing you can do is put it behind you, maybe you should distance yourself from their relationship. I'd be happy to hear your story if you could be more concise. I'm honestly not reading your wall of text. Edited November 3, 2013 by 404namenotfound
f1asr88 Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 I've been in love with this guy for 4-5 years since I was 15 and he was only 18…. We grew up together since we were little kids in elementary, so we always knew each other. We just didn't hang out until high school. Basically, we were each other's first love, first everything except for the kissing part, we lived together for a couple of years too…. My family loved him like another son, they would even go on vacations WITHOUT me!! That's how comfortable we all were… It truly was a great relationship. That went great, until my health went downhill and I basically had to move elsewhere to focus more taking care of myself which was a really sad moment in our lives since we loved living together so much.. We were attached to the hips, in constant communication almost every day. After I graduated high school, I went through depression. I hated my life and everyone around me. I decided to drop out of college, I was such a heavy pothead which was counter-productive to my dreams and goals, and I made one of the hardest decisions which was to break up with my long-time boyfriend….I was 19, and I was about to give up a huge part of my life which I knew would have severe consequences and I was expecting that… I loved him so much and really didn't want to lose him, but I really had to get myself back together, as I was in a horrible place where I felt ashamed to be seen by anyone, including my family. That was really hard on me, and him. He tried for several months to get us back together… Even sent me depressing texts of how he doesn't want to lose his "future wife" and there were even jealous texts fabricating stories of how this guy I went out on two dates with would message him thanking him for letting him have me… WTH? I thought, Who in their right mind actually does that? At the time, I felt smothered and that I knew the time wasn't right to work things out because I needed to be 100% healed first before we can start over. I had to remind him, we're single now. I just had a weird feeling something was fishy from what he told me. He got angry at me for not trusting him, but I knew he was lying when he got that defensive. He would also send me drunk texts asking me to have sex, telling me he misses and loves me.. He stopped after those few months and that's when I started freaking out, I wanted to work things out again… He stopped responding, and I freaked out. I would send texts for weeks at a time, I wouldnt stop… So embarrassing and stupid, I know! He would be telling me too how much he loves me and that we just need to grow up on our own a little bit.. He even told two of my closest girl friends around the same time that I'm his soulmate, he just knows it can't work right now and that he would like to get back together some day. He loves me a lot and was saying all these good things about me. Little did I know, he was screwing my old best friend behind my back. Don't get me wrong, I know we weren't in a relationship so he truly is entitled to **** anybody he wants. I just don't want to know any itty bitty details about what's going on in his sex life…. Keep me OUT OF IT!! I'd have a mutual friend tell me one day, "Yo I think your ex's dating her…." I didn't believe it at first because my best friend and I grew up together…. for real, we'd hang out ALL the time. She'd be the third wheel often hanging out with me and my ex. My ex depised her, always talked **** on her, always kind of convinced me not to hang out with her because she was such a bad influence… She would often lie, do drugs, get drunk, make people do things they end up regretting, she would hide a lot of things.. She wasn't a really upfront type of person and I always had these trust issues with her the whole time I was friends with her but never really figured out why and what it was all about… Then after a while, I'd hear from MORE people that it's really true… I was so disgusted, embarrassed to show my face to my mutual friends and anyone we both knew, cried my eyes out for weeks, and never felt so naive in my life, because I was venting out all my feelings about the break up because it was still rough on me…. to HER..Little did I know she had an agenda wanting to screw my ex!! That hurt SO bad…. I don't think anything else could have hurt more than that experience. They were doing this for MONTHS… So he started dating her a few months AFTER we ended our long-term relationship.. How could he so easily go after a girl like that SO soon, knowing all the **** he's told me about her? I stopped all contact with them but they were BOTH trying to invite me out to hiking trips, parties, etc…We have a lot of mutual friends but I just thought that was really weird having the invite come from them. One day, I got an invite from a mutual friend, went to his party and I saw them both there. I was like oh you have got to be ****ing kidding me but I stayed cool, said hi to both, asked how they were, and kept my mind busy with other friends. They didn't even speak to each other the whole time at the party, which was weird because SHE was on HIS phone and she has never done that when we all hung out all those years… I eventually met up with my ex at one point alone and I told him up front, If you're really with her, I wish you happiness but please don't include me in your lives or try to be my friends by inviting me out to your trips as it doesn't make me feel comfortable at all being around you both if it's really true. He was just denying it straight up…. He would never admit it, but I have a list of people who I don't even have to ask tell me that he's a liar. A neighbor who lives right next to my old best friend told me they're together and he's playing the both of us… He knows how men are, and I was like wow. I never knew my ex would really go this low to show how much he doesn't give a **** about me. The pain's not so raw now, but it still really hurts when I think about them and the situation.. It feels like I've had two deaths in my life… They're both dead to me.. He sent me a happy birthday text about a month ago and I never replied just because I have the strength and knowledge not to fall into that trap….I would hear all these negative things about my ex that I haven't heard before and I would be told that I deserve so much better than a loser like him, even though I still am really in love with him.. My old best friend still tells all my mutual friends how she misses me and how badly she wants to talk to me.. What is she trying to do?? Has anybody gone through something similar to this?!? I need some real advice…. I keep wondering if he feels guilt for all of this to happen.. It's so hard to get rid of my pain because I love him so much. How can I not when so much of my first experiences were with him? So you dumped a guy who was absolutely devoted to you, to find yourself or whatever, and whilst he's trying to get you back you're dating another guy. Well to be honest I can see why that might have changed his attitude somewhat... I'm not sure why he's lying to you about it, and you have every right to feel betrayed by your 'friend' but when you dumped him and dated another guy it probably hurt him beyond repair. When you are dumped by someone you'd have died for (as I know too well) you can be so grief stricken and upset that you beg and plead for months on end, but something just suddenly clicks and you realise how hurt you have been and that you should move on. In my experience it was hearing that she 'loves' the new guy she left me for, and only then did it all sink in for me. In yours perhaps it was him realising that you were dating other guys when you could have still had him back?
Author greenfairie Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 I'd be happy to be more precise with the details… Sorry I know I wrote a lot and some things I wrote might be all over the place.. Long story short. Ex of 4-5 years (grew up with him known him since we were little kids, really great relationship (experienced all our firsts together) I had a rough time after high school, I broke off the relationship because I wasn't in a good state of mind (dropped out of college, became into such a heavy pothead, felt like nothing was going on in my life, too focused on my relationship with my ex instead of doing what was needed to be done) We were absolutely devoted to each other, lived together for a couple of years.. He wanted me back for months and one day he just stopped responding… I freaked out and pleaded for him back which is embarrassing and stupid I know that now, but later found out from a group of mutual friends that includes staff from a school we went to.. It took me almost half a year to build up the courage to meet up with him because I knew his attitude towards me wasn't good and my old best friend kept texting me to hang out..Another mutual friend kept pressuring me to try to work things out and that she loves me, even if they're dating.. I didn't want to do anything with her, and I felt pushed into the corner so I asked my ex to meet up and he politely agreed to, probably for her sake. So we met up the very next morning, talked about why my old best friend is trying to be friends with me by inviting me out to trips/parties if they're together and if they were, I wish them happiness but please not to include me because we have so many mutual friends in common it's such a small world. He straight up denied it, said that I hurt her a lot, I need to fix things with her, kept talking **** on people and how crappy his life is right now, I was surprised he was sharing such personal things with me. He would tell me he loves me, misses me, we just need to grow up on our own a little bit more… He told my closest girlfriends I'm his soul mate, he loves me, but it can't work right now blahblah. He started dating my old best friend the same month we ended things but even that month, we went out on a couple of dates and it went really well…. I was sharing personal feelings about the breakup to my old best friend.. I even saw her a few months ago, told her how I felt weird hearing all this stuff and did not know how to bring it to her attention because I knew she would get defensive. She still denies it to my face when she tells my friends the opposite and how much she's in love with my ex. I'm really not the confrontational type, nor do I like to yell unless pushed to or plan on doing revenge... so I don't understand why they both couldn't just admit it to me instead of me finding out from a bunch of people which hurt way more?? She was even like, (your name).. We love you. We would never do that to you. We never kissed, had sex, or any of that stuff. He's just been there for me lately and you disappeared when in fact I've been in the same town the past year and I've had the same number…. Hello? I don't hear from you for weeks at a time either, girl! He just sent me a birthday text last month and we haven't spoke in months before that, I don't understand or trust his motives with me. I just didn't reply…. Would he care? I doubt it. This whole situation still weirds me out and I would love to hear some advice or get some insight that will help me feel like this is normal and I'm not alone in this situation?
404namenotfound Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 So you were attached to him and you feel weird about the break up. I'm just going to say all you can do is move on. I can see how this would bring up all sorts of feelings but there really only is one option.
runningfar Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 So there's a bunch of hearsay that both of them deny? You left him to find himself and got upset when you thought he was done pining after you whilst you could do whatever you wanted? I think you still need to get your head straight. You're coming off very off balanced inis particular post, verse definitely wronged.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 I need some real advice…. I think that your heart is dominating everything within you as you contemplate this situation. For it is extremely logical that two people who shared a relationship during some pretty important years, would each introduce the other to their best friends, and that all parties would likely reach a place of shared comfort with their roles in the environment. Now it sounds like you removed yourself from the relationship(s) and the environment voluntarily, and that now you are mad/upset that the two of them still gained from the shared comfort which you facilitated. Now I know that such a betrayal sucks, according to the women's handbook, and that certain lines should never be crossed. However, as somebody who removed herself from the situation based on other priorities, I don't think you are being fair and honest to yourself. Were your emotion not far too prominent on this topic, surely you would wish them well, and be somewhat glad you could inspire them to get together. It's OK for you to be mad at fate for causing you higher priorities, but to be mad at them for their courses having been altered by you in a way that brought them together romantically, is completely unhealthy - and you're the only one hurting because of it. I would suggest that your friend really does miss you, and that you would do very well for yourself by taking steps to rekindle that friendship... because it sounds like the things mentioned to you by third parties, about her missing you, have been authentic. And yes, I know it hurts... (but that challenge really is the first thing you should talk about, with your old friend)
Author greenfairie Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 For the first few months, I ignored all the hearsay because I felt like it wouldn't be right for them to do and I always knew my ex boyfriend hated my old best friend's guts so it would be impossible. I didn't even reach out to both of them when I heard because I didn't want to accuse or come off so emotionally charged. Until I heard from a couple of my closest friends that it was true and they told me specific details (words that my ex boyfriend used), I just broke down crying. I knew it was all disgustingly true. I knew it was even more true when I was alone in a room with both of them feeling their chemistry, even though they straight up denied it to me. When we were hanging out with our mutual friends, my old best friend would be flirting with couple of the guys and she would put her hands all over them in front of me. Then the guy friends would be like, I feel weird she's doing this. I would never do that to him (my ex boyfriend) to mess with his girl. THAT just vertified everything for me because they hung out a lot more than I did. There was even one incident where I was talking to my old best friend and my ex's friend was behind him, talking to my ex about how he needs to handle his girlfriend (pointing to my old best friend). It was so awkward. My best friend and I saw the whole thing, looked at my ex, my ex looked right at me and he just laughed. He seemed really uncomfortable, and God knows I was. The reason I know some details I shouldn't bother knowing, I wish I didn't know all of this, is because my social circle is a really tight-knit group of friends so basically everyone knows everything, it's hard for my friends including me not to share all the details. Yeah, in the process of getting my **** together. Thanks for pointing that out.
Woop1337 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 (edited) So you love this guy, but you break up with him to get your act together? Genius! That's a contradiction. Plus it's the lamest excuse, to get rid of a guy. I don't think you like him as much as you think. The two mistakes he made is dating your friend and lying about it. That's a no no. But ultimately, you broke up with him, you dated someone else briefly, and you continued to rebuff him months after your break up. So what's the issue? You're just mad he moved on with your friend. Edited November 4, 2013 by Woop1337
Author greenfairie Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 Yeah, it sounds like a huge contradiction when I made the ultimate choice to end things and I still love him. You can't choose who you love, whoever your heart chooses is impossible to deny. I was just in a bad place in my life and felt like a relationship that I was so obsessed with was taking my focus away from other priorities that needed to have my focus. It's not like I just randomly decided to break up with him out of nowhere… We both knew it was coming and we talked about going on a break sometimes because we weren't happy with our lives….I just happened to initiate it. Even though we knew we both loved each other, we felt like a break would change us in a better way. We even agreed it was a good idea to date other people to see if that's what we really wanted. I'm not mad at the fact he got over me even though that hurts a lot. I'm just mad that he played with my emotions even while he was "moving on" with my best friend. I'm just mad he had to lead me on, kept me thinking he still loved me and wanted to get back together which is what he kept saying every time we hung out or had a conversation. I'm mad that when I sat with him calmly and asked if he was seeing anyone, including my old best friend. He just straight up said no, gave me a huge lecture about how I shouldn't be listening to people so much. I'm just mad that my first love had to lie to me like that, disrespecting our friendship since he wanted to stay "friends".
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Your whole position here isn't being fair... to yourself. Consider that until you can clarify with certainty that these two were in any way betraying you while you were involved in a relationship with your ex, any responses or actions made/taken by them may well have been to shield you from something they knew could hurt you. When you used to toddle and pick up a pinecone, and give it to your parent, your parent wasn't wrong for tossing most of those gifted pinecones away when you weren't looking, but the parent still knew that to do so right before your eyes might hurt your feelings. It is perfectly fine that you continue to value the emotional investment you once made in that boyfriend, but YOU are not being fair to either of them by blaming either of them in any way for their being together romantically. You know very well that you broke-up with him, and it is very much OK that you regret with all your heart having done so, but at the same time it is NOT fair to either of them, that you are holding this grudge. C'mon, sit back there, and look within yourself... it isn't your ex friend that factors into any of your most prominent feelings on this whole issue. You're most likely feeling that you're still holding this investment of your own feelings FOR your ex... and that to let-go of that investment feels like losing everything. Yet that is an entirely self-contained issue, having nothing at all to do with your former friend, and relatively little to do with your ex. It's like my favorite baseball team - they don't even know I exist, but my 'investment' in their success is still there. It is very much OK that you still care for your ex, but why don't you deal directly with those feelings, and stop channeling them toward something which just doesn't relate to your feelings for him. Using somebody else's relationship as your lightning rod is probably as cruel as you perceive the two of them to have ever been to you. In an ideal world you would put on your big girl panties and extend an olive branch to your former friend... and make an attempt to get together and repair the friendship, and when you feel yourself bogging down in trying to make the encounter work... you challenge yourself to put right out there that your continued feelings for him are making life so challenging for you right now. Of course the very best remedy is to know romantic sparks from some other guy. It's like the stock market: You sold your 'investment' in your ex BF, and maybe you did indeed lose some of your investment, but whatever you sold it for, equates to perfectly worthy funds which could so easily and optimistically be invested in somebody else. And c'mon, if you absolutely despised your ex, you wouldn't give a cats ass who he was seeing or what he was doing.
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